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Alright! Before I begin, I'd like to say that I have not read the Pt. 1 of the prologue (which is horrible of me, I know. I'm actually pretty interested by the story so I'll most likely check it out soon) so I was a little fuzzy on the details but didn't include any points about that because, I'm assuming, most of the answers are found in part 1. You also said that you didn't want specific editing and grammar corrections, so I tried to stick to broader criticisms.


Generally, there were a lot of sentences that were phrased awkwardly. I had to reread them a few times before they made sense. Remember to read your stories aloud for coherency at least once.

I thought it was a bit too much of a detail overload on the character's descriptions. However, this is a personal thing. There's nothing technically wrong with what you did, but I think it would sound better if you cut out/cut down some of the descriptions. Just because you only need to describe the scars on their faces a few times to paint the picture in the readers' heads.

I was confused by Oskit randomly leaving in order to let Blailey tell the story. It seemed out of place and like you just needed a way to get Blailey to tell the story. Unless Oskit is doing something important/mysterious, keep him in the room.

I LOVED the choking part! I'm sure it wasn't fun for Blailey, but I found it amusing.

Overall this felt like more of a first chapter than a prologue. Admittedly, this could be because I have not read the first part, but generally speaking prologues should be kept short. They usually serve as the backdrop and/or introduction to the story, or to recount important historical events that would otherwise be clunky elsewhere in the novel.

I'll have to read more, but just be careful not to let your fantasy story get too cliched. What you have here is definitely not, but it's just something to keep in mind. Fantasy, unfortunately, is one of those genres that has a tendency to lean toward conventionalism and cliches. Make sure to keep it as original as this was and you should be golden. =]

Rach! You posted the second part, yay!

Well, I loved this part, but you already know that. I find that you've created good strong characters that have distinctive voices. Nicely done.

I had completely forgotten that this was a prelude, though, and can't wait to see what will happen when the chapter starts.

Will you let me know when the next chappy is up?
Tanya (Not a very helpful review, but I've done that for you already )

'Tis me again...

I've come to review the second part of this 'cause I liked the first part. Plus, I wasn't much help reviewing that. I'm hoping that I'll be a bit more help this time. Knowing me, and your writing, I might struggle!

What you did well in this was basically the same as what you did well in the first part of the prelude. Your characters are definitely my favourite aspect of this. It was easy to follow, and I didn't struggle to understand any part of the writing. Nothing felt forced in this part either, so that's nice to see. I often read pieces by amateur and published authors where what they're saying simply doesn't sound right. You didn't have this at all. I'm also happy to say that this has picked up a bit since the first part of the prelude.

At the moment, my only real issue with this part of the prelude is that it's beginning to not feel like a prelude or a prologue. Its arguable, but I tend to think of preludes as rather short, vagueish pieces of writing. I know vagueish isn't technically a word... but it is now. In this, you're rather descriptive and explain a lot. You do so well, but I'm not too sure if it suits the whole prelude thing as well as you really want it to. It might just be me though because people's opinions on prologues and preludes are different. The length of this prelude is what's bothering me a weeny bit. If we weren't told that this was a prelude, I would have probably assumed that it was a first chapter, especially considering you've posted this in two, rather longish, parts.

I've decided that this review isn't going to be much help either because I'm struggling to find things to critique here! My critiques for this are more or less what I said in my first review, and I hardly want to repeat them again because that would probably annoy the both of us. I very much enjoyed the chocking scene, and I adore Blailey's character, I really do. You manage to create exciting characters very well, and if you keep up with it, they'll keep your story going strong as well as keep your readers interested. Hmmm... keep up with the good work, I guess!

Have you got a page for this, by the way? If you haven't, make one so that I can join!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Yay! You put them both up! Of course, I've already done my reviewing. But I mentioned that you made a few mistakes in the last few paragraphs, and I'll point them out now.

In desperation, Blailey began smacked began smacking his breastbone and gut with even more fever. Then, at last, after one more/ particularly bruising pound, the strawberry finally came free.

“Yeah, thanks for taking note.”

Note? Notice? I'm not entirely sure this is correct, but then I'm not entirely sure if notice is either.

That's pretty much it, really. Boy, I am pedantic, aren't I? Anyway, great work! PM me when you put the next chapter up!

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