CHAPTER EIGHT
Now that they were alone, Cat settled down on the bed, and turned her attention to Melanie. "Why don't you start by telling me what you remember about last night."
Melanie thought for a moment. "I couldn't sleep," she told Cat. "I couldn't stop thinking that I should have tried harder to get Beth to leave her life jacket on. I just couldn't sit still any longer so I snuck into the bathroom to keep from waking anyone up. I remember someone telling me that everything was going to be okay. Then I woke up in the infirmary and you told me we were coming here."
"What happened to your arms?" Cat asked gently.
"I don't remember," Melanie said.
"You don't remember or you don't want to tell me? It’s important that we figure out what really happened. I can't help you if I don't know the truth."
"That's all I remember," Melanie insisted. "Really." She could tell from Cat's expression that that wasn't the answer she'd been hoping for. "If I knew anything else, I'd tell you. Honest. You must know something if you're so sure I'm lying. What do you think happened?"
"I can't say what might have happened before I got there, but I found you on the bathroom floor, with blood and glass all around you."
As she considered what Cat had seen, something started to come back. She could feel the blood running down her arms, and the broken glass crunching under her every time she moved. The darkness was all around her, pressing in on her, threatening to overwhelm her. "I got upset and the mirror broke," she told Cat slowly. "I remember the glass and the blood, but I don't know how it happened."
"Try and remember," Cat urged her. "It's important that you realise what happened if we're ever going to work though it and get you back to campus. Why don't you try writing in your journal for a while. See if you can remember anything else."
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"Usually your counsellor would be in charge of the admission interview, but since Cat's away for a few days and we've put this off long enough you'll have to put up with me," Meredith told Kaida as they walked together to her office after class. "We have a few basic rules that we expect everyone to follow here. There will be no drugs, alcohol, smoking, or romantic relationships while you are here. We don't allow weapons, lighters, matches, glass containers or inappropriate reading materials on campus and ask that you follow the same rules if you are in town for any reason or when you are home for the holidays. If you are found with any item I consider inappropriate for this program, it will be confiscated and either kept until your next trip home, or discarded depending on the item. Some of the students say we have a very strict dress code but from what I've seen you shouldn't have any trouble.
You already know about the daily schedule- classes, chores, recreation time and so on. Roughly once a month your group will go on an overnight hike or canoe trip. In the winter you'll still go on day hikes but we try to keep you close to campus since the weather can be rather unpredictable. At least once a year every student goes on a solo camp-out lasting a minimum of fourty-eight hours. This is a time for you to process everything that you've been learning and set goals for the future.
You'll have two meetings with your group each week- one general meeting on a topic that every group is discussing and one that is more specific to your group. Everything that is discussed in your group sessions is private. Obviously we insist that you don't talk about it with anyone outside of the group but we also ask that you don't use anything you hear in group to gossip with anyone else from your group. You will also have a private session with Cat once a week. Anything you tell her is confidential unless she feels that you are a threat to yourself or someone else. Occasionally she will come to me for advice about a student but she won't share any details that aren’t absolutely necessary and it won't go anywhere but me. She won't even tell Andrew unless you ask her to. In return, we hope that you will be able to trust us enough to be honest with us.
Sometimes we'll be asking really tough questions and you'll feel like we're all out to get you, but we're not. It can be hard to not to have an skewed perspective when you're in the middle of a situation. Having someone from the outside to help you see things in a new light can really make a difference if you're open to considering their view.
It's been a rough week for all of us but you seem to be settling in nicely. Your group will be heading out on solo in a few weeks and if you continue at the same pace, you'll be ready to join them." Meredith paused and studied the young girl sitting across from her. She hadn't been time to read everything, but for someone with such a thick file, Kaida seemed very well adjusted. "The most important thing to know is that we're all here for you. Anytime you need help with something or just need to talk, you can find Cat, Andrew or myself. Do you have any questions so far?"
"Do you really have wolves and bobcats on the island?" Kaida asked.
"Who told you that?"
"Does it matter? Either you do or you don't."
"There have been a few sightings, but as long as you don't provoke them you don't have anything to worry about. Around here it's the things you can't see that are more likely to cause trouble. You'll learn to purify your water on campout, read the river for signs of rapids or underwater obstacles, find your way around the island using a map and compass and recognize an approaching storm soon enough to find shelter. I know it sounds like a lot on top of your school work and chores, but wilderness education is a major part of our curriculum. Some of our students have never spent much time outdoors but they all get used to it at some point. You might even learn to enjoy it."
Kaida shrugged, "I'm cool with that. I'm not real keen on doing so much hiking though. Tires me out pretty fast, but camping out's no big deal. Sure beats some other places I've spent the night."
Meredith had read enough of the file to know that Kaida was a frequent runaway who had spent quite a bit of time on the streets. She hadn't expected Kaida to mention it so soon but really didn't have the time or energy to try and get her to elaborate on her comment. Unless she had brought it up because she wanted to talk. "Do you want to talk about why you're here?" she asked.
"How long will Cat be gone?"
"A few days, maybe longer."
"Look, no offence or anything, but if she's the one I'm going to be talking to regularly, I'd rather not get started with someone else and then have to go over everything again with Cat. It's not like it's urgent."
"That's fine," Meredith reassured her. "I really encourage you to try and open up in your sessions. We're all here to help you. Cat can be a little unconventional at times but she's a wonderful listener and has an amazing talent for saying exactly what you're struggling to find the words to explain. I hope you'll take advantage of your time with her. If there's nothing else you'd like to discuss right now, you're free to go."
"I think I'm good. I'll see you around?"
"Unless you're planning on skipping class. You're stuck with me for a history teacher until Cat gets back."
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Over the next few days, Melanie split her time between talking with Cat and writing in her journal. She would have given anything to go outside, whether it was a long hike in the rain, or five minutes watching the sunset from the front porch. She needed to get out of there, but she knew they couldn't do anything until someone came back to let them out so she didn't bother complaining. She knew that the sooner she figured out what had happened that night, the sooner they could go back to the school, so she put all her energy into remembering. It was a long process. Sometimes she felt like she was living that night all over again, but she could never pinpoint the details that Cat kept asking her for.
As she continued to think over the events that had led her to the cabin, she understood what she had been hiding, even from herself. There had been no accident. She'd done it intentionally. With that understanding came a terrifying realisation. She knew she needed help, but didn't dare tell Cat what she'd remembered. Even though Cat kept saying she was here to help, she couldn't know what had really happened. What would Cat do when she found out? Melanie couldn't take the chance of revealing the truth. Certainly not as long as they were stuck in the cabin together.
Melanie knew that she had to get the true story of that night out of her head before she talked herself into altering the memories. Digging her journal out of her pack, she began to set it down on paper. She kept dropping her pen, and finally tore off the bandages in frustration. It was the first time she had seen her arms since the incident, and the sight was strangely comforting. The pressures of the last few days of intense thinking and dealing with memories began to melt away as she traced the lines on her arms, and remembered their creation. It didn't help as much as actually cutting, but she knew it was the closest she was going to get while they were locked in. She knew that there were much better ways to deal with her problems, but found it hard to avoid the only thing that had worked for her in the past. She didn't dare tell Cat what she had done, but there was someone who already knew. You've got to help me God, she whispered. I don't know what to do.
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"You've got to calm down," Meredith urged, as she struggled to hold Melanie still. "Everything's going to be alright, but you need to calm down and let me have the knife. You don't want to do this." Meredith finally got a grip on the knife, and as she pried it out of Melanie's hand and threw it away, they both collapsed on the ground. "That was close," Meredith sighed, "You did the right thing giving it to me."
"Why did I have a knife in the first place?" Melanie asked. "You guys are always careful not to let us walk off with them."
"You had it when I got here," Meredith told her. "I came running when I heard Cat screaming and found you standing over her with the knife. I don't know where you got it or how long you two were in here, but you had time to do quite a number on her." Meredith released Melanie just enough so she could turn around. Cat was cowering in the corner. Blood ran from cuts cris-crossing her face and arms. Melanie gasped and turned away..
"I couldn't have done that. Why would I want to hurt her? There must have been someone else in here who ran away when they heard you coming. It wasn't me. Why would I do that?"
"You were holding the knife and you've got blood on your hands," Meredith pointed out.
"But I didn't hurt her," Melanie insisted. "I couldn't."
"Someone did and there's no one else here."
Melanie knew that it must have been her, but didn't remember anything. "What have I done," she sobbed. "I've never hurt anyone on purpose before. She's never going to speak to me again."
"It's alright," Cat whispered. "I'm not angry with you." Melanie looked down in surprise as Cat crawled towards them.
"I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You've got to believe me," Melanie pled.
"It's okay," Cat repeated, pulling herself up on the edge of the bed and wrapping her arms around Melanie.
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Cat came out of the bathroom to find Melanie huddled on the bed, crying. "Do you want to tell me about it?" she asked
"I was just sitting here trying to write in my journal but I kept dropping the pen. The next thing I remember, Meredith was pulling me off you." Melanie said. "I had you trapped in a corner and was going after you with a knife." Shaking, she had to stop and take a deep breath before she could continue. "There was blood all over the place, and you were so pale I was sure you were dead. I was praying that you'd wake up, but I didn't think you would. I desperately wanted you to be alright, but I knew that wasn't enough. I did this to you, and there's no way you would want anything to do with me ever again. When you woke up, you didn't say a word against me. You just got out the first aid kit and cleaned up my cuts, while the blood was still running down your arms. Then you held me while I cried. I'd just attacked you and you didn't seem to care. You should have been looking after yourself but instead you were worrying about me. It just doesn't make sense."
"There has to be a reason you wanted to hurt me. What are you upset about?" Cat asked.
"I don't know what happened. It was like a dream but I know I wasn't asleep. It was so real." she shuddered as the full horror of the moment came back to her. "There was blood everywhere and I knew it was my fault, but I'd never hurt you. I know you just want to help me. I'd never hurt anyone on purpose. I don't know what I was thinking. And you were more worried about me than about yourself. It was like you had no idea that I'd done it, but you had to have known. How could you choose to take care of me after what I did to you?"
"That's the beauty of love," Cat said quietly. "It doesn't always make sense, but it can be just what you need." She drew Melanie towards her and held her close for a moment. "No matter what you do, I'll always be here for you. There's nothing you can do to make me walk away from you. We're in this together."
"I know that," Melanie whispered through her tears. "That's why I don't understand how I could attack you. You've never done anything to deserve it."
"No one ever deserves it," Cat told her. "Not even you."
Suddenly it all made sense. The very thing that Melanie was horrified at the idea of doing to someone else was what she had been doing to herself. She knew without a doubt that she'd never cut again. Anytime she even thought about it, she knew she would see Cat bleeding on the floor yet reaching out to embrace her attacker. Cat hadn't deserved it and neither did she.
"I meant to break the mirror," she whispered to Cat. "I was really upset. I was afraid of what I might end up doing if I didn’t calm down. I didn’t know what else to do.” She looked up cautiously at Cat, waiting for the condemnation she was expecting but instead Cat smiled at her.
"Now we're getting somewhere," she said, reaching for the radio. "We'll be ready to come home in a few days," she told Meredith. "See you then."
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