A poem on the general stupidness of the human race.

Spoiler

This poetry is really different for me. I usually write happy-naturey poetry. So please review! Also do I need a better ending? And for the title? Please don't just tell but suggest! THANKS!

Ebony skin
In ivory halls.
White dusty faces.
Hope aganist all odds.
Sweet, sweet surrender,
in bloody walls.
Fight for freedom,
or nothing at all.
Yellow stars,
in scarlet fire.
Last breathe's taken,
in evils desire.
Native's chased from their own land
at greedy man's dripping hand.

So nerveous!

I really liked this poem, it was really tragic and strong at the same time. My only issue is, to me it doesn't sound like... A human race poem exactly... I thought it sounded like a war poem, with all the stars and fighting for freedom and all. I call those types of war poems "War Made", in a vice versa of "War Torn," because it's degrading the fighting instead of justifying it like America usually does. Perhaps you could add more 'people' verses, alongside the 'picture' verses. This might add more of a human grasp on things. I'm not an exact expert on these poems,

Ok. Well usually I would give an all out review and discuss every stanza, but you don't really have many errors. I realy truly enjoyed this. Like Wayward said above though, this does sound like a war poem. I think it would be more understandable if you changed it to be so as well. It's totally up to you though.

The only line in the poem that I wanted to comment on was the very last line. It doesn't really fit in with the rest. It also isn't a very strong ending. There are so many possibilities that this could be easily changed.

As for a title, I would suggest something more leaning towards war. It would go nicely with the poem, and it would tie everything together.

I hope I helped, let me know if you need anything.

-Flower-

Iiscraftywriter wrote:Ebony skin
In ivory halls. What is the point for these first two lines? You give some sort of building and then you drop it.
White dusty faces. What is this point if this line? How does it connect to what is above or below? Do you really need this line? I don't think so.
Hope aganist all odds.
Sweet, sweet surrender, You just had hope and now you're loving surrender, why? What happened? Tell us.
in bloody walls. How do you surrender in bloody walls? Unless we're mice? But you have not made that connection or any other hints so far to this metaphor. So we can't know for sure.
Fight for freedom,
or nothing at all. That's a bit random. This and the above line, you might want to take them out or replace them with lines that make sense. And add to what you're saying.
Yellow stars,
in scarlet fire. This too is random.
Last breathe's taken,
in evils desire.
Native's chased from their own land This and the line below are the only two lines that I'd tell you to keep in this poem, there's the only example and connection to what happens in the real world that we can relate to. And get an idea what you're saying is so stupid about he human race.
at greedy man's dripping hand.

So nerveous!

Okayyyy. So over all:
It's like you had a dart board, with lines from three differnet poems on it. Then you threw darts at it to make up this poem. Not good. You have no over all direction / idea that you seem to be trying to convey. Since you gave almost no examples to how the human race is stupid. And you've pretty much described nothing.

You want this to be about the human race and it's stupidity. So show that, what have we done to be stupid, back yourself up.
Poetry can be like an essay, all of these needs to support your main idea. And if this were an essay, I'd fail you.

How does menioning the halls and walls show we're stupid? How does mentioning the stars show that we're stupid?

And then you need to actually describe things. Let me know when you've cleaned this up.
Good luck, keep writng.
PM me with any concerns, or ways to improve my reviewing.
Silented1.

Ebony skin
In ivory halls.
White dusty faces.
Hope aganistagainst all odds.
Sweet, sweet surrender,
in bloody walls.
Fight for freedom,
or nothing at all.
Yellow stars,
in scarlet fire.
Last breathe's breath'staken,
in evil's or in 'evil desire' desire.
Native's No comma necessary chased from their own land
at greedy man's dripping hand. at a greedy man's dripping hand, or at greedy men's dripping hands

So nerveous nervous. Sorry, I'm a bit of a grammar freak.

Anyway, I think your poem is supposed to be about slavery? But the only lines that show this are:

Ebony skin

Fight for freedom,
or nothing at all.

Natives chased from their own land
at greedy man's dripping hand

It's still not very clear though. Maybe you could go over this, and while correcting your mistakes, make things a little clearer. But aside from that, it's clear that there is a strong emotion of pain in this poem, and well done for that. Great job, and KEEP WRITING!

TIGERSPRITE

hey..
do you hate humans?
i hate them....
i agree with your work....
great job

Hi there.

The flow and structure of this is close to flawless. I love how short the sentences are yet how perfectly it flows together.

I also like the themes in this poem. The fact that you didn’t shy away from the more angst filled details about your thoughts on the human race.

So fantastic.

this is a great poem! I agree that there are people that try to make other people mad because it seems to be "fun" so this poem speaks the truth

This sounds like something I would write, hahahahahahahah...

Just kidding.

Ebony skin
In ivory halls.
White dusty faces.
Hope aganist all odds.
Sweet, sweet surrender, Why'd you just change the form here? Kind of threw me off. But it's better than the sentences that aren't sentences at the beginning.
in bloody walls.
Fight for freedom,
or nothing at all.
Yellow stars,
in scarlet fire.
Last breathe's taken,
in evil(possessive)s desire.
Native's chased from their own land
at greedy man's dripping hand.

I love the simple, straitfoward approach, you feel something, and you lay it out.

But this can definitely be long and deeper. The thing about this structure is you do limit things about your poem.

Great Idea, just go with it.

That was really, really, deep. I liked it a lot. (: