Prologue - Charmed Devils

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Prologue


Clementine focused her fierce gaze on her sister Floretta. She had a ruby stone swinging from her neck on a silver cord. Clementine glared at her, pure envy threatening to spill over in her mind. She resented her elder sister for being the first to find her magical gem stone. This meant her sister had power over their world, power over the spirits, and power to destroy everything that they had ever known. Clementine craved this power.

She would be the best leader of the coven, she had planned her reign, all written out in her head, the queen of Corveilia, forever.

But no. It had to be Floretta, didn’t it? Soon I will be top, Clementine vowed. And Floretta will have to look up to me and do as I say, they all will. Sisters. They would be just potential slaves, servants; to me. Soon I will rule over Corveilia; the world of magic, and finally I will get my own way. We can do it without them.

The spirits, the dead, how could they control a whole world? Clementine thought; “them” were the spirits, and the arrival of her sister and her pendant had brought the idea to her mind again. Trying to forget her jealousy, Clementine snapped at her sister. “I bet I will be next at finding my stone,”

“Not even praying to the lord will increase your chances of that, Clementine.” Floretta spat, she had always had a sharp tongue and was Clementine’s least favourite sister. Clementine frowned.

“Clementine, it is necessary for you to give up on being in control. Only the eldest achieve that.” Blanche said. She was like the mother of the group, as none of the girls had been close to their mother.

It is not my fault I am the youngest, Clementine thought in despair, but I will show them, one day they will bow down to me, they will regret every mean comment they have ever made, every insult... I will make them miserable.
“I don’t care what you say, Floretta. I am not a child anymore, and one day you will regret teasing me, one day soon. Corveilia will be mine, and it will be better, whatever you wish.”
“You could never do it. You can’t even rule over the servants! You’re weak, and you know it!” she spat while saying the last words; Clementine was speechless for a moment but soon snapped back.
“When I am queen, I will have more power.” Clementine cried.
Floretta laughed. The two were shouting now. Rose-Ann and Isla had gathered to watch their sisters argue.
“I find that hard to believe, Clementine. I have had a better education than you, and I happen to be the queen of Corveilia, not you, so hop off back to your room before I do something I will regret!” Clementine knew her sister was joking, but a gleam of hatred in her sibling’s eyes told her to back off.

“Girls, girls!” Blanche had joined in with the debate again and was trying to calm the two girls down. “If we keep arguing, then we will never be able to rule over Corveilia properly…” she trailed off in happiness, a hint of evil and cunning in her sweet voice.

Abbey, with her shoulder length blonde hair and dainty face, was gliding over to her sisters. Her orange dress swooped along the floor with each graceful step.

“Why don’t we all just relax, and get some rest? Everyone needs it. We are all tired and it will make us irritable.” she glared at Floretta and Clementine, Abbey was the quiet sort, a strange mixture with the malevolence she had in her.

Isla’s dreamy green eyes lit up suddenly. She was the special one blessed with the amazing power to speak to spirits. They gave clues to what the future held.

Isla shifted into a different position, straightened up, and spoke in a different voice to before.

“What joins the amethyst to the ruby, binds to the emerald and that is a story. It leads to the topaz, connects to the rose-quartz, and finishes with a sapphire, oh, glorious the more!

When enhanced with a spell,
The fingers will contract,
Fuse to the power of the lady and latch;

Onto the spirits,
Their reign will decay,
It will diffuse into something more sinister,
At the end of the day.

The light will surrender,
Blocking truth too,
And here it will begin,
The power of the two.

It could throw them off,
Fighting ‘till the end,
Innocent lives will be lost,
But for now you must pretend.

Love will happen,
A connection will be made,
Light will slash through the darkness,
And it will be laid;

The invisible pressure,
Making her choose,
Her loyalties lie,
But will she break through?”
She cried, in a deeper voice, it reminded the sisters of the spirit of prophecies, Ovleia.

“What is it, Isla?” Rose-Ann asked; there was a worried tone to her voice, her reaction to her sisters' sudden prophecy.
“The heavens… have spoken,” she murmured quietly.
“Yes!” Floretta encouraged, “Go on!”
“A special one… the girl…” she trailed off, as if not knowing what to say.
“Which young one?” Blanche said this, her eyes landing on Clementine, glaring at her with jealousy.
“It may not be one of us.” she started, but then looked down in shame at her emerald green dress.
“Tell us!” Floretta screeched.
“It is bad… whatever they mean.” Isla confirmed, her eyes slowly filling with water.
“Then we must fight. We will prepare. Get ready!” Floretta looked around the group, evil glowing in her eyes. She spat in anticipation; she was filled with adrenaline.


Isla sat on her wooden chair, remembering the scene. She hadn’t been thinking about it; she had delved into Clementine’s memories. Isla felt as if she had been intruding; but she was not in control of what the spirits wanted of her.
“Ephilia,” Isla whispered to her guardian. She needed something to cease her struggle.
Yes, my darling? The words of Ephilia floated through Isla’s head.
“I do not know what to do, I am struggling with the prophecy, and I cannot concentrate on that awhile I am fretting about Jack and the pendant.”
Follow your instincts, dear... this was her reply.
“How? I do not know which way brings remorse and which bring contentness. I am very afraid of the future… and I cannot even speak to one soul about him, for fear of the treason and guilt it will bring. I know I am wrong, I just do not know how to make it right.”
All I can tell you is that you must follow your instincts… Floretta will only feel like this if she sees you with the jewel, she will only pressure you harder. Isla felt as if no-one could possibly imagine the weight on shoulders. She knew that her sisters were wrong, but she couldn’t live with the awful fear of Floretta finding out.

Isla ran, crying, from the banquet hall and to the stables. She collapsed into the arms of Jack, her only release.


Floretta wanted power. But how far would she go to achieve this?
What's the sort of stuff people write here? I don't know, so I'll just leave it at this, being me.




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Heyhey MrsDominicHoward! Welcome to YWS! I'm WD, and it's lovely to meet you! I am here to review your prologue. ^^ So, this is interesting--you have a lot of good ideas flying around here and a lot of them deserve further development. You have a set cast of characters and a lot of fantastical elements; your world is in the works and some of your dialogue is coming along. However, this prologue moves fast, fast, fast!

In this prologue you introduce eight different characters! Floretta, Clementine, Blanche, Abbey, Rose-Anne, Isla, Ephilia and Jack. Eight characters. In the prologue. Now, I'm not going to say it's impossible to pull this off. It isn't. But the way these characters are introduced don't stick with me and it moves so fast that I don't get to know them and, as a result, I don't get interested or engaged in any of the characters! For a prologue, this is a dire sign. One that must be remedied. But aye, that is what YWS is all about--writing and improving. :)

So, why aren't these character introductions working? First, the character introducions are based in telling. Instead of showing us the characters in action, the narrative tells us all about them, which takes away my ability to sympathize with the characters! An example:

MrsDominicHoward wrote:She resented her elder sister for being the first to find her magical gem stone. This meant her sister had power over their world, power over the spirits, and power to destroy everything that they had ever known. Clementine craved this power.


Ah, you just told us Clementine's primary conflict! Telling it to me takes away the mystery of Clementine and detracts from the complexity she has the potential to have! Don't tell me about her! Show me!

MrsDominicHoward wrote:Isla’s dreamy green eyes lit up suddenly. She was the special one blessed with the amazing power to speak to spirits. They gave clues to what the future held.


First of all, where did she come from? I had no idea she was in the room until now! And why are you telling me all this about her now when you could weave clues throughout and show me in a much more engaging way?

So! Show, don't tell. You've probably heard that before, but I am repeating it. Take the time to really show me how your characters interact with each other. Telling me about them doesn't hook me. It's the showing that will. Also, slow down! You don't have to introduce all eight characters in the prologue in such rapid succession! Really think about the focus of this prologue and hone in on that. Take your time introducing characters and developing conversation. Flesh out the conflict and treat your characters like figures in an ongoing scene, in a world filled with detail. Characters are the very heart of a story; they hook the reader most effectively, so don't put plot above them! And take your time!

Great to read some of your work! And I'm super glad you have made your way here to YWS. :) Keep writing! If you have any questions or just want to chat, feel free to PM me!
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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Heyy
Your story is well writen :) Everything is described in this prologue and in some ways you two have managed to describe everyone and their situation in just this small piece of writing and that's a mark of a good writer :)
The Title is intriguing and just seeing it makes you want to read the story so well done on that too :D
Can't wait to read more of this :D xx
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

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I, personally, loved it. Maybe it was the fact that your novel made me think often of the always amazing and great Doctor. If you don't know, let me explain. The Doctor is the guy from that BBC show Doctor Who, who travels through time and space with companions and saves civilizations. I love anything that remind me of/having to do with the Doctor. But, of course, besides from that, you are an amazing writer with a gift that needs to be strenghtened by a lot of practice.
"Together we fight, no matter the price"

-Harlana and Robin, Sweetest Magic




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ashleymae wrote: But, of course, besides from that, you are an amazing writer with a gift that needs to be strenghtened by a lot of practice.



Wow, thanks, I really appreciate it :)
What's the sort of stuff people write here? I don't know, so I'll just leave it at this, being me.



I hope everyone's safe and sound and has some potatoes in the pantry.
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