Story Seven-The Elven, Dwarven and Human War

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 8
Okay I'm going a little out of order with my novel here.(This is also my first post in awhile besides posting.) I'm posting story seven before six because six needs a lot more work. Anyway enjoy, review, or check out the rest of this collection of short stories.

Please forgive me
What you are reading has been written in accordance to the Great War. It has been written so the Ancient History may be kept alive and that all may know. Although I might not be the one to give you this book fear not. For this particular history will live on among many -Eldroc

My breathing quickened as I glanced over my shoulder. Fresh bursts of speed were used as I tried to outrun my invisible pursuers. Driven on by the fear of being caught, I gripped a parcel tight to my chest. How ridiculous that I should have to run from them now. To understand my predicament you’d have to go back several centuries to when the feud first started.
All those years ago before the feud there was two sects. The dwarves and the elves were the only two that existed. They lived in a harmony until a cause, which is unknown even to me, plunged the countries into war. This war continued for many years with neither side giving any ground. Finally, they came up with an idea that would benefit both sides. The plan was to breed together a group of elves with dwarves. It was successful, thus the race of humans was born.
The humans became the merchants and the neutral party. The war continued with the humans left alone. This was until two specific brothers were born. These brothers were me and my brother. As human’s we were exceptional. For me I was born with more of the qualities of the wise, fair skinned elves. My brother resembled the dwarves more. Most of this mess was my brother’s fault. Now that I think about it there were several events that gave to bad feelings from the dwarves because of him. The biggest one was when he strangled a dwarf in a drunken rage.
Also I’m not without my shortcomings either. Most of my life I have studied in the arts of summoning and alchemy. As of lately I have gotten much better, but far from perfect. Somehow I had managed to summon not just creatures but people. This people much to my dismay were contorted beast that ran amok. On one of their rampages they tore down part of the eastern elven forest.
Panting heavily I found myself in front of a cave. Quickly, I stole into the cave and nervously slumped to the floor. I tore through the package I had been carrying and held it up. Beams of sunlight glinted on the reflection of the steel axe in my hand. Several, second after setting it on the ground a cloud of gray smoke covered the area in front of me. When the wind had cleared the smoke, a small man with fiery red hair stood next to me. Letting out a groan he cracked his fingers and stretched.
“Why’d you have to keep me in that form for so long? It’s really cramped in there.” His voice echoed through the cave with a slight Highlandish accent. I cringed as his outrageous voice assaulted my ears. “Be quite Aeden would you have rather ran all the way here.” He shrugged and sat down. “No, I guess not. We drew sticks though, and you have longer legs. Why are we here anyway?”
Wordless for a moment, I pushed weakly on a stubborn rock covering the exit. “We’re on the run from the elves and dwarves because the run from the elves and dwarves because we know of they’re plan. They’re planning to sweep into the valley today and annihilate the humans. Now help me move this rock.”
Giving an exasperated sigh Aeden walked over to the boulder. Droplets of sweat ran down from his brow as his muscles bulged and he exerted his strength on the rock. With a final yell he heaved the rock up and dropped it out of the way. I patted his shoulder as I peeked through the opening. “Good job. Now come on we have a mission to fulfill.”
I squinted as the bright sunlight shone into my eyes. Below us, at a steep decline¸ lay the settlement of humans. Also visible to the eye was the eastern forest and the western mountain ranges from where the elves and dwarves would come. Aeden scratched his head as he joined me on the ledge. “So how are we going to get down in time?” A few seconds after this question I had formulated a plan.
To our left a thin but still useable ledge waned down the mountain. That path would be our only way down. When my brother caught my gaze he began to catch on. “Okay so we could take that path down. We would never make it on time though.” Aeden’s eyes grew wider when he noticed me start to pick up some sticks. “I know what you’re thinking. You’re not going to do any summoning or magic stuff. Don’t you remember what happened in the forest?” I snorted at the minor snub. “That wasn’t my fault besides do you remember how I gave you your love back.” Aeden shifted his gaze uncomfortably. “Aye, I remember sure enough.”
About a week ago a rockslide destroyed the western wing of a village in the mountains. Aeden’s fiancé to be was killed in the rockslide. I remember the look of terror on his face when we saw her blonde hair sticking out. Never would have imagined someone so rough could be so emotional.

Being his brother I naturally felt bad for him. So using some of her hair I reincarnated her. It actually went perfectly she was exactly like the other one. So their story was happy since then. Aeden’s only reason for coming was probably because she was in the village below.
Gathering some sticks and stones together I began to chant. “Paro Taurus et via ex silva.” Adding some enthusiasm to the last word I jumped back as the sticks and stones began to morph. The branches stretched out until they hollowed out into a cart. Cracking and snapping the rocks broke apart forming wheels. Finally, two pieces of bramble sharpened into a horn shape and rose into the air. With a puff and a snort it turned into a bull. Now we had a cart for transportation. Aeden jumped into the cart and pulled on the reins. “Hurry up and get in.”
Usually I would have protested Aeden’s ill manners. However, right now was no time to be picky. Sullenly, I listened to the sound of thunder of the bulls hooves. Fear stuck in my gullet as I looked over the cart at the wending cliff. If we didn’t die from this would the dwarves and elves do us in.
We zoomed by what had been a tranquil pond as we neared the bottom. Brambles and weeds had choked out the once flourishing flora. Memories of that pond lay broken and scattered in my mind. So much of my life was there. No one except Aeden knew of my secret hiding place underneath the lone willow next to the pond. I used to spend all of my extra time there studying and meditating. Most of the pond had dried up. Murky shallow water and damp ugly muddy shores lay instead. When this was over I was going to fix this among other things.
A sharp nudge to my side shook off my nostalgia. Aeden pointed to the gate of the city in front of us and stopped the cart. Jumping out, he kicked it open. I pursued him as he ran towards the center of town. Over the top of the houses you could see the tall temple that lay in the square. That was where we would have to go to save the village.
I realized by the time I reached the fruit stands the Aeden was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, something pulled me down under the stand. A hairy hand clamped over my mouth. “Shhh it’s me.” The light of a match illuminated Aeden’s face. Momentary relief became panic when he lifted up the tablecloth to peak out. An elf archer was passing by us. Holding my breath I realized he was probably the first of many. I exhaled quickly when he passed into the opposite street.
Getting up I ran quickly towards the temple doors across the street. I motioned for Aeden to follow. Aeden ran as fast as his short legs could carry him. Jumping over a rock his body fell back and hit the ground. An arrow stuck up from his chest. I screamed and saw the archer halfway down the street. Flying off the steps my hands hit the ground, glowing with a circular pattern. A long stream of rocks and dirt rose underneath the fleeing elf.
I raised my hand up and clenched my fist. “Please forgive me.” The rocks drew tighter around him until he was invisible and suffocating. Finally, I released my grip. His body swayed in the air and hit the ground. His body was cold and pale. I turned to Aeden. Touching the arrow I hummed until the arrow splashed onto his body as water. Then I placed both hands over his chest. Once again my hands glowed.
Slowly part of my left hand disappeared. As I stopped I screamed when my arm started hemorrhaging. Placing in my hand over it I tried to clot the blood. When the blood had stopped I wiped off Aeden’s eyes as he started to open them. He smiled as he tried to stand. “I’ll wait here while you go in and finish up.” I smiled back and ran into the temple. I opened the door again and let it close without looking back.
My body was bathed in an array of different colors as I looked up at the stained glass. As much as I would have liked to look at art I had a job to do. I ungracefully ran up three flights of stairs and by the time I reach end of the fourth I was stumbling. New energy flowed as I touched the top stair. I was finally at the right place.
It was a stuffy old tower with not a single object in except an intricate lever on the wall and a simple chair in the corner. Bits of gravel and rubble lay strewn about from the deteriorating walls. Limping forward, I threw my body weight onto the large oak lever. It wobbled for a moment but then dropped down. I lost my balance and hit the floor in unison with more rock breaking away from the wall. A large section of the wall now revealed numerous gears. As if by magic the gears started clicking and turning.
It almost surprised me that after all this time the gears still worked. I finally stood up only to be knocked back down by a large tremor that ran across the down. Quickly regaining my composure I ran over to the window. It was working just like it was supposed to. On the farthest edges of the human land mountain-like barricades were rising. When they finally stopped they formed a barrier around the settlement.
I grinned and slumped into the chair. “Well looks like you did it.” Startled, I looked up. Aeden had entered the room and was looking far better than me. “Yeah it worked perfectly. Hey Aeden.” He looked up pensively from the floor. “Hmmm, what is it?” I shifted in my seat for a moment. “Please forgive me.” Ching! Aeden’s head lolled to the side then hit the ground. His knees buckled and his body hit the ground. “Why” He moaned. An axe lay embedded in the wall.
I coughed as a cloud of smoke filled the room and someone screamed. “Owwwwwwww!!!! Did you have to let me hit the wall? Aggghhh my head.” Aeden walked over to me holding his head. I grinned at him. “Please forgive me brother.” He groaned and sat down. “Don’t get started with that. So what do we do now?” I kicked the lifeless body over. “We wait for the moment.”
Slowly, a purple slime ran out of the body onto the floor. Finally it pooled together and began to take shape. It piled higher and higher until it was as tall as Aeden. Glowing eyes and mouth grew at top but it lacked a developed body. “So you saw to the real me. You even sacrificed your own arm.” I laughed and scooped up some blood. Tapping my stump of and arm with the blood I regenerated it. “I guess if you call that losing. I didn’t see through you either I knew what you were up to. It’s not that hard to pick out a fake elf. While we hid I made a fake Aeden for you to take the bait. I knew you’d switch bodies and try to stop me.”
It smiled eerily and continued. “Very good but do you know why the elves and dwarves have always been at war. I can claim full credit for that. Because of my existence they have slowly been affected by madness and malice.” I frowned slightly and groped inside my cloak pocket. “I admit I was not aware of that. But please forgive me demon as I must erase you from life. It won’t be too hard in your weakened state.”
It sighed as an invisible force pulled it into the bottle in my hand. “So it ends like this.” Throwing the bottle to the ground, I smashed my glowing hand on it. Removing my hand I admired the new two rings that lay there. “Congratulations brother there’s your wedding rings. Just be safe we better leave the barrier up for a few weeks so the evil can dissipate. Come on lets go.” Touching the dead body I smirked with satisfaction as it morphed into a large bird. Both of us leaped out of the window to land on the bird back. Howling in delight like little children, we flew around the town.

Several months later—
Picking up a flat pebble I slung it across the stagnant pond water and watched it skip. Satisfied with the numerous skips I stretched and leaned back against the willow tree. I returned to my writing. I looked up once more at the sky. The world would know of this history. Stories of lore would be told for generations and this saga would live on. I caressed worn bark of the old willow. “Please forgive me for not restoring this place sooner.”
Fiction flight is almost here. Check us out on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fiction-Flight/130489243696865
(yea we don't have a website casue we can't think of a publishing name yet.)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 44887
Reviews 816
Hey, Riven!

Nitpicks/Comments

My breathing quickened as I glanced over my shoulder. Fresh bursts of speed were used as I tried to outrun my invisible pursuers. Driven on by the fear of being caught, I gripped a parcel tight to my chest. How ridiculous that I should have to run from them now. To understand my predicament you’d have to go back several centuries to when the feud first started.

I honestly feel like the whole 'chase/running' opener is getting old. I find myself reading lots of stories where they open with a chase scene and now it's gotten old. I would tell you to change this up slightly but it's not a bad opener since you follow up with an actually plot with the elves and the dwarfs feud. However, if we take a look at the second paragraph:
All those years ago before the feud there was two sects. The dwarves and the elves were the only two that existed. They lived in a harmony until a cause, which is unknown even to me, plunged the countries into war. This war continued for many years with neither side giving any ground. Finally, they came up with an idea that would benefit both sides. The plan was to breed together a group of elves with dwarves. It was successful, thus the race of humans was born.

I felt like this was a bit info-dumpish right in the beginning. Maybe you could save this bit for a better time.
Also, wow elves and dwarfs making humans? D: Very weird but I can see it happening for some reason.
One more thing, I'm pretty sure you spell dwarves as dwarfs. Unless they have alternate spellings. Not sure.
Also I’m not without my shortcomings either.

Comma after Also.
Somehow I had managed to summon not just creatures but people.

Comma after somehow.
This people much to my dismay were contorted beast that ran amok. On one of their rampages they tore down part of the eastern elven forest.

People = plural, so 'this' should be 'these'.
On one of their rampages they tore down part of the eastern elven forest.

I'm pretty sure you need a comma after rampages.
Panting heavily I found myself in front of a cave.

Comma after heavily. Whoo, you have many comma placement errors so I'm going to stop pointing these out.
I would like you to brush up on these simple comma rules to make your piece more presentable and easy to read and review.
I cringed as his outrageous voice assaulted my ears. “Be quite Aeden would you have rather ran all the way here.”

I'm confused with who said this line. Make sure you add breaks between character dialogues to make sure readers don't get confused with who is saying what.
-Did you mean 'be quiet, Aeden?"
Quiet: silence, free of noise.
Quite: To a degree or extent.
“We’re on the run from the elves and dwarves because the run from the elves and dwarves

??? I think you doubled this sentence without knowing.
Being his brother I naturally felt bad for him. So using some of her hair I reincarnated her. It actually went perfectly she was exactly like the other one. So their story was happy since then. Aeden’s only reason for coming was probably because she was in the village below.

Wow, I wonder if he's actually satisfied with this reincarnation. I mean...it's still not the real thing.
Also, the emotion is lacking. His fiance just died and was brought back to life, I'm not feeling the love. u__u
Maybe you could've dug deeper into this relationship.
Getting up I ran quickly towards the temple doors across the street. I motioned for Aeden to follow. Aeden ran as fast as his short legs could carry him. Jumping over a rock his body fell back and hit the ground. An arrow stuck up from his chest. I screamed and saw the archer halfway down the street. Flying off the steps my hands hit the ground, glowing with a circular pattern. A long stream of rocks and dirt rose underneath the fleeing elf.

Your actions are getting quite choppy now. You're overusing the word 'I' here. Try to make your actions flow instead of I jumped to the right. I felt his hand grab my arm and then I shoot him an angry look.
As practice, try limiting your "I's" to just one per paragraph. You are free to go over but do try constructing your sentences different to add variation. Right now, these scenes are boring and lack action.
“Owwwwwwww!!!! Did you have to let me hit the wall? Aggghhh my head.”

D:
You really don't need to emphasize this pain with the drag-wordings.
I mean, "Ow! Did you have let me hit the wall? Argh, my head." Pretty much does the same without the annoying stretched words and the quadruple exclamation marks.
you saw to the real me. You even sacrificed your own arm.” I laughed and scooped up some blood.

You're lacking dialogue tags. You should really try putting in a few to make your dialogue more realistic. Even the simple 'she said, he said, he replied, she answered' can do much difference.

Overall


The beginning of your story was interesting and I like the idea of humans being the result of interbreeding between elves and dwarfs. It seems like a plot for an interesting little story. However, after the first paragraph you jumped into history and it wasn't too bad, although I felt like it was a tad info-dumpy. The idea was clean and there weren't many flaws.

I think your plot could've been better. You story was hard to get into and you basically told us the entire plot in the first few paragraphs. You mentioned that their was a feud and that two brothers would be born and automatically we already know what's going to happen. These guys will save the world, yay!?
Try dropping little hints or start your story off differently and don't give it all away so easily or it'll bore us because we can already predict the main plot and scenario here. Work on making things interesting without info-dumping and stay away from the cliche side of this fantasy-save-the-world-thing, unless you plan on making it 'that' epic or you have a substantially different idea how to turn this around. You do great with the elf and dwarf vendetta but I wish you told more to that story because I found it more interesting than two guys trying to save a village.

I'm guessing that this is a collection of stories with the same characters, right? That could explain the reason why I felt very confused while reading this and had many questions but I won't go deeper with that. Instead I'll comment on your grammar and punctuation. First of all, you had many comma errors, I would highly suggest that you go back to review the little rules to comma placements. They're a little tricky but you'll get the hang of it. They're an essential part of writing and wrong placements can kill a sentence. Seriously. I'm taking this little bit from the cruelty to comma's club we have on YWS.
"Let's eat Grandma."
vs.
"Let's eat, Grandma."
See? You just saved Grandma from being eaten with that little comma.

That's all I have for right now. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

-Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 19733
Reviews 351
Hey there! My edits are in red.



Spoiler
What you are reading has been written in accordance to the Great War. It has been written so the Ancient History may be kept alive and that all may know. Although I might not be the one to give you this book- fear not. This particular history will live on among many -Eldroc (Not gonna lie, this little opener doesn't really make sense)

My breathing quickened as I glanced over my shoulder. I put on a fresh burst of speed as I tried to outrun my invisible pursuers. Driven on by the fear of being caught, I gripped a parcel tight to my chest. How ridiculous that I should have to run from them now. To understand my predicament you’d have to go back several centuries to when the feud first started.
All those years ago before the feud there were two sects. The dwarves and the elves were the only two that existed. They lived in a harmony until a cause, which is unknown even to me, plunged the countries into war. This war continued for many years with neither side giving any ground. Finally, they came up with an idea that would benefit both sides. The plan was to breed together a group of elves with dwarves. It was successful, thus the race of humans was born.
The humans became the merchants and the neutral party. The war continued with the humans left alone. This was until two specific brothers were born- my brother and I. As humans we were exceptional. I was born with more of the qualities of the wise, fair-skinned elves. My brother resembled the dwarves more. Most of this mess was my brother’s fault. Now that I think about it, there were several events that led to the dwarves disliking him. The biggest one was when he strangled a dwarf in a drunken rage.
Also I’m not without my shortcomings either. Most of my life I have studied in the arts of summoning and alchemy. As of lately I have gotten much better, but far from perfect. Somehow I have managed to summon not just creatures but people. These people, much to my dismay, were contorted beast that ran amok. On one of their rampages they tore down part of the eastern elven forest.
(Random POV switch?)Panting heavily I found myself in front of a cave. Quickly, I stole into the cave and nervously slumped to the floor. I tore through the package I had been carrying and held it up. Beams of sunlight glinted on the reflection of the steel axe in my hand. Several seconds after setting it on the ground a cloud of gray smoke covered the area in front of me. When the wind had cleared the smoke, a small man with fiery red hair stood next to me. Letting out a groan he cracked his fingers and stretched.
“Why’d you have to keep me in that form for so long? It’s really cramped in there.” His voice echoed through the cave with a slight Highlandish accent. I cringed as his outrageous voice assaulted my ears.
“Be quite, Aeden. Would you have rather ran all the way here?” He shrugged and sat down.
“No, I guess not. We drew sticks though, and you have longer legs. Why are we here anyway?”
Wordless for a moment, I pushed weakly on a stubborn rock covering the exit. “We’re on the run from the elves and dwarves because the run (Wait, what?) from the elves and dwarves because we know of they’re plan. (This line needs rewriting)They’re planning to sweep into the valley today and annihilate the humans. Now help me move this rock.”
Giving an exasperated sigh Aeden walked over to the boulder. Droplets of sweat ran down from his brow as his muscles bulged and he exerted his strength on the rock (So does this line). With a final yell he heaved the rock up and dropped it out of the way. I patted his shoulder as I peeked through the opening. “Good job. Now come on, we have a mission to fulfill.”
I squinted as the bright sunlight shone into my eyes. Below us, at a steep decline¸ lay the settlement of humans. Also visible to the eye was the eastern forest and the western mountain ranges from where the elves and dwarves would come. Aeden scratched his head as he joined me on the ledge. “So how are we going to get down in time?” A few seconds after this question I had formulated a plan.
To our left a thin but still useable ledge waned (misused word?) down the mountain. That path would be our only way down. When my brother caught my gaze he began to catch on. “Okay, so we could take that path down. We would never make it on time though.” Aeden’s eyes grew wider when he noticed me start to pick up some sticks. “I know what you’re thinking. You’re not going to do any summoning or magic stuff. Don’t you remember what happened in the forest?” I snorted at the minor snub.
“That wasn’t my fault. Besides do you remember how I gave you your love back?” Aeden shifted his gaze uncomfortably.
“Aye, I remember sure enough.”
About a week ago a rockslide destroyed the western wing of a village in the mountains. Aeden’s fiancé was killed in the rockslide. I remember the look of terror on his face when we saw her blonde hair sticking out. Never would I have imagined someone so rough could be so emotional.

Being his brother, I naturally felt bad for him. So using some of her hair I reincarnated her. It actually went perfectly- she was exactly like the other one. So their story was happy since then. Aeden’s only reason for coming was probably because she was in the village below.
Gathering some sticks and stones together I began to chant. “Paro Taurus et via ex silva.” Adding some enthusiasm to the last word I jumped back as the sticks and stones began to morph. The branches stretched out until they hollowed out into a cart. Cracking and snapping the rocks broke apart, forming wheels. Finally, two pieces of bramble sharpened into a horn shape and rose into the air. With a puff and a snort it turned into a bull. Now we had a cart for transportation. Aeden jumped into the cart and pulled on the reins. “Hurry up and get in.”
Usually I would have protested Aeden’s ill manners. However, right now was no time to be picky. Sullenly, I listened to the sound of thunder of the bulls hooves. Fear stuck in my gullet as I looked over the cart at the wending (wending? word use) cliff. If we didn’t die from this, would the dwarves and elves do us in.

We zoomed by what had been a tranquil pond as we neared the bottom. Brambles and weeds had choked out the once flourishing flora. Memories of that pond lay broken and scattered in my mind. So much of my life was there. No one except Aeden knew of my secret hiding place underneath the lone willow next to the pond. I used to spend all of my extra time there studying and meditating. Most of the pond had dried up. Murky shallow water and damp, ugly, muddy shores lay in its place. When this was over, I was going to fix this among other things.
A sharp nudge to my side shook off my nostalgia. Aeden pointed to the gate of the city in front of us and stopped the cart. Jumping out, he kicked it open. I pursued him as he ran towards the center of town. Over the top of the houses you could see the tall temple that lay in the square. That was where we would have to go to save the village.

I realized by the time I reached the fruit stands the Aeden was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, something pulled me down under the stand. A hairy hand clamped over my mouth.
“Shhh it’s me.” The light of a match illuminated Aeden’s face. Momentary relief became panic when he lifted up the tablecloth to peak out. An elf archer was passing by us. Holding my breath I realized he was probably the first of many. I exhaled quickly when he passed into the opposite street.
Getting up I ran quickly towards the temple doors across the street. I motioned for Aeden to follow. Aeden ran as fast as his short legs could carry him. Jumping over a rock his body fell back and hit the ground. An arrow stuck up from his chest. I screamed and saw the archer halfway down the street. Flying off the steps my hands hit the ground, glowing with a circular pattern. A long stream of rocks and dirt rose underneath the fleeing elf.
I raised my hand up and clenched my fist. “Please forgive me.” The rocks drew tighter around him until he was invisible and suffocating. Finally, I released my grip. His body swayed in the air and hit the ground. His body was cold and pale. I turned to Aeden. Touching the arrow I hummed until the arrow splashed onto his body as water. Then I placed both hands over his chest. Once again my hands glowed.
Slowly part of my left hand disappeared. As I stopped I screamed when my arm started hemorrhaging. Placing in my hand over it I tried to clot the blood. When the blood had stopped I wiped off Aeden’s eyes as he started to open them. He smiled as he tried to stand. “I’ll wait here while you go in and finish up.” I smiled back and ran into the temple. I opened the door again and let it close without looking back.
My body was bathed in an array of different colors as I looked up at the stained glass. As much as I would have liked to look at art I had a job to do. I ungracefully ran up three flights of stairs and by the time I reach end of the fourth I was stumbling. New energy flowed as I touched the top stair. I was finally at the right place.
It was a stuffy old tower with not a single object in it except an intricate lever on the wall and a simple chair in the corner. Bits of gravel and rubble lay strewn about from the deteriorating walls. Limping forward, I threw my body weight onto the large oak lever. It wobbled for a moment but then dropped down. I lost my balance and hit the floor in unison with more rock breaking away from the wall. A large section of the wall now revealed numerous gears. As if by magic the gears started clicking and turning.
It almost surprised me that after all this time that the gears still worked. I finally stood up only to be knocked back down by a large tremor that ran across the down. Quickly regaining my composure I ran over to the window. It was working just like it was supposed to. On the farthest edges of the human land mountain-like barricades were rising. Where they finally stopped they formed a barrier around the settlement.

I grinned and slumped into the chair.
“Well looks like you did it.” Startled, I looked up. Aeden had entered the room and was looking far better than me. “Yeah it worked perfectly. Hey Aeden.” He looked up pensively from the floor. “Hmmm, what is it?” I shifted in my seat for a moment. “Please forgive me.” Ching! Aeden’s head lolled to the side then hit the ground. His knees buckled and his body hit the ground. “Why” He moaned. An axe lay embedded in the wall.
I coughed as a cloud of smoke filled the room and someone screamed. “Owwwwwwww!!!! Did you have to let me hit the wall? Aggghhh my head.” Aeden walked over to me holding his head. I grinned at him. “Please forgive me brother.” He groaned and sat down. “Don’t get started with that. So what do we do now?” I kicked the lifeless body over. “We wait for the moment.”
Slowly, a purple slime ran out of the body onto the floor. Finally it pooled together and began to take shape. It piled higher and higher until it was as tall as Aeden. Glowing eyes and mouth grew at top but it lacked a developed body. “So you saw to the real me. You even sacrificed your own arm.” I laughed and scooped up some blood. Tapping my stump of and arm with the blood I regenerated it. “I guess if you call that losing. I didn’t see through you either I knew what you were up to. It’s not that hard to pick out a fake elf. While we hid I made a fake Aeden for you to take the bait. I knew you’d switch bodies and try to stop me.”
It smiled eerily and continued. “Very good but do you know why the elves and dwarves have always been at war? I can claim full credit for that. Because of my existence they have slowly been affected by madness and malice.” I frowned slightly and groped inside my cloak pocket. “I admit I was not aware of that. But please forgive me demon as I must erase you from life. It won’t be too hard in your weakened state.”
It sighed as an invisible force pulled it into the bottle in my hand. “So it ends like this.” Throwing the bottle to the ground, I smashed my glowing hand on it. Removing my hand I admired the new two rings that lay there. “Congratulations brother there're your wedding rings. Just to be safe we better leave the barrier up for a few weeks so the evil can dissipate. Come on let's go.” Touching the dead body I smirked with satisfaction as it morphed into a large bird. Both of us leaped out of the window to land on the bird's back. Howling in delight like little children, we flew around the town.

Several months later—
Picking up a flat pebble I slung it across the stagnant pond water and watched it skip. Satisfied with the numerous skips I stretched and leaned back against the willow tree. I returned to my writing. I looked up once more at the sky. The world would know of this history. Stories of lore would be told for generations and this saga would live on. I caressed worn bark of the old willow. “Please forgive me for not restoring this place sooner.”




Okay..... so this had an interesting plot. However, I felt like your characters were not well developed. Your MC was very Mary Sue-ish. "My brother's dead? Let me heal him. His wife is dead? I'll bring her back to life. Let me single handedly kill this villain, all while being perfectly calm and attractive. However, I'm an amateur."

See what I mean? There's nothing he can't do.

This whole thing was riddled with errors. I honestly couldn't fix them all, there were so may. You need to go back and do some serious editing.

I'll be honest, I had absolutely no idea what was going on at the end. Your writing because so jumbled and error- filled I would discern what anyone was saying or who was talking. The events all morphed together and I had no idea what was going on. You need to rewrite the ending a lot.

This has potential! Work on it!

Cheers,

Tori
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 19733
Reviews 351
Hey there! My edits are in red.



Spoiler
What you are reading has been written in accordance to the Great War. It has been written so the Ancient History may be kept alive and that all may know. Although I might not be the one to give you this book- fear not. This particular history will live on among many -Eldroc (Not gonna lie, this little opener doesn't really make sense)

My breathing quickened as I glanced over my shoulder. I put on a fresh burst of speed as I tried to outrun my invisible pursuers. Driven on by the fear of being caught, I gripped a parcel tight to my chest. How ridiculous that I should have to run from them now. To understand my predicament you’d have to go back several centuries to when the feud first started.
All those years ago before the feud there were two sects. The dwarves and the elves were the only two that existed. They lived in a harmony until a cause, which is unknown even to me, plunged the countries into war. This war continued for many years with neither side giving any ground. Finally, they came up with an idea that would benefit both sides. The plan was to breed together a group of elves with dwarves. It was successful, thus the race of humans was born.
The humans became the merchants and the neutral party. The war continued with the humans left alone. This was until two specific brothers were born- my brother and I. As humans we were exceptional. I was born with more of the qualities of the wise, fair-skinned elves. My brother resembled the dwarves more. Most of this mess was my brother’s fault. Now that I think about it, there were several events that led to the dwarves disliking him. The biggest one was when he strangled a dwarf in a drunken rage.
Also I’m not without my shortcomings either. Most of my life I have studied in the arts of summoning and alchemy. As of lately I have gotten much better, but far from perfect. Somehow I have managed to summon not just creatures but people. These people, much to my dismay, were contorted beast that ran amok. On one of their rampages they tore down part of the eastern elven forest.
(Random POV switch?)Panting heavily I found myself in front of a cave. Quickly, I stole into the cave and nervously slumped to the floor. I tore through the package I had been carrying and held it up. Beams of sunlight glinted on the reflection of the steel axe in my hand. Several seconds after setting it on the ground a cloud of gray smoke covered the area in front of me. When the wind had cleared the smoke, a small man with fiery red hair stood next to me. Letting out a groan he cracked his fingers and stretched.
“Why’d you have to keep me in that form for so long? It’s really cramped in there.” His voice echoed through the cave with a slight Highlandish accent. I cringed as his outrageous voice assaulted my ears.
“Be quite, Aeden. Would you have rather ran all the way here?” He shrugged and sat down.
“No, I guess not. We drew sticks though, and you have longer legs. Why are we here anyway?”
Wordless for a moment, I pushed weakly on a stubborn rock covering the exit. “We’re on the run from the elves and dwarves because the run (Wait, what?) from the elves and dwarves because we know of they’re plan. (This line needs rewriting)They’re planning to sweep into the valley today and annihilate the humans. Now help me move this rock.”
Giving an exasperated sigh Aeden walked over to the boulder. Droplets of sweat ran down from his brow as his muscles bulged and he exerted his strength on the rock (So does this line). With a final yell he heaved the rock up and dropped it out of the way. I patted his shoulder as I peeked through the opening. “Good job. Now come on, we have a mission to fulfill.”
I squinted as the bright sunlight shone into my eyes. Below us, at a steep decline¸ lay the settlement of humans. Also visible to the eye was the eastern forest and the western mountain ranges from where the elves and dwarves would come. Aeden scratched his head as he joined me on the ledge. “So how are we going to get down in time?” A few seconds after this question I had formulated a plan.
To our left a thin but still useable ledge waned (misused word?) down the mountain. That path would be our only way down. When my brother caught my gaze he began to catch on. “Okay, so we could take that path down. We would never make it on time though.” Aeden’s eyes grew wider when he noticed me start to pick up some sticks. “I know what you’re thinking. You’re not going to do any summoning or magic stuff. Don’t you remember what happened in the forest?” I snorted at the minor snub.
“That wasn’t my fault. Besides do you remember how I gave you your love back?” Aeden shifted his gaze uncomfortably.
“Aye, I remember sure enough.”
About a week ago a rockslide destroyed the western wing of a village in the mountains. Aeden’s fiancé was killed in the rockslide. I remember the look of terror on his face when we saw her blonde hair sticking out. Never would I have imagined someone so rough could be so emotional.

Being his brother, I naturally felt bad for him. So using some of her hair I reincarnated her. It actually went perfectly- she was exactly like the other one. So their story was happy since then. Aeden’s only reason for coming was probably because she was in the village below.
Gathering some sticks and stones together I began to chant. “Paro Taurus et via ex silva.” Adding some enthusiasm to the last word I jumped back as the sticks and stones began to morph. The branches stretched out until they hollowed out into a cart. Cracking and snapping the rocks broke apart, forming wheels. Finally, two pieces of bramble sharpened into a horn shape and rose into the air. With a puff and a snort it turned into a bull. Now we had a cart for transportation. Aeden jumped into the cart and pulled on the reins. “Hurry up and get in.”
Usually I would have protested Aeden’s ill manners. However, right now was no time to be picky. Sullenly, I listened to the sound of thunder of the bulls hooves. Fear stuck in my gullet as I looked over the cart at the wending (wending? word use) cliff. If we didn’t die from this, would the dwarves and elves do us in.

We zoomed by what had been a tranquil pond as we neared the bottom. Brambles and weeds had choked out the once flourishing flora. Memories of that pond lay broken and scattered in my mind. So much of my life was there. No one except Aeden knew of my secret hiding place underneath the lone willow next to the pond. I used to spend all of my extra time there studying and meditating. Most of the pond had dried up. Murky shallow water and damp, ugly, muddy shores lay in its place. When this was over, I was going to fix this among other things.
A sharp nudge to my side shook off my nostalgia. Aeden pointed to the gate of the city in front of us and stopped the cart. Jumping out, he kicked it open. I pursued him as he ran towards the center of town. Over the top of the houses you could see the tall temple that lay in the square. That was where we would have to go to save the village.

I realized by the time I reached the fruit stands the Aeden was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, something pulled me down under the stand. A hairy hand clamped over my mouth.
“Shhh it’s me.” The light of a match illuminated Aeden’s face. Momentary relief became panic when he lifted up the tablecloth to peak out. An elf archer was passing by us. Holding my breath I realized he was probably the first of many. I exhaled quickly when he passed into the opposite street.
Getting up I ran quickly towards the temple doors across the street. I motioned for Aeden to follow. Aeden ran as fast as his short legs could carry him. Jumping over a rock his body fell back and hit the ground. An arrow stuck up from his chest. I screamed and saw the archer halfway down the street. Flying off the steps my hands hit the ground, glowing with a circular pattern. A long stream of rocks and dirt rose underneath the fleeing elf.
I raised my hand up and clenched my fist. “Please forgive me.” The rocks drew tighter around him until he was invisible and suffocating. Finally, I released my grip. His body swayed in the air and hit the ground. His body was cold and pale. I turned to Aeden. Touching the arrow I hummed until the arrow splashed onto his body as water. Then I placed both hands over his chest. Once again my hands glowed.
Slowly part of my left hand disappeared. As I stopped I screamed when my arm started hemorrhaging. Placing in my hand over it I tried to clot the blood. When the blood had stopped I wiped off Aeden’s eyes as he started to open them. He smiled as he tried to stand. “I’ll wait here while you go in and finish up.” I smiled back and ran into the temple. I opened the door again and let it close without looking back.
My body was bathed in an array of different colors as I looked up at the stained glass. As much as I would have liked to look at art I had a job to do. I ungracefully ran up three flights of stairs and by the time I reach end of the fourth I was stumbling. New energy flowed as I touched the top stair. I was finally at the right place.
It was a stuffy old tower with not a single object in it except an intricate lever on the wall and a simple chair in the corner. Bits of gravel and rubble lay strewn about from the deteriorating walls. Limping forward, I threw my body weight onto the large oak lever. It wobbled for a moment but then dropped down. I lost my balance and hit the floor in unison with more rock breaking away from the wall. A large section of the wall now revealed numerous gears. As if by magic the gears started clicking and turning.
It almost surprised me that after all this time that the gears still worked. I finally stood up only to be knocked back down by a large tremor that ran across the down. Quickly regaining my composure I ran over to the window. It was working just like it was supposed to. On the farthest edges of the human land mountain-like barricades were rising. Where they finally stopped they formed a barrier around the settlement.

I grinned and slumped into the chair.
“Well looks like you did it.” Startled, I looked up. Aeden had entered the room and was looking far better than me. “Yeah it worked perfectly. Hey Aeden.” He looked up pensively from the floor. “Hmmm, what is it?” I shifted in my seat for a moment. “Please forgive me.” Ching! Aeden’s head lolled to the side then hit the ground. His knees buckled and his body hit the ground. “Why” He moaned. An axe lay embedded in the wall.
I coughed as a cloud of smoke filled the room and someone screamed. “Owwwwwwww!!!! Did you have to let me hit the wall? Aggghhh my head.” Aeden walked over to me holding his head. I grinned at him. “Please forgive me brother.” He groaned and sat down. “Don’t get started with that. So what do we do now?” I kicked the lifeless body over. “We wait for the moment.”
Slowly, a purple slime ran out of the body onto the floor. Finally it pooled together and began to take shape. It piled higher and higher until it was as tall as Aeden. Glowing eyes and mouth grew at top but it lacked a developed body. “So you saw to the real me. You even sacrificed your own arm.” I laughed and scooped up some blood. Tapping my stump of and arm with the blood I regenerated it. “I guess if you call that losing. I didn’t see through you either I knew what you were up to. It’s not that hard to pick out a fake elf. While we hid I made a fake Aeden for you to take the bait. I knew you’d switch bodies and try to stop me.”
It smiled eerily and continued. “Very good but do you know why the elves and dwarves have always been at war? I can claim full credit for that. Because of my existence they have slowly been affected by madness and malice.” I frowned slightly and groped inside my cloak pocket. “I admit I was not aware of that. But please forgive me demon as I must erase you from life. It won’t be too hard in your weakened state.”
It sighed as an invisible force pulled it into the bottle in my hand. “So it ends like this.” Throwing the bottle to the ground, I smashed my glowing hand on it. Removing my hand I admired the new two rings that lay there. “Congratulations brother there're your wedding rings. Just to be safe we better leave the barrier up for a few weeks so the evil can dissipate. Come on let's go.” Touching the dead body I smirked with satisfaction as it morphed into a large bird. Both of us leaped out of the window to land on the bird's back. Howling in delight like little children, we flew around the town.

Several months later—
Picking up a flat pebble I slung it across the stagnant pond water and watched it skip. Satisfied with the numerous skips I stretched and leaned back against the willow tree. I returned to my writing. I looked up once more at the sky. The world would know of this history. Stories of lore would be told for generations and this saga would live on. I caressed worn bark of the old willow. “Please forgive me for not restoring this place sooner.”




Okay..... so this had an interesting plot. However, I felt like your characters were not well developed. Your MC was very Mary Sue-ish. "My brother's dead? Let me heal him. His wife is dead? I'll bring her back to life. Let me single handedly kill this villain, all while being perfectly calm and attractive. However, I'm an amateur."

See what I mean? There's nothing he can't do.

This whole thing was riddled with errors. I honestly couldn't fix them all, there were so may. You need to go back and do some serious editing.

I'll be honest, I had absolutely no idea what was going on at the end. Your writing because so jumbled and error- filled I would discern what anyone was saying or who was talking. The events all morphed together and I had no idea what was going on. You need to rewrite the ending a lot.

This has potential! Work on it!

Cheers,

Tori
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7539
Reviews 374
What you are reading has been written in accordance to the Great War. It has been written so the Ancient History may be kept alive and that all may know. Although I might not be the one to give you this book fear not. For this particular history will live on among many -Eldroc
I'm not sure if this is like the beginning of your chapter of not, since I haven't read any of the other ones, but you might want to make it more clear.

My breathing quickened as I glanced over my shoulder. Fresh bursts of speed were used as I tried to outrun my invisible pursuers. Driven on by the fear of being caught, I gripped a parcel tight to my chest. How ridiculous that I should have to run from them now. To understand my predicament you’d have to go back several centuries to when the feud first started.
Now this as an opening line is supposed to draw me into the story but this sounds like so many other chase scenes I've read before so it really doesn't.

All those years ago before the feud there was two sects.
You used the word feud too close together, use a different word to describe the conflict.
The dwarves and the elves were the only two that existed. They lived in a harmony until a cause, which is unknown even to me, plunged the countries into war. This war continued for many years with neither side giving any ground. Finally, they came up with an idea that would benefit both sides. The plan was to breed together a group of elves with dwarves. It was successful, thus the race of humans was born.
I really like this idea, but the way it was written is kind of off. The highlighted part in particular needs work, that really stuck out to me as odd, so try phrasing it a little differently?

The humans became the merchants and the neutral party. The war continued with the humans left alone.
Okay weren't humans created to stop the war? That was the impression I got, clarify please! :)

This was until two specific brothers were born. These brothers were me and my brother. As humans we were exceptional. For me I was born with more of the qualities of the wise, fair skinned elves. My brother resembled the dwarves more. Most of this mess was my brother’s fault. Now that I think about it there were several events that gave to bad feelings from the dwarves because of him. The biggest one was when he strangled a dwarf in a drunken rage.
Okay first off you do a LOT of telling, so far that's really all it is, and frankly it's kind of making me lose interest. You skip around a lot, and I know this is just the introduction, but slow down a little. Take your time, describe how they are exceptional, how the two brothers differ from each other, stuff like that is pretty important.


Also I’m not without my shortcomings either. Most of my life I have studied in the arts of summoning and alchemy. As of lately I have gotten much better, but far from perfect.
This dude seems kind of Mary Sue-ish so far, especially after this, try giving him a couple of faults. Even everyday ones make him seem more like a person- He's late, he has a short temper, he's too forgiving etc.

Somehow I had managed to summon not just creatures but people. This These people much to my dismay were contorted beasts that ran amok. On one of their rampages they tore down part of the eastern elven forest.
Again slow down!! You skip from telling us about a war and then some brothers and then the brother the wizard and his creation things? And now he's running around after it? That's something that's really important in the story right? Well elaborate on it, please!

Panting heavily I found myself in front of a cave. Quickly, I stole into the cave and nervously slumped to the floor.
Careful about repeating words :).

I tore through the package I had been carrying and held it up. Beams of sunlight glinted on the reflection of the steel axe in my hand.
You failed to mention a package before :P

Wordless for a moment, I pushed weakly on a stubborn rock covering the exit. “We’re on the run from the elves and dwarves because the run from the elves and dwarves because we know of they’re plan. They’re planning to sweep into the valley today and annihilate the humans. Now help me move this rock.”
So wait...Are they now like trapped inside the cave? The cave he just ran into? Are they trying to get out a different way or did the cave opening get blocked somehow?

I squinted as the bright sunlight shone into my eyes. Below us, at a steep decline¸ lay the settlement of humans. Also visible to the eye was the eastern forest and the western mountain ranges from where the elves and dwarves would come from.



That path would be our only way down. When my brother caught my gaze he began to catch on. “Okay so we could take that path down. We would never make it on time though.”
Again repeating words.

Aeden’s eyes grew wider when he noticed me start to pick up some sticks. “I know what you’re thinking. You’re not going to do any summoning or magic stuff. Don’t you remember what happened in the forest?” I snorted at the minor snub. “That wasn’t my fault, besides do you remember how I gave you your love back.” Aeden shifted his gaze uncomfortably. “Aye, I remember sure enough.”
Okay so usually with dialoge you want to seperate it so it's easier to read and easier to understand who's doing the talking. So something like this.
Aeden’s eyes grew wider when he noticed me start to pick up some sticks.

“I know what you’re thinking. You’re not going to do any summoning or magic stuff. Don’t you remember what happened in the forest?”

I snorted at the minor snub. “That wasn’t my fault, besides do you remember how I gave you your love back.”

Aeden shifted his gaze uncomfortably. “Aye, I remember sure enough.”
You can fool around with the formatting a little, this is just a basic idea.


About a week ago a rockslide destroyed the western wing of a village in the mountains. Aeden’s fiancé to be was killed in the rockslide. I remember the look of terror on his face when we saw her blonde hair sticking out. Never would have imagined someone so rough could be so emotional.
So wait...this was only a week ago? Before they way you phrased it made it sound like it was a long time ago. Also her blonde hair sticking out of where? How did he know it was her, was she the only fair haired beauty in the whole village? :P Details are important!And What do you me fiancé to be? It would just be wife to be or fiancé.

Being his brother I naturally felt bad for him.
Cut this part, it's not needed. Anyone would feel bad for a dude who just lost his love in a horrific landslide.

Sullenly, I listened to the sound of thunder of the bulls hooves. Fear stuck in my gullet as I looked over the cart at the wending cliff.
Now I like that you're finally trying to get creative with the description, but you forget things like you know the main character actually getting IN the cart :P and it makes it sound like it left without him.

If we didn’t die from this would the dwarves and elves do us in.


We zoomed by what had been a tranquil pond as we neared the bottom.
Last time I checked ponds can't exist on steep slopes xD

When this was over I was going to fix this among other things.
I thought they were totally going to die? xD Maybe put something like "if we made it out of this war alive." I really liked the way you described the pond, and you should really do that more throughout the story. I really felt the emotion you had in that part, and it was defiantly the best part so far, and I'd like to see more of that!

A sharp nudge to my side shook off my nostalgia. Aeden pointed to the gate of the city in front of us and stopped the cart. Jumping out, he kicked it open.
Mmkay so first off shook I don't think is really the right word, try something like jolted instead. Next look at your sentences here, they're all really short and choppy which makes it awkward to read, especially that last one. And finally, the dwarf/human kicking the gate open. So Dwarf are shown as short, stout, strong people, usually with beards and all that jazz. Now I can see him breaking the gate down with like an ax or something but not really kicking it in, being short and all and the walls and gate I am assuming tall.

That was where we would have to go to save the village.
SHHHHHH!!! Don't give it away! Leth the suspense build!

I realized by the time I reached the fruit stands the Aeden was nowhere to be seen
lol what fruit stands? We have no idea where said fruit stands are situated, therefore that gives us nothing to put a picture in our mids of how far away his brother is. Add some kind of measurement like "By the time I reached the fruit stands in the center of the village, blah blah blah."

Suddenly, something pulled me down under the stand. A hairy hand clamped over my mouth. “Shhh it’s me.” The light of a match illuminated Aeden’s face.
So far from this story I've gotten the stereotypical fantasy story that takes place in like the 14/1500's with that type of technology. Now matches weren't invented back then, and even if they were I'm sure that he would be able to tell his own brother's voice, and plus him lifting the clothe would shed enough light on his face anyway. Also I want you to describe the feelings he has as he's being pulled under the stand. Panicked? Startled? Did it happen so quickly he didn't have time to react? What? These things matter.

Jumping over a rock his body fell back and hit the ground. An arrow stuck up from his chest.
Yeah so if he's jumping forwards and an arrow goes through his back, first off he wouldn't die instantly since it's like a gunshot woulnd, you need to bleed out. Second if he's moving forward, he wouldn't fall back he would fall forward, with the arrow sticking out his back. Aaand one more thing xD if the archer was far away the arrow probably wouldn't have had enough force to go ALL the way through him.

Flying off the steps my hands hit the ground, glowing with a circular pattern. A long stream of rocks and dirt rose underneath the fleeing elf.
Which is glowing, his hands or the ground? Aaand the elf seeing that there's two people wouldn't he get ready to kill them both and not run off? Like I know I'm getting really picky about these things but there's no reason for him to run, since he has a weapon in his hand and an apparently unarmed civilian.

I raised my hand up and clenched my fist. “Please forgive me.” The rocks drew tighter around him until he was invisible and suffocating. Finally, I released my grip.
Watch the choppy sentences, and maybe try describing the magic in a different way like- "The rocks and dust flew around the elf, veiling him, and I knew soon he would run out of air and suffocate."

His body swayed in the air and hit the ground
You just said you couldn't see him.

His body was cold and pale.
Again, I thought you couldn't see him, plus since he's way far down the street, the main guy probably wouldn't be able to tell if he was pale, let alone cold.

I turned to Aeden. Touching the arrow I hummed until the arrow splashed onto his body as water.
Should be
Turning to Aeden, I touched the arrow, humming until it transformed into water, trickling down his sides.

I changed the ending a little bit, but you don't have to do that, just a suggestion.

Then I placed both hands over his chest. once again my hands glowed they began to glow.


Slowly part of my left hand disappeared. As I stopped I screamed when my arm started hemorrhaging. Placing in my hand over it I tried to clot the blood. When the blood had stopped I wiped off Aeden’s eyes as he started to open them.

What. The. Heck. So now his left hand's missing, it started hemorrhaging, and he stops it almost instantly using only his other hand... And isn't worried at all that he now has A STUMP. And you give no explanation WHY his hand melts off or whatever, or if he heals his brother or not.

Limping forward, I threw my body weight onto the large oak lever
. Why is he now limping? He lost his hand, not his foot :P.

It wobbled for a moment but then dropped down. I lost my balance and hit the floor in unison with more rock breaking away from the wall.
"I lost my balance and hit the ground as more rocks fell away from the wall."

A large section of the wall now revealed numerous gears. as if by magic they gears started clicking and turning.


It almost surprised me that after all this time they gears still worked.


I finally stood up only to be knocked back down by a large tremor that ran across the down.
The down?

Ching! Aeden’s head lolled to the side then hit the ground. His knees buckled and his body hit the ground. “Why” He moaned. An axe lay embedded in the wall.
I coughed as a cloud of smoke filled the room and someone screamed. “Owwwwwwww!!!! Did you have to let me hit the wall? Aggghhh my head.” Aeden walked over to me holding his head. I grinned at him. “Please forgive me brother.” He groaned and sat down. “Don’t get started with that. So what do we do now?” I kicked the lifeless body over. “We wait for the moment.”
...I have no idea what just happened. Where the heck did the ax come from? Is that supposed to represent Aeden or something?

Glowing eyes and mouth grew at top but it lacked a developed body. “So you saw to the real me. You even sacrificed your own arm.” I laughed and scooped up some blood. Tapping my stump of and arm with the blood I regenerated it. “I guess if you call that losing. I didn’t see through you either I knew what you were up to. It’s not that hard to pick out a fake elf. While we hid I made a fake Aeden for you to take the bait. I knew you’d switch bodies and try to stop me.”
Again...what??

It sighed as an invisible force pulled it into the bottle in my hand. “So it ends like this.” Throwing the bottle to the ground, I smashed my glowing hand on it.
He got it into the bottle...then he smashed it...wouldn't that like release it?

Removing my hand I admired the new two rings that lay there.
You really need to stoop focusing so much on his freaking hands xD I think you've used that word more than any other one in this story.

“Congratulations brother there’s your wedding rings. Just be safe we better leave the barrier up for a few weeks so the evil can dissipate. Come on lets go.” Touching the dead body I smirked with satisfaction as it morphed into a large bird. Both of us leaped out of the window to land on the bird back. Howling in delight like little children, we flew around the town.
I thought he just killed his brother? o_O

Okay. You have no idea how long it took me to write that whole thing. Overall it needs a lot of editing and work, but I think you might be able to turn it around and make it into something really good. Because I really like the plot, it's just the execution of it that really bothered me. I want details! I want emotion! These things matter so much, and really can make a story so so much better, and this plot has potential to be really fantastic but it just needs those things.

Sorry if I came off as mean xD
Anywho good luck and PM me if you rewrite it and I'll take a look at it okay? Keep writing!

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 8
Thanks for your very lengthy and helpful reviews everyone. Don't worry none of them seemd to mean :)
Yeah I'll probably pm you Hope when I give it a good rewrite.

Thanks again
Riven
Fiction flight is almost here. Check us out on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fiction-Flight/130489243696865
(yea we don't have a website casue we can't think of a publishing name yet.)



Anne felt that life was really not worth living without puffed sleeves.
— L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables