The Ghost's Advice

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Another little bit from the story I'm writing. The protagonist is able to see ghosts and have relationships with them and is determined to find the reason why. The character Amberline is a ghost she has been in a doomed relationship with for a few months. I'd love suggestions and reviews of this, particularly if anyone can give me advice on what sensory imagery / descriptions I can use?

“You’ve got a very prickly personality,” said Amberline. Lightly sitting beside me on the bed, he took my hand, which I found to be a patronising and two-faced gesture.
“Don’t talk to me if you’ve got nothing constructive to say to me, please don’t talk to me.”
Amberline dropped my hand, and ran his own slowly through his hair. He leant his head against the window, his hair becoming one with the perfect drops of condensation, and he looked at me. A look that made me so angry, I could barely speak.
“You always have something bad to say! You never talk to me like an equal. You come in here, you sleep in my bed, you treat my home like a hotel, your-”
“If you only knew!” Interjected Amberline, his voice raised,
“If you had any idea how much I care for you, how it hurts me to see you doing this to yourself!”
“Doing what? Living my life? Feeling my feelings, being true to myself?
Amberline shook his head sadly,
“You don’t know what that means. Being true to yourself is nothing to do with feelings… no man got anywhere by following his emotions, you need to control your emotions or else follow a pattern of failure through life. To know yourself is to know your goal, your path, no matter what you think you feel, and to follow that to the end. For God’s sake, a kind and honest man is in love with you, why do you have to put yourself through this?”
“Through what?” I admit, I was angry. I was shaking, and shouting at Amberline. Why do people always think they know what’s best for you, yet can’t see what kind of a mess they themselves are in? The people with the most advice, and the most willing to dish it out are most often the most flawed of all.
“Amberline, you don’t understand. Whether or not Daniel is in love with me is of no consequence. All my life I have lived like this, and all I want are some simple answers. I need to know the truth. I’m a prisoner of lies and secrets, and I need my freedom. I won’t rest until I reach the bottom of this. God did not make me this way, and in my heart I know it is what made my father leave. How can I live like this?”
“Take my advice. Go to Daniel. Go to your mother’s house. Go to the man you love, and go to where you came from. All the truths that can set your future free are hidden in your past. You’re a prickly, sharp woman - a damaged woman. Let Daniel love you the way you should have been loved. Don’t be afraid because this fear is the one thing that will hold you back in your journey.”
“Amberline,” I said, opening the door to the fire escape, and in the icy October air, I said my last words to the ghost, who had once taken my breath away,
“Leave now. Leave me to my own life. Leave me to my own decisions, my own heart, and my own fears.”
I never saw Amberline again. Two, maybe three times I was sure I saw him that winter, and once I heard his voice in the alley behind Revenie’s. I still walked past there sometimes, my arm entwined with Daniel’s, following the winding past of Old Street down to the river, where I first said the words I’d never had the courage to say to a soul before.
I wasn't born to mourn, but I mourn the day
I stand here alone:
Fighting my heart for dreams, my mind for hope




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Hey there PaperCrane! I'm here to review!

Okay, so I've never read any of your other posts, and I'm not sure whether this is going to be continued on or what; so please just keep that in mind and take what I say about the storyline with a grain of salt, since I don't fully know the entire story.

Now, for your question about sensory imagery and description, I think you could give us a bit more info about the ghost's appearance, and maybe a bit more about the MC. Also, your ending is really short and rushed, in my opinion. You wrap things up pretty quickly there, and I'm not sure whether there's going to be a continuance; if so, it seems a bit abrupt to say that she never saw Amberline again save for a couple of times.

PaperCrane wrote:He leant his head against the window, his hair becoming one with the perfect drops of condensation, and he looked at me. A look that made me so angry, I could barely speak.


What, exactly, is this sort of look? Patronizing? Patient? Impatient? Aloof? Pitying? I have no idea what expression could make her so angry with him.

“If you only knew!” Iinterjected Amberline, his voice raised,.
“If you had any idea how much I care for you, how it hurts me to see you doing this to yourself!”


'Kay, so I do a really poor job of explaining why something's wrong; instead, I'd like you to take a look at this wonderful link on dialogue punctuation. Demeter explains it all really well. There are other points in the story that need some tweaking with commas and such, but I'm not going to nitpick them all - you're safe. ;)

Overall, I'm kind of lost. What's the MC sooo terribly upset about with Amberline? Maybe I'm just missing another post...anyways, I like your writing style. Please PM me if you've got any questions or comments or whatnot. Keep up the good work! :)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Hi thanks for your reply - yes this is a continued story, I should have explained that at the beginning. I''ve written loads of different bits of the same story, and there's about 4 more on here. That's why the ending is abrupt, the chapter isn't finished or anything I just wondered what people thought of this bit.
Thanks for the link to the punctuation page, I have NO idea how to do diaglogue punctuation whatsoever. Fantastic.
I wasn't born to mourn, but I mourn the day
I stand here alone:
Fighting my heart for dreams, my mind for hope




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Gender Male
Points 42428
Reviews 411
Evening PaperCrane,

Firstly, I'd like to say I like the ideas you've got here. The characters and personalities you've briefly crafted indicate that they could have a lot of depth. That's good, but I feel it's only groundwork at the moment. Especially in the senses that you've taken away your Ghostly character so soon and that we really don't have enough time to know your characters. I mean, undoubtably you'll probably write more, but at the moment it just seems a little stripped, you know? I think what you could do is, as well as having conversation, try to get us more into the mind of your protagonist. Show us her thought paths, what does she speculate? Is she guessing what'll happen next? If she's angry, as you say, go into the little things that spur it - fair enough she's irratated, but what else is there? Does she reflect on things that have already happened the reader doesn't know about, and, if so, why not imply these events?

I think that what you've got at the moment is a very dialogue-based narrative and I think it isn't rich enough, it isn't gripping me or pulling me in with curiosity/mystery. I want to feel what your protagonist feels. Like I said, you could easily achieve this with walking through the protagonist's mind. Try to take it slower, explore character, point of view, time/sequence (i.e. flashbacks) and think clearly about a destination. On top of basing things on relationships, is there going to be a problem which flows parallel to your central meaning? So, for example, you could have a third character causing aggrovation - almost representative of a villain - and then craft the changing ways of the main character's relationship around them. This is just a suggestion, if you've already planned this then just ignore me.

The only other improvement I can think of is your dialogue. I think that it is a little bit wooden, but that's only natural as most author's have quite wooden dialogue. What I'd suggest you do is read this through several times (dialogue only and pausing for longer when necessary) and read it aloud. Does it sound natural to you? Are you being a little too English? - as in: no-one speaks perfect grammar, or atleast rarely anyway.

I hope this helped.
Ben




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Hi Ben thanks for giving me such an in-depth review. Its quite perceptive and I hadn't really thought about stuff like including the protagonist's thought pattern in the narration, that's a brilliant idea. In short - this is a really small bit of a long story, it's pretty much right in the middle, and yes a lot more is coming before and after so don't think of this as a complete or short story. The dialogue is quite wooden but I like that, and I prefer it when a book story has rich descriptions/narrative and quite short to-the-point dialogue. Most of my characters do speak "too" English... the grammer is good because this is just what the characters are like... how can I elaborate on that... I mean it's supposed to be old-fashioned, and some of the characters are 100 year old ghosts... it's not really supposed to be pop fiction.

I love your idea of doing flashbacks, I'll definately be using that at some point, it's a good way for the reader to remember something that happened a while back as well. And yes there is a 3rd party villain in the story, and he does appear in a couple of other bits of story I've got on here ;)

Thanks man
I wasn't born to mourn, but I mourn the day
I stand here alone:
Fighting my heart for dreams, my mind for hope



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— John Oliver