Cold Love

Spoiler

Edited version!

Cold Love

We are caught in a vortex of snow mixed with lies.
The cold is as penetrating as your icy blue eyes.
The fog is as thick as the wall you built between us.

We are connected only through our shaking hands.
"Hold on to me tight" is the last of my demands.
But I feel you slipping away, like soap on a slippery slope.

The night is as dark as that lonely tear, running down your cheek.
My legs are giving way, my eyes are heavy and I feel so weak.
We forgot that together we are strong, like fire and water in collusion.

The cold is unbearable. But your hatred is even colder,
And your love is more than I can bear. Let me lean on your shoulder.
This cold eats us slowly, but trust me; our love will kill us quick.

My hand gropes from your limp hand to your cold cheek,
And my white snow-covered lips, your scary blue seek.
I kiss you and you kiss me, until our innocence is lost.

My numb arms settle around you like dreamy snakes,
With hoarse whispers and cruelty, you say I’ll have to pay for my mistakes.
Then your thin arms reach around me and you say no more.

We fall down in the cold snow; the wind howls from above,
With black eyes like piercing fingernails, you declare your love.
I’m stealing your soul as you're violating my heart.

Slowly our bodies fade away until we lay motionless in the red snow.
My heart gives color to the white as my blood flow.
And your black empty soul gives color to the night.

Dead we lie when the storm fades away,
Dead and gone from now on we’ll stay,
Now I’ll have to pay for my mistakes.

You say you’ll go to heaven, and I’ll go to hell.
But just like demons were angels that from heaven fell,
You’ll mess up and come back to me.

Then again our hungry souls will suffer pain,
As our wicked love threatens to drive us insane.
You love to hate me, just as I hate to love you.

Your imagery is great.

I think the rhyming is off

We are caught in a vortex of snow mixed with lies. Rhyme
The cold is as penetrating as your icy blue eyes. Rhyme
The fog is as thick as the wall you built between us. Line
(I'm assuming that this is your basic rhyming scheme)

We are connected only through are shaking hands. Rhyme
I cling to yours hard, and "hold on to me tight" is the last of my demands. Rhyme
But I feel you slipping away, like soap on a slippery slope. Random rhyme

"your scary blue seek." Use a different word then 'scary'

"My hand gropes"


The cold is unbearable, but your hatred is even colder,
and your love is more than I can bear, let me lean on your shoulder. You used 'your' too close together.
This cold eats us slowly, but trust me, our love will kill us quick. You were just talking about your love being strong, why is it now killing you?!?

"We forgot that together we are strong, like fire and water" I think this line has great potential. If it was worded more like: We forget that together we are fire and water, strong. I would like it better

Good job and keep writing!
--Kat

Hey there!

This is really good. I've never read a poem on here that goes as far into their words as you do. Usually I feel as though certain words are repeated or overused, but in here everything seemed to fit. There were a few lines that didn't make sense/the words weren't right/there were too many syllables that I'm going to point out to you.

We are caught in a vortex of snow mixed with lies.
The cold is as penetrating as your icy blue eyes.
The fog is as thick as the wall you built between us.
This first line reads like a song. I like it.

We are connected only through are shaking hands.
I cling to yours hard, and "hold on to me tight" is the last of my demands.
Sad to say that this is one of those lines that has too many syllables and throws off the flow of your poem. I would consider shortening it a bit. I feel like 'I cling to yours hard' could be taken away, but I don't really want it to be, because it hints to us that she is more in love with him than he is in love with her. But figure out a way, please, because this line throws off your poem a bit.
But I feel you slipping away, like soap on a slippery slope.
I love the use of assonances here. It makes the line very beautiful.

The night is as dark as that lonely tear, running down your cheek.
[/b]No need for the comma in the line above.[/b]
My legs are giving way, my eyes rove and I feel so weak.
'Rove' doesn't sound good here. I would suggest changing it?
We forgot that together we are strong, like fire and water in cahoots.
Pretty sure 'cahoots' isn't the right word here.

The cold is unbearable, but your hatred is even colder,
and your love is more than I can bear, let me lean on your shoulder.
The separate sentences separated by commas in the line above are independent. Don't put a comma there, put a period. It doesn't make sense the way it is. It makes it sound like the speaker has OCD.
This cold eats us slowly, but trust me, our love will kill us quick.

My hand grope from your limp hand, to your cold cheek,
Grope doesn't fit here and it should be plural if you do keep it. The word should be a synonym of moves. Also, delete the comma.
and my white snow-covered lips, your scary blue seek.
I kiss you and you kiss me, until our innocence is lost.

My numb arms settle around you like dreamy snakes,
with raspy whispers and cruelty, you say I’ll have to pay for my mistakes.
Then your thin arms reach around me and you say no more.

We fall down in the cold snow; the wind howls from above,
with black eyes like piercing fingernails, you declare your love.
I’m stealing your soul as you're violating my heart.

Slowly our bodies fade away until we lay motionless in the red snow.
My hearts gives color to the white as my blood flow.
And your black empty soul gives color to the night.

Dead we lie when the storm fades away,
dead and gone from now on we’ll stay,
and for my mistakes I’ll now have to pay.

You say you’ll go to heaven, and I’ll go to hell.
But just like demons were angels who from heaven fell,
[bold]It would sound better if you deleted the 'who'.
you’ll mess up and come back to me.
I'd love it if the line above were explained more.

And again our hungry souls will suffer pain,
as our wicked love will drive us insane.
You love to hate me, just as I hate to love you.
An amazing way to end.

Alright, so overall, this poem could obviously be improved, but it is amazing, as far as the plot and the variety of words. I think your topic is perfect for your style of writing, a soft and simple style. This poem, though very wicked indeed, makes me happy. As I said in the above portion of the review, there are some things I would like more explained. Like why are they dying? Why would he mess up and come back to her, if he was already in heaven and she in hell? I really like how the woman is evil, or at least sounds evil, in this poem also. It usually seems like boy screws over girls in love poems. But in this, they both seem a little mean.

And yeah, this was a love poem, but it wasn't angsty. It wasn't "Oh I hate you my boyfriend for breaking my heart." I feel like it has a lesson of the truth of lust in it. Maybe instead of physically dying you meant that because it was all about the lust, they are dying with each other... their love is dying? I don't know. I usually tend to over-interpret poems on YWS that really weren't meant to be interpreted.

Keep writing!

Classy

...

Hey Demoness, Stella here!

We are caught in a vortex of snow mixed with lies.
The cold is as penetrating as your icy blue eyes.
The fog is as thick as the wall you built between us.Okay, maybe I'm wrong, but fog and snow don't generally come at the same time, do they?

We are connected only through are shaking hands. our
"Hold on to me tight" is the last of my demands. comma after tight, I think?
But I feel you slipping away, like soap on a slippery slope.How often do you ever put soap on a slippery soap? I know it must be very slippery, but it's sort of overkill in a simile.

The night is as dark as that lonely tear running down your cheek.
My legs are giving way, my eyes are heavy and I feel so weak.
We forgot that together we are strong, like fire and water in collution

The cold is unbearable. But your hatred is even colder,
and your love is more than I can bear. Let me lean on your shoulder.
This cold eats us slowly, but trust me, our love will kill us quick.

My hand gropes from your limp hand to your cold cheek,
and my white snow-covered lips, your scary blue seek.your scary blue seek? Whut?
I kiss you and you kiss me, until our innocence is lost.

My numb arms settle around you like dreamy snakes,
with raspy whispers and cruelty, you say I’ll have to pay for my mistakes.
Then your thin arms reach around me and you say no more.

We fall down in the cold snow; the wind howls from above,
with black eyes like piercing fingernails, you declare your love.Fingernails aren't piercing, they're more... scratchy. And you've already used piercing
I’m stealing your soul as you're violating my heart.

Slowly our bodies fade away until we lay motionless in the red snow.
My hearts gives color to the white as my blood flow.blood flows. If you want the rhyme to work, you'll have to find another way around it
And your black empty soul gives color to the night.

Dead we lie when the storm fades away,
dead and gone from now on we’ll stay,
and for my mistakes I’ll now have to pay.

You say you’ll go to heaven, and I’ll go to hell.
But just like demons were angels that from heaven fell,
you’ll mess up and come back to me.mess up doesn't seem appropriate after the image of fallen angels and all, it's too casual and 21st century

And again our hungry souls will suffer pain,
as our wicked love will drive us insane.
You love to hate me, just as I hate to love you.

Okay, mostly I quite like this, like classy, I like the theme behind it. I do feel it dragged a bit though, not all of the stanzas were necessary. If each one was saying something different then fine, but they're all making the same points and it's just a bit eh... it does drag. I've nothing against long poems, but use the length to show us something new. As well as that, in some parts the rhyme is natural but sometimes it does seem a bit forced. Again, I quite like rhyme in poetry, it gives it structure but if it's forced then it doesn't run great. Maybe work on it being a bit more natural?

But overall, I quite enjoyed that. Thanks for the read.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

...

Heyy there, here as requested! I think the imagery is great here. The scenes in general that you set up sort of remind me of the newest little red riding hood movie that came out. A lot of it is based in the snow I guess. And it just sort of took me to that sort of scene. Very serene lol. The rhythm in the last line of each stanza sort of through me off. I didn't know how it was supposed to fit and had a hard time piecing it together. Overall, you have a really solid piece here, and most of the lines flow reaaaally well. Other than a few iffs here and there, its wonderful. =] Keep it up!