Who Would Dare?

I have taken off my mask like they said I should
Now people, seeing me for me. See what I see:
Ugly.

The scarred indentions from,
past good intentions gone wrong.
The sallow skin of someone in favor
will never slough off, will never be savored.

My hair long, knotted at my neck
is collecting after-thoughts with my sweat.
The people once who held my hand
are rioting with mirth in the stands.

But wait- who could that be,
standing so close to bare-faced me?
Who would dare stay at my side
while people's jokes are cruel, and remarks snide?

There, slouching in the rain
face contorting in quiet pain.
Who would watch from the uncovered section?
Oh.. that is.... that is my reflection.

Hello KatTrain,

My name is Le Dernier Espoir and I'm happy to give you a review today.

I hate that our first meeting will end sadly, but nevertheless I'm sure you expect honesty and professionality. I will do my best to give you each of these.

On the good spectrum, I'd say that this poem's idea had a lot of potential. Your use of words was very nice and I half expected a forced rhyme, but I didn't see one so bravo!

On the bad spectrum though, I'm afraid we have a few issues.

First off, let me say that I barely got the message or hint of the actuality of the poem. Meaning, I haven't an earthly idea of what has gone on.

I thought that perhaps it was someone dancing with a metaphorical mask, if you will, and perhaps losing her/his dignity once again. She or he sees only failure in what they've done, and so they have been emotionally comprimised.

Then, people begin to laugh at the person for the mistake I guess.

However, the end part is quite weird. It seems as though there is a mirror around the dancer and she or he is troubled by it. Then, you mentioned some odd wording and such which confused me about what happens - only to find out the person is hurt by their reflection.

You can't really summarize what has gone at all, other than someone is being made fun of something or other. And then throw in a mirror for outlandish effect. Confusing really, so next time just convey the poem a little easier and not use 'iffy' wording. It's easier on the reviewer and readers.

Now some grammar:

-- First Stanza: "I have taken off my mask like people said I should(.)" Perhaps this wording on the next part, "Now people see me for me. They see what I see: Ugly."

-- Second Stanza: The first part or sentence is a fragmented phrase. I suggest rephrasing it. Rest is fine.

-- Third Stanza: "My hair, long and knotted at my neck, is collecting after thoughts with my sweat." This part was wordy, but this is what I could come up with.

-- Fourth Stanza: "But wait, who could that be standing at barefaced me?" The rest is fine once again.

-- Fifth Stanza: This last part has a lot of trouble. I don't know how to fix it without changing your idea behind the poem. So, I shall leave that up to you.

Overall, it was ok. Again, I saw most of what you had in mind. Just next time, try not to be too word like you have in this poem and make sure to read it back to yourself before posting. Maybe that will help, along with placing it in Word to check further mistakes. Very Good Tip!

Thanks for posting,

*Le Dernier Espoir