Death Loves the Shadows

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Okay, so. This is my first short story I am posting so far. I kind of forgot about it until I started rumaging through Microsoft Word a little bit. I probably won't ever finish it but I just kinda wanted some critique on some of the stories I just write on a whim before I post anything else. This technically didn't fit in with Romatic Short stories because towards the middle I wanted Ryan Wood to try to kill Lucas. Hence Death Loves the Shadows. Anyway, I am starting to get off topic.

DEATH LOVES THE SHADOWS
CHAPTER 1

Today was the day, I thought. Today was when I was going to ask Liz to go with me to the prom.
It was still snowing in the beginning of March, being in Michigan was always like that. Bundled up from head to toe was all you did from November to the beginning of April. I was in gray everything, gray coat, gray gloves, gray hat and even a gray scarf. Everyone at my school thought that was sort of funny, me wearing a lot of gray and the fact that my name is Lucas Gray.
I was 15 years old, tall, and blonde. I was sort of a bad boy in a way, I guess. Girls flung themselves into my path at school just so I would notice them. I always played it cool, never showing that I secretly loved all the attention. But there was only one girl that never showed any interest in me whatsoever. That was Liz Jacobs. She was the one I only truly liked, I faked it with all those other girls just to make them feel wanted. Every girl wants to feel wanted, right? But I never saw why Liz never even glance in my direction, I thought I was a pretty awesome guy, why didn’t she like me?
My family was always rich, we had a nice house and I already had a Ferrari. You could say I was spoiled rich, which wouldn’t really be a lie but I never saw myself as a conceited person. If my “friends” just liked me for the things that I had, I didn’t really care. They could like me for whatever reason I just wanted to be with them.
Not everyone liked me though, there was always competition between me and the other popular guys for whatever reason. There actually was three particular guys that absolutely hated me. I had once stole one of their girlfriends and since they were all friends they hated me together. Those guys were on the Basketball team, the most loved of them all was those three. Sam Kelly, Jason Moore, and Ryan Wood.
Ryan Wood was the one who’s girlfriend I stole. We got into a fight later that week, I went home with a broken nose and a bruised eye. I got him back good though, when I went back to school I put his clothes in the lost and found while he was taking a shower after gym. No one figured out it was me, and I never did see how he got his clothes back, but I’m sure it was humiliating. The air still isn’t cleared up between us and he’s probably planning something right now. But I wasn’t focused on him at this particular moment. I was focused on how I was going to ask Liz to the prom.
I was walking down the ice paved sidewalk on the way to her house. The snow was glistening against the sun and the icicles on the houses were clear enough to see right through them. Each individual snowflake kept its unique shape on my glove, but then the warmth of my hand would melt them and they would somehow become a part of me. I kind of wanted Liz and me to be that way. Each keeping our own shape until one day we would melt together and become one with each other. Or maybe I was just being over-dramatic.
Her house was bright blue, with white shutters and a brown door. No lights were on, maybe she wasn’t home. But if she was home or not I was going to go up there strong and confident and ring the doorbell. The doorbell was a nice little chime, it made you happy when you heard it. Someone answered the door and I crossed my fingers that it would be Liz. It was.
“Oh, hi Lucas. That is your name right?” she asked her almost violet eyes sparkling.
“Yeah, that’s my name,” I should just turn around right now, she didn’t even know my name.
“Liz I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to go with me to the prom.”
She thought for a moment and looked at me for a long time. My heart was beating fast, too fast. And for a second I thought she was never going to answer.
“Yeah, I’ll go to the prom with you,” she said leaning in her doorway still.
I nodded and smiled. I was franticly searching my mind for something cool to say, instead I chickened out and said something stupid.
“Bye. I guess I’ll see you in school tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow’s Saturday,” she laughed
I wanted to punch myself in the face.
“Right,” I said nodding and walking down the steps “I forgot.”
She smiled at me as I turned to look at her again.
“Well, bye,” Liz said and closed the door.
God, how stupid does she think I am now?
BE YOURSELF. Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Two things are infinite: human stupidity and the universe; and I'm not sure about the universe

Don't tell me that the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon




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This was quite a gripping piece, which had the perfect mixture of description and information :)
I didnt really notice many grammar mistakes or anything,
but i guess i was to busy enjoying the plot :)

This story could go alot of ways,
and i think it is worth carrying on!
To be honest, the name doesnt fit ... at all,
but it is a good name, and maybe you could use it for another piece because it definitely caught my eye :)

overall, a very good pice and you are obviously a talented writer!

-Ava

/Isha:/= To be honest, we are talking about mostly nothing which in its own essence is something. But somethingness can't be nothing if there isn't nothing in the first place. So really, we're talking about meaningly somethingness that's technically caused by nothingness.


The Smiley Spammer




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I liked it. But if this story was based in reality I'd probably be that one girl (or not)...and I'd slam the door in his face. Of course, I'm also a tad bit out-there and, well, rich dudes make me laugh--when I look at 'em...and, well, I'm not that girl. But, culture shock, you could say. And why a dude would ask me out would... That's a good question.

Anyway, it was definitely a good piece, very interesting and it showed just the right amount of information. He seemed pretty modest and likable in general, even if I'd probably avoid him like the plague.

I don't like the thought of girls being needy, though, but it's true enough, I guess. Seems idiotic to me, still. Kinda in the same why guys are always whining about wanted to get with said girls. It's like "The girls are needy and you are snakes--go pair off already!"...

Um, but that doesn't help you any, does it? If it were me, I'd continue it, but add a feisty, little black-haired chick to set him straight or something... I mean, there has to be a butch girl in that school somewhere... Maybe she'd fall all over him then be all disappointed? That would be hilarious.

If you're younger than I'm thinking you are, ignore my previous statements and do not ask what I meant by that.

So, basically stay away from the obvious and keep up the good work? Yeah.
My SPD senses are tingling.




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Well, it was somewhat okay, not very many spelling or grammar mistakes (although that was probably because the whole centered text thing made it hard to find errors). I think you should look at this Lucas character a little more.
He's too perfect.
Blonde hair, rich family, all the girls 'flung themselves into [his] path', yet he's also cool, 'coz he's a 'bad boy'. The story isn't too boring because, surprise, there's a girl he can't get :rolleyes: . Despite him being so perfect, he still does the blurting, the stupid phrases that preteen girls consider heart-melting.
Am I being harsh? Let's continue.
Ryan, Lucas' archenemy, is going to kill Lucas? How does that not 'technically fit in Romantic Short Stories'? It's a clichéd move alright, but no reason to mark this story out of the Romance section.
By all means, continue as you were, you're definitely in the deep end of the Romance quadrant.
Unfortunately, you're also at the deepest end of the clichéd sectors.
I really couldn't give you any advice about getting away from clichés though, every writer falls to them sometime or other, even me!
I'm sorry I couldn't find much good, but, let's face it, there really wasn't much to crow about in this story.
Sorry.
Jenth
-ж-Ж-ж-




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Hey dear, here as requested! I'll go ahead and go through the story and review like that first.


CHAPTER 1

Today was the day, I thought, Today was Omit the inderlined part. when I was going to ask Liz to go with me to the prom.
In this sentence I would take out the period after I though, and then take out the word today and was and add a comma there. Here I'll just fix it.
It was still snowing in the beginning of March, being that in Michigan it was always like that. Bundled up from head to toe was all you did from November to the beginning of April. I was in gray everything, gray coat, gray gloves, gray hat and even a gray scarf. In the sentence before you don't have to keep repeating the word gray. We already know it's gray. Everyone at my school thought that was sort of funny, me wearing a lot of gray and the fact that my name is Lucas Gray.
I was 15 years old, tall, and blonde. I was sort of a bad boy in a way, I guess. Girls flung themselves into my path at school just so I would notice them. I always played it cool, never showing that I secretly loved all the attention. But there was only one girl that never showed any interest in me whatsoever. That was Liz Jacobs. She was the one I only truly liked, I faked it with all those other girls just to make them feel wanted. Every girl wants to feel wanted, right? But I never saw why Liz never even glance in my direction, I thought I was a pretty awesome guy, why didn’t she like me? This seems to be starting off a typical story of boy likes girl he can't have. Try giving the plot a different swing.
My family was always rich, we had a nice house and I already had a Ferrari. You could say I was spoiled rich, which wouldn’t really be a lie but I never saw myself as a conceited person. If my “friends” just liked me for the things that I had, I didn’t really care. They could like me for whatever reason I just wanted to be with them. This sounds a lot like Twilight to me right now. I don't know why, but you are going to have to seperate these two stories by a wide margain, or your going to get complaints about that.
Not everyone liked me though, there was always competition between me and the other popular guys for whatever reason. There actually was three particular guys that absolutely hated me. I had once stole one of their girlfriends and since they were all friends they all hated me together Omit the together.. Those guys were on the Basketball team, the most loved of them all was those three. Sam Kelly, Jason Moore, and Ryan Wood.
Ryan Wood was the one who’s girlfriend I stole. We got into a fight later that week, I went home with a broken nose and a bruised eye. I got him back good though, when I went back to school I put his clothes in the lost and found while he was taking a shower after gym. No one figured out it was me, and I never did see how he got his clothes back, but I’m sure it was humiliating. The air still isn’t cleared up between us and he’s probably planning something right now. But I wasn’t focused on him at this particular moment. I was focused on how I was going to ask Liz to the prom.
I was walking down the ice paved sidewalk on the way to her house. The snow was glistening against the sun and the icicles on the houses were clear enough to see right through them. Each individual snowflake kept its unique shape on my glove, but then the warmth of my hand would melt them and they would somehow become a part of me. I kind of wanted Liz and me to be that way. Each keeping our own shape until one day we would melt together and become one with each other. Or maybe I was just being over-dramatic.
Her house was bright blue, with white shutters and a brown door. No lights were on, maybe she wasn’t home. But whether if Omit this.she was home or not I was going to go up there strong and confident and ring the doorbell. The doorbell was a nice little chime, it made you happy when you heard it. Someone answered the door and I crossed my fingers that it would be Liz. It was.
“Oh, hi Lucas. That is your name right?” she asked her almost violet eyes sparkling.
“Yeah, that’s my name,” I should just turn around right now, she didn’t even know my name.
“Liz I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to go with me to the prom.”
She thought for a moment and looked at me for a long time. My heart was beating fast, too fast. And for a second I thought she was never going to answer.
“Yeah, I’ll go to the prom with you,” she said leaning in her doorway still.
I nodded and smiled. I was franticly searching my mind for something cool to say, instead I chickened out and said something stupid.
“Bye. I guess I’ll see you in school tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow’s Saturday,” she laughed
I wanted to punch myself in the face.
“Right,” I said nodding and walking down the steps “I forgot.”
She smiled at me as I turned to look at her again.
“Well, bye,” Liz said and closed the door.
God, how stupid does she think I am now?[/center][/quote]

I do think you should move this to romantic fiction, no matter the twist, because that is what it is right now. I do like this, but you havn't really gotten that far into the story. I did see a couple of sentences that could be revised to sound better, and I fixed them. I think that it does sound a lot like some story I've read, I just can't place my finger on it. You didn't really put much conflict into this. You didn't really give the girl morals, and she didn't know him and even said yes to go to the prom with him. That is what bothered me, but I don't know. It's your story haha, it just seems unlogical.

Other than that, this is pretty good.

If you need another review feel free to let me know.

-Flow-
Last edited by Flower~Child on Sun Nov 07, 2010 9:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
My reality comes to a close as I once again realize that you don't love me, and even if I love you with my everything you will never care.





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............
Last edited by Rayneisthename on Sun Nov 07, 2010 9:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
BE YOURSELF. Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Two things are infinite: human stupidity and the universe; and I'm not sure about the universe

Don't tell me that the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon




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snailsareslimy
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I almost feel as if he's too perfect, with the Ferrari and all. Maybe play down the richness? Give him a dark secret which will be revealed later? I think that would kinda add some mystery to the story!
I also feel him asking her to the prom is a little rushed. You could write a lot more about it, maybe seeing her around school and wanting to ask her, but chickening out?

Not very helpful I know :P

But I do like the story! I just feel you can make it so much better, as you've got a clear talent in writing :)




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snailsareslimy
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I almost feel as if he's too perfect, with the Ferrari and all. Maybe play down the richness? Give him a dark secret which will be revealed later? I think that would kinda add some mystery to the story!
I also feel him asking her to the prom is a little rushed. You could write a lot more about it, maybe seeing her around school and wanting to ask her, but chickening out?

Not very helpful I know :P

But I do like the story! I just feel you can make it so much better, as you've got a clear talent in writing :)




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Points 1519
Reviews 47
Thank you snailsareslimy! Thanks for the advice:)
BE YOURSELF. Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Two things are infinite: human stupidity and the universe; and I'm not sure about the universe

Don't tell me that the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon



As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda