In Silence Sin Speaks the Loudest

Just wrote this, only edited a little, I think its kinda long, but Im not sure if thats good or bad... Tell me what you think!

They're screaming words
that just wont stop.
They're digging tunnels
through my head
and to my heart.
They're all around me,
everywhere I turn.
Hiding underneath my blanket,
the only sanctuary I was left with,
now taken over by the voices,
that tell me to cut,
to cover them up.

They tell me to sin,
to lie, to cheat.
it's like a needle prick,
slowly jabbing a wound.
Slowly driving its way
deeper and deeper,
into the twisting, turning mazes
that so treacherously make up my mind.

They tell me to steal the gun
from the bottom left side
of my Daddy's drawer.
They tell me to take a pen
and compose a lovely note.
To place it right there,
on the birthday card
my Mama gave me.
They tell me to put on that white dress
I wore to Sunday school
so many weeks ago,
where the pastor asked me
how I was doing
and I just smiled and said
“Never been better!”

But of course it was a lie.
My little white gloves,
covered up the track marks.
My everyday-mask,
covered up my sin stained soul.
I asked for forgiveness,
but I guess I was too rotten.

Too ruined by the voices
that now tell me
to place the barrel at my heart,
the very center of my being.
Slowly my hand obeys the murmurs
and cold steel is against my chest,
where the little scar is,
from were I fell off my bike,
when playing with my brother.

He will be so ashamed of me,
for this cowardly act.
But with the screaming,
I have no choice but to comply.

They wish me dead.
No, they want me to suffer,
they desire my pain,
feed of my weakness.
They know my will is flimsy
and oh so easy to bend and play with.

I guess they have grown tired
of their frail minded puppet.
So its time to end it
and they say to pull the trigger.
I’m scared, suicide is a sin,
but I have already broken
so many of the Commandments
I have lied and I have cheated.
I have vainly used His name.
I have dishonored my parents
and coveted my neighbor.
I have stolen from a friend,
and now I plan to kill.

But the voices,
they're tired of me
and they won't just leave.
They want my blood
but I don’t want to die.
I can feel my finger moving,
I will it to stop,
but as the voices know,
my will is weak.

The small digget continues to constrict
I scream
drop the gun like it is a hot brand
My faceless tormentor curse.
I have won! And they know it!

They're still there,
only now behind a haze,
and I can push then aside.
I can live.
I can be forgiven.
I can, and I will!

~11-1-10~

Hey there Here as requested! The first thing I wanted to say was that I really love this. It is full of emotion, and I could relate to it well. That being said that were some mistakes, and I do think this could be shortened.

Their screaming words
and just wont stop. Instead of the word and I would put that right there.
Their digging tunnels
through my head
and to my heart.
Their all around me, This should be they're not their I do believe.
everywhere I turn.
Hiding underneath my blanket,
the only sanctuary I was left with, I really related to this. I feel that my bed is my only place left to hide.
now taken over by the voices,
that tell me to cut,
to cover them up. [b]You didn't really say what you were covering up. I think in the whole stanza everything is very quick and confused. You didn't really draw up on one point. You ran through a bunch of different topics and just rolled with it, which in turn confused the reader. I would either amit some of this and add it to another stanza , or shorten it.
They tell me to sin,
to lie, to cheat.
their like a needle prick, [b]Instead of the word their I would put it's. I think it would sound much better.
slowly jabbing a wound.
Slowly driving its way
deeper and deeper,
into the twisting, turning mazes
that so treacherously make up my mind. I like your description, but you have to do something with it. It is just very random right now.

They tell me to steal the gun
from the bottom left side
of my Daddies drawer.
They tell me to take a pen
and compose a lovely note.
To place it right there,
on the birthday card
my Mama gave me.
They tell me to put on that white dress
I wore to Sunday school
so many weeks ago,
where the pastor asked me
how I was doing
and I just smiled and said
“Never been better!” I really related to this, and it makes me so sad because I feel the same way.

But of course it was a lie.
My little white gloves,
covered up the track marks.
My everyday-mask, This reminded me of that old poem "The Mask."
covered up my sin stained soul.
I asked for forgiveness,
but I guess I was too rotten.

Too ruined by the voices
that now tell me
to place the barrel at my heart,
the very center of my being.
Slowly my hand obeys the murmurs
and cold steel is against my chest,
right where little scar is Where the little scar is.
from were I fell off my bike,
when playing with my brother.

He will be so ashamed of me,
for this cowardly act.
But with the screaming,
I have no choice but to comply.

They wish me dead.
No, they want me to suffer,
they desire my pain,
feed of my weakness.
They know my will is flimsy
and oh so easy to bind and play with. I related to this to, very nice.

I guess they have grown tired
of their frail minded puppet.
So its time to end it
and they say to pull the trigger.
I’m scared, suicide is a sin,
but I have already broken
so mine of the commandments Many.
I have lied and I have cheated.
I have vainly used His name.
I have dishonored my parents
and coveted my neighbor.
I have stolen from a friend,
and now I plan to kill.

But the voices
their tired of me They're
and they wont just leave.
They want my blood
but I don’t want to die.
I can feel my finger moving,
I will it to stop,
but as the voices know,
my will is weak.

The small diget continue to constrict continues
I scream
drop the gun like it is a hot brand
My faceless tormenter curse.
I have won! And they know it!

Their still there They're
only now behind a haze
but I can push then aside.
I can live.
I can be forgiven.
I can, and I will!

~11-1-10~[/quote]

I noticed that you had some trouble with the use of they're and their. Their is possesive and they're is they are pretty much. I would take a look at something that talks about that. Other than that and a few other things I mentioned above I loved this. I do think it could be shortened a bit. You have a bit of unused space here. Hm a name. How about Silent Screams.

Anyway thank you for the request! I hope I helped.

SilentRain wrote:Just wrote this, only edited a little, I think its kinda long, but Im not sure if thats good or bad... Tell me what you think!

Their screaming words
and just wont stop.
Their digging tunnels
through my head
and to my heart.
Their all around me,
everywhere I turn.
Hiding underneath my blanket,
the only sanctuary I was left with,
now taken over by the voices,
that tell me to cut,
to cover them up.

They tell me to sin,
to lie, to cheat.
their like a needle prick,
slowly jabbing a wound.
Slowly driving its way
deeper and deeper,
into the twisting, turning mazes
that so treacherously make up my mind.

They tell me to steal the gun
from the bottom left side
of my Daddies drawer.
They tell me to take a pen
and compose a lovely note.
To place it right there,
on the birthday card
my Mama gave me.
They tell me to put on that white dress
I wore to Sunday school
so many weeks ago,
where the pastor asked me
how I was doing
and I just smiled and said
“Never been better!”

But of course it was a lie.
My little white gloves,
covered up the track marks.
My everyday-mask,
covered up my sin stained soul.
I asked for forgiveness,
but I guess I was too rotten.

Too ruined by the voices
that now tell me
to place the barrel at my heart,
the very center of my being.
Slowly my hand obeys the murmurs
and cold steel is against my chest,
right where little scar is
from were I fell off my bike,
when playing with my brother.

He will be so ashamed of me,
for this cowardly act.
But with the screaming,
I have no choice but to comply.

They wish me dead.
No, they want me to suffer,
they desire my pain,
feed of my weakness.
They know my will is flimsy
and oh so easy to bind and play with.

I guess they have grown tired
of their frail minded puppet.
So its time to end it
and they say to pull the trigger.
I’m scared, suicide is a sin,
but I have already broken
so mine of the commandments
I have lied and I have cheated.
I have vainly used His name.
I have dishonored my parents
and coveted my neighbor.
I have stolen from a friend,
and now I plan to kill.

But the voices
their tired of me
and they wont just leave.
They want my blood
but I don’t want to die.
I can feel my finger moving,
I will it to stop,
but as the voices know,
my will is weak.

The small diget continue to constrict
I scream
drop the gun like it is a hot brand
My faceless tormenter curse.
I have won! And they know it!

Their still there
only now behind a haze
but I can push then aside.
I can live.
I can be forgiven.
I can, and I will!

~11-1-10~

thats awesome

Ok, I read this and kinda stopped during the first stanza. I noticed that the grammar was a little off. The word "Their" should be replaced by the word "They are" or "They're". Try running a grammar check next time. Overall, I think you're on the right track. Good luck, and if you change it, I would definitely like to read it.

SilentRain wrote:Just wrote this, only edited a little, I think its kinda long, but Im not sure if thats good or bad... Tell me what you think!

Their screaming words
and just wont stopWhy is there an and in this sentence?.
Their This should be they'redigging tunnels
through my head
and to my heart.
TheirThis should be they're all around me,
everywhere I turn.
Hiding underneath my blanket,
the only sanctuary I was left with,
now taken over by the voices,
that tell me to cut,
to cover them up.

They tell me to sin,
to lie, to cheat.
theirWatch out for those type o's!:) This should be they're like a needle prick,
slowly jabbing a wound.
Slowly driving its wayI don't understand this sentence? Do you mean that the needle prick is going into the wound?
deeper and deeper,
into the twisting, turning mazes
that so treacherously make up my mind.

They tell me to steal the gun
from the bottom left side
of my DaddiesI think this should be Daddy's drawer.
They tell me to take a pen
and compose a lovely note.
To place it right there,
on the birthday card
my Mama gave me.
They tell me to put on that white dress
I wore to Sunday school
so many weeks ago,
where the pastor asked me
how I was doing
and I just smiled and said
“Never been better!”

But of course it was a lie.
My little white gloves,
covered up the track marks.
My everyday-mask,
covered up my sin stained soul.
I asked for forgiveness,
but I guess I was too rotten.

Too ruined by the voices
that now tell me
to place the barrel at my heart,
the very center of my being.
Slowly my hand obeys the murmurs
and cold steel is against my chest,
right where little scar is
from were I fell off my bike,
when playing with my brother.

He will be so ashamed of meWho? The brother?,
for this cowardly act.
But with the screaming,
I have no choice but to comply.

They wish me dead.
No, they want me to suffer,
they desire my pain,
feed off my weakness.
They know my will is flimsy
and oh so easy to bindDo you mean bend? and play with.

I guess they have grown tired
of their frail minded puppet.
So its time to end it
and they say to pull the trigger.
I’m scared, suicide is a sin,
but I have already broken
so minemany of the commandments
I have lied and I have cheated.
I have vainly used His name.
I have dishonored my parents
and coveted my neighbor.
I have stolen from a friend,
and now I plan to kill.

But the voices
their tired of me
and they wont just leave.
They want my blood
but I don’t want to die.
I can feel my finger moving,
I will it to stop,
but as the voices know,
my will is weak.

The small digetWhat is this?Can you explain it please? continue to constrict
I scream
drop the gun like it is a hot brand
My faceless tormenterDo you mean tormentor? curse.
I have won! And they know it!

TheirThey're still there
only now behind a haze
but I can push then aside.
I can live.
I can be forgiven.
I can, and I will!

~11-1-10~

This is good. I like the way you convey the emotion in the piece. Aside from a few type o's and a few confusing lines, it flows really well. I suggest Journey out of Darkness for a title, but it's only a suggestion. You don't have to title it that. I hope this helps.

Hello there, Rain!

First of all and grammatically speaking, I think you're confused on proper usage of "They're" and "Their". And I really have to agree with those previous reviewers above me, so I don't think I need to explain it pretty much. Just proofread or reread the piece again. Also, there are some stanzas where you lack punctuations, hence it was hard for me to read the poem smoothly. Some nitpicks to consider:

Their screaming words
and just wont stop.

It should be "They're".

of my Daddies drawer.

"Daddy's drawer", perhaps?

and I just smiled and said

A comma to follow after "said".

So its time to end it

"It's"

and they wont just leave.

Apostrophe.

The small diget continue to constrict

Confusing.


~

Looking overall, I think this is has potential to be better, SRain. There are just some instances when the lines are too blurry to understand. This is a free-verse, right? About the message of the poem, I think it tries to convey about that "influence" that can make you do a regretful sin. I mean, some thing makes a person do a crime like a suicide, because the emotions flowing here explains itself. And with that, your reader can easily relate with you. As for the title, it's good already. So, I don't think you need anymore of my opinions, huh?

All in all, I thank you for the good read. Just fix out those errors and this will be a good poem to read. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out,
Yuri

Ok I'm not here to correct your grammar. You wanted a title and that's what I will give you. I think it should be "Forgive." or "Remember" you need a title that sums the meaning of the poem up in one word. Ask yourself "What is my poem about overall?" "What is the topic?" And then find one word that can describe it all. I promise you that will help (:
Latahh hatahh! ahha bye!

Hey, SilentRain! Jashy here as requested. Sorry for being so late. I had the reviewer’s block and I just wouldn't review anything. LOL

As I was reading I remember you telling me that you’re not a good speller. But your mistakes were not misspelled words, but rather grammatical ones. I do not know if you deliberately did this, but I will still point it out (in pink font):

SilentRain wrote:The[color=#FF0080]'re[/color] screaming words

That was pretty much it. So I'll move on telling you what I think about this poem.
You know what? It was emotional. I kept reading and reading and you dragged me to the end. Drag--in a good way, I meant. XD

They tell me to sin,
to lie, to cheat.
it's like a needle prick,
slowly jabbing a wound.
Slowly driving its way
deeper and deeper,
into the twisting, turning mazes
that so treacherously make up my mind.

I like that part! XD
And it made me feel so sad...
Well, this is so sad...
Let the other reviewers tell you what they think about the style.
I'm going answer your poem!

SilentRain, Always remember: NOBODY IS PERFECT...
Don't feel about having...

already broken
so many of the Commandments
I have lied and I have cheated.
I have vainly used His name.
I have dishonored my parents
and coveted my neighbor.
I have stolen from a friend,
and now I plan to kill.

And even though...

I asked for forgiveness,
but I guess I was too rotten.

for PEOPLE...

YES!

I can live.
I can be forgiven.
I can, and I will!

I noticed your using of Sunday School and Pastor...
They don't make it always clear, don't they?!
But I will tell you now and please consider this:
GOD HAS FORGIVEN YOU.
When Christ--the only perfect One who ever lived (wholly man and wholly God)--has died on the Cross for the sins of the world--including yours and mine--he has forgiven you, SilentRain.
All you have to do is BELIEVE (Acts 16:31).
You'll never ever have to be afraid of giving into those demonic temptations of suicide again!
You'll have victory--realvictory in CHRIST! =)

I know it's hard to feel rejected. I'm human, too. Those people are not perfect themselves! NO ONE IS BETTER THAN YOU OR ME...we're all the SAME.They try to be good but once in their life, they had sinned. (except those LOFTY IDIOTS WHO'RE BLINDED THEY'RE PERFECT)
So if you're looking for someone to go to after a rain, just call on God. He will never reject you--never leave you.

I'll make that simple and shut up now.
Thanks for the good read SilentRain.
Keep writing!


~ Jash ♥