Watch Them Bleed (English Sonnet)

Her words.
His fists.
Make them cry like little birds.
And wrap white tape around their wrists.

Fall, fall, watch him fall.
Thump, thump, she's thrown to the floor.
Words, Words, her words slam him to the wall.
In and out, in and out, she'll crawl, in and out of the door.

Love, love, love.
Why can't it be,
as pure as a dove?
And why can't they see?

A lust for blood they must feed.
So we sit right back and watch them bleed.

Hi River, nice poem. I really liked the staccato, forceful rhythm that this was written with. It did a good job of emphasizing and enhancing the content. I also particularly liked the idea of words slamming someone into a wall. It creates a very unique image and feeling.
I didn't really like the first three lines of the third stanza. The rhyming seemed a little too obvious and the section as a whole felt somewhat unoriginal.
Also, the last two lines seemed disconnected from the rest of the poem and I wasn't really able to see how they fit in with the entire scenario.
This is a well done poem. I really enjoyed it.

Hey,

I like the concept but for it truly to be a sonnet I think you need to work it into Iambic pentameter. This would also improve the flow aspect of the piece.

Keep writing.

~Retro Disco666

Wonderful piece, but as retro said, there is something more than that needs to be woven into the poem structurally in order to make it an English sonnet: You have the rhyming scheme down very well, as well as the number of lines, but you need to have 10 syllables in each line (10 if you really want to be strict).

Also (I had to get this part from eHow, cause I couldn't remember ) :

Use sound construction. Generally, the first two quatrains tell a kind of story or focus on an idea or feeling. The third quatrain then takes a turn, sometimes by introducing something new or unexpected. The couplet can then either summarize the poem or continue the turn introduced in the third quatrain.

Read more: How to Write an English Sonnet | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2305055_write-e ... z159S0w5OR



However, aside from the structure, I love this. You set the rhythm up really well- it was a bit jarring in some spots, but in order for there to be a real impact, there needed to be. So great job! Instead of changing this gem, I would simply drop the (English sonnet) from the title. It works much better as a free form type of thing. Wonderful piece!

-Coral-

River wrote:Fall, fall, watch him fall.
Thump, thump, she's thrown to the floor.

I really don't know, but this verse made me think of the Nazi's when they threw the Jews into the mass graves. It provoked quite an Artaudian reaction in me. Artaud was a theatre practitioner which believed in provoking strong instinctual and gut reaction in his audience members. This was a very powerful piece. And even though it was short it really worked well.

River wrote:A lust for blood they must feed.
So we sit right back and watch them bleed.

I don't understand the ending so much. The rest of it conveys the story (Or at least this is the impression I'm getting) the roughness of love and the backlash to love someone who doesn't love you back. But the ending seems to me to be completely separate from the rest, for the reason that I don't why. It does work because it makes us at the end look to ourselves and it asks why humanity is like this

Apart from that it was a good read. Hope that helped