Hayden Dylan

okay, so this is a short story I had to write for my Creative Writing class last year, the theme was a sports story and I am not that into sports. This is the best I could come up with. I thought it turned out pretty good but I am accepting comments on to improve my style of writing now that you guys have had a taste of what kind of things I write about. And how much you want to bet I won't get more than two reviews because it is so long? Haahaha.

VOLLEYBALL: HAYDEN by: Rayne


Cold. I remember it was cold. I was walking along the only beach in my town, Fallen Leaf. People think that everyplace in California is always so hot. It’s not though, I remember, it was cold.
I was the only one that walked along that only beach. No one in sight, not even those pesky seagulls that fly over the water because they have nothing else better to do. The waves crashing against the shore made a sound like a waterfall. And the smell of the salt-water stung my nose. Most of all I remember that white van sitting on the edge of beach, as if it were waiting for something, for me.
I was the best volleyball player on the team and volleyball was what consumed my thoughts almost every day. I continuously thought about strategies and new ways to serve the ball so fast that no one would want to hit it. I thought about my life like a constant volleyball game. That was until that morning.
I was just relaxing before the big championship. I always came to the beach just to reflect, ever since I had started volleyball. Volleyball put a lot of stress on me, it really did. No one could even imagine what it’s like to stay at the top of my game. Being 17, the youngest (and the best) professional volleyball player in the country was rough.
In my little town of Fallen Leaf, California I was like a movie star. Whenever I played a game the whole town would show up. Yeah, that’s a lot of pressure. The fan club would always come. I didn’t even know I had a fan club! The club was a bunch of screaming girls just waiting to touch my hair or get a picture with me. It felt fantastic to have complete strangers tell you how great you are. I can hardly fathom that it was actually real. You haven’t lived until your fan club chases you 15 blocks, and for what? Just so they can bask in my awesomeness.
Once I even saw a poster of myself in a magazine, the thought of me being on some girl’s wall freaked me out. I don’t look at the magazines anymore.
But that night was the big championship, so I had to focus all of my energy on volleyball. I had to get my mind past all the screaming fans and flashing lights of the cameras. I had to concentrate on the ball; wherever it went I would go.
I imagined the beach as the volleyball court. The lapping waves became a thunderous applause and the crying seagulls became cheering fans. The soft sand turned into the hard wood flooring and a net appeared in front of me. I stood back and marveled the humongous stadium. My breaths became steady and slow and my lungs filled with confidence. If I could keep that up, I would surely win. I heard people screaming my name.
“Hayden! Hayden!”
Then I heard:
“Hayden! Can I get your autograph?!”
The voice was closer than expected, and a man’s, which snapped me back into reality.
There was a man standing by that creepy, white, van waving his arms at me. It always surprised me that I had male fans but I never refused and autograph or whatever else they wanted.
As I got closer I could distinct his features. He had dark brown, almost black hair with that scruffy kind of look to his face. He looked sort of like me except I have black hair and hazel eyes. And he looked about 20, maybe 21.
“Hey”, I said taking my hood from my sweatshirt off.
“Hi. Can I get your autograph?”
“Sure”, I said flattered, taking the pen and paper.
“Who should I make it out to?”
No reply. I guess that should have been my first clue something was up, but I thought nothing of it. Suddenly a handkerchief covered my mouth and nose. I tried to breathe in and out but something stung my throat. In an instant I blacked out and felt the cold sand on my face.



* * *

VOLLEYBALL: BEN
The crowd. The lights. All the excitement anyone could ever dream of.
“This is the biggest game of the year”, Coach Berkly said to the players then realized one of the more valuable players was missing.
“Where’s Hayden?” the coach asked.
All the teammates looked at each other.
“I guess he is chicken after all,” I said looking very triumphant.
I was the second leading volleyball player in the country; I would do anything to be the first. I hated Hayden, I was the one that deserved to be the best volleyball player on the team. I put more effort into the sport than Hayden ever had. But if he kept this routine of not showing up, his place as best player would be lost and I would rightfully be there.
“Ben, if Hayden doesn’t show up you’re going in,” Coach said.
I jumped for joy inside. I knew Hayden wouldn’t show up, that little wimp. The buzzer sounded, it was time to get serious. My team was serving first and since Hayden is usually in serving position, I got to take his place.
This was going to be easy. The whistle blew and I imagined the ball as Hayden’s head. Swinging with all my might I hit the ball out of my hand. I closed my eyes and heard the sound of the ball sailing over the net and waited to some one return it. That sound never came. Opening my eyes I heard the crowd sigh, I had hit it diagonal. I had never done that before. Glancing at my coach I saw him mouth ‘What was that?’ I couldn’t reply, what was that? I was mad, and hearing people ask ‘Where’s Hayden?’ made me angrier.
The other team served the ball. It was a good volley, it was returned ten times. That was until it came my way. It literally would of fell right into my arms, but I just had to be a show off and try one of Hayden’s signature moves. Later on I saw the video on Youtube, it looked like I was trying to fly. I was flailing my arms every way they could possibly go.
“What the heck was that?!” Coach Berkly yelled.
During the game Coach had to call three time outs on a count of me. In the last one the said this:
“Look Ben, you’re on of the best players on this team. You’re to good to put on the bench but I’ll have to sit you out if you keep this act up, understand? Now, we only have to get three more points to win this thing, you’re up to serve. Don’t serve like you have been this whole game, okay?”
I nodded. I jogged back onto the court, the ball was thrust into my hands, I thought about nothing but me and the ball. I swung my arm and watched it go over
“Yes”, I whispered to myself.
No one returned it. Just two more serves like that and we would win. The next serve got over, the other tried to hit it over but when they did it went out of bounds. Finally the last serve, the one that would win the game. I hit the ball as hard as I could. All I felt was the ball on my hand and for a split second I could hear nothing but the sound of me hitting the ball.
One of the guys from the other team dived for it but didn’t get there in time. In a split second the sound of cheering filled the stadium. I smiled, those were for me, not for Hayden. My teammates lifted me off the ground and gave me the trophy, as if it were mine. I held my hands high over my head, like they do in the end of movies. But unlike the movies I knew this wasn’t the end. All I knew was that Hayden was out of my hair, at least for now.



KIDNAPPING: MARK

I had such resentful feelings for him. I hated his success. That little twerp Hayden was lying on the couch, out like a light. I used Ether to knock him out, how did I get it? Don’t ask.
I was cleaning up in the kitchen waiting for him to wake up. It wasn’t until 5:00 the next day that I heard the creaking of the couch. I sat right in front of him. Hayden rubbed his head.
“Where am I?” he asked
“Whoa!” he exclaimed when he saw me.
He studied my face for a bit.
“Hey, you’re that guy!” he said like he would win some sort of prize.
Then I saw a split second of horror in his eyes as he remembered. Hayden sat upright and scooted to the opposite end of the couch.
“What do you want with me?”
Before I could reply he started naming all the possibilities.
“Money? Do you want money? I have money, you can have it and let me go.”
I considered that for a moment but I remembered why I did this in the first place.
I shook my head
“I want you to do me a favor.”
“I knew it. This is some sort of crazed fan obsession!”
That got me angry.
“I’m not obsessed! I’m not even a fan you little brat!”, I yelled standing up.
“Well, who are you?”
I sighed, if I was going to get him to listen to me I’d have to tell him the truth.
“I’m your half-brother, Mark.”
His hazel eyes looked at me quite astounded. Then all the shock was gone, like he had suspected it all along.
“Yeah,” he said looking down in total monotone, like he was sure I wouldn’t hurt him now.
“So what’s the favor?”
“I need you to quit volleyball.”
Hayden looked up.
“What! I’, not going to quit! Why?!”
“You don’t understand what it’s like to live with you as a brother. I am constantly reminded of your success and my failure.”
Hayden stared hard at me.
“Aren’t you the weather guy from Channel 6?”
I assumed that was his attempt to lighten the mood
“Yes,” I answered ashamed.
“Well you give very accurate weather forecasts.”
“Thanks,” I muttered.
“I’m serious, you’re going to quit,” I threatened.
“Yeah? What if I don’t want to?” Hayden said with a smirk.
“Let’s just say I don’t think anyone wants to find your body in a river.”
He looked at me.
“You wouldn’t,” he said, and behind his eyes I could see the terror.
“I would, I hate you enough,”
I stepped closer to him, my hands were shaking by the time I wrapped them around his neck. That smirk was gone. He struggled a lot less than I thought he would, he tried to unwrap my hands from his neck but he found that I would just tightened my grip so he stopped trying. If I just applied the right amount of pressure…no! Killing him would solve nothing.
“I’ll resign,” he said through gasps of air.
“And you won’t tell anyone?”
I could feel his Adam’s apple as he tried to swallow.
“No one, I promise.”
I loosened my grasp. It was over, I told myself, all the pain was over. And I kept telling myself that as he ran out the door and out into the street.



RESIGNATION: MEDIA

Everyone had there eyes on # 27, Hayden Dylan as he walked up onto the stage in a suit holding a piece of paper. He stood at the podium that had about 20 microphones pointed at him. That piece of paper was his resignation speech. Sweat dripped down his forehead as he read it.
“ I’d never thought that I’d be making this speech at 17. Some would say I never lived up to my potential, especially since I missed the championship and for that I’m deeply sorry. I want to thank all of my fans, friends, family and all who have supported me. I know some and most of my fans are disappointed that I am leaving what some would say as my calling. But due to personal reasons I have decided to resign from volleyball, a sport which is probably my only true love. Thank you”
Hayden gave his jersey to Coach Berkly and walked off the stage. And if you looked close enough you could see the smallest of tears roll down his cheek.

TODAY

Ben Gorgan is the #1 volleyball player in the country, proud that his hard work paid off. Hayden moved from Fallen Leaf to Miami and works coaching a middle school volleyball team. And despite Mark’s efforts the world never forgot Hayden Dylan.

Hey man, I read the first few paragraphs here, and I like what I see, but I don't want to miss any suggestions I had to give, and I don't think I'll want to read over it twice to make sure of that, so I'm going to make them as I go. See you at the end!

Rayneisthename wrote:VOLLEYBALL: HAYDEN by: Rayne


Cold. I remember it was cold. I was walking along the only beach in my town, Fallen Leaf. Maybe reword that? Maybe something like "I was walking along the only beach in Fallen Leaf, my home town" People think that everyplace in California is always so hot. It’s not though, I remember, it was cold. AHAH Love that
I was the only one that walked along that only beach. No one in sight, not even those pesky seagulls that fly over the water because they have nothing else better to do. The waves crashing against the shore made a sound like a waterfall, and the smell of the salt-water stung my nose. Most of all I remember that white van sitting on the edge of beach, as if it were waiting for something, for me.
I was the best volleyball player on the team and volleyball was what consumed my thoughts almost every day. I continuously thought about strategies and new ways to serve the ball so fast that no one would want to hit it. I thought about my life like a constant volleyball game. That is, I did until that morning.
I was just relaxing before the big championship. I always came to the beach just to reflect, ever since I had started volleyball. Volleyball put a lot of stress on me, it really did. No one could even imagine what it’s like to stay at the top of my game. Being 17, the youngest (and the best) professional volleyball player in the country was rough. You go boy!
In my little town of Fallen Leaf, California I was like a movie star. Whenever I played a game the whole town would show up. Yeah, that’s a lot of pressure. The fan club would always come. I didn’t even know I had a fan club! The club was a bunch of screaming girls just waiting to touch my hair or get a picture with me. It felt fantastic to have complete strangers tell you how great you are. I can hardly fathom that it was actually real. You haven’t lived until your fan club chases you 15 blocks, and for what? Just so they can bask in my awesomeness. Great word choice!
Once I even saw a poster of myself in a magazine, the thought of me being on some girl’s wall freaked me out. I don’t look at the magazines anymore. LOL
But that night was the big championship, so I had to focus all of my energy on volleyball. I had to get my mind past all the screaming fans and flashing lights of the cameras. I had to concentrate on the ball; wherever it went I would go.
I imagined the beach as the volleyball court. The lapping waves became a thunderous applause and the crying seagulls became cheering fans. Obviously not right now though right? You said there were no seagulls? >.> The soft sand turned into the hardwood (one word) flooring and a net appeared in front of me. I stood back and marveled the humongous stadium. My breaths became steady and slow and my lungs filled with confidence. If I could keep that up, I would surely win. I heard people screaming my name.
“Hayden! Hayden!”
Then I heard:
“Hayden! Can I get your autograph?!”
The voice was closer than expected, and a man’s, which snapped me back into reality.
There was a man standing by that creepy, white, van waving his arms at me. It always surprised me that I had male fans but I never refused and autograph or whatever else they wanted.
As I got closer I could distinct his features. He had dark brown, almost black hair with that scruffy kind of look to his face. He looked sort of like me except I have black hair and hazel eyes. And he looked about 20, maybe 21.
“Hey”, I said taking my hood from my sweatshirt off.
“Hi. Can I get your autograph?”
“Sure”, I said flattered, taking the pen and paper.
“Who should I make it out to?”
No reply. I guess that should have been my first clue something was up, but I thought nothing of it. Suddenly a handkerchief covered my mouth and nose. I tried to breathe in and out but something stung my throat. In an instant I blacked out and felt the cold sand on my face. Wonderful action here, amazing way to leave it there.

* * *

VOLLEYBALL: BEN
The crowd. The lights. All the excitement anyone could ever dream of.
“This is the biggest game of the year”, Coach Berkly said to the players then realized one of the more valuable players was missing.
“Where’s Hayden?” the coach asked.
All the teammates looked at each other.
“I guess he is chicken after all,” I said looking very triumphant.
I was the second leading volleyball player in the country; I would do anything to be the first. I hated Hayden, I was the one that deserved to be the best volleyball player on the team. I put more effort into the sport than Hayden ever had. But if he kept this routine of not showing up, his place as best player would be lost and I would rightfully be there.
“Ben, if Hayden doesn’t show up you’re going in,” Coach said.
I jumped for joy inside. I knew Hayden wouldn’t show up, that little wimp. The buzzer sounded, it was time to get serious. My team was serving first and since Hayden is usually in serving position, I got to take his place.
This was going to be easy. The whistle blew and I imagined the ball as Hayden’s head. Swinging with all my might I hit the ball out of my hand. I closed my eyes and heard the sound of the ball sailing over the net and waited to some one return it. That sound never came. Opening my eyes I heard the crowd sigh, I had hit it diagonal. I had never done that before. Glancing at my coach I saw him mouth ‘What was that?’ I couldn’t reply, what was that? I was mad, and hearing people ask ‘Where’s Hayden?’ made me angrier.
The other team served the ball. It was a good volley, it was returned ten times. That was until it came my way. It literally would of fell right into my arms, but I just had to be a show off and try one of Hayden’s signature moves. Later on I saw the video on Youtube, it looked like I was trying to fly. I was flailing my arms every way they could possibly go.
“What the heck was that?!” Coach Berkly yelled.
During the game Coach had to call three time outs on a count of me. In the last one the said this:
“Look Ben, you’re on of the best players on this team. You’re to good to put on the bench but I’ll have to sit you out if you keep this act up, understand? Now, we only have to get three more points to win this thing, you’re up to serve. Don’t serve like you have been this whole game, okay?”
I nodded. I jogged back onto the court, the ball was thrust into my hands, I thought about nothing but me and the ball. I swung my arm and watched it go over
“Yes”, I whispered to myself.
No one returned it. Just two more serves like that and we would win. The next serve got over, the other tried to hit it over but when they did it went out of bounds. Finally the last serve, the one that would win the game. I hit the ball as hard as I could. All I felt was the ball on my hand and for a split second I could hear nothing but the sound of me hitting the ball.
One of the guys from the other team dived for it but didn’t get there in time. In a split second the sound of cheering filled the stadium. I smiled, those were for me, not for Hayden. My teammates lifted me off the ground and gave me the trophy, as if it were mine. I held my hands high over my head, like they do in the end of movies. But unlike the movies I knew this wasn’t the end. All I knew was that Hayden was out of my hair, at least for now.



KIDNAPPING: MARK

I had such resentful feelings for him. I hated his success. That little twerp Hayden was lying on the couch, out like a light. I used Ether to knock him out, how did I get it? Don’t ask. Kay... I won't
I was cleaning up in the kitchen waiting for him to wake up. It wasn’t until 5:00 the next day that I heard the creaking of the couch. I sat right in front of him. Hayden rubbed his head.
“Where am I?” he asked. “Whoa!” he exclaimed when he saw me. Try to keep all dialougue of the same person on one line. I fixed that here.
He studied my face for a bit.
“Hey, you’re that guy!” he said like he would win some sort of prize.
Then I saw a split second of horror in his eyes as he remembered. Hayden sat upright and scooted to the opposite end of the couch.
“What do you want with me?”
Before I could reply he started naming all the possibilities.
“Money? Do you want money? I have money, you can have it and let me go.”
I considered that for a moment but I remembered why I did this in the first place.
I shook my head
“I want you to do me a favor.”
“I knew it. This is some sort of crazed fan obsession!”
That got me angry.
“I’m not obsessed! I’m not even a fan you little brat!”, I yelled standing up.
“Well, who are you?”
I sighed, if I was going to get him to listen to me I’d have to tell him the truth.
“I’m your half-brother, Mark.”
His hazel eyes looked at me quite astounded. Then all the shock was gone, like he had suspected it all along.
“Yeah,” he said looking down in total monotone, like he was sure I wouldn’t hurt him now. “So what’s the favor?” ONE LINE XD. Also, maybe a little confusing there? Does Hayden realize he's his half brother? Or is he just surrendering? Not quite clear...
“I need you to quit volleyball.”
Hayden looked up. “What! I’m not going to quit! Why?!” Grr...
“You don’t understand what it’s like to live with you as a brother. I am constantly reminded of your success and my failure.”
Hayden stared hard at me, “Aren’t you the weather guy from Channel 6?” Alright, that's it! HAMMER TIME! AHAHAH
I assumed that was his attempt to lighten the mood
“Yes,” I answered ashamed.
“Well you give very accurate weather forecasts.” Great line Thanks for making me feel better Hayden. XD GENIUS! That last part was to the writer, it's actually so clever!
“Thanks,” I muttered. “I’m serious, you’re going to quit,” I threatened. (One line! I changed it!)
“Yeah? What if I don’t want to?” Hayden said with a smirk.
“Let’s just say I don’t think anyone wants to find your body in a river.”
He looked at me.
“You wouldn’t,” he said, and behind his eyes I could see the terror.
“I would, I hate you enough,”
I stepped closer to him, my hands were shaking by the time I wrapped them around his neck. That smirk was gone. He struggled a lot less than I thought he would, he tried to unwrap my hands from his neck but he found that I would just tighten my grip so he stopped trying. If I just applied the right amount of pressure…no! Killing him would solve nothing.
“I’ll resign,” he choked through gasps of air. Try that for some variety?
“And you won’t tell anyone?”
I could feel his Adam’s apple as he tried to swallow.
“No one, I promise.”
I loosened my grasp. It was over, I told myself, all the pain was over. And I kept telling myself that as he ran out the door and out into the street.



RESIGNATION: MEDIA

Everyone had there eyes on # 27, Hayden Dylan as he walked up onto the stage in a suit holding a piece of paper. He stood at the podium that had about 20 microphones pointed at him. That piece of paper was his resignation speech. Sweat dripped down his forehead as he read it.
“ I’d never thought that I’d be making this speech at 17. Some would say I never lived up to my potential, especially since I missed the championship and for that I’m deeply sorry. I want to thank all of my fans, friends, family and all who have supported me. I know some and most of my fans are disappointed that I am leaving what some would say as my calling. But due to personal reasons I have decided to resign from volleyball, a sport which is probably my only true love. Thank you”
Hayden gave his jersey to Coach Berkly and walked off the stage. And if you looked close enough you could see the smallest of tears roll down his cheek.

TODAY

Ben Gorgan is the #1 volleyball player in the country, proud that his hard work paid off. Hayden moved from Fallen Leaf to Miami and works coaching a middle school volleyball team. And despite Mark’s efforts the world never forgot Hayden Dylan.

Oh, my god... The ending got me teary... and I'm not a very emotional GUY! Great job though... mostly me going on about Grring and hammer time is you splitting up the dialougue into two paragraphs. It's just a little confusing. Don't worry too much about that though, just be careful.

But yeah, other than those few points, I really like your style and I loved this story, it made me sad at the end, like really sad. It did seem like it didn't take much convincing to get Hayden to quit though. Like, don't you think his parents would have asked him why? Or wouldn't he just go to the police? His brother didn't have a great reason to make him quit, so maybe just beef that up a little?

Okay, now OTHER THAN THOSE POINTS XD... Wonderful job! Loved it again! Keep writing like this, it's great! Especially since you didn't know much about sports... but you really took it to the emotional side of sports, which i like, because you didn't keep it simple and just talk about a big game the whole time. I guess that's why you're on the site though isn't it? Because you can think outside the box. Great skill to have, I'm jealous.

KEEP IT UP!!!

>>>Ryan<<<

P.S. Sorry if my editing messed up to shape of the paragraph... its a tricky art and I don't really know how to do it yet XD

Oh my god, thank you! Thanks for the review (and the tearsXD!) I understand about what you said about how it didnt take much for him to quit, my teacher said that too... But thanks so much you are the most amazig person ever *applaudes reveiw*!!!!!!!

Hey! Review as requested
I really enjoyed reading this story! I thought it had an interesting plot and that it was based on something unique.
I only have a few problems with it.
I'd say the first paragraph maybe puts a little bit too much emphasis on how cold it was. I'd cut out one of the descriptions.

Volleyball put a lot of stress on me, it really did

I wouldn't say 'it really did', as I feel it kinda disjoints the sentence, if that makes sense, and prevents it from flowing as well as it could.

I also feel it would have been better for Hayden to put up more of a struggle; both at the beach and in the kidnappers house. You could really get some vivid descriptions in there!

Other than that, I found this pretty good. There were some really nice descriptions in there, and the story really kept my interest!

Great work, I'm looking forward to seeing more from you!

Hey
This is a very good piece of writing- i enjoyed reading it alot!
any words i put in bold are just suggestions... im pretty sure you are a MUCH better writer than me
so yeah, here i go

VOLLEYBALL: HAYDEN by: Rayne



Cold. I remember it was cold. I was walking along the only beach in my town, Fallen Leaf. People think that everyplace in California is always so hot. It’s not though, I remember, it wasbeing cold.

I was the only one that who walked along that only beach. No one in sight, not even those pesky seagulls that fly over the water because they have nothing else better to do. The waves crashing against the shore made a sound like a waterfall Aand the smell of the salt-water stung my nose. Most of all I remember that white van sitting parkedon the edge of beach, as if it were waiting for something, for me.

I was the best volleyball player on the my team and volleyball was what it consumed my thoughts almost every day. I continuously thought about strategies and new ways to serve the ball so fast that no one would want to hit it. I thought about my life like it was a constant volleyball game. That wasuUntil that morning.

I was just relaxing before the big championship. I always came to the beach just to reflect, ever since I had started volleyball. Volleyball put a lot of stress on me, it really did. No one couldan even imagine what it’s like to stay at the top of my game. Being 17, the youngest (and the best) professional volleyball player in the country was rtough.

In my little town of Fallen Leaf, California, I was like a movie star. Whenever I played a game the whole town would show up. Yeah, that’s a lot of pressure. The fan club would always come. ;I didn’t even know I had a fan club! The club was a bunch of screaming girls just only waiting to touch my hair or get a picture with me. It felt fantastic to have complete strangers tell you how great you are. I can hardly fathombelieve i like the word fathom, it just doesnt quite fit that it was actually real. You haven’t lived until your fan club chases you 15 blocks, and for what? Just so they can bask in my awesomeness. Love that

Once I even saw a poster of myself in a magazine, ;however,the thought of me being on some girl’s wall freaked me out. I don’t look at the magazines anymore.

But tThat night was the big championship, so I had to focus all of my energy on volleyball. I had to get my mind past all the screaming fans and flashing lights of the cameras. I had to concentrate on the ball; wherever it went I would go.

I imagined the beach as the volleyball court. The lapping waves became a thunderous applause and the crying seagulls became cheering fans. The soft sand turned into the hard wood flooring and a net appeared in front of me. I stood back and marveled the humongous stadium. My breaths became steady and slow and my lungs your lungs? your head would work better i think filled with confidence. If I could keep that up, I would surely win. I heard people screaming my name.I love this paragraph

“Hayden! Hayden!”

Then I heard:

“Hayden! Can I get your autograph?!”

The voice was closer than expected, and a man’s, which snapped me back into reality.
The mans voice was closer than expected, and it snapped me back to reality. that might work better

There was a man standing by that creepy, white,van waving his arms at me. It always surprised me that I had male fans but I never refused and autograph or whatever else they wanted.

As I got closer I could distinct distinguish his features. He had dark brown, almost black hair with that scruffy kind of look to his face. He looked sort of a bit like me except I have black hair and hazel eyes. And he looked about 20, maybe 21.

“Hey”, I said taking my hood from my sweatshirt off.

“Hi. Can I get your autograph?”

“Sure”, I said flattered, taking the pen and paper.

“Who should I make it out to?”

No reply. I guess that should have been my first clue that something was up, but I thought nothing of it. Suddenly a handkerchief covered my mouth and nose. I tried to breathe in and out but something stung my throat. In an instant I blacked out and felt the cold sand on my face felt the cold sand on my face then blacked out



* * *



VOLLEYBALL: BEN

The crowd. The lights. All the excitement anyone could ever dream of.

“This is the biggest game of the year”, Coach Berkly said to the players, then realized one of the more valuable players was missing.

“Where’s Hayden?” the coach asked.

All the teammates looked at each other.

“I guess he is chicken after all,” I said, looking very triumphant.

I was the second leading volleyball player in the country; I would do anything to be the first. I hated Hayden, I was the one that deserved to be the best volleyball player on the team. I put more effort into the sport than Hayden ever had... But if he kept this routine of not showing up, his place as best player would be lost and I would rightfully be there.

“Ben, if Hayden doesn’t show up you’re going in,” Coach said.

I jumped for joy inside. I knew Hayden wouldn’t show up, that little wimp. The buzzer sounded, it was time to get serious. My team was serving first and since the absent Hayden is usually in serving position, I got to take his place.

This was going to be easy. The whistle blew and I imagined the ball as Hayden’s head. Swinging with all my might, I hit the ball out of my hand. I closed my eyes and heard the sound of the ball sailing over the net and waited to for some one return it. That sound never came. Opening my eyes, I heard the crowd sigh,- a dash could be nice I had hit it diagonal. I had never done that before. Glancing at my coach I saw him mouth ‘What was that?’ I couldn’t reply, what was that? I was mad, and hearing people ask ‘Where’s Hayden?’ made me angrier.

The other team served the ball. It was a good volley, it was returned ten times. That was until it came my way. It literally would of fellfallen right into my arms, but I just had to be a show off and try one of Hayden’s signature moves. Later on I saw the video on Youtube, it looked like I was trying to fly. I was flailing my arms every way they could possibly go.

“What the heck was that?!” Coach Berkly yelled.

During the game Coach had to call three time outs on a count of me. In the last one the said this:

“Look Ben, you’re on of the best players on this team. You’re too good to put on the bench but I’ll have to sit you out if you keep this act up, understand? Now, we only have to get three more points to win this thing, you’re up to serve. Don’t serve like you have been this whole game, okay?”

I nodded. I jogged back onto the court, the ball was thrust into my hands,and I thought aboutof nothing but me and the ball. I swung my arm and watched it go fly over the net

“Yes”, I whispered to myself.

No one returned it. Just two more serves like that and we would win. The next serve got over, the other tried to hit it over but when they did it went out of bounds. Finally the last serve, the one that would win the game. I hit the ball as hard as I could. All I felt was the ball on my hand and for a split second I could hear nothing but the sound of me hitting the ball.

One of the guys from the other team dived for it but didn’t get there in time. In a split second the sound of cheering filled the stadium. I smiled, those were for me, not for Hayden. My teammates lifted me off the ground and gave me the trophy, as if it were mine. I held my hands high over my head, like they do in the end of movies. But unlike the movies, I knew this wasn’t the end. All I knew was that Hayden was out of my hair, at least for now.



KIDNAPPING: MARK

I had such resentful feelings for him. I hated his success. That little twerp Hayden was lying on the couch, out like a light. I used Ether to knock him out, how did I get it? Don’t ask.

I was cleaning up in the kitchen ,waiting for him to wake up. It wasn’t until 5:00 the next day that I heard the creaking of the couch. I sat right in front of him. Hayden rubbed his head.

“Where am I?” he asked.

“Whoa!” he exclaimed when he saw me.

He studied my face for a bit.

“Hey, you’re that guy!” he said like as if he would win some sort of prize.

Then I saw a split second of horror in his eyes as he remembered. Hayden sat upright and scooted to the opposite end of the couch.

“What do you want with me?”

Before I could reply he started naming all the possibilities.

“Money? Do you want money? I have money, ;you can have it and let me go.”

I considered that for a moment butthen I remembered why I did this in the first place.

I shook my head.

“I want you to do me a favor.”

“I knew it. This is some sort of crazed fan obsession!”

That got me angry.

“I’m not obsessed! I’m not even a fan you little brat!”, I yelled standing up.

“Well, who are you?”

I sighed, if I was going to get him to listen to me I’d have to tell him the truth.

“I’m your half-brother, Mark do you mean Hayden?.”

His hazel eyes looked at me quite astounded. Then all the shock was gone, like he had suspected it all along.

“Yeah,” he said looking down in total monotone, like he was sure I wouldn’t hurt him now, "so, whats the favor?" you dont need to start a new line for this.

“So what’s the favor?”

“I need you to quit volleyball.”

Hayden looked up.

“What! I’m, not going to quit! Why?!”

“You don’t understand what it’s like to live with you as a brother. I am constantly reminded of your success and my failure.”

Hayden stared hard at me.

“Aren’t you the weather guy from Channel 6?”

I assumed that was his attempt to lighten the mood

“Yes,” I answered, ashamed.

“Well you give very accurate weather forecasts.”

“Thanks,” I muttered, then remembered my anger?

“I’m serious, you’re going to quit,” I threatened.

“Yeah? What if I don’t want to?” Hayden said with a smirk.

“Let’s just say I don’t think anyone wants to find your body in a river.”

Helooked stared at me.

“You wouldn’t,” he said, and behind his eyes I could see the terror.

“I would, I hate you enough,”

I stepped closer to him, my hands were shaking by the time I wrapped them around his neck. That smirk was gone. He struggled a lot less than I thought he would, ;he tried to unwrap my hands from his neck but he found that I would just tightened my grip so he stopped trying. If I just applied the right amount of pressure…no! Killing him would solve nothing.

“I’ll resign,” he said through gasps of air.

“And you won’t tell anyone?”

I could feel his Adam’s apple as he tried to swallow.

“No one, I promise.”

I loosened my grasp. It was over, I told myself, all the pain was over. And I kept telling myself that as he ran out the door and out into the street.



RESIGNATION: MEDIA



Everyone had theretheir eyes on # 27, Hayden Dylan as he walked up onto the stage in a suit holding a piece of paper. He stood at the podium that had about 20 microphones pointed at him. That piece of paper was his resignation speech. Sweat dripped down his forehead as he read it.

“ I’d never thought that I’d be making this speech at 17. Some would say I never lived up to my potential, especially since I missed the championship and for that I’m deeply sorry. I want to thank all of my fans, friends, family and all who have supported me. I know some and most of my fans are disappointed that I am leaving the sport that what some would say as my calling. But due to personal reasons I have decided to resign from volleyball, a sport which is probably my only true love. Thank you”

Hayden gave his jersey to Coach Berkly and walked off the stage. Aand if you looked close enough you could see the smallest of tears roll down his cheek.

TODAY

Ben Gorgan is the #1 volleyball player in the country, proud that his hard work paid off. Hayden moved from Fallen Leaf to Miami and works coaching a middle school volleyball team.. And dDespite Mark’s efforts the world never forgot Hayden Dylan.

A very brilliant story!
Just a few classic typo's and grammatic mistakes,
but the plot was good and despcription was lovely too

-Ava

Hey Rayne! Pink here

Cold. I remember it was cold. I was walking along the only beach in my town, Fallen Leaf. People think that everyplace in California is always so hot. It’s not though, I remember, it was cold.

This whole repetition of 'cold' is kind of bugging me. I know you were trying to glorify the meaning there but I think you could have tweaked this opener a bit more.

No one in sight, not even those pesky seagulls that fly over the water because they have nothing else better to do.

I think you could have omit the last part of this, it seems like extra baggage. Don't over stuff your writing, only state what you have to state otherwise it becomes 'fluff'.

**Also I think you should have cleared Hayden's gender first. I kept thinking he was a she the entire first half. xD Maybe that was just me though.

I jumped for joy inside. I knew Hayden wouldn’t show up, that little wimp. The buzzer sounded, it was time to get serious. My team was serving first and since Hayden is usually in serving position, I got to take his place.

How is he a wimp if he's got a bunch of fangirls and from the impression you gave me, I thought hew as pretty good and also quite cocky. It would seem weird that he'd ditch the championship match.

I hit the ball as hard as I could. All I felt was the ball on my hand and for a split second I could hear nothing but the sound of me hitting the ball.

Try to watch out for repetition. Here you have 'hit' and 'hitting'. There are different ways and alternate words you can use so that your story doesn't sound repetitive.

“Hey, you’re that guy!” he said like he would win some sort of prize.

I don't think you'd look at your kidnapper in 'won some sort of prize' way when you wake up. I'd be deathly scared out of my mind. I'd ask where I was, or what the kidnapper was doing. What his motives were and why me?

“I’m your half-brother, Mark.”

I think think of thousand better ways to tell someone that they are half-brothers. Kidnapping is possibly the last thing on my mind. And why kidnap during a championship, anyway? Did he not have a better time?

“You don’t understand what it’s like to live with you as a brother. I am constantly reminded of your success and my failure.”

What kind of failure?



I can see some potential in this story if you gave it more length. First of all, let's take a look at your characters, they were slightly more 2-D than what I had hoped. Try bringing out their goals and ambitions. What does Hayden like so much about Volleyball? From what I had read it seemed to me he liked his fan-girls a lot more than the actual sport itself. Explain his feelings when he's hitting the ball or on the field. In the stands, explain it to me and let me feel what he's feeling. Also, the whole kidnapping thing did not make sense. I have many, many unanswered questions regarding that matter itself. Why would he want to kidnap his half-brother? Also, in what way are they related? How exactly does Hayden remind Mark of his failures? What kind of failures? Why give up Volleyball, what made him think of that reason only? Does he have a twisted mind? Jealousy? Dig deeper into his character and show us his dark side. And another question, if Hayden was kidnapped, why doesn't he contact the authorities? Why not just report him. Again, this ties back to Hayden and his volleyball love. If he liked the sport so much, he shouldn't have given it up so easily. I would fight for my passion.

Your grammar was alright, I didn't spot any big mistakes so I didn't point them out. I do think you might want to slow down this piece a little and add some more description and slightly more imagery. There were a few parts in here where I was lost with the setting. Some of your transitions might need some brushing up. Other than that, it was a good read. Interesting and if expanded, it could have been better.
PM me if you have any questions.
I hope I helped.

-Shear