The island

The realm of darkness was my open tomb, stretching miles from around me. The black blended together, swallowing me whole, killing me softly. A purple glow beamed off the ground, making me feel dizzy from the haze that rolled out in front of me.

I tried to remember what I was doing last, but my mind came out blank. The only thing I could remember was waking up surrounded in the dark blackness.

I cursed myself for the mess I was in.

I started in the direction ahead of me, not knowing what was in front of me, not knowing what was behind me. I tried to think of who I was, I knew my name was Jeanie Fay, my parents Maggie and Ethan died five years ago, and I lived on [color=#FF0000]an island- everything else seemed to be sucked out of me leaving me alone... and in the dark.

Something in my mind tried to jump out and pull me into the light, but I couldn't focus on it. It was like a tiny little mosquitoes flying around my head.

"Hello?" I whispered.

What if there was something lurking in the darkness? I thought to myself, what if it was watching me struggle. I shouldn't speak then.

The tiny thought that flew around my mind was shrieking in my head, making my body stiffen in pain.

What the hell was going on! I asked myself.

"Jeanie?" A voice said. I couldn't tell the sex of the bodiless voice. It sounded tiny, like a child. "Jeanie, don't be scared. Expectations are being met."

Expectations? What Expectations?

A slight breeze ruffled my hair and licked up gooseflesh on my neck. Something in my stomach told me to run, flee, find a safe place, but I looked around me and there was nothing but darkness.

"Please," I whispered. "Please help me."

"What's important to you?" A different voice said, coming from the darkness. "Is it your friends that you spend all your time with? Is it your island? Your beautiful, lush island?"

My friends... My friend Phifer, Cayden, and Gracie flashed through my mind and I suddenly felt a flame flicker in my heart. My friends, were they here in the darkness, too?

"Yes, my friends are important to me!" I yelled at the voice.

The flame inside my heart grew hotter, giving me everything I was lacking- strength and courage.

The voice cracked, a strange laugh that erupted in the air.

It continued, getting louder and louder, booming from every directionRight here I am not sure to use a ; or a , but it's one of those I think. stinging my ears and making the hairs on my body stiffen. The laugh was too much, I crouched down onto the floor and placed my hands over my ears trying to block out the haunted laugh.

"Phifer! Cayden! Grace!" I called out into the darkness.
[/color]

I gotta say, I hope you do make this into more. I think it has potential. Let me know if you do post more. Anyway, I could only find a few errors (I could probably find more if my brain wasn't turned off and if I could turn it back on). I hope I was helpful in some way.
~Ladypurple.

ladypurple wrote:

The realm of darkness was my open tomb, stretching miles from around me. The black blended together, swallowing me whole, killing me softly. A purple glow beamed off the ground, making me feel dizzy from the haze that rolled out in front of me.

I tried to remember what I was doing last, but my mind came out blank. The only thing I could remember was waking up surrounded in the dark blackness.

I cursed myself for the mess I was in.

I started in the direction ahead of me, not knowing what was in front of me, not knowing what was behind me. I tried to think of who I was, I knew my name was Jeanie Fay, my parents Maggie and Ethan died five years ago, and I lived on [color=#FF0000]an island- everything else seemed to be sucked out of me leaving me alone... and in the dark.

Something in my mind tried to jump out and pull me into the light, but I couldn't focus on it. It was like a tiny little mosquitoes flying around my head.

"Hello?" I whispered.

What if there was something lurking in the darkness? I thought to myself, what if it was watching me struggle. I shouldn't speak then.

The tiny thought that flew around my mind was shrieking in my head, making my body stiffen in pain.

What the hell was going on! I asked myself.

"Jeanie?" A voice said. I couldn't tell the sex of the bodiless voice. It sounded tiny, like a child. "Jeanie, don't be scared. Expectations are being met."

Expectations? What Expectations?

A slight breeze ruffled my hair and licked up gooseflesh on my neck. Something in my stomach told me to run, flee, find a safe place, but I looked around me and there was nothing but darkness.

"Please," I whispered. "Please help me."

"What's important to you?" A different voice said, coming from the darkness. "Is it your friends that you spend all your time with? Is it your island? Your beautiful, lush island?"

My friends... My friend Phifer, Cayden, and Gracie flashed through my mind and I suddenly felt a flame flicker in my heart. My friends, were they here in the darkness, too?

"Yes, my friends are important to me!" I yelled at the voice.

The flame inside my heart grew hotter, giving me everything I was lacking- strength and courage.

The voice cracked, a strange laugh that erupted in the air.

It continued, getting louder and louder, booming from every directionRight here I am not sure to use a ; or a , but it's one of those I think. stinging my ears and making the hairs on my body stiffen. The laugh was too much, I crouched down onto the floor and placed my hands over my ears trying to block out the haunted laugh.

"Phifer! Cayden! Grace!" I called out into the darkness.
[/color]

I gotta say, I hope you do make this into more. I think it has potential. Let me know if you do post more. Anyway, I could only find a few errors (I could probably find more if my brain wasn't turned off and if I could turn it back on). I hope I was helpful in some way.
~Ladypurple.

Thanks soo much

It sounds really cool, but it's kinda short. I don't even know what really happened there. All I know is Jeannie lives on a beautiful island without parents, she loves her friends and something from the darkness is stalking her. I love your writing style though, it makes me want to know more. So keep writing!

Sakuragirl1 wrote:It sounds really cool, but it's kinda short. I don't even know what really happened there. All I know is Jeannie lives on a beautiful island without parents, she loves her friends and something from the darkness is stalking her. I love your writing style though, it makes me want to know more. So keep writing!

I agree it is quite short, and there isn't really much to go on. usually when i write it's to much and people are like woooowww can't read all this hah. But thanks =) I will write more and it will explain a wee bit more aswell. Truthfully I don;t really know what I'm going to write about, I don't have a clue what this story is about but I'm going to keep chipping away, maybe I'll get somewhere.

Ok then - this has got potential, but I think you may have to work to make this story unique and original. The whole fainting-lots-and-bad-dreams things has been used a lot, so make sure you have lots of twists and turns and bits that make you go 'ohh, I wish I'd thought of that!' Just make it the best you can.

It was pretty short, was it a prologue? Please write more! You've got something going here, and I want to hear more. Your description is lovely, I especially love the bit where you say

A slight breeze ruffled my hair and licked up gooseflesh on my neck. Something in my stomach told me to run, flee, find a safe place...

Lovely, rich descriptive there. If I had to make one tiny critisism, you do establish that it's dark in the tomb numerous times, try and describe all different things.

Keep writing and I'll keep reading!

-NeutronStar-