Forgotten Homelands *Edited*

Africa was in her eyes
sang chants of home in her heart,
even though the days of deserts and dusts
had been gone from her feet for many cracked summers.

Her skin yearned for weathering, for hours
under a brutal master of cancerous heat,
for rougher roads and shoeless callouses
pounding on unpaved paths.
Her ears cried for the pulse of hands on leather,
the dance of drums and the whisper of painted faces.
Only noises of the earth could comfort.

And yet, her skin touched no paint, but rather the too-soft caresses of
chemical clothes, and felt not the
warmth of clear copper skies,
but the hands of polluted streams
spouted through the air through mechanical jungle cats.

Her voice, clear and deep and beautiful,
like an alto sun bursting through a mesa,
no longer sung, but flatly stated proposals for a company,
in a chemical suit and a building of plastic.
Her heart, yearning for a home of old,
knew not that home anymore,
but an unhappy one, with orders and frowns,
one of clock-in and clock-out, and ticking minute hands.

And home was only
dark rooms with bills to pay,
with Lifetime movies and greasy delivery.
Her tongue tasted of nothing
but flavorless words and bland foods.

There was nothing but unsatisfied smiles forced
and forgotten homelands, desperately wanting to be remembered.

Hello!!
Rain here!!
So, I liked this poem, I liked the idea of it, and the way you brought it across was good. But it lacked flow. A lot of the lines were awkward to read. But worry not, that can be fixed!

So, here is my review!!

Red- Grammer mistakes
Blue- Things I think you should change to make the poem better, in my opinion, or from my expereance.
Pink/purple- Things I really like
Green- Aditional comments

Africa was in her eyes You could change this to "is." I think that would sound good.I really like this as a starting line.
sang chants of home in her heart, With this, I would either move it to before "in" of just get rid of it
even though the days of deserts and dusts << Here I think the "s" is unneeded. Not sure if you want to remove it or not.
had been gone from her feet for many cracked summers. << I think this would be better as a new line. The poem would flow a lot better in my opinion.

This is a good start. I like the way the images of her home land are incorperated into her being.

Only noises of the earth could comfort her. << I think this word should be added. To make the line more spesific.

I like all the lines in the second stanza, very well written. All the descripsions are good.


I like the next stanza, but the way you have it organized makes it hard to read. I will show you how I think this could be structured to flow better, and be easier to read.

And yet, her skin touched no paint, << I think you should switch "her skin" and "no paint" I think that would make this line easier to read and make it sound better.
but rather the too-soft caresses
of chemical clothes,
and felt not the warmth of clear copper skies, << I think that this would sound a lot better if you changed "and" to her.
but the hands of polluted streams
spouted through the air through mechanical jungle cats. << Maybe concider changing this to "by"

Another good stanza, good images. I think that making the lines like I did above will make the stanza flow a lot better.

Her voice, clear and deep and beautiful,
like an alto sun bursting through a mesa,
no longer sung, but flatly stated proposals for a company,
in a chemical suit and a building of plastic. << I love these lines
Her heart, yearning for a home of old, <<This line is kinda awkward I think it might be better to say something line "the old home" or "her old home"
knew not that home anymore,
but an unhappy one, with orders and frowns,
one of clock-in and clock-out, and ticking minute hands. << I think this would sound better as "clocking-in and clocking-out" just my opinion.

Other then that this is a great stanza.

And home was only << Here I would change this to "Now" starting a stanza with "and: really doesn't work to good a lot of times.
dark rooms with bills to pay,
with Lifetime movies and greasy delivery.
Her tongue tasted of nothing
but flavorless words and bland foods. Love this, I think switching the too phrases would be good though, ending with "and flavorless word". To me, it sounds better.

There was nothing but unsatisfied smiles forced
and forgotten homelands, desperately wanting to be remembered

So, this I would change to

Now there isnothing
but unsatisfied forced smiles
and forgotten homelands,
desperately wanting to be remembered

Great ending.

So, overall, I think this is a really good poem. If there were any errors in grammar or spelling I didn't catch them.
You just have to remember that flow is really important in poetry. The better the flow, the better the poem reads, the better the poem can be. I good poem and be great simply by making it flow.

Hope I helped,

~Rain~

This is a great poem. The reader can truly see the dichotomy of this woman's home land of basics, to the new world's artificial life, and how the basics are so much better. The narrator focuses on the home land and how it's so positive, while barely mentioning any negatives about the new world. Most of the time that doesn't work out too well, but it works well here.

But I do agree with Silent on the flow. I felt like the lines were either cut in strange places, or there needed to be a reordering of the words. I think she summed made some great corrections, but you still should make sure that you read through after making those corrections and see how it reads. I wish I could be more accurate on this one, but it's hard to point to a particular line or group of lines that interrupt the flow; it's just the entire poem.

I like the grammar of the poem. It's setup like an old slave song with the archaic sentence structures. It really gives it a sincerity that would have been missed by using modern grammar. I would have liked to have seen that used a bit more often throughout the poem, but it still has that feeling even when used sparingly.

Overall, you have crafted a beautiful poem that, outside a few flow-flaws, is great. Just play around a bit with the line breaks and the word choice and you'll have a perfect poem.

Hi I enjoyed reading this poem. You are really good at describing images and capturing the moment with the use of good vocabulary.

I love the way you started the poem:

Africa was in her eyes
sang chants of home in her heart,
even though the days of deserts and dusts
had been gone from her feet for many cracked summers.

Really nice description.

Overall I really like the poem I just think you should improve on the flow, as someone said previously you tend to cut the poem in parts that make the poem fragmented.
Kepp it up