Failure

xxxxxdeletedxxxxx

I'm beginning to really enjoy the style in which you write your stories. I'm not sure whether it's just because you're exploring ideas or what, but it almost has a dream-like quality and it's really nice for getting to know the chracters.

I have a few comments though:

Shirian Grey wrote:Tears of embarrassment and rage slid down her face, and her fists were so clenched that her nails dug into her palms, and her hands began to bleed.

This sentence feels awkward. If it were me, I would seperate it into two sentences like this:
Tears of embarrassment and rage slid down her face. Her fists were so clenched that her nails dug into her palms and her hands began to bleed.

I would also change the structure a bit so it read more like: Her fists were clenched so tightly that her nails dug into her palms and...

Shirian Grey wrote:The birthing room stank of blood and sweat, and the woman screamed, gasped, wept, and began again, squirming against the hold of the midwives. The women tending her swarmed frantically about her in desperation, and the stench of death hung heavy in the air.

The description here was really nicely done. The reader got a good picture of what was going on in the room.

Shirian Grey wrote:And off to the side, covered in shadows, and caught in the grip of prophecy, his daughter saw echoes of their fates and watched with flat eyes.

She would mourn neither of them.

I was really curious after this bit. I hope you'll explain more about this later.

Shirian Grey wrote:“I know this one is your friend, grant me safe passage out of here, and I won’t kill him.”

This line just seemed forced. I couldn't imagine anyone saying that in real life and it was a bit repetitive from the line before. I don't think you need to restate that this person is her friend in this line. You do a good job of keeping the reader thinking along those lines without having to say it here.

Shirian Grey wrote:“Your terms are unacceptable.”

Loved this. The line was just so cold and inhuman and it seemed to reinforce the image that you have going of this main character being something... unearthly, I suppose is the word I'm looking for. I have to wonder when you're going to explain just what she is, though I would guess that since this is mostly just exploring for yourself we'll get more of that once you actually start writing the full story.

Besides that, excellently done. As I said before, I'm really enjoying the tone that you employ in your writing. I'm looking forward to whatever you choose to post next.

thanks for the heads up, if you were curious about the prophecy bit, then I have a piece in production now that will explore that topic.

Here I am again!

Because my review via email was completely substandard and I'm feeling guilty, I've come back. I think I said something like 'I looooove it.' *Bad jennafina! Bad!*

She would mourn neither of them.

I don't really understand who died. I know the mother, but did the son die too? Or is this about the father when she kills him in the future (if she really does.) It seems like since the father holds the baby up and is pleased, he's got to be alive. But I'm not sure.

With any luck she’ll get killed, eh?

Hehe, nice. Twisted humor.

...with the Lord’s arm locked around her only friend’s neck, holding the boys body in front of him as a shield.

Boy's?


Your discriptions of the two people Temari kills make her seem more inhuman. Like, if she could kill these people who played a part in her upbringing, even if she feels remorse, she must be really cold. I think thats what you're going for... right?

Like in Revenge, the last line is the one I remember. It makes me think. I hope this is better than the email.

haha. inadvertant canada humor. oops.

um... for the "not mourning either of them" i meant for it to be kind of a question answered in a later story, but the idea is she has premonitions of sorts, (which is actually not a good thing, more a hindrance than help). the idea is, she knows they are going to die, and she doesn't care. what can you say, severely de-sensitized.

Shirian Grey wrote:thanks for the heads up, if you were curious about the prophecy bit, then I have a piece in production now that will explore that topic.

Wonderful. I'm looking forward to reading it.

This is an excellent intro to a story. I hope that you post more. You created depth by mixing the past, the present, and the future all together. And, as one reader, I can say that I am already hooked with the questions you immediately present. Why is she like this? What does she want to achieve? What is this prophesy you mention? It is all instantly gripping. I especially like the way you transition with the italics about her different "titles", if you will, of sister, daughter etc.

Ah, I might post the big story here, but mostly I figure I'll write little stories about it, posting them here, before incorporating them in my big story and sending them off to a publisher. maybe. or i could just post it here. i dunno.