A Bitter Beauty

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She was a beauty,
a majestic creature
who was vain and proud.
She knew not her place in the world,
but created it.
She allowed none to define her.

A smirk took the place of a smile,
though a smile on her lusty lips
would have been a sight the gods would
have worked on for a century.
Cruelty lay in each invisible
pore in her skin.

But now she was old,
a decrepit museum of how false beauty
truly aged,
despite the surgeries and slaps of chemicals
across wrinkled skin.
The make-ups and oils had long
cracked and fallen from her face, and now
she was a mess of pockmarks and wrinkles.
Her sadistic driven sneers,
aimed at those foolish enough
to try for her love,
had caught up after all
and folded her face in a manner
that cried out "meanness".

Her beauty was gone
and she was alone,
sitting bitter in her memories,
stewing and nostalgic for pride.
Because, despite the way
she talked and sneered at those who tried to comfort her,
she knew that what she once had was gone,
and she spent much more time
stroking pictures that captured her youth
with a melancholy never before shared with another soul
than looking in the mirror.

She wished only that she had someone to love,
who could tell her that she was beautiful,
whether he meant her face or her heart.
which was bitter, only towards herself.
Pictures smashed against the wall,
and a once proud woman cursed the pride
that led to such a lonely life.




Really rough piece, but I have to wait a couple of days to really be objective.
Also, the last three lines were spur-of-the-moment add-ons.
Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading! c:
Last edited by Button on Thu Nov 04, 2010 8:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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I just love all your stuff. You freaking rock at writing. Heck yeah! I love this poem. Very nice and flowweey and just like wow(:




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Hey, Persy!

So, I'm very glad that you got over your "I'm not a poet" idea, because this is on its way to becoming fantastic. I'm going to give you a quick synopsis of what I think, but if you'd like one of my shreds, then feel free to PM me for one!

Just as before, I'm very appreciative of your use of consistent grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. Anyone who has received a review from me should know that I'm a stickler for it! But you don't have a problem, so it's good.

My biggest ordeal with this entire piece--mind you there aren't many at all--is that the last stanza feels a bit neglected to me. You have this golden image of pictures slammed against the wall, but nothing more than that. I'm a huge fan of imagery, and would be impressed if you could satisfy my craving.

A large bit of advice that I'll give is this: I want to challenge you to make this more of a concrete story as opposed to such a passive overview of her life. As it stands right now, we have a summary of the decline of her beauty because of pride and all that jazz, but I'd love to read a story in this--it is, after all, narrative poetry!

Like I said, PM me if you have any questions or want more.

-Lumiface
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon


I am the property of Rydia, please return me to her ship.




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Hey, AllyGrLxOx here!
I don't know much about poetry, well practically anything at all! xP

So this review will merely be a compliment of your poetry writing skills!

This was awesome, it truly just made me think about how true that can be for some people as soon as they get old.
I utterly loved it!

As for things to change...hmm there's probably always something that could be edited. However I'm not someone who can comment in regards to that type of reviewing when it comes to poetry!

You've got me hooked on your writing! :)
HEY YOU!
Yeah you! :D

You should check out my latest novel "Part of the Night!"
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/novel.php?id=877
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Why haven't you clicked on the link yet!




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Hey!
I love you poem .It is great ,but what I like the most is the end .It talks about a deep regret . some times even the beauty can't have a meaning with no one in your life . I love the idea . You do have what it takes to be a great writer one day .
I wish you the best luck




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I love the theme of your poem and your great use of imagery! One of my favourite phrases is "a decrepit museum of how false beauty/truly aged" - there's a lot of truth ringing it that.

In general it's a really good poem, but I also agree with Lumi on this... the ending could use a bit of revision. If you elaborated on the last 3 lines (maybe turn them into a new stanza?) you could create an even greater impact.

Keep up the amazing work! :D




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Truly awesome poem. The part about cruelty in her pores really snagged me, and the line about the picture smashing into the wall. hat line came up so suddenly, it felt like. I love how she went from stroking it to throwing it. These are the kinds f poems you think about even after they've been read- wonderful job, wouldn't change a thing!
I can take criticism! The more help you can give someone, the better.




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Wow! First off, this theme is one that I have been obsessing over forever! I recently did a short character piece on 'the carcass of youth' that I might get around to posting one of these days! So yes, right off the bat I am liking this!

Persephoneia wrote:She was a beauty,
a majestic creature
who was vain and proud.
She knew not her place in the world,
but created it. Alright, you got me so far, but I'm not quite sure about the next line. She didn't allow any place to define her? What does this really mean?
She allowed none to define her.

A smirk took the place of a smile,
though a smile on her lusty lips
would have been a sight the gods would
have worked on for a century. Hmm...scratch this line and the word "would" from the last phrase, and instead say a sight for the gods, or something like this...otherwise it drags on too long (readers like me with short attention spans!)
Cruelty lay in each invisible
pore in her skin.

But now she was old,
a decrepit museum of how false beautylovely! props to you for use of museum!
truly aged,
despite the surgeries and slaps of chemicals
across wrinkled skin.
The make-ups and oils had long
cracked and fallen from her face, and now
she was a mess of pockmarks and wrinkles.
Her sadistic driven sneers,
aimed at those foolish enough
to try for her love,
had caught up after all
and folded her face in a manner
that cried out "meanness". eeks! LOVE this part, except the word "meanness," which i dislike tremendously! Sorry to be a nitpicker, but there is a plethora of better words!!!

Her beauty was gonehad vanished? disintegrated into the broken hearts she had left behind?? (yes, im aware that this is the inner literary geek inside me)
and she was alone,
sitting bitter in her memories,
stewing and nostalgic for pride.
Because, despite the way
she talked and sneered at those who tried to comfort her,
she knew that what she once had was gone,
and she spent much more time
stroking pictures that captured her youth
with a melancholy never before shared with another soul
than looking in the mirror. i'm not a big fan of this paragraph....partially because it restates, rather than synthesizes

She wished only that she had someone to love,
who could tell her that she was beautiful,
whether he meant her face or her heart.boring words, nice message. captivate!
which was bitter, only towards herself.
Pictures smashed against the wall,
and a once proud woman cursed the pride
that led to such a lonely life. harumph. you could end on such a better note! Such a wondrous topic, and it sorta falls un peut flat!




Really rough piece, but I have to wait a couple of days to really be objective.
Also, the last three lines were spur-of-the-moment add-ons.
Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading! c:
“Maybe it’s fate that Hound ate the map. Maybe we’ll discover soemthing wonderful while we’re lost.”-The Penderwicks




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You made a bitter beauty truly beautiful. Amazing. I also don't know much about poetry but I loved it. I especially loved the line "a decrepit museum of how false beauty truly aged". You are very talented with words. I loved it.



You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer