CHAPTER TEN
“What have the others been told?” Melanie asked as she followed Cat down the trail away from the safe house.
“Just that we went away for a few days. Any information beyond that is for you to share when you’re ready.”
“What about Andrew?”
“It’s up to you how much, if anything, you want to tell him. He’d be honoured if you decide to trust him with this but I’m not going to force to you tell anybody else. You do what you feel is right.” They walked in silence a while until Melanie paused, leaning her pack against a tree and taking a seat on a large rock. Fishing her water bottle out of her pack she turned to Cat.
“Meredith knows.”
“She does as does the nurse but no one else. What’s with all the sudden questions? You know that our discussions have always been confidential. I thought you’d been here long enough to believe that.”
“I do, it’s just...different this time somehow. Suddenly I’m right back where I was when I arrived here. It’s like the past eight months never happened. Everything I’ve been working so hard for is gone. I was finally starting to move on and think that my life could actually be normal again. I guess I was never really over it. I’ve just been going through a phase. What if I never get over it?”
“Hey,” Cat whispered sharply, looking directly at Melanie as she spoke. “You can’t give up now. I know you’re stronger than that. None of us are perfect. We all slip up sometimes but there’s always hope. You’re doing so much better now than you were when you got here. Really! I know it seems like the last few months were a complete waste but you’ve learned so much. Look at it this way. When you came here how often were you cutting?”
“Once or twice a week, sometimes more.”
“So roughly one day in seven?”
Melanie nodded.
“And in the last few months?”
“Before this last time...not for 212 days.”
“Which means one day out of 218. Sounds like a major improvement to me.”
“It shouldn’t have happened at all.” Swinging her pack onto her back Melanie continued down the trail.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes but the important thing is that you have other alternatives now and you’ve been using them. I know you want to change and really want things to get better. You’re willing to work hard to make that happen. I’ve seen how much you’ve accomplished since you’ve been here and I’m so proud of you. I know it’s not easy and you may not be able to see how far you’ve come but someday you will.”
“If I’ve improved so much then what the heck happened a few nights ago? Doesn’t look like progress to me.”
“So you made a bad choice. That happens. The important thing is how you choose to handle things differently in the long run. What was your first response when you found out that Beth had died?”
“I knew I should be happy for her but I couldn’t help missing her.”
“What did you do about that?”
“Not much. Everyone else was struggling so I was trying to be strong for them. Our first night back on campus I couldn’t fall asleep so I was praying for Marshall to get better and for Beth’s family when I realised that at least we have each other here. Her parents are all alone.”
“Her parents have each other and I’m sure their families will be there for them.”
“Beth’s mom hasn’t spoken to her parents in years. Her dad’s mother died a few years ago and he’s never been close to his father. Beth got a letter from her mom the week after school started saying that her dad had moved out. Last I heard, he was filing for divorce.”
“She never said anything to me about her parents having trouble.”
“Beth always preferred to focus on the positive. She knew that there was nothing she could do for her parents so she was trying not to dwell on it.”
“Is that what you do? Try not to think about it?”
“Sometimes. With Beth I just kept telling myself that she wouldn’t want me to be sad for her.”
“If this had happened a year ago, what would you have done?”
“I definitely wouldn’t have waited three days to deal with things. The longer I let everything build up the more it takes to calm down again. Maybe I shouldn’t even be trying to stop myself. Just makes it worse when I finally give in.”
“Mel, honey, please don’t stop trying. The right way is rarely the easy way but someday I know you’ll be glad you refused to give up.”
“These past few months have been hard enough,” Melanie whispered, furtively blinking away the tears that were threatening to fall. “Now that I’ve given in once, it’ll be so much harder to resist the next time.”
“You know I’m always here for you,” Cat told her. “No matter what time it is, if you need to talk come find me.”
As the first building appeared through the trees, Cat laid a gentle hand on Melanie’s shoulder. “We can take another few days,” she suggested. “There’s no reason we have to go back today.”
“The longer we stay away the more trouble people will think I’m in. I’d rather get this over with.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve had enough of that cabin for a while,” Melanie grinned as she moved forward into the clearing.
“Don’t worry about rushing to class,” Cat called after her. “I think you’ve earned the rest of the day off. I’ll see you at lunch.”
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The dorm was quiet as Melanie dropped her pack on the bed and looked around. Running her hand over her arm and resisting the urge to scratch at the scabs, she stepped cautiously towards the bathroom. Surprisingly nothing had changed. The mirror gleaming at her from above the sink had to be new but everything looked exactly the same. She had expected there to be some sign left, something to scare her into smartening up. There was nothing.
****************
Cat managed to catch up with Meredith before lunch. “We’re back,” she told Meredith. “Assuming you didn’t completely ignore my lesson plan, I can take my afternoon classes.”
“I’m actually enjoying being back in the classroom. You’ve had a long week. Why don’t you do something this afternoon just for fun. You can take over for me in the morning.”
“I don’t quite believe that you’re enjoying it that much but I’m not going to argue with you. I could use a nap.”
“You make sure you’re taking care of yourself,” Meredith reminded her. “The kids may think we handle everything like it’s no big deal but I know the last few weeks have been really rough on me. We can’t keep going forever without a break.”
“I know,” Cat sighed. “I’m working on it.”
“Good. Maybe you can come by the office later when you have a minute and we can talk?’
“Sure. Do you know where I can find the girl who called me about Melanie. She was pretty worried and I didn’t think I quite convinced her that Melanie would be okay.”
“Mary’s not around at the moment. She went away with Jess for a few days.”
“I guess I should have let her see Mel before we left.”
“There’s nothing you can do about it now,” Meredith told her. “Go take that nap. We’ll talk later.”
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“That was so not fair,” Kaida grumbled as she stormed into the dorm after class and threw her backpack on the bed. “This is the lamest assignment ever and Melanie gets to skip the whole thing.”
“Everyone needs a change of pace once in a while,” Christina told her. “It’s not like she was trying to get out of classes all week. Things happen. Let it go.”
“She should at least have to catch up on everything she missed when she gets back. It doesn’t make sense that she can get away with not doing the work at all.”
“It’s not like she’s off on a vacation,” Janika pointed out. “She’s got a lot of things to work through, stuff that’s a lot harder than the things you’ve been complaining about.”
Melanie paled and tried to breath silently. She should have realised that Christina and Janika would have a pretty good idea where she’d been. She’d shared enough in group last year for them to at least suspect what had happened last week. In fact, Andrew probably knew too. How could she have forgotten that? There was no way out of the room without catching everyone’s attention so she had no choice but to stay still and hope that they didn’t notice her. As tempting as it was to jump in suddenly with some wild story about where she’d been, she wasn’t ready to tell the truth and hadn’t come up with a plausible lie.
“She just up and takes off with no notice. How would you know what she’s been doing?” Kaida asked.
“After you’ve been here a while you start to figure out how things work. I wouldn’t want to trade places with Melanie right now. Cat can be tough when she needs to,” Christina replied.
“I still have no idea what’s going on here. Which one of you wants to fill me in?”
“You better not go pestering Mel about this,” Janika warned her. “If she wants you to know anything, she’ll tell you herself, but don’t expect her to share everything right away. You just got here. You can’t expect any of us to go spilling all our secrets before we have a chance to get to know you.”
“Fine!” Kaida huffed. “I won’t ask her, but I still don’t see why she doesn’t have to catch up on her homework.”
Reaching very slowly into the pack beside her bed Melanie drew out her school notebook. “I don’t know why you’re so worked up about some silly homework assignment,” she yelled suddenly, startling the others as they turned towards her. “I’ve been doing the same work as you and a lot of other things besides. You think you’ve got it rough? I’d have gladly traded places with you these last few days. Don’t you dare judge me when you know nothing about what I’ve been through.” Tossing the notebook into Kaida’s lap Melanie ran out the door.
“Now look what you did,” Christina hissed. “I told you to leave it alone.”
“How was I supposed to know she was listening,” Kaida retorted. “It’s not like I was trying to upset her.”
“You’d better watch what you say from now on,” Janika responded. “I don’t think any of us are too excited about you being here so far. If you keep causing trouble, things could happen.”
“What kind of things?”
“Just be careful,” Christina told her, “and leave Melanie alone.” As Christina headed off after Melanie, Kaida leaned back against the wall. She hadn’t meant to upset anyone but judging from the glares that Janika was giving her she’d really messed up somehow. If she could figure out what she’d done wrong she could try and fix it but it didn’t look like anyone was about to give her any hints.
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“Do you want to talk about it?” Christina asked quietly as she came up behind Melanie and took a seat on the rock beside her.
“I think I’m all talked out for a while,” Melanie replied.
“Cat push you too hard?”
“Feels like it. I know eventually I’ll be glad she did but right now I don’t want to say another word about myself for a long time.”
“That’s understandable. How about I talk instead.”
“As long as it’s about something random and pointless. I’ve had enough of deep serious conversations for a while.”
“Kaida hasn’t been here long enough to figure out how things work but she still had no right to say what she and we’ll make sure she knows that.”
“Can you get her to stop trying to figure out what really happened without telling her where I was?”
“I’m sure we’ll find a way. So, what random pointless topic did you have in mind?”
“Something light. I’ll be back in group soon enough.”
“Did you hear that Jared got caught on the beach after lights out with some girl?”
“Seriously? Where did he find a girl who would actually want to spend time with him?”
“I think she’s new.”
“Should we warn her?”
“I would imagine she’ll figure it out soon enough. She might even turn out to be good for him.”
***********************************************
Janika and Kaida slipped into the lounge quietly and took their seats, keeping a wary eye on one another. The rest of the group were still making their way slowly across the lawn. “Let’s go guys, we’ve got things to do,” Andrew called. As they waited for the others to arrive Cat made her way over to the empty chair between Kaida and Janika.
“I don’t know what you two have going on,” she whispered, “but whatever it is has to stop.” She turned to Kaida. “You may not have realized it yet but this group has been through a lot together and if you ever want to really be one of us we have to be able to trust you, so drop the attitude. And what about you Janika? You know better than that. I realise you’ve been having a rough time lately but that doesn’t give you the right to take your feelings out on other people. You need to smarten up. I’ll be watching both of you and I better not see any more of this foolishness.” As Cat walked away Kaida glanced cautiously over at Janika.
“She seems pretty mad,” Kaida commented.
“Give her time. She’ll calm down and warm up to you eventually. Just try not to get on her bad side too often.”
“Come on people,” Cat shouted from the doorway. “We don’t have all day.”
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“Can’t we discuss something else?” Christina asked. “All we’ve talked about lately is Beth. What do you remember best about her? Do you miss her? How are you feeling right now? How are you coping? How are you really feeling? Do you wish she was still here? On and on. I know we all miss her but the longer we dwell on what happened the harder it is to focus on anything else. I’m not saying we should forget all about Beth. She was one of us and I love her. I just really need something else to think about right now.”
“What did you have in mind?” Andrew asked.
“We could talk about Jared’s new girlfriend,” Kaida suggested, grinning slyly at him. “I heard you two had a little meeting a few nights ago.”
“We just went for a walk,” Jared replied.
“In the dark, after curfew, just the two of you,” Janika pointed out. “What exactly were you up to?”
“Nothing,” Jared insisted. “We just took a walk. Not that I would have minded if we’d done more, but we were barely out there ten minutes.”
“Some people can get a lot done in ten minutes,” Kaida told him.
“I don’t like what you’re trying to say,” Jared snarled. “Why’s everyone so interested in me anyway? You haven’t told us a thing about yourself yet. We don’t even know why you’re here.”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but my dad’s a jerk so I ran away and made the mistake of letting the police catch up with me.”
“I thought you lived with your grandma?” Christina asked.
“I do,” Kaida replied shortly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You don’t have to say anything until you’re ready,” Andrew reassured her. “I’d like you all to go get your latest writing assignment. No one seems to want to share openly about anything so you’re going to take turns reading instead. Since you’ve got so much to say tonight, why don’t you go first Christina.”
Sighing, Christina flipped open her journal. “I am an athlete. I know how to work hard. I love coaching soccer. I want my mom to leave me alone. I need to know that someone cares.”
“Good. Who wants to go next?” Cat asked. “Jared?”
“I am thinking that this is a dumb exercise,” Jared remarked. “I know what you want me to say and I’m not going to say it. I love my truck. I want you to stop making me say things like this. I need to stop talking now.”
“Jared!” Cat warned. “You know that’s not the point. After everyone else is finished I want to hear from you again, properly this time. Janika, what about you.”
“I am lonely,” Janika began. “I know my parents love me but I have a hard time remembering that. I love spending time with my little cousin Nicole. I want to be happy. I need to see Beth again.”
“I didn’t really know what I was supposed to be talking about here,” Kaida admitted, “but here’s what I wrote. I am planning to live in the Carribean some day. I know how to fly a helicopter. I love my little brother and sister. I want to learn how to sail. I need to practise my clarinet more often.”
“I am tired of this.” Marshall commented. “I know how to ride a horse. I love my cat. I want to go home. I need my parents to get back together.”
“I am not ready to talk about this,” Melanie told the group. “I know you’ve got questions about where I’ve been but I can’t answer them right now. I love the way the stars look in the middle of the night. I want to thank Cat for helping me this week. I need to apologise to someone for something I did.”
“Jared, are you ready to take this seriously?” Andrew asked.”
“What about you and Cat? You guys haven’t read yours yet.”
“This was your assignment, remember?”
“But it’s not fair. You make us tell you all kinds of things we don’t want to talk about and you barely share anything with us.” Jared complained.
“You first,” Andrew insisted.
“I am ready for summer to come so I can spend all day on the beach making out with my girlfriend.”
“Jared!”
“Fine. I am happy that it is almost winter so that we don’t have to go on anymore crazy long trips. I know where students have been hiding their cigarettes. I love surfing. I want to become a pro baseball player. I need to know my dad is gone before I go home.”
“Thank you for co-operating,” Andrew told him. “I am not a fan of the school’s meatloaf. I know how to make fudge. I love working here. I want my children to know how much I love them. I need to start being more open with you guys.”
“I am ready for a vacation,” Cat said. “I know how to sew. I love my brother’s kids. I want to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro some day. I need you all to smarten up and start behaving better.”
“Save it.” Andrew warned as Jared started to make a smart comment. “Does anyone have anything helpful to say?” There was no response. “Then I guess that’s enough for tonight. See you all tomorrow. Make sure you get your homework done.”
As the students filed out of the room, Andrew took a moment to study Cat from across the circle. “I don’t know what all went on between you and Melanie this week but that’s no excuse for being so short-tempered with the kids.”
“I’ll be fine,” she responded.
“You’re not fine,” he insisted, “and don’t tell me you’ve got it under control . I’ve been watching you and there’s definitely something going on that you need to deal with. Whatever happened out there you need to do something about it instead of taking it out on the kids.”
“You’re one to talk,” Cat snorted. “You’re always taking care of things your own way regardless of what that means for everyone else so don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing.”
“I’m just trying to help,” Andrew protested. “You’re the one who kept telling me that everyone should have someone to lean on when things get rough. I want to be there for you but you keep shutting me out.”
“I don’t need your help on this one.”
“Just keep an eye on your attitude,” Andrew requested. “We’re all dealing with something and getting upset at every little comment isn’t helping.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Cat replied tersely.
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“They get after me for not being serious and then go and throw out a bunch of random facts themselves,” Jared complained as he followed Marshall back to the dorm.
“You had a week to do your assignment,” Marshall reminded him. “Cat and Andrew had to make things up on the spot.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that they never tell us anything important about themselves. If they’re going to make us share all the time they should have to participate.”
“They’re the leaders, they don’t have to do anything.”
“I still think they should. I’m going for a walk,” Jared decided. “If anyone asks, I went to bed early.”
“Like you’d ever do that. You’re meeting Abbie again, aren’t you.”
“Make up a better excuse then but if anyone interrupts us it’ll be your fault.”
“You better not be gone too long,” Marshall called after him nervously. “I’m not very good at lying.”
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“I didn’t know Andrew had kids,” Kaida commented. “Do they go to school here too?”
“He was talking about us,” Janika told her. “He acts tough but sometimes he can get really sentimental. I think it’s kind of nice.”
“You think everything’s nice,” Christina pointed out. “You hate it when people fight and you’re always trying to change the topic to something positive.”
“What’s wrong with wanting people to be happy?” Janika asked.
“There are times when nothing good seems to be happening and having you acting so cheery all the time makes people more angry.”
“I’m just trying to help.”
“Well, maybe you should tone it down a little. You never used to be like this. I hope you’re not trying to take over for Beth. That’s not a good idea right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jared punches you pretty soon.”
“You can get pretty annoying,” Kaida agreed.
“We weren’t talking to you,” Christina snapped. “Stay out of this.”
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