Mystery in Mayfield [1/3]

"There's a coffin in the park."

"What?" Elizabeth balanced the phone on her shoulder as she grabbed another slice of pizza. "What's in the park?"

"A coffin," said Maybell. "A big wooden one. Under the tree -- you know, by the swingset. Jason and I found it this morning."

Elizabeth chewed thoughtfully and carried her plate to the couch. She was watching Jack the Ripper vs. Godzilla for the second time that summer.

"A coffin. Like, for dead people."

"Yeah."

"So what's it doing there?"

"How am I supposed to know? That's kinda what we're wondering."

"Huh... weird."

"Really weird. We tried to pry the lid off with a crowbar, but it wouldn't budge."

"Wait -- you think someone's in there?"

"You don't?"

"Doubt it," muttered Elizabeth. "Probably just a stunt. Some kids pulling a prank."

Maybell paused.

"Well, we're going back tomorrow. Just to listen."

"Listen?" Elizabeth laughed. "What do you expect to hear?" She pictured her two friends seated around a coffin like a 30's family around an antique radio.

"Well --"

"What?"

"Jason swears he heard something move inside it."

"Oh, Jason heard something, huh?"

"It's not a joke!" Maybell said. "I heard it myself! Sort of. Like -- something rustling. Like a hand brushing against --"

"Please. You need to stop taking that new medication."

Elizabeth watched the television as Godzilla rampaged through London, knocking down buildings with his tail. But the Ripper was too smart. He was cooped up in Big Ben.

"I am not on any medication," Maybell said. "Maybe you should come hear it yourself."

"Call me when you open it, okay?"

"I told you, we tried. It won't budge."

"Uh-huh. Well, I can't go tomorrow anyway. I'm babysitting a couple of brats."

"Oh -- gross. The Major pains again?"

"Very same."

"Heh. Good luck. You're braver than me."

"Yeah, or dumber."

Maybell laughed. "I'll try to call sometime. Distract you from the torture."

When the conversation ended, Elizabeth settled back in. She was eager to reach the part of her film where the British attempt to pacify Godzilla with a charming comedic duo.

* * * *

"Why do we have to colour, Liz? Let's redecorate your house. These walls are like the inside of a toilet."

"Nathan, I swear --"

"All right, all right." He raised his hands in mock surrender. "Just kidding. Don't go ballistic."

The next afternoon Elizabeth found herself at the kitchen table, trying to entertain her guests. Only an hour had passed and already they were grinding her nerves.

"Liz, there's not enough roooom!" Nora said, shoving the ice cream carton away from her drawing.

Elizabeth put the melted ice cream back in the freezer. She'd forgotten to clean up after last night's binge, and the kitchen was a total pig sty.

"My dad doesn't like it when you aren't prepared," Nathan said as Elizabeth sat back down. His chin was cupped in his hands and his elbows rested on the tabletop. "How do you get away with this, anyway? Aren't your parents ever around?"

Elizabeth's brown eyes narrowed.

"They work. I have the whole house to myself."

"Lucky."

"Think again. I still have to babysit you."

And she meant it.

She'd been babysitting the Major siblings since June. Normally she wasn't a masochist, but her best friend, Nadine, was in Europe for the summer, and when she got back Elizabeth wanted to have enough money to celebrate.

Unfortunately, cash didn't come cheap.

Nora could be a pest, but Nathan was the main problem. It wasn't his personality Elizabeth hated. Just his brain. It made him do stupid things. Worse, he was old enough to believe he could take care of himself, and had nothing to offer a babysitter but resentment.

Elizabeth tried to be nice. She really did. But the boy would not reciprocate. He'd interrupt all day, only to clam up when asked a question.

He did this, Elizabeth knew, to annoy.

It worked.

Nathan tugged his blue cap to the right. Elizabeth had never seen what lay beneath it.

His eyes darted across the room.

"This place is so boring. I can't believe we have to spend our whole day at your house just because you were dumb enough to break my mom's vase."

Elizabeth was no longer welcome in the Major home.

She squeezed her eyes shut.

"If your mom didn't want her vase broken, why'd she put it at the bottom of the stairs?"

"Because no one told her about your big fat feet. If it weren't for you I'd be playing video games instead of drawing pictures."

"Shut up," said Elizabeth. "I'm not in the mood."

"Why should I have to shut up just because you have a hangover?"

"I do not have a hangover. Please drop it."

"Just like my parents," Nathan said. "Bossy bossy bossy."

He reached over the table and grabbed a new marker.

Elizabeth turned to Nora, who was busy with her crayons and looked unimpressed with her older brother. A garish barrette was perched on her head, and her frown said she'd rather be home playing Barbies. It wasn't saying much, but Elizabeth liked her more than Nathan. At least the girl didn't hate her.

"So Nora, what've you been up to lately?"

That was all it took.

Nora began to describe her morning routine in painstaking detail, and by the time she was working on her third all-pink rainbow she was telling Elizabeth about her summer. Apparently she hadn't had a crush on Greg Finn, but everyone said she did, so Greg told Nora that he liked her too, but Nora couldn't lie to him: she replied that he always smelled like bubblegum, and she hated bubblegum.

"Can you believe that?" Nathan said. "At her age I had a world-class collection under my desk."

Elizabeth smiled in spite of herself. "How's your summer been, Nathan?"

"My summer?"

"Yes, your summer." Elizabeth leaned back in her chair. "What've you done? You're always running around with your little friends, aren't you?"

Nathan raised his eyebrow. "I don't think you can handle it."

"Oooh," Elizabeth teased. "Too hot? Well, break out the ovenmitts."

"Why do you care, anyway?"

"Um, excuse me?" She pretended to act offended. "I am not allowed to have an interest in other people's lives?"

"You can," Nathan said, adding a detail to his drawing. "But should you?"

"He just does dumb stuff," Nora said. "Especially when he's around Derek."

"Shut up, Nora."

Elizabeth grinned. "Now, Nathan. You know you're too young to have a boyfriend."

Nora burst into giggles.

"He's just a friend of mine," said Nathan. He fixed his eyes back on his paper.

"Nathan thinks Derek's so cool," Nora continued. "He always follows him around and does whatever he says."

"They're not that cool though, are they?" said Elizabeth.

Nora shook her head. "It's always stupid stuff, anyway. Like eating from a trash can." She made a face.

Elizabeth laughed. "What? He ate from a trash can?"

"I didn't eat from a trash can," Nathan spat, his cheeks flushing. "Stop making things up, Nora."

"You did!" Nora said. "Because you were too chicken to do his other dare!"

"Liar! Nora, when --"

"All right, all right -- cool it you two," Elizabeth said, putting her hands between them. Nathan looked ready to blow his top, and a sibling war was not on the agenda. "Let's just be quiet. Nice and quiet."

Nora pursed her lips and leaned back over her drawing.

"Maybe if she'd stop making things up," said Nathan under his breath. "'Sides, Liz, what've you done that's so great? It's the middle of summer -- and you're babysitting."

Elizabeth frowned. "I only do this for money, Nathan. I know you love mooching off your parents, but I have standards."

Truthfully, he had a point. This summer hadn't turned out as planned, not since Nadine left. Hanging out with Jason and Maybell just wasn't the same.

"Sure," Nathan said. He clenched his jaw and stabbed his paper with a marker. "I'm done drawing. Can't we watch a movie or something?"

"No!" Nora said. "I'm still drawing."

"You don't have to watch it."

"But I wanna watch it."

"Fine, let's go watch it."

"No! I'm still drawing."

Elizabeth sighed. "Are you almost finished, Nora?"

"Yes, almost."

Nathan scowled and leaned over to see her paper. "What is that, anyway? You're just scribbling."

"Am not."

Elizabeth peered over Nora's shoulder.

"Yeah... what is that? I thought you didn't like using brown."

The girl looked up from her artwork and eyed Elizabeth like she was an ignoramus. "You mean you haven't heard?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "Heard what?"

"W-e-e-ll," Nora began, glancing down at her picture with a smirk. "There's a coffin in the park. Haley saw it. She and her brother. And it's by the swingset."

"Oh -- yeah, my friend told me about that. Pretty weird."

Nora looked disappointed. "You know what's inside, though, don't you?"

"Who knows?"

"I know. Haley told me. She heard from her brother."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Do you want to know what?"

"Sure."

"A vampire, that's what." Nora began colouring the sides of the casket. "Haley's brother said vampires have to sleep during the day, and they have to sleep in coffins. He says this is probably a really old vampire who's come to feed on the town."

Elizabeth smiled at Nathan and shook her head.

"Do you believe in vampires?" she asked Nora.

"Maybe. I've never seen one before. But I've never seen a unicorn, either, and they still exist."

"You've never seen a unicorn?" Nathan said. "I just saw one in the garden this morning."

Nora made a face at him. "Did not."

"Did so. Had a horn on its head and everything."

After Nora put the finishing touches on her masterpiece, Elizabeth fixed a bucket of microwave popcorn and let the kids sit down to watch one of her videotapes. They chose War of the Robots.

She stretched out on the couch and cracked a bag of Doritos, happy that Nathan and Nora liked television as much as she did.

Around four o'clock, the phone rang. It was Maybell.

"Liz, you have to hear this."





* * * *





Part two HERE.

i liked it from the beginning very very goood!!! review mine please? thank you xx

Hey there, I love were you are taking this story. You have great details, naration, and dialouge. Can't wait to read part two of this story, keep writing.

So you do write!

I thought this was cute. It's well-written. The dialogue is realistic.

But it's also kind of boring and, at times, a lot of the conversations are irrelevant. I feel that, while Nora and Nathan are cute and give Elizabeth something to do, they're just there when they don't really need to be. And her conversation with Maybell is a pretty cheap way to introduce the coffin to the readers. It's like Maybell (whose gender we don't even find out) calls up the readers to deliver the news on a silver platter and then hangs up. Since they're talking heads, there's no character description, and definitely no reaction or emotion. I understand that Elizabeth is doubtful and not terribly interested, but Maybell at least seems a little bit excited, and I think you could show that more. Right now that entire first scene is very lackluster, and doesn't set the coffin up as anything important.

Personally, I'd rework the scenes a bit and probably start with the babysitting. Then Maybell calls while Liz is babysitting, Nora overhears their conversation and gets excited about the coffin. Here we never get any input from Nathan about the rumor-- he seems to me like the kind of guy who's too cool to worry about stuff like that, and then you could have a little sibling argument. I just feel like the beginning needs something more in order to entice readers to continue.

Anyway, your prose is very clean and concise, but it's like a sketch of something and I think this story deserves some more fleshing out.

~Evi

Hey there!

This is really good.

Quotes 'N' Comments

"Oh, Jason heard something, huh?"

I find the 'Jason' in this sentence a weird part to emphasize. I think the better word to italicize would be 'heard.' Try saying it out loud, and choose which one sounds better. There would only be one incident, from what I can think of, where the 'Jason' being emphasized here would be accurate. That would be if Jason had some inside joke behind him. Something like he makes up lies a lot trying to scare people, or that the Maybelle character likes him. If there is an inside joke, say it. Right there. I think it would be fun to have a joke in there, to lighten things up a bit? Your story starts out really intense and focused, add a little fun to it.

"All right, all right." He raised his hands in mock surrender. "Just kidding. Don't go ballistic."

I think you do a great job on his character. All of his lines seem realistic to the type of personality he has. Except for this on, in my opinion. I don't know any child - no matter how smart they are - that acts like that, and I work with kids. And, I don't know if from your country is different (you spell it colour so I'm guessing you're not from America) but from what I've observed no one really does the mock-surrender gesture. So maybe rethink it? Just an opinion.

Dialogue

So my thoughts on dialogue seem to contradict the other reviewers. I think that your dialogue starts off unrealistic, but then gets better as it goes on. I don't know exactly how you would go about it, but I think in the beginning those three characters, Maybelle, Jason and Elizabeth, don't really sound like teenagers, which is obviously what they are, judging by the fact that she is babysitting. I think it might be how much they are interested in this mysterious coffin. I don't think teenagers would be that interested, but then again I've never seen a coffin in a park before, so I don't know how I would react. I think Elizabeth's reaction is how all of them would be. Just something to consider.

Characters

Elizabeth is really cool. She is one of those female characters that anyone could relate to. She is the everyman in your story, and I love it when the everyman is the main character. I talk the same way, do the same things, and think the same way she does because I am a teenager, so awesome! The little boy, Nathan, is also pretty good. You knew exactly what he could say to get to Elizabeth without going too far out there. And the way that he and his sister react to each other is key in making it seem realistic, and you nailed it. I wouldn't change anything about these characters. I think the number one thing I liked about this was how you have Nathan say "My dad doesn't like it when you're unprepared" or something like that, talking about the mess. Since I work with kids, I have a pretty good feeling about how they act, and this is exactly what a kid would say: repeat what they're parents have said aloud.

Plot

I don't really know where this is going yet, but from this first part you have made me excited and wanting to read more. I think you ended well, doing that whole ending-with-a-mystery thing that makes readers want to read more. I think that one thing would be that when you do have Elizabeth go and look at the coffin finally, have her a little excited. Because even though she seems skeptical about this coffin, it's still a mystery and everyone gets excited for the unknown.

Keep writing,

Classy