A fishing ghost

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This is really just the beginning of something, please could I have some critique, or even some ideas of how it could develop? Anything you feel is relevant.

The first time I ever met Monica, she was knee-deep in water. She stood in the river next to the old bridge, and stared at me, caught out, a long sharpened branch in her hand. A large silver fish was floundering at the end of the branch, its blood falling slowly and thickly into the water, and its tail hopelessly beating the air like a wing. Around Monica’s neck hung a pair of worn out boots, tied together by the laces, and in her left hand, in a generous lacy bundle she carefully held up the long skirts of her cream dress. She didn’t move. She looked at the fish, at me, she looked at me, and she threw up her arms,
“Well what do you expect me to do, start frequenting the fishmonger’s? Don’t think that just because I’m dead I don’t get hungry”
What was I supposed to do? I stared. Her hair was a yellow shade of straw, matted into a bird’s nest on the top, and garnished with small twigs and bits of mud. As a child of twelve, I held a vivid and inaccurate idea of what a dead body would look like (although of course I had never seen one), despite the appalling smell, Monica certainly did not meet my precocious expectations.
“Liar!” I yelled down at Monica from the top of the bridge,
“You’re a liar! You’re dirty and you’ve got filth in your hair, and you don’t scare me!”
I ran home to an angry mother, cross-armed in the doorway, who gave me a sharp blow about the head and more than an earful of rebukes. A group of neighbour had visited the house to inform her that they had all watched me stand on the bridge, in broad daylight, and shout obscenities into thin air. She grabbed me by the crook of my arm, and pulled me into the house.
“I don’t know what you think you’re playing at but if you don’t start acting your age soon people will think there’s something wrong with you,” she hissed,
“For God’s sake grow up!”




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Hello there. :)

This story was really short. I don't get what the plot line is... Maybe add some details and more events? I don't know, it's just an idea. I have to say it was beautifully written and I didn't find any mistakes, so good job for that. I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Thank you for that, it's actually just the beginning of a chapter of a story I'm writing, it's not remotely complete... I just wanted to see what people had to say or suggest about my style, to see if there were any shortfalls I could work on. The plot of the whole story is to do with a woman who can see and even have relationships with ghosts, but it's fairly complicated! The first ghost she really talks to as a child is this character Monica, a crazy woman who lives under a bridge in her town. Is that a completely insane story line?
I wasn't born to mourn, but I mourn the day
I stand here alone:
Fighting my heart for dreams, my mind for hope




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I liked this a lot, but I can't really say where to go with it. My only critique is that fish don't actively 'bleed'. (Yes, this is mostly me being a prick, but I guess I'm just having an OCD moment. Fish, unless you're gutting them, don't really bleed out, and they keep wiggling even after their stabbed for like, seven minutes!) But this sounds like an AWESOME way to start a novel, cannot wait until the next chapter! :)
Latina est TUMOROSUS senes ita sortem.




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Hi, thanks for your reply, and OCD moment. You're totally right about fish, they do actually bleed, but not in the same way an animal or person will bleed quickly. I tried to explain this by saying the blood is thick and slow, but if you can think of a better description of fish blood I'd be glad of it! The fish has been kind of speared with a stick, so to be honest I don't have a massive amount of experience with fish spearing... I imagine it is different to hooking them. I'm not completely sure it was just an idea

Sorry to any vegetarians who are reading this, I know it is totally gross.
I wasn't born to mourn, but I mourn the day
I stand here alone:
Fighting my heart for dreams, my mind for hope




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Gender Female
Points 1360
Reviews 50
This definitely has potential. Like, a lot of potential. Just a few fixes you might want to think about:

The first time I ever met Monica, she was knee-deep in water. This is a very cliche beginning. Maybe you want to try, 'The first time I ever came across Monica (insert last name), she was knee-deep in water.'

Also, you say,

A group of neighbour had visited the house to inform her that they had all watched me stand on the bridge, in broad daylight, and shout obscenities into thin air. I think you mean 'group of neighbors'. But I could be wrong.

Aside from those, this was pretty. There is definitely potential going on here!
Colossal Compendium of Complications and Confusion = MY LIFE




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Thanks, yeah I did mean neighbours, I forgot the plural. I like the first line simple though x
I wasn't born to mourn, but I mourn the day
I stand here alone:
Fighting my heart for dreams, my mind for hope



today we are possible.
— Lucille Clifton