Symbiosis

Okay, this isn't the first chapter to my story, but it's about a page and a half of it. I wanted to get some honest opinions and reviews to see if people would actually read the rest. Cheers

Have in mind I struggled for whatever reason during this ..

Symbiosis

Introduction

Thousands of flashes all went off at once. Hundreds of voices swarmed throughout the air. Microphones were being thrown left, right and centre with the names of radio shows on.

“Madame Gill! Madame Gill”

These two words were repeatedly yelled; in fact, they were the only things being yelled. Madame Gill was a very famous gardener, which a very unfortunate destiny. She was a 37 year old woman, with a fairly popular blonde-bob hairstyle, and she almost always wore dungarees. She was extensively wealthy and had recently bought herself 53 acres of land; equivalent to 214, 483.39 m2. Although gardening doesn’t seem like an interesting topic, in 1987, it was all the rage. Even children were over the moon for getting a plant for Christmas!

Madame Gill never usually showed herself in public because of such paparazzi, but today she and several other famous people were going on a vacation to the Bahamas that would most definitely be there last, but Madame Gill had heard of the tropical plant life that grew here, and she couldn’t resist visiting and taking some samples home.

The plane was a rusty pallid and was splattered with ochre patches of rust. This of course was the average look for a plane in the 1987, but if the people had taken more notice in the plane’s condition, a fatal disaster could have been avoided…

Chapter one:
Airborne

A ball of what looked like charcoal was pushed against my cheek. I turned, rather bewildered at first, before I found that is was just another microphone. Rage and fury began to swell within my gut; my attempts to suppress it getting weaker and weaker as the microphone went in further and further. I lifted my hand and elegantly swayed it in order to bat the microphone away. Being famous, you can’t slip up at all. Aggression gets you in the papers for all the wrong reasons.

Fortunately, famous people like me rarely ever encounter getting in the papers for the wrong reasons because we have faithful body guards who take care of pests for us. Gregory and Arthur, my own personal body guards, cleared the path to board the plane. I waved to my fans and posed briefly for the paparazzi – I had to cut them some slack since it was there job after all – then quite quickly ran into the plane.

Metal and fuel leaked in from outside and caused me to gag. It may have looked posh on the inside, but this plane reeked! I muttered profanities under my breath; how dare they put me on such a lower-class plane. Outraged, I settled down onto one of the velvety seats and pulled my scarf over my nose. My agent, Henry, smiled and patted my knee.

“It’s just some petrol, once they close the doors it will go away. Or is it that you’re nervous?” He asked me in a rather soft tone, almost as if he was talking to a child.

I pondered whether or not he was pulling my leg and treating me like this as a joke, or whether he was being sensitive because it was my first plane ride. Yes, that’s right – my first plane ride. I usually travelled by boat, but since my destination was further than my regular holidays I had had, I had to take a plane. I trusted boats and ferries more because they were closer to the ground than some junk of metal chugging through the sky. As a child, I was even told a story that one day the air currents changed and were actually pushing down, causing a plane to crash! Impossible, I know, but at the age of five you can’t blame me for being gullible.

Wow, for only the first part of a chapter and the intro this is very good.
You definatly hook the reader and that's what's important in a first chapter. But, as always, i have to point out three things:

going on a vacation to the Bahamas that would most definitely be there last

O.K, take out 'that would most definatly be there last', because you have just told the plot. Leave that until the end of the intro and make it mysterious...oh wait...you've already done that...well done!
(By the way if you decide to leave it in, because it is your choice, 'there' should be 'their')

Gregory and Arthur, my own personal body guards,

This doesn't sound quite right. Don't bother repeating 'body guards', just say their names and the reader will get the idea.

further than my regular holidays I had had, I had to take a plane.

This doesn't make sense. Take out the 'I had had,' and leave it as that. It should sound better.

This is a really good piece. Start writing more and post it! Pm if you have questions!
X BlackRose X

I think it sounds like a fairly interesting story. But why did you change perpectives after the introduction? I guess I understand it was just the introduction so you put it in third person point of view, but I personally think it would have been better from her point of view.

I'm actually writing a novel right now (I've actually been writing it for four years) about a boy whose father is famous. Don't expect to ever read it because it's one of the things I wouldn't show to a stranger unlike the rest of my writing. But I've put myself into my main characters life and all the things his dad has to go through. And I can see that in your story, but I'm having a hard time understanding why she's famous. I mean if you think about our world today would a gardner be famous? Maybe a singer or an actor or actress would be, but a gardner? That's just my thoughts on it, and I don't want to sound like I'm being rude.

But it sounds like a good idea if you can get passed exactly why she's famous. Famous people, Vampiries, werewolfs, and witches is what's in right now. So I can totally understand why you decided to write this.

I hope you keep writing!

I think this was a very good story. I got a bit confused at some points like when you're talking about 'Madame Gill' and then you're saying 'I', so are you talking about Madame Gill still or are you talking about yourself or someone else.

I didn't really get what the title 'Symbiosis' really meant; if you put another bit of the story on, try and hide in the text what it meant so the reader really understands it. I thought you really tried hard on this story and I loved it.

This is now Charlotte's dad typing. Thank you for your kind comments on Charlotte's piece. I'll explain what Symbiosis means to Charlotte and point out that perhaps its not up to the author to explain words - the reader could use a dictionary!

I have made a few comments below. Overall, I don't have much to say as no plot has yet been developed (understandably)
However, punctuation and grammar are good so lets see some more! A good start to a story.


Thousands of flashes all went off at once. Hundreds of voices swarmed throughout the air. Microphones were being thrown left, right and centre with the names of radio shows on.

“Madame Gill! Madame Gill”

These two words were repeatedly yelled; in fact, they were the only things being yelled. Madame Gill was a very famous gardener, which (with?)a very unfortunate destiny. She was a 37 year old woman, with a fairly popular blonde-bob hairstyle, and she almost always wore dungarees. She was extensively wealthy and had recently bought herself 53 acres of land; equivalent to 214, 483.39 m2. Although gardening doesn’t seem like an interesting topic, in 1987, it was all the rage. Even children were over the moon for getting a plant for Christmas!

Madame Gill never usually showed herself in public because of such paparazzi, but today she and several other famous people were going on a vacation to the Bahamas that would most definitely be there (their)last, but Madame Gill had heard of the tropical plant life that grew here, and she couldn’t resist visiting and taking some samples home.

The plane was a rusty pallid (colour?)and was splattered with ochre patches of rust. This of course was the average look for a plane in the1987, but if the people had taken more notice in of the plane’s condition, a fatal disaster could have been avoided…



Chapter one:

Airborne




A ball of what looked like charcoal was pushed against my cheek. I turned, rather bewildered at first, before I found that is was just another microphone. Rage and fury began to swell within my gut; my attempts to suppress it getting weaker and weaker as the microphone went in further and further. I lifted my hand and elegantly swayed it in order to bat the microphone away. Being famous, you can’t slip up at all. Aggression gets you in the papers for all the wrong reasons.

Fortunately, famous people like me rarely ever encounter getting in the papers for the wrong reasons because we have faithful body guards who take care of pests for us. Gregory and Arthur, my own personal body guards, cleared the path to board the plane. I waved to my fans and posed briefly for the paparazzi – I had to cut them some slack since it was there job after all – then quite quickly ran into the plane.

Metal and fuel leaked in from outside and caused me to gag. It may have looked posh on the inside, but this plane reeked! I muttered profanities under my breath; how dare they put me on such a lower-class plane. Outraged, I settled down onto one of the velvety seats and pulled my scarf over my nose. My agent, Henry, smiled and patted my knee.

“It’s just some petrol, once they close the doors it will go away. Or is it that you’re nervous?” He asked me in a rather soft tone, almost as if he was talking to a child.

I pondered whether or not he was pulling my leg and treating me like this as a joke, or whether he was being sensitive because it was my first plane ride. Yes, that’s right – my first plane ride. I usually travelled by boat, but since my destination was further than my regular holidays I had had, I had to take a plane. I trusted boats and ferries more because they were closer to the ground than some junk of metal chugging through the sky. As a child, I was even told a story that one day the air currents changed and were actually pushing down, causing a plane to crash! Impossible, I know, but at the age of five you can’t blame me for being gullible.

Hi! Kyle here and I guess I'll review your book,

I typically don't like gardening. However, This book was truely interesting. I thought there might have been mistakes here and there, but then again I am only thirteen. So anyway I hope that you will keep writing. This story could turn out really well


Sincerely,
Kyle