CHAPTER NINE
The pounding on the door continued. "I know you're in there," a stern male voice shouted from the front porch. Reminding herself to breathe as she crept silently towards the bathroom door, she double-checked that the lock was secure before closing herself into the furthest stall. Drawing her feet up so that she was invisible from the outside and wrapping her arms around her knees to try and control the shaking she strained to catch any sound which could convince her that the man had left. She focussed on not giving away any hint of her location but the pounding of her heart echoed in her ears so loud that she knew he had to be hearing it too. Tucking her head into her arms, she waited silently, praying that he wouldn't find be able to find her.
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“Why do I even bother anymore?” Janika asked herself as she stood by the window looking off down the trail towards the beach. As the days grew shorter and chilly winds reminded everyone that winter was quickly approaching, more and more people had begun taking refuge indoors whenever they had the chance but there were a few people who still enjoyed a moonlit walk. Janika wasn’t one of those people. “Every time I get close to someone, they take off on me. Even Beth. It’s just not worth it. I can’t lose anyone else. ”
“I know what you mean,” Andrew told her. “I think we’ve all felt abandoned at some point, but we can’t just give up on people. Everyone needs someone to support them when things get rough even if they don’t want to admit it. No one can survive going through life all alone, at least not for long. I’ve seen too many people who think they can make it on their own end up in over their heads. It’s easy to think that connections can only lead to pain and loss, but without connections everyone ends up lost and that’s not a good thing either. The tricky part is finding the balance.”
“What if it never balances out?”
“I realise I have no right to say this,” Kaida admitted, “but consider what Beth would have to say if she was a part of this conversation. I think she’d be insisting that building relationships and supporting each other is so important that it’s worth the risk. She’d be completely against you withdrawing from everyone and I think she’d refuse to let it happen. I know you’re really having a hard time right now, but can’t you give us another chance like Beth would want you to. As long as we’re here we’re stuck with each other so we may as well make the best of it.”
“Beth was a real believer in community but all of that went up in smoke the day she disappeared,” Janika replied. “We’re all dealing with things in our own way and in our own time. Trying to force people to adjust when they’re not ready just ends up making everything worse. We can’t even get through an hour of group without someone getting into a fight. Forced community is the last thing we need right now.”
“Eventually things will have to start getting better,” Marshall commented. “There’s usually a limit to how bad things can get before they start improving.”
“But when will that be?” Janika asked. “It sure hasn’t gotten any easier so far.”
“Hang in there,” Kaida encouraged her. “Take time to deal with everything that has happened but don’t let yourself get bogged down in it. Give yourself permission to smile and have fun again. Someday the sun will come out and you’ll be glad you didn’t give up.”
“It just doesn’t seem right, not this soon,” Janika whispered. “Nothing feels right. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I just don’t know.”
“Take it one day at a time,” Kaida told her. “You’ll be surprised at what can happen if you just give yourself the chance.”
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"Hurry up in there," Kaida called, as she knocked on the door. "This isn’t your own private bathroom. Some of us have things to do in there too." When there was no answer she turned the knob again. Definitely locked. "I don't know what you're up to but if you don't let me in I'm going to have to find Andrew."
"No," Christina implored. "You don't need to do that. Please ... don't."
"Are you going to let me in?"
Tiptoeing to the door, Christina paused as she reached for the handle. Taking a deep breath, she turned the knob, shrinking back into the corner as the click of the lock startled her, echoed throughout the silent room. "Finally," Kaida grumbled as she pushed the door open. "What took you so long?" As she caught sight of Christina, pale and shaking, huddled behind the door, Kaida's frustration turned to concern. "What's wrong?" she asked gently. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," Christina whispered. "Just give me a few minutes."
"You look anything but fine," Kaida commented. "If you tell me what's going on I might be able to help."
"I don't need help. I just need some time to calm down."
Kaida studied her face for a moment before carefully relocking the door and crouching down beside Christina. "Who are you hiding from?" she asked quietly.
"No one," Christina insisted.
"You're clearly terrified of someone. Who is it?"
"No one! I've had a rough day and needed a few minutes alone. That's all."
"You're pressed into that corner like you'd give anything to just disappear. You've barely make a sound since I got here and you flinch every time I move or make noise. Who is he?"
Christina didn't answer.
"Look," Kaida sighed. "I know I haven't been here long and you probably aren't sure you can trust me but I'm just trying to help. Whatever happened isn't going to magically go away. If you won't talk to me, will you at least let me help you find someone you can talk to?"
"Talking won't help. Trying to reason with him when he gets like this just upsets him more. As long as I can stay out of his way until he falls asleep nothing will happen. Come morning he'll have forgotten all about this."
"But will you get over it that easily?"
"I know how to take care of myself," Christina hissed. "Now either shut up or go away. I can't risk him finding me because you don't know when to be quiet."
"Janika and I are working on our homework in the dorm. Will you at least come out and sit with us so you don't have to be in here all alone."
"Just go...please...I'll be fine."
Recognizing that any further attempts to talk Christina down would only make her more upset, Kaida slipped out of the room, drawing the door carefully shut. Walking back into the dorm she heard the nearly silent click as Christina locked the door behind her.
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“Have you heard from Cat recently?” Andrew asked Meredith as they searched the kitchen for some leftover snacks to take to group. “Did she say when they’ll be coming back?”
“She called me this afternoon. She hopes to be back in two or three days but it could be longer. What’s the rush?”
“It’s been a long week,” Andrew sighed. “If the kids were acting anything like they have been the past few days I can understand why Cat was so upset with me for disappearing on her the night we came back from our hike.” “What have they done that I haven’t already heard about?”
“We have yet to get through a group without someone starting a fight or at least a yelling match. The other teachers have been complaining that they’re not focussing in class and many of them aren’t doing their homework. I’ve heard of several students storming out of class and refusing to come back. Basically everyone’s really on edge and they take the slightest excuse to make a scene . I know we’ve all been through a lot these past week so I’m trying not to be too hard on the kids but if they keep this up I’m going to have to do something. I just don’t want to make things even worse.”
“We all need time to process what everything that has happened and I know that each person reacts differently to loss, but I think the sooner we go back to the regular rules and expectations the sooner the kids can adapt and move on. The more we let them get away with, the more they’ll act up.”
“Beth has been with us for more than a year and now she’s dead. How can you expect us to just forget her and move on?” Andrew asked, his voice low and tight.
“I’m not asking you to forget about Beth,” Meredith responded. “I don’t plan to, but we’ve got to focus on the other kids too. They all need us.”
“You just don’t want anyone else finding out that another student died out here,” Andrew glared, his eyes cold as he turned away barely managing not to slam the door on his way out. He knew that he needed to calm down before he lost control of his anger and did something he’d regret.
Meredith rushed after him. Catching up with Andrew as he hurried through the woods, she matched his pace but he refused to look at her. Stepping in front of him she tried to make eye contact but he simply headed off in a different direction. Finally she grabbed his arm, twisting it behind his back and forcing him to a stop against a large tree. She preferred not to use violence but knew that sometimes it was necessary. The last time she’d seen Andrew this upset he’d taken a crowbar to the dock and would have kept going if Jason hadn’t stepped in.
“In the twelve years since we met, have you ever known me to stretch or ignore the truth?” Meredith asked quietly. “There’s no value in telling every single person who comes here about all the mistakes that have happened, but that doesn’t mean that anyone is trying to cover up Beth’s death.”
“Still doesn’t seem right to me,” Andrew muttered. “Won’t you let me up already?”
“Beth grew so much while she was here,” Meredith continued, not letting up her hold on Andrew. “She’d be the first to attribute that to you and Cat. I miss her too, but the rest of the students still need us. Living in the past won’t help them. You do still want to help them, don’t you?” Immediately she wished she could take it back. With the mood he was in right now, Andrew likely to take her comment the wrong way and think she was asking him to quit.
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Andrew usually spent an hour or two in his office each evening but tonight the office building was quiet. She knocked on his cabin door, but no one answered. As she headed back towards the main campus, Kaida caught sight of several people in the distance. Their voices, though indistinct were passionate. If they weren’t already fighting, they were close and whoever came to break up the fight would be able to tell her where Andrew was. Carefully keeping a safe distance to avoid getting involved, Kaida crept through the trees as close as she dared.
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“Your students need you Andrew. We all do. Cat will be back in a few days and the kids will eventually settle down. Things will get better. I can’t speak for anyone else but I promise I won’t forget Beth.” Meredith looked over at Andrew who had finally stopped struggling. “If I let you up will you still listen to me?” Andrew nodded and she stepped back. Glancing around cautiously he wondered if she expected him to apologize. She’d certainly be happy if he admitted that he knew he should have behaved better but he wasn’t sure he could be sincere quite yet. Just because she was his boss didn’t mean that he had to pretend she hadn’t gotten rough with him.
“I think you’ve said enough for one night,” he replied sharply.
“Five more minutes,” she told him. “I need to show you something.” Without waiting for a response she headed towards her cabin listening to Andrew’s footsteps as he followed her reluctantly. What she didn’t notice was the third person following them.
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Nudging the bathroom door open as they walked down the hall Meredith gestured towards the photos surrounding the mirror. “Every morning I pray for each of our students.” Stepping into her bedroom she reached for one of the photos spread over her closet door and passed it to Andrew. “Every night I pray for all of our graduates. For those who have gone back to their families, out to work or off to college. For Jessie, Alex, Jordan, Beth. They may not have had the chance to graduate from high school but they’ve had the best graduation of all. They’re in heaven, Andrew and they’re happier than they could ever be here on earth. They would want us to be happy for them.”
“I know,” Andrew sighed, “but I sure don’t feel like being happy.”
“It takes time,” Meredith agreed. “We have to keep trying to believe that things will start to look brighter soon. That’s all we can do.” Pressing Beth’s photo gently back into place Andrew whispered a quiet good-night and walked away but not before Meredith caught the hint of tears in his voice. Choosing to give him space for the moment, Meredith reminded herself to check on him in the morning and give Cat the heads up that he would likely need, but not welcome, some time to talk with her when they were together again.
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