In His Hangs

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This was originally just supposed to be a free-write durring a class in school, but I decided to keep going if it worked out. I'm turning it in tomorrow, but it could be interesting as a flash-fiction deal... please help me out!


“What’s it gonna be?” demanded Shane.

Mara spun around, trying to get a good look at, at least, one of his reflections. But he was everywhere. He reflected in every mirror around her, as though he couldn’t be in just one place at one. Of course he couldn’t, but it was still unnerving.

“Well?” he demanded hotly, his reflection jumping from mirror to mirror. She could make out at least a little bit of what he was—black and blue hair dye, gray jacket, green jeans—but he was mostly out of focus. Shane hadn’t been in focus since she met him.

“I don’t know. I… I can’t let you hurt someone,” she said.

“Liar!” he yelled. “You told me to kill him! I heard you, Mara! You said you wanted him to die! Did you suddenly change your mind? Why? What could he possibly have done to make up for what he did?”

Mara wanted to die. She had said that, but she hadn’t meant it. “Shane, don’t do it!” she said shakily.

“Don’t do what?” Shane growled, raging through the mirrors again. “Don’t make him pay for what he did to you? He put you in the hospital for three months! They didn’t think you’d survive!”

Mara faltered. She’d known that she’d been in a coma for two of the months after the accident, and Shane told her he’d been there the whole time. But while she’d survived through a shattered femur, two broken ribs and an almost punctured lung, Shane hadn’t been so lucky. He had died when the cars started to pile up.

“But I’m alive, Shane! It’s not his fault, not really!” she protested. “I was only mad because he’d killed you and three other people in that crash.”

Shane jerked to a stop and shimmered in place. “That's right, Mara. He killed me. And he wasn’t even ashamed! He didn’t want to make any amends, or even beg ‘not guilty’ in the court!” His form flickered from his obvious rage, and Mara had to look away. Shane was right — the man didn’t deserve to live. But he was in prison for life, and Mara had to be satisfied with that. She was almost back to normal, though she could no longer play sports after the crash.

Mara caught a brief flashback, but shook it off before the fear set in. She didn’t want to think about the crumpled steel lumps that were cars, or the crazed man who caused it all. She knew Shane could hear her thoughts playing out, and he was probably the only one who could make sense of them.

“I’m not going to let you hurt anyone,” Mara said firmly.

“You couldn’t stop me,” Shane said testily.

“I could. I’ll destroy the mirrors; I’ll send you away,” Mara warned. But she knew she wouldn’t. She needed Shane around; she didn’t think she could do it on her own yet. It had only been a month since she’d come home from the hospital.

“You won’t do it though,” Shane said. This time, Mara wondered if he sounded almost scared. Maybe he didn’t know he was right, but that was a good thing for Mara.

“I would,” she argued.

“You won’t. You know you can’t live without me,” he said. Coming from most people, that might sound sensual and possessive, but coming from Shane, Mara knew he had read her thoughts and was using them as leverage. He wasn’t flirting, he was fighting.

Mara was torn between what she thought she had to do, and what she thought she needed, wondering when those two had become different. She knew Shane would probably kill him, and she thought she had to do something. But she also didn’t think she could make it through the sleepless nights, and agonizing flashbacks without his help.

“I’ll do what I have to do,” Mara said, her voice cracking. Though she wondered if she actually could do what she had to do.

“You can’t stop me, Mara,” Shane hissed. And without another word, Shane vanished. He wasn’t in any of the mirrors — Mara felt a quiet she’d often come to fear start to set in. Slowly the mirrors began to dissolve, fading into the blackness of silence.


The next day, Mara read in the newspaper that the man who’d caused the crash had died. He’d suddenly stopped breathing, they’d said. But Mara knew they couldn’t find his killer, because it was Shane, looking at him through the mirror. It was Shane, who’d lurched from the mirror like a phantom and clogged the man’s esophagus with a ghostly hand through his throat.

And Shane still wasn’t back.
I gave up telling people I hear voices. So now I talk to the voices instead.




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Hey there ATF!!! I’m Lily! I know we haven’t met but I’m your new best friend! Hehe

“What’s it gonna be?” demanded Shane.


I love this opening line. Some people might say that you shouldn’t start a piece with dialogue, but I love to do it. People say the most amazing things after all. I love this line. It makes me want to keep reading.

look at, at least, one of


You don't need the second comma here. It makes everything read very choppily.

Mara wanted to die. She had said that, but she hadn’t meant it.


This seems a bit confusing off the bat because, at least for me, when I read it, it sounded more like she wanted herself to die but hadn’t meant it. Does that make sense?

“I was only mad because he’d killed you and three other people in that crash.”


The mention of the three other people is pretty much unnecessary. This is pretty much a piece of flash fiction. And as flash fiction, adding too much detail and back story can become pretty unnecessary.

She was almost back to normal, though she could no longer play sports after the crash.


This too is what I mean about adding too much. Honestly, you don’t need any of this line. When you mention being able to play sports, you just add too much back story.

…man who had caused it all.


You need had in there. Trust me. ^^

“You couldn’t stop me,”


“couldn’t” feels like the wrong word because of the tense. “can’t” would likely make things sound and read a billion times better.

… Shane vanished. He wasn’t in any of the mirrors — Mara felt a quiet she’d often come to fear start to set in.


Okay, there a couple of things here that I want to be fussy about. First is ‘he wasn’t in any of the mirrors’ is very repetitive. You already said ‘Shane vanished.’ Mentioning it again is unnecessary. The second thing is the hyphen. It just confuses me. Why? I ask you. “Why?”

The next day, Mara read in the newspaper that the man who’d caused the crash had died.


Newspapers don’t normally report that quickly. The television might but newspapers are rarely that quick. You’ve got to remember realism when you right.

It was Shane, who’d lurched from the mirror like a phantom and clogged the man’s esophagus with a ghostly hand through his throat.


There’s something about this that sounds out of place with the rest of the story. It all feels so soft and mysterious. And then this line pops up and it feels very analytical, especially the last half of it when you use words like ‘esophagus’ and ‘clogged.’ For me, it just kind of kills the ending.


But overall, I love this story. It really shows the power of friendship, even in death. You did a great job. And I know it looks like I probably pointed out a lot of stuff, but it’s not major. With a little spit shine, it could be perfect!

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or leave a message on my wall.

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Hey.

So, I really, really liked this story. It's very well written and spooky, and the ending sent chills up my spine. I love the way you balanced out the two characters and how you increased the tension and suspense between them as the piece progressed.

However, while I like the ambiguity that surrounds most of this piece, to an extent, it makes it confusing and hard to follow. For instance, I'm not really sure how Shane is supposed to interact with Mara. I understand that he's dead, so through most of it, I thought Mara had schizophrenia and was just hearing his voice in her head. Then you say that the man had died, which would be hard to understand if Shane is just a figment of Mara's imagination. Unless Mara is actually the one who killed him and is just imagining that Shane did because she's schizophrenic.

Is she? I can see where it would fit it to the story, but for some reason it doesn't really feel like that was your intent. Some expansion might be good.

Can't wait to see where you take this story--PM me if you have any questions. :)

-Elinor x

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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lilymoore: thanks for the review. I corrected everything I could find, though the last line still tripped me up. I'm not sure how to get the point across without using a big word or so, which doesn't really follow with the rest of the story. Any suggestions?

Elinor: she doesn't have schizophrenia, but she sees the ghost of her friend who died in the car crash. I had just finished reading Token of Darkness by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, so I had malevolent spirits on the mind. So in other words, Mara isn't crazy, and Shane isn't a figment of her imagination. He used to be alive, and she could be suffering from a form of PTSD, if that makes any sense. Also, it was just a free write, so I'm not sure if I'm going to expand it--I've got so much writing stacked up and nowhere near enough time to do it all. One other thing before I go--this was supposed to be a sort of dream Mara was having, where she's surrounded by mirrors that cast Shane's reflection everywhere, since that seems to be the only way he's visible to her. And Shane really did kill the man, just so you know. I hadn't actually thought of schizophrenia as an option, though I guess that makes sense.

Okay, I'm going to stop while I'm behind, because I'm rambling! But thanks for the reviews you guys! :)
I gave up telling people I hear voices. So now I talk to the voices instead.



If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
— Oscar Wilde