Alezrani Chapter 5(Summary Included)

Author's Note This story in a non-linear format, so if you're get confused that's ok. It's my first time writing in such a format, so I don't know how it will turn out.I have three storylines currently. The first one takes place in the present, the second in the past and the third in the future. P.S I get all of my colors from Wikipedia in case anyone's wondering. Enjoy!
This is a summary/synopsis of the previous chapters. It is short and not very detailed. I give you the essentials here. If you get confused, please read the author's note in chapter 1. Seres and Wolf haven't seen each other in twenty years. In the present Wolf has found Seres and told him that he has a part of Seres' soul in the compass that he was carrying. Seres is skeptical, but eventually absorbs the part of his soul that was in the compass. In the past, Wolf has been searching for Seres. He finds an anomaly on a planet called Zeyaethay. The last scene is a repeat of the first scene in chapter one, but from Wolf's side. In the future, Seres and Wolf have found the last piece of Seres's soul. Seres absorbs it and tells Wolf that he's going to rip out a piece of his soul because he doesn't understand. Since Seres calls him by his real name, Wolf knows he's being serious. Wolf is too shocked to stop him and gets his soul trapped in the same compass. Back in the past, we find out how Seres' soul is ripped from him and what his reaction was, not happy. The Collective had to restrain him and Wolf wasn't there when it started. Seres yells at Hiram and collapses again. Wolf decides to check up on him and Seres yells at him, then vanishes. Wolf tells Hiram who declares that they should leave him alone for a while and then go find him. Crane shows up to try and talk Wolf into looking for Seres.
Present. After Seres has added Wolf to the wards.
He led them into the kitchen and gestured for Wolf to have a seat."Do you want anything to drink? Eat?"
Wolf shook his head, "No, thank you" Seres nodded and sat across from him. Wolf glanced around the kitchen. It was medium-sized. A dangling, glass, cone painted alizarin and dotted with regalia, purple, swayed over the table. The counters were steel, making them easier to clean. The cabinets were made of a dark colored wood, complementing the mural behind the sink.
"Did you do that," he asked, nodding at the mural. The mural consisted of a cerulean river winding between red, rocky crags topped with bits of green. Fine brush strokes made up the texture of the river, making it meander between the crags. When did Seres lean how to paint like this?
"Yeah, the paint is waterproof."
"You did it without magic?" People still paint like this? I thought it was a lost art!
"I was trying to keep the magic use down, so that the collective wouldn't find me,” Seres lied, tapping his fingers on the table. “How did you find me anyway?”
"There was a spike in this planet's power levels, and then it fell back to normal levels, except there were no fluctuations. A dynamic planet like this should have fluctuations." Each planet had five main power levels, named for each of the elements. Those levels constantly rose and fell, occasionally spiking.
Seres groaned, “I hope no one else has your finesse for detail."
Wolf shook his head, "I think that we're safe."
"We?"
"I lied to you....I was supposed to bring you to them,” he said quietly.
There was a long pause. Wolf glanced around the kitchen. The fridge had sticky notes stuck haphazardly all over its icy white surface. The notes had writing on them. A grocery list, Wolf realized.
"Why didn't you," Seres asked eventually, "and for that matter, why are they so sure that you will follow orders?"
Wolf looked at the mural. It's sunset there.
"Wolf?"
Wolf looked back at him, "They used mom."
"What?"
"They sent Deucalion to 'persuade' me," he said quietly. Seres' mouth went dry.
"What did he do to you," he asked, curling his hands into each other.
Wolf swallowed, "He told me the Collective could cure mom."
"Can they?"
Wolf shook his head, “They can't and she doesn't want to be cured by them."
"Why not?" Wolf got up and started to pace the kitchen. 'He always does this when he's upset'.
"You know she’s been sick for a long time. She's almost dead," he said softly, "she just wants to see dad. She doesn't want to stay here anymore." Seres traces the leaves carved around the edge of the table, slowly, grounding himself in the rough texture.
"What do you and Crane think," he asked at last.
"I think it's her choice and Crane.....I don't think she's thought about it."
Seres takes a breath, rubs his temples and straightens. "So, you were supposed to bring me to them, correct?"
"Yes," Wolf says, “they gave me the compass to use as bait."
Seres pauses, getting up to open the window, "You told Crane about the offer."
Wolf nods his head, "She looked so happy, I....."
"You didn't tell her that they couldn't." Wolf shakes his head. "What about your mother, does she want to....." He couldn't think of a good way to phrase it, instead he gazed out the window. Luckily, Wolf seemed to have picked up on it.
"No, she doesn't," he said, "she says dad wouldn't like her coming to him that way....she doesn't have long." Seres studied the sickle curve of the inner belt. Although Balia was considered a city, it did not look like a typical one. Balia had two 'green' belts, made up of parks, woods and other non-developed spaces.The circular belt surrounded the city center, where Seres lived. The other resembled flower petals surrounding the outskirts of the city, mixing with Cerina's natural landscape. "Would you like me to come back with you," he said abruptly, eyes still on the window. Wolf toppled out of his chair, the thud echoing in the now quiet kitchen.
"What," he sputtered, “you're- actually suggesting-"
"You said Crane was happy," Seres gently reminded him.
"Yes, but still!"
"If me coming back to Inici will make her happy, then I'll do it." He turned back to Wolf, looking him in the eyes.

Hello!

Goodness, the synopsis is longer almost than the chapter itself, hah. But I suppose it does clear out some things (maybe in that ‘novel section’). Right, but these are just add ons. The story proper =)

Mural thing – has it been described before? If yes, then maybe add a little descriptor behind the word or after the word, just so it wouldn’t be so bare. So empty a word. Like, y’know, Helen of Troy was “pretty”. If not – focus more of on this. Expand this. I mean, mural. I get the general idea. But he could have said “sculpture” and it could have been Discobolos or the Statue of Liberty.

Oh yeah, “did like rivers”… so it probably had. But then I’d still build around this area, start the scene more gradually, not plunge in so violently.

That said, it’s dialogue, again, which is cool, which makes the point:
"Yeah, the paint is waterproof."
"You did it without magic?"
"I was trying to keep the magic use down, so that the collective wouldn't find me...

My point is, I can siphone, if I try really hard, some emotions out of that. I mean, I can imagine what they’re feeling. Like, the mural observer could be in awe, he could like it, he could be impressed, whatever and all. The mural creator could be humble, could be unhumble, could tartly/sharply reply making it clear he does nto want to talk about it much/does not care about it much… So many things this could mean and I don’t know what. And even originally, I had to think of them all.

See, I know that in your head you know how this scene looks like. It’s live, it’s fantastic, it’s 3-D. You know absolutely everything that’s happening, all the if’s and why’s. But the reader doesn’t look into your head. The reader knows only what you put down on paper.

Maybe I’d know what the two guys where feeling if I had read the previous chapters, knew more about their characters; I’m not discarding that thought. But even if yes, then I still think this section ought to be expanded to cover those mentioned areas.

Next:
how did you find me anyway?"

Again, dialogue-wise, it’s fantastic because it’s concise, let’s the reader know what’s happening, pulls the plot forward. But the character! Let him show some emotion (or if he’s not showing any, remark upon that). Body language (he can – look up, look down, eye can sparkle/dull, muscle can twitch, brow can twitch, a tick, and so on and on and on).
See, what I want is an illustration to the dialogue. How would he look like/react visibly to the words he is speaking, is spoken to?

On the other hand, the Seres {adore the name} comments adds a depth to the story, e.g. He always does this when he's upset', Seres thought. Nice characterization.

You said Crane was happy," Seres gently reminded him.
"Yes, but still!"
"If me coming back to Inici will make her happy, then I'll do it."

This part confused me; I get the premise (I think) of the quote, but at first glance it just seems contradictory. Had to think it over, which isn’t that good.

Dialogue. Dialogue punctuation! Google via YWS Demeter’s article on that, or google on the web, or just search for it. I’d muddle it up if I were to try, so I’m just referring there. This pertains to commas where there should be periods before quotes, etc. Maybe it’ll be useful.

Concluding, you have fantastic dialogue which is the driving part of this story. Fantastic dialogue that I’m kind of jealous of (might have mentioned mine’s just… yeah). It single-handedly makes the story go forward, and that what is supposed to do so is there (and that’s kind of important too ha).

Character names I do really like (and I’ve been known to put down books for no other reason than disliking they’re names…). Add those illustrations, that body language, add a balance to the dialogue (Seres can’t hold all this on his shoulders with an occasional thought).
Really nice!

Thanks for posting,
Esme

And here we go again!

I'll probably have to repeat myself though.
You NEED more description. And, that's it. As I said before, it would be brilliant if only you could balance out description, dialogue, flow and pace.
Pace, well, since you're going non-linear, it is essential to give time references for each shift. What you have right now is like this:

"Let's have a party!" he said.
"I want to sleep," he said after the party.
They were preparing food and wine for the party.
"Meera, having fun?" he asked. "Sure am. Thanks. You're a great host."
We have only a vague idea of the party. But it sounds interesting. I want to be a part of this party but you have to let me in. I need to feel the fun and all that jazz. I want to feel the vibe and groove. I want to see the colours, the dancing and the lights. I want to be in that party badly.
And since it isn't chronologically in the right order, I want to know that the timline's shifting and I need a good approximate when.
(Sorry for such a bad example, but I wanted you to understand.)

I'm sticking with this because
A) I find the plot, Seres and Wolf really interesting. It has me hooked. So, kudos on that.
B) Your dialogue is just brilliant stuff. I'm learning along the way!

I love this paragraph too! Agien, it's starting to make more sense, and I'm still very curious, you introduced knew mysters to the reader. Like their parents and Crane. I'm assuming they are brothers now, I hope I'm correct. I shall hurry to the next page!

Wait...I gave you the impression that they're brothers? Does it really read like that? They're not. I thought it was pretty clear... Can you point out the lines that gave you that impression please?

Hey!

So, mural scene much better  And the answer to the mural (people paint…). More authentic/realistic, which was the point.

But! Dialogue punctuation. If someone does something that isn’t a description of the speaking (soo… a tag?), then a period is needed before the dialogue. Not good explainer here haha. Google? Dialogue punctuation isn’t only grammar, it’s visuals, too. First impressions and all that!

Hah never stopped loving the character names in the meanwhile,
Esme

Heeeyyy again! Sorry it took me so long to get round to commenting on this. Now that I've given up on NaNo I have more time for reviewing, so hopefully I'll be able to get round to reading the rest of the chapter in the next few days. Although no promises. Okay, I should probably stop digging myself into a hole and get on with the review, shouldn't I?

I think this is one of my favourite chapters so far, because there was no jumping about between places/time periods so I didn't have the extra worry of trying to figure out what on earth was going on as I was reading, and I could enjoy the dialogue and the interesting developments between Wolf and Seres. It was interesting to find out Wolf's motivation to come and visit Seres. The Collective really are a nasty bunch, huh?

There are still a few things that come off as a bit funny when I read it, especially the lack of question marks:

"What did he do to you," he asked

I read that as a statement, not a question, so it just doesn't sound right.

I do think that there's not that much emotion in the story at the moment. I mean, dialogue and actions tell you a certain amount, but there isn't really any description of their thoughts or feelings or attitudes ever, and as a result the story feels quite distant. Like I'm standing on the outside looking in, and I can't get a grasp on either of the characters. Stories in third person don't have to be like this; generally, the focus of a scene is through one character in particular and we get their perspective on it, but the way this is written it's not from anyone's perspective really, so we don't know what's going on in their heads and it's hard to empathise with either. Wolf could be feeling guilty, angry, worried, sad about the way the collective are trying to manipulate him, but readers wouldn't know.

So, overall, this is one of the better chapters so far and I really like where the novel's going, but I think it would be better if the narration chose to focus on on of the characters more and give us an insight into their mindset so that we have more of a connection with the characters.

See you at the next chapter!