This One's for You

This has just been sitting arounf waiting to be fineshed for awhile, not to sure I like how it came out, any suggestions??

This ones for the kids,
that never had a chance.
That came from to a broken home,
to a world of blood red ashes.


This ones for the kids,
that have ever slammed their door,
and turned the music loud,
to block out the world.

This ones for the kids,
that ever felt out of place.
That ever felt like an outcast,
even amoung the so-called friends.

This ones for the kids,
that arn't afraid,
to stand out in the crowd.
An oddball among the "Normals".

This ones for the kids,
that ever took a blade to their wrists,
because thay didn’t know what to do,
because it just hurt too much.

This ones for the kids,
that ever thought about suicide.
Thinking it would silence the agony,
that screams at them to pull the trigger.

This ones for the kids,
that hang on tight,
to the twisting turning rollorcoster,
we like to call life.

This ones for you.
Never give up, never let go.
We the kids,
can make it trough.

~11-2-10~

Hey SilentRain,

This will be my first review for the day and ever, since I am one of the new members.

So, first off I shall introduce myself! My name is Le Dernier Espoir, and don't bother sounding it out because Michael will do just fine! I promise.

The poem you wrote is decently done. I'm not going to say it's exceptional, because even the best writers need a bit to grow on. However, it was easy to understand your point regardless of the seperation of days used to write it. Though I tend to enjoy more happier poems; I did indeed relate to this one. I mean if we are speaking in reality purposes than everyone should know that life mostly sucks. And I believe this reflects that well.

Even though life does suck it doesn't mean 'death' as an absolution for absolving this issues. Which, if you analyze that message, you can sort of see that here as well. Life does have its downs, but there are also ups that make it 'that much better.'

On the professional side, I need to adhere to advice.

What seems to be your problems here is a bit of wrong spellings and odd placement. So, let me help you.

-- First Stanza: perhaps it's better to say "This one's for the kids that never had a chance, who came from a broken home and into a world of blood red ashes."

-- Second Stanza: maybe this "This one's for the kids that have slammed their doors and turned (some) (the) music up loud to block out the world."

-- Third Stanza: try this "This one's for the kids that ever felt out of place, or like an outcast even among their so-called friends."

-- Fourth Stanza: and this "This one's for the kids that aren't afraid to stand out in the crowd - an odd ball among the 'normals.'

-- Fifth Stanza: or perhaps "This one's for the kids that ever took a blade to their wrists, because they didn't know what to do. It hurt too much."

-- Sixth Stanza: "This one's for the kids that ever thought about suicide - thinking it would silence the agony that screams at them to pull the trigger."

-- Seventh Stanza: "This one's for the kids that hold on tight to the twisting and turning roller coaster called life."

-- Eighth Stanza: "...We are the kids that can make it through."

These are just thoughts on how you could fix the wordiness and grammar, but as far as the spelling; I'm afraid those are unchangeable. Thanks for posting this poem. And I'm sorry if I ranted too much, but I felt like you deserved a thorough review.

* Le Dernier Espoir