Ephemeral lives

5 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 300
Reviews 0
There I was shut in a cage,
With forty others like me,
Barely room to turn around,
It wasn’t a good place to be.

I looked out through the bars so small,
And cried out with such pain,
When across the hall I saw,
A door which was blood stained.

I was told that through that door,
Was a place of vicious killing,
Where others like me would meet their end,
Shh….if you were quiet you could hear them screaming.

On the morning of that horrific day,
I was given a plethora of feed,
I ate it all up so hungrily,
Not seeing the motive behind this deed.

Our cage door was then opened wide,
We thought that we were free,
Our legs could stretch, run, skip and gambol,
But the truth we could not see.

Then we were fenced in yet again
And guided towards the door,
We were pushed through it with such a force,
That many got up no more…

Terrible screams filled the air,
Thick with the smell of blood,
Our dreams of freedom shattered,
When the colossal door closed with a thud.

A buzzing sound filled the room,
And then echoed throughout my head,
All at once the world I knew was gone,
Whilst a slit in my throat bled.
Last edited by MargotDavis on Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
O Mouse! (Alice thought this must be the right way to speak to a mouse) The mouse looked at her rather inquisitivley, and seemed to wink at her with one of its little eyes, but it said nothing. - Alice in Wonderland




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1171
Reviews 206
MargotDavis wrote:
Our cage door was then opened wide,
We thought that we were free,
Our legs could stretch, run, skip, and gambol,
But the truth we could not see.

That is the only correction. When listing things you should always use a comma before "and". Like, I sat with Emily, Robert,and Lisa. That's my only word of advice. Overall, this is dark and sort of chilling... I like it :D . You did well with the flow and ryhme. Congrats at that! Hope I was helpful at all.
~Ladypurple.
You're new? Great seas! Why haven't you gone to the Buddy System yet?



You're dealing with writers. The words "normal" and "usual occurrence" do not compute.
~Rosey Unicorn




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1623
Reviews 36
This was a great poem, but it left me wondering, is the narrator a human? Or an animal in a slaughterhouse, and mass meat production plant? Is there a moral meaning? Is the cage metaphorical? These probably shouldn't be included in your poem, but I'm just being curious.
You have been adressed by the Lady of the Dragons, lol




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 9
It's about pigs. It was an english assignment to write a moral poem. She also printed it out and stuck it on her fridge door to try to pursusde her mu not to buy factory farmed meat. As her best friend I see it as my duty to explain this to you, because she NEVER GOES ON YWS. Tut tut.
Very good by the way Mary :)
'The name's Salmon, like the fish. First name, Suzie.'

'Don't make people into heroes, John, they don't exist and if they did I wouldn't be one of them.'

'Curiouser and curiouser said Alice'




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 9
Mum, sorry, not mu.
'The name's Salmon, like the fish. First name, Suzie.'

'Don't make people into heroes, John, they don't exist and if they did I wouldn't be one of them.'

'Curiouser and curiouser said Alice'



Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques -- like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
— Homer Simpson