Removed

Removed

Rachael,

Well, not nitpicks, congrats! I really don't have much to say here. You've introduced a new character and she seems sweet but nothing much happened in this chapter.

I'm going to address the fact that you actually took us down every leap, skip, jump and tunnel Sheukki went through and ask if that was absolutely necessary. I'm not going to make a big deal out of it though, because this may be the only time and it's nice to see how her mind works, how her feet work. But I would find it tedious to read every time. I mean, we don't know that world so knowing she jumped this or that means nothing to us.

That being said, you story is advancing nicely and I can't wait to read where she is going to run to next. Nice work, nicely done and I've joined your Knots page

Tanya

Hey,

This first scene, I’m not sure I entirely like it. “the only newborn baby” – that threw me off, confused me, made me shrug my shoulders and move on.

All thoughts about the injured bird left her, and she grinned – very nice presentation of priorities 

(later on…) The bird, though, had been bleeding. – this is very cool, and I loved it, but she’s focusing on something she had not focused on before (being more concerned with the message). And this is what I missed in the bird description – a lot of words, but in the end, very little to actually justify a later reference back to this section. It all just kind of fluttered through my fingers.

and smeared salves all over on the poor thing.” – ‘all over the poor thing’ just doesn’t fit into the rest, kind of; and this part of the sentence itself is so generally unspecific and, well, general, as nothing in the rest of the text. No blood had been mentioned in that beginning…


The seaweed tossed the piece of paper at her – then reads the name; toss doesn’t necessarily equate catching it. Whenever someone throws something at me, it usually lands on the floor. Also, note? Little slip of paper, right? Flutters about when in air. (this toss business is too simplified).

all on the way back, for this name – I’m guessing it being the princess; but I don’t think that’s clear enough (made me pause in reading, think on it). (yeah yeah, ltitle nitpick)


Excitement unrelated to racing or even running set up a fire under her feet, but even so, as she flew over the paths in the gardens, guiding herself not with her sight so much as the feel of the earth beneath her bare toes, she noted her surroundings, as all good runners for the emperor did. – aah! Monstrosity!

Smirking, and running faster – and here the smirk’s justified by the previous paragraph and jealousy of others :p and maybe I’ll finally learn to spell that word.

Sheukki might have nodded back at her – first guard I’m seeing, which is odd (emperor thing had been covered, yeah). Also “she”. Gender equality? It’s so – goody-good.

her heart sank. – yes! So maybe here, or somewhere else, it could fast vs slow pace of life could be explored (and this is a point I wanted to cover, but I forgot what I wanted to say today, that is the next day…). But it’s an idea.

Breathing hard, - this is what I’ve been missing. She’s running here, there, fast and then faster; any bodily symptoms of this? I think it deserved more than those two words (like a sprinkle here, there).

The thought made her quiver with excitement. – three times a an emotion was spelled out, always it’s this. Accurate, sure, but! Then… Her excitement sank. (kind of remember ‘heart sank, too’ – Not terribly exciting for me the reader.
Excitement unrelated to racing or even running

Then she paused – don’t think that’s the best word. Pause is more like stopping between actions (so, she could pause, then could knock again because that’s her nature; couldn’t stop herself). Could pause and listen in or press her ear to the door for footsteps. Or just freeze. Do nothing.

She bit her lip again to keep from giggling. – and I smiled, too.

Sheukki gave the note to her, not risking a blink. – not risking a blink?

since the princess usually ran every message for herself. – ha! And again, my princess, not your princess. I’m starting to enjoy the contradictions =) But still, I’d thinks some sort of elaboration (justification) would be needed. For question blundering about. Terribly informal court! Hope this aspect is explored later on. (when, whennn do I get to meet a non-nice person?! And pigeon guy doesn’t count; he was nice.)

The princess had arrived late last night to the last celebration of Midsummer. Sheukki had watched from behind bushes and trees as all of the guests had come in and out of the palace, and the princess had been one of the last to arrive. “Repairs,” the princess had said—and Sheukki, on her way to deliver a rose to some merchant’s lady, had overheard—“forced late departure from the islands.” – does this add anything to the scene apart from maybe justifying that she might nto be awake? But really, she might not be awake, period. It’s early.

Sheukki being in the bushes is too much leaning on lack, relying on c… the world. What’s the word. Not chance, but let’s say chance. It’s forced. And it’s this big grand event squeezed into a little paragraph that seems out of place and not needed. Maybe the info’s needed for later on, fine, but then slip it in downward, somehow. This is just a big boulder I had to climb across to get back on the pathway.

Sheukki tried to figure out what it might mean, but the note was apparently short. – correlation between these two?

Now she only had half a story to tell to the other runners. – awwww. And the whole paragraph – I loved it. And finally her body does something!

“Sheukki. Like—”

“The sailor.” – I’m telling you, again, that I love how you slip details in.

The princess crouched down so their eyes were level. – reliving the moment… And yeah, I think her age should be more more not more mentioned, not stated, but even more hinted at, if that makes any sense. My guess which proved close was just that – a guess. Maybe in how people treat her, more? Dunno.

her own grubby feet – she’s barefoot? That’s new. Wait. Grubby feet in sandals? See? Personal referral needed to MC.

“Highness?” Sheukki called in, lightly as she dared. – yeah, yeah, edits but this sounds weird.

There, dressed in nightclothes, - that’s terrible vague. What do the nightclothes of the princess of Meuku look like? I understand it’s Sheukki’s POV, and that Sheukki focuses more on stuff like tiles than clothes; but still. I lack something to hold on to. And, another reason for this to be more specified – another part of world-building, right? Clothing style. Don’t cross it off! I mean, is she pretty?..

So description referring to person – practically non-existent. Look: the princess, the princess, the princess, the servant laughed, the servant laughed. Princess smiles (does this). Yes, I’m thankful for nightclothes and then change of clothes and then black boots, btu that’s not enough!

Out of this scene, in which a big part plays the princess, we know what she does. And this is a well-written, nicely paced scene that just begs to be read and reads quickly; but afterward, would I have pointed her out? I don’t know what she looks like. Where she comes back dressed differently (the trousers etc., maybe e.g. add hair insert color twisted, pulled back). Little details like that would add another dimension. Sneakily done, it’s a cultural sponge/world building thing, too. Voice color isn’t, but it’s a nice little detail – and Sheukki could like that voice very much, or something like that.

A sentence to the servant’s appearance would do harm, either (She smoothed the parchment out against her thigh and began to read – she’s a servant, right, so dressed differently, more poorly – or not? Something, anything since she’s there). Or just anything to make her less anonymous. Fleshed out background character  So, maybe the laughing part (dunno… chin wobbles when she laughed? Sthign like that. Little but making a character). Looks down at her later (disapproving? Friendly? Show with how her face would change to show something).

I mean, I’d leave guard (can’t get over fact she’s female) as is; the dogs too; but the background characters which actually get some spotlight and do sutff (even if it’s only laughing/reading) – more distinctive? This would work.
‘cause, you know, Sheukki’s so terribly – yeah, excited – to deliver a message to the princess; wouldn’t she be the least bit awed in her presence and give in and just stare for a moment? Just one of the more obvious ideas, but also reason why maybe there should be what I’m calling for.

Hmm ending referral to character: and then looked up in shock. – could be: eyes widened in shock (aaaand yes, she could look up if she needs to).

Last sentence – wrapped up very nicely.
Ha and yeah, throughout all this I kind of ignored the plot aspect of the novel, didn’t I? Well, that I liked to – things are actually happening, messages sent and reactions to them, all this through Sheukki’s eyes, and it’s, well, subtle. Events don’t force themselves on reader, just happen… And I love that  Very, very interested in what was in that message.

Esme

I'm late to review this, so my apologies. I won't point out typos per the request, so I'll just focus on the nitpicking.

She just stared at the twitching blob just outside the glass.

There's some repetitiveness here. I advise that you either exchange the first just for only, or get rid of the second just.

“No,” a new voice said, and the door opened wider. There, dressed in nightclothes, was the princess of Meuku herself. She looked much more awake than her servant did.

“Note,” Sheukki repeated. She bit her lip again to keep from giggling.

The princess smiled and stepped into the doorway a bit to hold out her hand.

Sheukki gave the note to her, not risking a blink.

This seems a bit...odd. What I mean is that the neither the servant nor Sheukki showed any respect for the princess. I would have expected some bowing, and I also find it strange that Sheukki stared right at her; she didn't avert her eyes in respect or anything. The whole scene seems rather informal, which is strange considering that, well, she's meeting a princess and all.

And soon after, the princess mentions that she'd run the letter herself. Very strange, seeing as you said runners rarely saw her. If she was running when they were, wouldn't they see her? And again, it's a very informal thing to do. It seems you're going for a sort-of renegade princess, in which she is not the damsel in distress but an independent character of her own. Hmm. That's a good idea. But getting back on track: why did she say she would run the letter herself, and then give it to Sheukki? I know she may have felt sorry for her, but the princess seems like someone who loves running and the letter seemed very personal, so I would have thought she'd do it herself but make Sheukki a next-time promise. Then again, that may be just my perception.

So all in all, I like this chapter. Of course. Sheukki seems to be a main character now, although I still wonder how she would be, seeing as she's only a runner within a small city. I guess I'll see. You've shown us the personality she has which any good runner/ messenger should: a loving for running and delivering messages, determination, and a bubbly, happy personality too. (Ah, if only the same were true for British mailmen.) Some more advice I might give is to describe things a little more, like how did the princess look like, what was her room like, how did the seaweed's place smell (it was full of pigeons...and their dung...) and general things like that. Great job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger