She awoke in the morning and kept her eyes tightly shut; embracing these few seconds that she would have to lie in bed with William, engulfed in Egyptian cotton and his brilliant scent. In only a matter of time, the children would be thudding through the doorway, disrupting the calm. They would bounce at the foot of the four-poster bed begging for breakfast and Saturday morning television. She could almost hear little Sophie, with her animated toddler voice “Mommy, Daddy! French Toast, peaseeee!” Moments passed, too many. She had expected the silence to be ravaged to pieces by now. These moments became almost tedious. There wasn’t a sound to be heard, not even the steady breathing of a body next to her. Everything was still. Curiously she opened her eyes, but with hesitation. William’s side of the bed was empty; this was strange. She slowly sat upright in the bed, finally completely awake. Her worry had quickly been transformed to despair as she realized her half-asleep mistake. She loosened her tight grasp on the ivory sheets and gazed down. A single tear fell upon her naked left hand. The dreams she used to sleep for, that emphasized the once-beautiful reality, had now found a way to torment her. Waking up to this reality became a nightmare; compared to the angels she adored in her dreams. These children, Sophie and Seth – were nothing more than a dream, a figment of her imagination, but her innermost desires. She could close her eyes and see their pretty little pale faces, and hear their chiming, charming voices. She could feel them, living inside of her heart. She knew them. Unable to comprehend the reasons for all of this, she sobbed quietly into her pillow, feeling like she had lost everything. William was gone, and Seth and Sophie were just imaginary children that had become a part of her. Seeing them every time she closed her eyes was the worst part of this. It validated just how broken she really was.
The mess of Jack Johnson lyrics, wishful thinking, and endless nights of falling asleep thinking of his voice, was now merely a collection of regret and empty memories that she wished to leave her completely—to feel numb again, to any belief. There must be a way around this heartbreak. She just had to find it first...
