Waltz of the Rose

When you woke beneath sheets of lead
You struggled free of your broken bed
And stepped out into the crumbling hall
Where spiders crept upon peeling walls

For years you'd slept in frozen time
Stuck in the swirls of pretty lies
But the cold tile on your feet
Awoke the memories of deceit

They moaned and swore with voices dull
And relit the fires in your sweet skull
Upon your chest they laid a rose
Which you danced with, the doors all closed

Its delicate petals soon broke and tore
In swirling paths down to the floor
So you stopped your graceful steps
And hid your tears as you softly wept

You ripped your clothes and pulled down the blinds
To let light hit your glimmering eyes
It burned your skin and seared your hair
But you stood still, a curious stare

Outside young children ran and played
Laughing in a warm green glade
You smiled at their joyful youth
And in their eyes you saw the truth

Okay; I'm not gonna lie. I think I missed something in this poem. I'm terrible at finding deeper meanings in stuff. >.<

However, having said that, I still thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It had really unique imagery, a nice even rhythm, and some subtle rhymes, which worked really well without dominating your language. Great range in your word choice and descriptions. Overall, a strong piece. I just wish I could figure it all out. c:

-Coral-

I liked this a lot and you definetly have some talent! I only have one minor problem with this poem. In the second to last stanza you said that you pulled down the shade but then you are describing all the things you are seeing outside. Maybe you could change it to : I pulled up the shade?
I hope this helps:)

Thank you for the feedback. It means a lot to me.

I intended this poem to be about the process of recovering from painful or traumatic events, with the initial sleep being denial, the waking being acceptance, the dance being catharsis or release, and then finally seeing good in the world again (watching the children). I have a bad tendency to make my writings so thick with symbols that no one has any idea what I'm talking about except for me, so I hope that makes its meaning a little clearer

Rayne, I'm not a fan of the wording about the blinds either. I intended for it to mean actually tearing the blinds down, but I'm not sure what word to use instead of pulled, as tore and ripped have already been used in the poem.

Hey Nightshade,

This was amazing. I understood what you meant about the tearing down of the blinds as i read the rest of the stanza but ti is slightly ambiguous. That's the only line where wording has the possibility of changing what you intend from the piece. I agree with Carol in the sense that it isn't easy to find the meaning of this poem. In saying that though, it was blatantly clear when I read your reply =p.

I actually thought this piece was about depression, the first stanza talking about the weight of emotion and how everything appears to be ruined. The spiders, to me, could have symbolised the fear or anxiety that comes along with such a mental illness and how it creeps up on you so you try to avoid it, much like you do with spiders. (well I do anyway)

I saw the rose and dance as representing those times when people suffering from depression escape their condition and how the petals falling symbolise how that time never lives long, just like a rose.

I find it really interesting how meaning transfer from writer to reader and how everyone can view the same piece as something completely different.

This was an awesome piece! I wouldn't change anything about it. Brilliant.

Hope to read something new soon. PM me if you remember because I would love to keep reading. Thank you!!

BeckFletch. xx

Hey Nightshade!

I'm not really liking this. Sorry to be frank, but I can't help it. Nothing about it worked for me. Contrary to what Persephoneia said, I found your rhyming to be forced and unnatural; not very subtle. At times it seemed you were so focused on making a rhyme scheme that you completely forgot about the syllable count (beat) and the result was a rather sketchy poem with some lucky imagery.

I'd suggest ditching any hope of a rhyme pattern; in all honesty, it tends to be the death of most poems I've ever read on here. Poetry does not need to rhyme to be good. In fact, I prefer that it doesn't rhyme at all. It leaves more room for ideas and understanding on the readers' part.

I really don't have any other things specifically that are bothering me. I hope I could help you at least a little bit! =D

Hello!! Nice poem!

One think to say though, in the second stanza, your first two lines don't rhyme.

Otherwise this was a great poem, the flow did get alittle rock here and there but if you read the poem aloud you can catch that and fix it.

Welcome to YWS! Hope you like it here!

~Rain~

Hem, well. I like it, and cynics be blasted. XD

I liked it better when I didn't know the specifics of what it was about. The piece definitely had some emotion to it, and not just blatant expression. That is my preference anyway, poetry that let's you interpret. I didn't feel it was necessary to explain. That said the ending seems to return to a mix between the initial emotion of the poem and a move towards the positive. It's not necessarily something wrong, just felt sort of odd to me. Anyway, I liked it.

But the cold tile on your feetAwoke the memories of deceit
That was the only line that kind of threw me off. Other than that *clapsverrrryloud* well done(:. This is very good, not only is this discriptive and very, unique but it is also very rare too. You ussually dont see authors writing so good, at only 18. This is very good, and I could picture it in my mind. The words you used were very beautiful(:

Nightshade, this is a genuinely beautiful poem. As I read it, I could see it, and I even went back to read it again three more times. Althought I do agree that the meaning is unclear, the word choice is clever, and by leaving the meaning unspecified, you have cleverly left that to the imaginations of the readers. Something bad obviously happened to this person, and it seems as though they were hidden away -- in denial perhaps -- for a very long time. That's all I can assume directly from the text, but I was able to fill in the blanks for myself. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but it was very cleverly done. Excellent job!

I think it's really good. I thought it was about everyone trying to brainwash someone who can't be brainswashed because they have 'woken up'. As that, it works really well for me. As what you said it was supposed to mean, I didn't get it.