Without You.

I can't talk.
I can't breathe.

Unless you're near.
Near me.
Near my wide,
Wide and broken eyes.

You were driven here.
For one reason.
And one reason only.

To be like sidewalk chalk.
Here only to be washed away.
Washed away beside me.
And beside me only.

First, I'm just going to correct your spelling etc in pink
Other comments in blue

BrokenSkye wrote:I can't talk.
I can't breathe.

Unless you're near.
Near me. I wouldn't put this line in
Near my wide,
Wide and broken eyes. What do you mean by broken eyes?

You were driven here.
For one reason.
And one reason only. I like this bit

To be like sidewalk chalk.
Here only to be washed away. I like these two lines also
Washed away beside me.
And beside me only.

Overall, good job

nice poem.

This was a good poem. I actually tried to put this into a song form with my guitar and viola. It sounds good.

Thank you all for the comments. I fixed my errors, and thanks for pointing them out for me I guess that I didn't catch them when I ran over it before I posted.

Welcome to YWS my LoveBug! Good poem. Just call me if you need any help with anything!

Your loving and inspiring big sister,

~Rain~

I am mad at you Rain! But thanks for the comment!

Hi there
So, I thought this was a nice piece; you expressed the emotion with great clarity and vividness. However, the repetition just didn't work for me. In a piece as short as this, you need more substance for it to be repetitive (in my opinion, of course). Nice metaphor at the end.

Sorry for the less than helpful review.
Nice piece though.


-Coral-

overall i think its a good poem