CHAPTER FOUR
The hike back to campus seemed to take forever. Andrew and Cat had decided that the best thing for the kids would be to forget about that night’s camp-out and get them back to campus as soon as possible. At first Jared kept trying to tell jokes, but even he eventually got tired of being told to shut up. The kids stuck close together yet didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with each other.
“I’ve never seen them this quiet,” Andrew whispered to Cat. “I know we’re all upset, but this seems a bit extreme. Should we be doing something differently?”
“I think we’re all still in shock. When we get back to campus and the kids see that...that she really isn’t there, then we’ll have our hands full.” They walked silently for several moments.
“Why is it always us?” Andrew asked quietly.
“What do you mean?”
“First Jordan and now Beth... I don’t even want to think about what this is going to do to the kids. We have our hands full on a normal day. How are we ever going to get them through this. Seems like he was playing soccer with us just last week. And I can almost hear Beth giggling away with Christina back there. They were finally getting their lives back together. Why did He have to take them? What good could there possibly be in any of this? What are we supposed to do for the rest of the kids. They still haven’t recovered from losing Jordan. And now Beth’s gone.” He took a shaky breath and tried to pull himself together. The kids needed him.
“I think you need to talk to Meredith as soon as we get back to campus,” Cat suggested. “You’re not thinking straight.”
“None of us are. I’ll deal with this my own way. It’s not like this is the first kid I’ve lost. I know how to handle myself.”
“I’m not sure you do. Jordan’s been gone for over two years.”
“So suddenly he was never here? We’re just supposed to forget about him?” Andrew asked angrily.
“That’s not what I’m saying,” Cat replied gently. “The point is that none of these kids have been here that long. None of them knew Jordan. You’re the one who hasn’t gotten over his death. And now to lose Beth ... I think you need to talk to someone. This isn’t healthy. You need help.”
“I’ll work it out myself. I’ve got things under control. Don’t pretend you know what’s best for me. ” Andrew nearly growled at her. “ I think I know myself a little better than you do.”
“Then why can’t you see it? If this was one of the kids you wouldn’t leave them alone until you’d found a way to help them. Let us help you.”
“I don’t need help!” Andrew stalked off, his long strides quickly taking him past the students and on well ahead of them. Cat wanted to go after him but knew that she needed to stay with the students.
‘He won’t listen to me, God. I don’t know what else to say to him. It’s like he’s blocking us all out. I thought we were close. I thought he knew he could come to me, for anything. I thought he’d put Jordan’s memory to rest. Why haven’t I noticed that he’s still struggling? He needs help but he won’t let me near him. I’m just one person. How much am I supposed to be able to do? I can’t deal with him and all the kids right now. It’s just too much. God, I can’t do this anymore.’
‘I know you can’t, and you don’t have to. That’s what I’m here for. We’ll get through this together. I promise.’
‘No offence, but that doesn’t make me feel much better right now. I just don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here.’
‘Try taking your own advice. It’s okay to let the kids see that you’re hurting too. Why should they open up to everyone and talk about what’s going on if you don’t?’
‘I guess I should listen to myself more, shouldn’t I. Thanks for reminding me.’
‘Here goes nothing,’ Cat thought as she caught up to the kids and told them it was time to stop for lunch.
“I’m not hungry,” Janika told her.
“Me either,” Christina muttered.
“Why can’t we just keep going?” Marshall asked. “I’m tired of this stupid forest. Everything looks the same.”
“We don’t have to stop for long,” Cat told them, “but everyone needs to eat something.” The kids came to a reluctant halt as Cat slid her pack to the ground and rummaged through it for the food. Grabbing the bag of apples and some trail mix, she handed it to Cristina who nearly dropped the bag. Cat managed to catch the food, but not before several apples slid out of the bag and rolled across the ground. No one tried to stop them. Cat looked around at her students who were standing silently with their packs still on as if they were frozen in place.
“That’s it guys,” Cat told them. “Sit down, now!” Slowly they slid their packs off and found a spot on the ground until only Cristina remained standing. “You too, Cristina,” Cat said. She didn’t move. “Come on hon, you need to rest. Just sit down for a minute,” Finally Cat took her arm and brought her gently to the ground. Cristina slumped against the tree and didn’t respond. “I’ve had enough of this.” Cat told her students, surprised at the anger in her voice. “We need each other. Withdrawing is not a smart thing to do right now. We’ve got to stick together. We should be supporting each other. That’s what Beth would want.” Cat’s voice cracked a little when she mentioned Beth’s name and she turned away from the kids for a moment, struggling to hold back her tears.
‘You’re allowed to be upset, too,’ Someone reminded her. Cat hesitated for a moment then turned back to the group and continued. “If we’re not there for each other, who will be? Beth was always trying to get us to share more, to really be real with each other. She wouldn’t want us to be hiding right now. Can you at least give it a try?” She gazed at her students hopefully but no one responded. “Please,” she whispered, unable to hide her tears any longer. As much as she talked about being real and tried to get the kids to open up to the group, she was ashamed to have them see her like this, but she refused to turn away or cover her face. If she was going to expect them to be real with her she had to stop hiding from them.
“I still can’t believe Beth’s gone,” Melanie admitted as she made her way over to Cat and hugged her. “She’s happy now and we know we’ll see her again someday. But we don’t have to forget her. As long as we remember her, she’s not really gone.
"Cat’s right. It’s not going to be easy. None of us can get through this alone. But we will get through this! We need each other. Who’s willing to give the group another chance? For Beth.”
********************************************
They caught up with Andrew shortly before they arrived back on campus. “How are you feeling?” Cat asked when they reached him.
“I’m fine,” he said listlessly. “Don’t worry about me.” Cat wanted to shake him and insist that he talk to her, but she didn’t think it would do any good.
“Will you talk to Meredith?” she asked.
“I told you I’m fine.”
“Aren’t I allowed to worry about a friend who’s going through a rough time?”
“There’s nothing to worry about.” Cat shrugged and let him go. There’d be time to talk to him later. Up ahead, the
kids had all stopped. Campus was just over the hill and none of them were quite ready to face their world without Beth. “Together?” she asked, taking Melanie’s hand on one side and Janika’s on the other. Janika silently offered Kaida her hand, and on the other side of Melanie, Christina joined the line. Even Marshall eventually took Christina’s hand and they set off cautiously over the hill, hand in hand. Jared and Andrew trailed slowly after them.
******************************************************
Meredith was waiting as they came over the ridge. “You’re all here?” she asked.
“On the way,” Cat replied glancing back towards the two who were still out of sight just over the hill.
“I’m glad you all made it back safe,” Meredith told them. “I’ll see you all in the lodge in twenty minutes.” As the kids made their ways slowly in the direction of their dorms, Cat took a seat beside Meredith, fighting the exhaustion that was threatening to overwhelm her.
“I’m not sure they actually know it’s real yet,” Cat reflected. “I don’t know how to make them understand.”
“It’s going to take time,” Meredith counselled. “We’ll get through this together. How are you dealing with everything?”
“I thought things were going OK, considering what we’ve all been through. Until we stopped for lunch. I cried in front of the kids,” Cat confessed. “How am I ever supposed to expect them to look up to me again. If they can’t respect me how am I supposed to help them.”
“That’s not true,” Meredith told her, as she put her arm around Cat’s shoulders and drew her close. “It may take them a little while, but they’ll respect you more for being real with them. We’re all struggling right now. No one expects you to be perfect.”
“But the kids look up to us. We have to be strong for them. We’ve got to support them.”
“No one can be strong all the time, Cat. It’s okay to not know what to say or how to fix things. We’re all going to work on this together. It doesn’t seem possible right now, but somehow we’re going to make it through this. We will, really,” she repeated as much for her own sake as for Cat’s. “God won’t let us go.”
********************************************
Jared threw himself on the couch, staring at his English novel as the rest of the group made their way into the lounge. “Good book?” Melanie asked, tapping the cover of the novel when she didn’t receive an answer. Jared jumped, glaring over the book at her. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” she reassured him. “I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”
“Just peachy,” Jared replied brightly. “Aren’t we all?”
“You don’t have to pretend, Jer,” Melanie said softly, “It’s okay to not be okay. We’re all hurting here.”
“I’m fine!” Jared repeated forcefully. “I’m just kind of busy, in case you haven’t noticed.”
“I was just trying to help,” Melanie told him as she headed towards the group gathering on the other side of the lounge. Cat looked up as Melanie slipped into a chair.
“He say anything to you?” Cat asked.
“Says he’s fine, but he’s not. I tried to tell him he’s allowed to be upset but he wouldn’t listen to me. Probably thinks he has to be tough because he’s a guy. Maybe Andrew could talk to him?” she suggested, looking around the circle for their other leader.
“He’ll be joining us in a little while,” Cat explained. “Meredith needed to talk to him first.”
“It’s not like Jared wants to talk anyway,” Melanie whispered sadly. “He’s got to be upset. I just wish he’d let someone help him. Why does he have to be so tough all the time?”
“Guys are stubborn,” Cat reminded her, with a slight grin that was soon lost in a frown. “Don’t worry too much about Jared. He’ll come around eventually.”
Cat turned back to the group, calling everyone to attention. “We’re waiting for you Jared,” she called across the room.”
“Kind of busy here,” he called back.
“I think this is a little more important than whatever you’re reading,” Cat told him.
“You always say that homework’s really important,”
“Not as important as this. Come join the circle right now or we’ll be taking a walk to Meredith’s after group.” Grumbling, Jared trudged across the room and sank into an empty chair at the far side of the circle, immediately returning his attention to the book.
Cat studied him for a minute and decided not to push him just yet. “I know you guys don’t feel like talking right now, but we need to be real with each other if we want to work through this. I know we haven’t had long to process what’s happened, but how are you all feeling right now? Janika?”
“Lost,” she whispered, staring down at her hands. “Beth was my best friend. I can’t believe she’s really gone.”
“Me either,” Melanie agreed. “I keep expecting her to walk in here any minute with a good excuse for being late to group. I know she’s not coming back. I know she’s in a better place now where she’s finally happy, but I’m still sad that she’s gone. It doesn’t seem right to be upset when I know she’s happy. She was always trying to cheer us up. But I miss her. Not having her here makes it hard to be happy.”
“I’m happy” Jared pointed out. “Maybe you just want to be sad.”
“You are such a liar,” Janika hissed. “You can’t not care that your friend is dead. You may not want to admit it, but you’re not happy right now.”
“You can’t tell me how I feel. I am happy. No more ‘Miss Smiley’ looking at the bright side of everything. Now we can finally have fun. No more listening to her super cheery voice at five am on campout. No more being told that God has a plan and that everything will be worth it in the end. If I had to listen to her say that one more time, I would have pushed her out of the boat myself.”
“Jared!” Cat exclaimed, crossing the circle in four quick strides, to stand in front of him. But Janika got there first.
“Don’t you ever say anything like that about my best friend again. Do you understand me?” she asked, her voice cold as steel. Cat stood cautiously nearby. Janika’s eyes blazed as she stared at him, daring him to repeat himself. Surprisingly he thought better of it.
“Yeah, whatever,” he said, grinning slightly. She lunged forward, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him harshly.
“Not whatever. This isn’t some random story that someone made up. This is real life. You knew Beth. You can’t just forget about her and go on with your life like she was never here. The two of you may not have been great friends, but at least show a little respect!”
“Get your hands off me,” Jared said coldly, “and don’t you ever try and tell me what to do again.”
“You are the biggest jerk I have ever met,” Janika whispered, before shoving his chair hard, dropping him on the floor.
“Janika, stop,” Cat commanded, but Janika was too upset to listen.
“If you keep this up you’re going to be in so much trouble.” Janika warned him. “I’m letting you go this time, but only because that’s what Beth would have wanted. Don’t expect me to let you off next time.” Ignoring Cat’s restraining hand on her shoulder, Janika shoved her way out of the circle and took off running.
Cat ran after her, yelling back over her shoulder to the rest of the group, “Don’t any of you move. We’re not finished discussing this yet.”
************
“Running isn’t going to solve anything,” Cat called towards the fleeing figure in the distance. There was no reply. Cat forced herself to run harder, knowing that she couldn’t let Janika get away, not while she was so upset. That whole outburst just wasn’t like her, and Cat couldn’t expect Janika to suddenly calm down. There was no guessing what she could do right now if no one stopped her. “God, You’ve got to help me,” she whispered. “I don’t know my kids anymore. How am I supposed to help them if I don’t understand them?”
Cat was jolted back to attention when she almost ran into a door. Seeing no sign of Janika nearby, she jerked the door open, praying desperately that this was the way the girl had come. She was just in time to see Janika fling herself through the door at the end of the hall. Cat ran faster, but she could hear the lock click from half way down the hall.
**********
“Sit down and don’t move until Cat tells you to,” Kaida commanded. Jared snarled at her and reached for the door handle. She blocked his way, refusing to let him out of the room. “How can you be such an insensitive idiot?” she asked. “I never had the privilege of meeting Beth, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not upset that she’s gone. If you don’t want to participate, I can’t make you, but you are staying here and you will not say another bad word about her. You will not disrespect her memory as long as I am here. And don’t test me. You do not want to see me mad.” Her tone was measured and crisp and she kept steady eye contact with him, until he looked away.
Jared carefully righted his fallen chair and sat back down. There was something dangerous in her voice and he was afraid to cross her, not that he ever would have admitted it. “I’ve got to finish my book anyway, may as well do it here” he mumbled, opening the novel and ignoring the rest of the group.
“Think we should have warned her?” Christina whispered to Melanie. “That he doesn’t let anyone tell him what to do? She’s going to be sorry later.”
Melanie studied Jared’s silent form for a minute. “Something tells me he’s not going to put up a fight on this one. I think she’s safe.”
***********
“Janika, honey, you need to unlock the door so we can talk.” Cat encouraged.
“I’m not coming out and you can’t make me.”
“Either you’re coming out or I’m coming in. I’ll get a key if I have to, but we’ve got to talk about this.”
“We are talking,” Janika pointed out.
“We’re yelling through a door! I mean really talking, like face to face. Someone is going to get hurt if you don’t let us help you. I know you’re upset, but you could have really hurt Jared in there. We need to talk about what happened.”
“What happened?” Janika fumed. “You heard what happened. That little jerk couldn’t keep his mouth shut and I had to shut it for him.”
“Janika,” Cat warned. “This will go easier on everyone if you cooperate with me. We can work this out.”
“I don’t want to talk to you.” Janika insisted.
“I’m not leaving until you do,” Cat told her. “I can sit here as long as you can.”
Janika laughed and sat down against the door. “We’ll see about that.”
***********
“Leave him alone,” Melanie urged, struggling to hold Marshall back from punching Jared.
“He deserves it.” Marshall hissed. “Sitting there smiling at his book like nothing happened. How can he say he’s happy that she’s dead. That’s not something to be happy about.”
“Why not?” Jared taunted. “Maybe I didn’t like her.”
“Shut up right now,” Marshall ordered.
“Or what? You’ll hit me?”
“That’s it!” Marshall screamed, tearing his arms loose from Melanie’s grip and swinging at Jared. The older boy watched him come, ducking neatly under the weak punch and countering with his own. Marshall flew across the floor and slammed into the wall, head first.
“Didn’t your mommy ever teach you not to pick on someone bigger than you?” Smirking, Jared wiped his bloody fist on his pants and picked up his book. Storming over to the couch, his rigid posture daring someone to try and reason with him, he threw himself onto the cushions and pointedly ignored the rest of the group.
The girls crowded around Marshall, who lay slumped against the wall blood running from his nose and the back of his head. “Marshall, wake up,” the girls coaxed. “We’re not going to let Jared hit you again. Wake up. Come on, Marshall.” There was no answer.
“I bet Meredith will let you have some ice cream if you tell her that your mouth hurts.” Melanie suggested. “But you have to share.”
“Or you can eat it all yourself,” Christina told him, “But you need to wake up.” There was still no answer and Marshall still hadn’t moved.
Melanie shook his shoulder gently. “Come on, Marshall. We really need you to wake up for us. You’re not going to be in trouble. Just open your eyes.” The girls stared at him hopefully, but there was no response.
“I’m getting the nurse,” Christina decided. “See if you can get the bleeding stopped.”
***********
“I’m still here,” Cat repeated as she had been every five minutes, hoping that Janika would soon get tired of talking through the door and let her in. “You’ve got to talk to me eventually.”
“I don’t want to talk. Go away,” Janika repeated for the fourth time.
“You know I can’t do that,” Cat told her. “I can’t leave you here...” They were both startled by the sudden banging as the front door slammed against the wall. Christina sprinted in, and frantically looked around the building. She sighed with relief as she spotted Cat in the shadows down the hall.
“I’ve been looking all over for you. Marshall won’t wake up. You’ve got to help him.”
“Where’s Andrew?”
“I haven’t seen him in hours. You’ve got to come quick. We don’t know what else to do. You’ve got to wake him up.”
Cat stared at the locked door for a minute, then turned to Christina. “We’re going to help him,” she reassured the frightened girl. “I’ll be there in just a minute.” Christina nodded and took off running back towards the lounge. “I’m not done with you,” Cat reminded Janika. “If you sneak out of here while I’m gone, you’re just going to get yourself lost. It’s really dark out there.”
Without waiting for an answer, Cat took off after Christina, wondering what could have possibly happened to Marshall. He wasn’t a fighter. She shouldn’t have left them alone with Jared when he was in this kind of mood. But she couldn’t let Janika run away either. Where on earth was Andrew? He was supposed to be her partner in this. They were supposed to be there for each other when something like this came up. She couldn’t believe that he’d left her to deal with everything on her own.
**********
Cat flung open the door, and rushed into the lounge, immediately taking notice of the overturned chairs and the blood splatter on the wall. Cat looked frantically around the room, finally spotting Marshall laying on the couch in front of the fireplace. The girls were crowded around him, pleading for him to wake up. As Cat stepped over to them, the door swung open and the nurse rushed in.
“I had to grab my bag,” she apologized. “How’s the patient.”
“He still hasn’t woken up,” Christina said tearfully. “Is he going to be alright?”
“I’ll have to take a look at him before I’ll know for sure, but I’m guessing he’s going to be just fine,” Nurse Jones told the girls. “What exactly happened here?” she asked Cat.
“It’s been a bit of a crazy night. I just got here myself. You’ll have to ask the girls.”
“Jared punched him,” Christina whispered. “He hit his head on the wall. Are you sure he’s going to be okay? There’s so much blood.”
“Head wounds always bleed a lot. It’s probably not too serious,” Nurse Jones reassured Christina. “He’s probably not responding because he’s gone into shock. I’m going to do everything I can to fix him up.” She rummaged through her bag for some supplies, then gently moved Melanie aside so that she could get to her patient. Lifting the jacket carefully from his head, she inspected the wound.
