In my opinion, your writing is very good, although I do think you could do a few things to improve, as we all can! First of all, most if not all, the things you put in brackets could be either individual sentences or in a sentence with commas. Also, if you put the speech of you characters in individual paragraphs I think it would be much easier to read. It may just be something that is just my personal preference but perhaps you could consider it. In conclusion, I think you have lots of potential! Good luck!
I agree with write4life--I think you need to separate your paragraphs a little more. This will make it easier to read. But other then that, I think this was really good. When you started talking about South Dakota, I started laughing. This is where I live, and yes, there are no earthquakes here, but I never thought any story would find its way to SD, a place with very strange weather. But this was very enjoyable! Keep writing!
"The only bad ideas are the ones never tried." - Puck, The Sisters Grimm
