Kanananes Sorrow

Greetings,

This is a section of my story Kanananes Sorrow. This is the very first part well some of it I do hope to get the rest up in time. I hope you enjoy looking over it and or reading it.
If you wish the rest to be put up I do hope you will message me or will leave comments. I do thank you for taking the time to read this work.

Sincerely thanking you,
Loreena




The poor alone female pup cried, she was small and almost helpless as she looked up toward the dark figure of the two-legger that stared at her, something large and heavy pointed toward her. Her small blue orbs widened slightly to a almost sweet size as they became a sky baby blue her small white pelt bristled as a large monster to her came into view a dark obsidian male wolf stood above the her tiny bodice as it lowered its head with a deep monstrous growl that deafened her tiny ears and shook her frame with fright. A tiny gasp forced itself from her partially open maw she let out a piercing cry of fright the tiny whimper caused the canine that towered over her to snarl and grit its large imposing fangs at her. She slowly back toward the den in which she thought she would be safe
"M-M-Mom will come and rescue me or Daddy. I know it!" She yelped as she continued to back up her tiny heart pounded at her small chest as her frame shook a sudden loud crack was heard as blood splattered within the den she yelped loudly as a pain hit her small flank another crack was heard as her small azure orbs slid close and her body slumped and slid down the entrance creating a skid mark of crimson as her small body landed at the bottom of the den her tiny heart beating trying to hold on to any sliver of life she had left desperate to see her warm mothers smile again, she tried with all her tiny might to stay within the world of the living ones but slowly she lost the battle her body stopping its struggling against the cold terra. Her paws stopped short as she curled slightly her tongue licked her tender nose for a brief moment as she let out a single whine before her breath was taken by the angel of death and the young pup was still for all time. Her body now just a lifeless corpse that was once full of youth and playfulness laid upon the cold floor.
The two small brothers of the young female were unaware of the death of their sweet sister Fusha. They happily played within the green grasses tumbling and nipping at each other with a feisty playfulness they had so much energy that it was hard for even the parents to keep up, "Come on Nerano keep up!" one of the young males barked slightly his pelt had brushes of obsidian along his back bone that braced his ribs slightly and tainted his tail furs. His small banner waved in the air rapidly his small paws patting the earth with every step almost like the 'tip tip tip' of a human child’s feet upon a hard floor. His brother Nerano, leaped toward him shaking the large flowers that grew around the field his golden eyes wide with sweet innocent delight his maw open with a happy almost smile look his small tongue hung from his mouth as he chased his brother with a young laugh, " Yano! it’s not fair! You’re the tallest!" He complained slightly as he followed his pure white pelt reflecting the afternoon sun’s rays and giving him an almost glowing appearance. " Well dummy maybe if you worked on not eating so much!" Yano taunted while wagging his hind around rapidly with a bright smirk plastered on his muzzle " Don't call me a dummy, Moron!" Nerano snapped at his brother his tiny fangs almost nicking his bother alabaster muzzle. Yano jumped back with a feisty look appearing in his fantastically blue orbs as his small tail swayed rapidly behind him. “I’m no moron...” he pause a moment to think of a good word then shouted with a loud triumphant voice “TARD!" He shrieked the last word in laughter as he leaped from side to side like a small over-energetic rabbit on a sideways hopping spree. Nerano let out a small growl that squeaked and tweaked slightly as he was still very young and had not yet hit his adult age being only a month or so old. Yano let out a growl of his own as he pounced on his brother toppling clumsily over him as his paws large for his small size batted and swatted at his brothers exposed stomach. Nerano kicked around and growled nipping and biting at his brother’s shoulders and any other part he could get to with a vengeance to get him back for the taunts he had delivered earlier. Yano let out various growl and yips of many different pitches as well as Nerano as they tumbled and wrestled wildly around the jade grasses, their pelts were tickled and brushed softly by the grasses and slightly dirtied by the various patches of soft loamy soil that dotted the great green and flowered field, Nerano finally stopped rolling as he pinned his brother beneath him with a smug smile. " Got ya!" He yipped in victory as his brother squirmed uselessly underneath him. " You fucking...."he paused in his speech to think of an insult as one snapped into his tiny mind. " Dung heap, ghoulish, flying raven ,turd!" He

This was really good. I like the way you expressed your sentences and made me as the reader feel as if I was watching the scene unfold before me.

Hello, Loreena ! Oh, and welcome to YWS .

I'm Pernicious and I'll be happy to review this for you! I will highlight mistakes in red, then highlight things I have added in in green, then comment below them. Highlights in blue will be epic sentences and strikeouts will of course be unnecessary words of punctuation.

The poor, alone female pup cried; she was small and almost helpless as she looked up towards the dark figure of the two-legger that stared at her, something large and heavy pointed toward her. Her small, blue orbs widened slightly to an almost sweet size as they became a sky baby blue. Her small white pelt bristled as a large monster to her came into view a dark, obsidian male wolf stood above the her tiny bodice as it lowered its head with a deep, monstrous growl that deafened her tiny ears and shook her frame with fright. A tiny gasp forced itself from her partially open maw she let out a piercing cry of fright. The tiny whimper caused the canine that towered over her to snarl and grit its large imposing fangs at her.

First off, this grabbed my attention, since I am very fond of wolves, and it does reel in my curiousity as to why she's alone. Although it's good that it jumps straight into the action, this first section still leaves me rather puzzled as to why she's alone. Maybe you should start with a little background detail, then gradually enter the story. Second of all; commas are you friends! Especially when listing descriptive language. And also, read this thorugh and take some breaths throughout it. I have to admit, reading it without the full stops or commas I added deprived me of all oxygen, but thse are common mistakes Another thing, bodice and frame? I assume you're talking about her body, and although bodice may sound relevant, it is actually an article of clothing. But I do however like the fact you've tried to use an extensive amount of varied vocabulary and a great amount of detail about the pup.

"M-M-Mom will come and rescue me or Daddy. I know it!" She yelped as she continued to back up; her tiny heart pounding at her small chest. As her frame shook, a sudden loud crack was heard and blood splattered within the den. She yelped loudly as apain hit her small flank and another crack was heard. Her small, azure orbs slid closed and her body slumped and slid down the entrance, creating a skid mark of crimson. Her small body landed at the bottom of the den her, tiny heart beating and trying to hold on to any sliver of life she had left; desperate to see her warm mother's smile again, she tried with all her tiny might to stay within the world of the living ones but slowly she lost the battle. Her body stopping its struggling against the cold terrain. Her paws stopped short as she curled, slightly her tongue licked her tender nose for a brief moment and she let out a single whine before her breath was taken by the angel of death and the young pup was still for all time. Her body now just a lifeless corpse that was once full of youth and playfulness laid upon the cold floor.

In this paragraph, I thought you used as a little too much instead of and. Use a variety of them both, as well as other conjuctions. Read through the parts in red, I won't list them, but try to figure them out yourself, if not PM me. This paragraph was a favourite of mine, the scene was extremely easy to understand and I could picture this happening infront of me. Although, it is quite gruesome and depressing that a pup has to die, it touched me, especially that final sentence.

I'll wrap this up now, I've only reviewed the first section, hopefully somebody will review the other part of this story for you.

The two small brothers of the young female were unaware of the death of their sweet sister Fusha. They happily played within the green grasses, tumbling and nipping at each other with a feisty playfulness. They had so much energy that it was hard for even the parents to keep up, "Come on Nerano keep up!" one of the young males barked slightly. His pelt had brushes of obsidian along his back bone that braced his ribs slightly and tainted his tail furs.

A lovely paragraph that lifted the spirit of the story. You gave me the impression this would be a very sad story all about that one pup, but you've livened up your story some more and drew me back in. And the reason I have highlighted green in red was vecause I felt you could use a lot more description here and another word for green, like emerald perhaps. Apart from that, the end was so descriptive! I could picture that pup with ease! You're got a lot or potential, Loreena, and I hope to see some more from you!

-Pernicious.