Bring Me To My Home *tweaked*

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Just something I threw together last night while I couldn't sleep. ;)

Take me to my home,
where the butterflies out-roar the lions,
in a forest made of amethysts
as it rains down liquid silver-dust.

Set me down to drink,
from a river of flowing lavender,
and to let me swim in a lake of gold.

Show me to the place,
where honey is the melody,
and music is the taste.

Bring me to where I can hear,
the silence of the shout,
and listen to the roaring of the whisper.

Set me in the world
where the wind will take me out to dance,
and the grass will play us honey,
as we dine on the music
served to us by the silver-dust rain.

Leave me in that land,
where the hills will rise above the mountains,
and the mountain will sink
below the valleys.

Let me be in the world,
where the petals of the rose,
are much more lethal than its thorns.

Then lay me down to rest,
on a bed made of a gentle breeze,
and tuck me in with moonbeams,
as the stars sing me to sleep.

Just Bring me to my home,
Oh someone, bring me home.
Last edited by eldEr on Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:47 am, edited 3 times in total.
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?




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Gah, I love it, ISH! 8)

Oh, just one line

Show me to the home


just think you should reconsider this line.

Pff..whatever. Nothing much to say here except it's good! XD

My fave line was you said the rose petals were more lethal than the thorns. =))))

Sarreh for the stinking review. I just love it. XD And oh, it's past twelve.
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not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


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So, my review is going to be even more useless.
Sorry in advance.

But I really did like this piece; it has super interesting and original imagery, which can be somewhat difficult to find. I really don't have any constructive criticism for you. Sorry again.
But nicely done!

-Coral-




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Hopefully this won't be so useless. First of all... *LIKES* Secondly...
*DISCLAIMER* This is YOUR poem and you are free to do what you want. Feel free to ignore anything I might say and in this review I meant no offense at all. These are just my opinions, before changing anything you should get a second opinion and primarily... your own.*

I really liked this poem for the main reason that it featured a lot of contradictions. They were well spread so it didn't feel so list like. I might've written that you ought to put more actions in here but you've done that. There is very little - content wise - to consider. Maybe you might want to re-read. A few lines felt a little bit rugged and um... awkward
where the butterfly will out-roar the lion,

Although reading on, it felt more natural when re-read.

So apart from content, let me say that you should really consider format. Did you plan this? Poetry doesn't have to be planned, but there's no harm in editting sometimes. If this flowed from you, you might want to edit and make it better. If it's planned, then reconsider your chocies. They're not necessarily bad, but perhaps they could be better in someplaces. Just a few questions you mgiht want to ask yourself:

It's lyrical poetry, it doesn't have to be a set POV. Compare:

Take me to my home,
where the butterfly will out-roar the lion,
in a forest made of amethysts
as it rains down liquid silver-dust.

Set me down to drink,
from a river of flowing lavender,
and let me swim in a lake of gold.


and

Take her to her home,
where the butterfly will out-roar the lion,
in a forest made of amethysts
as it rains down liquid silver-dust.

Set her down to drink,
from a river of flowing lavender,
and let her swim in a lake of gold.


Also, word choice. Butterflies or bees? Lion or leorpard? Grass or soil? Honey or chocolate? Get my drift?
---- Although these changes are very minute. I hate using 'Change This Word' in poetry reviews. The best it might do is help rhythm in some place. ------

I think finally you might want to create a sub-story for this (Warning: you might be getting too formal here, you might lose the freshness): Are you dying? Is this your dream? Are you being wed? Is this at night from the point of view from a child whose parents are fighting again?
You don't even have to put this in your poem! BUT, if you are considering really editting or re-writing this, then having this backstory in your mind could really change the feel and possibly add feel or else lose it. Meh... editting sucks.

----------------------

Thanks for the awesome read,
TheNewHero




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I did a little tweaking here and there. ;)

Thanks so much! I'm glad you guys liked it. ^-^
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?




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Dang, that was really, really, beautiful. This is a great poem and well really I'm not sure there's much that needs fixing. I really loved the dining on music, listening to honey.

I really don't have criticism, constructive or otherwise...Just keep it up!
"How can I know what I think until I see what I say?" - E.M. Forster

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Oh wow! You have a gift! This brought tears to my eyes. This was sooo beautiful! please please please keep writing things like this! I can tell you really got into this. If you write soemthign and enjoy writing it then whoever reads it will enjoy it too for the most part. This is probably the most amazing piece i've seen yet! Really what more can I say? Awesome Job!
"No life is forever. We found and fought here. We loved and died here... The crops whither and the bones of hunger walk the sunken roads... The land has failed us... In dance and song we gift and mourn our children. They carry us over the ocean in dance and song.
-American Wake by Riverdance




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Oh my gosh. xD Thank you guys so much! I can't believe I brought tears to somebody's eyes. I had no clue I was that good. xD

Thanks again!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?




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LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

Just sayin. This is amazing. I love it! Obviously (;

-Soggy
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. Life is more like a jar of Jalapenos, what you do today might burn your rear tomorrow!




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Short review: Beautiful imagery, but I didn't really like this bit:
Just Bring me to my home,
Oh someone, bring me home.

Not sure how you could improve it, just thought I'd mention it... Anyway, this was quite alright my dear ;)
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.-Japanese Proverb




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THIS IS SO GOOD. I could picture the music, the bursts, the blossoms the bliss. This is so very good and discriptive, your amazing. This is a poem I could really get into,I love the discription and how I could see every vivid detail of what was going on. It also sounds like a spectacular place to be. Take me with you(:




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Thank you guys a lot. Again. x)

I suppose that passion really is a good thing in poetry writing, huh?

And rememberme, if I ever get to this place, I'll let you know. xD
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?




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this is such a sweet work!



"Storybooks and roleplays are just for fun!" To which I say: of course! But why only "just"? Sometimes fun is found in the full-send. Sometimes fun is found in taking it seriously, and aiming to do it with excellence!
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