Sophies' spirit

"Where is it? Where is it!" Jamie yelled from her room.
"What are you looking for sweety?" My mother asked. Her hair up. She carried a soothing expression, and a faded pink smile.
"I've lost it. I've lost Sophies necklace," She cried pullin a draw clean out of her bedside cabinet.
"You've what!" I screamed storming into the room. "How can you lose it?" I questioned screaming.
"Don't worry sweety. I'm sure she wouldn't have mind," My mother said softly trying to calm my sister.
"How can you say that mum! I may be dead but I still have feelings!" I bellowed into the vacant world between me and my mother. I was furious. I was destroit. More than anything, I was lonely.
"No mum she wouldn't have. She would kill me," Jamie yelled pulling out another draw
"Damn right I would!" I cried. I stormed into the dry wall through the poster of My Chemical Romance into my room, well my old room. It was green. I loved green. I laid on the bed, it was still as I had left it. A mess. The pale green covers screwed up in a ball with an entaglment of socks and t-shirts. I buried my face in my pillow and wept.
"How's it going baby girl?" A soulful voice asked for the window.
"No too good Mia," I replied honestly with tears in my eyes.
"Honey this is your first time home. Don't expect everything to be plain sailing." She soothed.
"It's so hard Mia. I just want her to hold me and tell me it will be okay," I screamed through streams of tears. The pain of being alone more terrifying than anything.
"Shh now baby girl. No need for tears," Mia said. She walked into the room owning it with every step. She climbed onto the bed next to me and held me.
"I know exactly what you're going through. I went through the same with my David. I laid on our bed and cried for days,. Until. . ." She finished. A pause was held there for a minute or so
"Until what?" I asked, still in tears.
"Until little miss double D came walking in." She yelled. "I haunted her for two straight years you know. No one holds a grudge like Mia!" She yelled. A faint laugh escaped my lips.
"Now that's better baby girl. Let's go home and we'll come back tomorrow, i'll sit by you every day until you don't need me no more," she said softly. I nodded and felt the weight of the room starting to pull away, and after a while me and Mia were sat in the circular room that was my afterlife.

"Afterlifes are tricky things to describe, but here is my shot at in anyway. A person's afterlife is what one wants it to be. If you religous, it's your religon. If you're not sure what to believe, you can get a choice of many until you find the right one. If you choose to believe there is not life after death, then you don't have one. Everyone's afterlife is different to them. I couldn't let go, so I walk the earth. But now even if I do let go, I walk it forever, helping people like Mia has done for me. Mia died October 24th 1946. She was walking through the woods when she was shot by a hunter. He would later claim she thought she was a wild animal, and he would get away with it as she was said to be a second class citizen. Mia told me that all wounds heal, even the physical ones. She doesn't have a scratch from where she was shot. Mine have started to heal up to. I died on March 19th 2010. I was being bullied by some girls at school. They followed me all the way home, well nearly I was a strret away. One of the girls, Kelly Oreson pushed me in the back. She had intended for me to trip, but I tripped much further than intended. Miss Crest had still not finished apologising to my mother for hitting me with her car, until last week, she drowned herself in the bath from guilt. She was a christan so our paths won't cross again, but I hope she's happy anyways." I finished to Doctor Fitzpatrick. Even the dead have special treatment. I was in counsiling to learn to deal with my grief.
"You're making excelent progress Sophia-Jane-" He started.
"Please, Sophie," I interupted.
"Okay Sophie. Like I was saying you're making excellent progress. We will carry on next week okay." He finished.
"Okay Doc," I said and walked against the whitewashed wall in the back of St James hospital.
"How did it go baby girl?" Mia asked with a welcoming smile.
"Okay. I guess." I fanswered half-heartidly.
"Well let us get out rest. Mia has a lesson and a half for you tomorrow," She cackled and put her arm around me. WE began to walk slowly towards the grave yard. Home, for now anyway.

Hi. I thought the twist was worked in well to your story, when you drop the hint 'i may be dead but i still have feelings'.
I thought the description of the afterlife was unnecessary ( in green) it distracts from the story a bit too much. I think it would work in a much longer story but not here. Also why is she telling the doctor what the afterlife is when he is dead too?

Apart fom that i thought it was pretty good

retrodisco666 wrote:"Where is it? Where is it!" Jamie yelled from her room.
"What are you looking for sweety?" My mother asked. Her hair up. She carried a soothing expression, and a faded pink smile.
"I've lost it. I've lost Sophies necklace," She cried pullin a draw clean out of her bedside cabinet.
"You've what!" I screamed storming into the room. "How can you lose it?" I questioned(We already know it's a question so there's no need to put 'i questioned', anything other than 'i said' just sounds over written screaming.
"Don't worry sweety. I'm sure she wouldn't have (delete have)mind," My mother said softly trying to calm my sister.
"How can you say that mum! I may be dead but I still have feelings!" I bellowed into the vacant world between me and my mother. I was furious. I was destroit. (distraught)More than anything, I was lonely.
"No mum she wouldn't have. She would kill me," Jamie yelled pulling out another draw (full stop)
"Damn right I would!" I cried. I stormed into the dry wall through the poster of My Chemical Romance into my room, well my old room. It was green. I loved green. I laid on the bed, it was still as I had left it. A mess. The pale green covers screwed up in a ball with an entaglment (entanglement)of socks and t-shirts. I buried my face in my pillow and wept.
"How's it going baby girl?" A soulful voice asked for the window.
"No(t) too good Mia," I replied honestly (again, there's not really any need to put honestly here) with tears in my eyes.
"Honey this is your first time home. Don't expect everything to be plain sailing." (no one actually says 'plain sailing', it's an outdated clicheShe soothed.
"It's so hard Mia. I just want her to hold me and tell me it will be okay," I screamed through streams of tears. The pain of being alone more terrifying than anything.
"Shh now baby girl. No need for tears," Mia said. She walked into the room owning it with every step. She climbed onto the bed next to me and held me.
"I know exactly what you're going through. I went through the same with my David. I laid on our bed and cried for days,. Until. . ." She finished. A pause was held there for a minute or so
"Until what?" I asked, still in tears.
"Until little miss double D came walking in." She yelled. "I haunted her for two straight years you know. No one holds a grudge like Mia!" She yelled. A faint laugh escaped my lips.
"Now that's better baby girl. Let's (Lets)go home and we'll come back tomorrow, i'll sit by you every day until you don't need me no more," she said softly. I nodded and felt the weight of the room starting to pull away, and after a while me and Mia were sat in the circular room that was my afterlife.

"Afterlifes are tricky things to describe, but here is my shot at in anyway. A person's afterlife is what one wants it to be. If you religous, it's your religon. If you're not sure what to believe, you can get a choice of many until you find the right one. If you choose to believe there is not life after death, then you don't have one. Everyone's afterlife is different to them. I couldn't let go, so I walk the earth. But now even if I do let go, I walk it forever, helping people like Mia has done for me. Mia died October 24th 1946. She was walking through the woods when she was shot by a hunter. He would later claim she thought she was a wild animal, and he would get away with it as she was said to be a second class citizen. Mia told me that all wounds heal, even the physical ones. She doesn't have a scratch from where she was shot. Mine have started to heal up to. I died on March 19th 2010. I was being bullied by some girls at school. They followed me all the way home, well nearly I was a strret away. One of the girls, Kelly Oreson pushed me in the back. She had intended for me to trip, but I tripped much further than intended.[/color] Miss Crest had still not finished apologising to my mother for hitting me with her car, until last week, she drowned herself in the bath from guilt. She was a christan so our paths won't cross again, but I hope she's happy anyways." I finished to Doctor Fitzpatrick. Even the dead have special treatment. I was in counsiling (counselling)to learn to deal with my grief.
"You're making excelent (excellent)progress Sophia-Jane-" He started.
"Please, Sophie," I interupted. (interrupted)
"Okay Sophie. Like I was saying you're making excellent progress. We will carry on next week okay." He finished.
"Okay Doc," I said and walked against the whitewashed wall in the back of St James hospital.
"How did it go baby girl?" Mia asked with a welcoming smile.
"Okay. I guess." I fanswered half-heartidly.
"Well let us get out rest. Mia has a lesson and a half for you tomorrow," She cackled and put her arm around me. WE began to walk slowly towards the grave yard. Home, for now anyway.

Hey,
Okay... This was interesting. You had a lot of typos though. Maybe read over your next post. It took me a while to do that. I did like the characters but I felt like it didn't end. Are you planning on making a second part?

retrodisco666 wrote:"Where is it? Where is it!" Jamie yelled from her room.
"What are you looking for sweety?" My mother asked. Her hair up. She carried a soothing expression, and a faded pink smile.
You need a comma before sweety. That happens later too. Her hair up is a fragment. Try combining that with another sentence. It's seems a little out of place where it is.

"I've lost it. I've lost Sophies necklace," She cried pullin a draw clean out of her bedside cabinet.
There needs to be apostrophe in Sophie's. Drawer not draw. This might be a dialect thing but I think it's bedside table. I'm not sure though. If you're not from the US, it might be different.

"You've what!" I screamed storming into the room. "How can you lose it?" I questioned screaming.
You're repeating screaming. We know you're screaming. The second one doesn't need to be used.

"Don't worry sweety. I'm sure she wouldn't have mind," My mother said softly trying to calm my sister.
Here's where you need the comma again. Minded instead of mind. My needs to be lowercase. You need a comma in between said and softly.

"How can you say that mum! I may be dead but I still have feelings!" I bellowed into the vacant world between me and my mother. I was furious. I was destroit. More than anything, I was lonely.
Questionmark instead of exclamation mark before mum. I don't think destroit is a word but I don't know what you meant.

"No mum she wouldn't have. She would kill me," Jamie yelled pulling out another draw
It would be would have not wouldn't have. You need to add a have after would or make it a contraction to make it more realistic. Drawer instead of draw and a period afterwards.

"Damn right I would!" I cried. I stormed into the dry wall through the poster of My Chemical Romance into my room, well my old room. It was green. I loved green. I laid on the bed, it was still as I had left it. A mess. The pale green covers screwed up in a ball with an entaglment of socks and t-shirts. I buried my face in my pillow and wept.
Period or semi-colon after bed and before it. You could use a comma instead of a period after it and before a. I think you need a wer between covers and screwed.

"How's it going baby girl?" A soulful voice asked for the window.
Comma before baby girl because you're addressing her. You miss that every time. A can be lowercase if you want.

"No too good Mia," I replied honestly with tears in my eyes.
Comma before Mia.

"Honey this is your first time home. Don't expect everything to be plain sailing." She soothed.
Comma after honey. I think the saying is smooth sailing. To make everything uniform, a comma after sailing instead of a period and a lowercase she.

"It's so hard Mia. I just want her to hold me and tell me it will be okay," I screamed through streams of tears. The pain of being alone more terrifying than anything.
Comma before Mia. I think you've got it now. A third scream... it's okay here but another word would be perferable.

Until. . ." She finished. A pause was held there for a minute or so
Since she didn't finishe finished might not be the proper verb. Trailed off, maybe? She should be lowercase, I think.

"Until little miss double D came walking in." She yelled. "I haunted her for two straight years you know. No one holds a grudge like Mia!" She yelled. A faint laugh escaped my lips.
Comma before you know and question mark instead of a period since it is a question. She's asking Sophie if she knew that... Yeah, you get it.

"Now that's better baby girl. Let's go home and we'll come back tomorrow, i'll sit by you every day until you don't need me no more," she said softly. I nodded and felt the weight of the room starting to pull away, and after a while me and Mia were sat in the circular room that was my afterlife.
Comma instead of a period after tomorrow. I in I'll is capitalized.

"Afterlifes are tricky things to describe, but here is my shot at in anyway. A person's afterlife is what one wants it to be. If you religous, Since you use religion (which you spelled wrong) later on you might want to use a word like pious instead which means the same thing. it's your religon. If you're not sure what to believe, you can get a choice of many until you find the right one. If you choose to believe there is not life after death, then you don't have one. Everyone's afterlife is different to them. I couldn't let go, so I walk the earth. But now even if I do let go, I walk it forever, helping people like Mia has done for me. Mia died October 24th 1946. She was walking through the woods when she was shot by a hunter. He would later claim she thought she was a wild animal, and he would get away with it as she was said to be a second class citizen. Mia told me that all wounds heal, even the physical ones. She doesn't have a scratch from where she was shot. Mine have started to heal up to. I died on March 19th 2010. I was being bullied by some girls at school. They followed me all the way home, well nearly I was a strret away. One of the girls, Kelly Oreson pushed me in the back. She had intended for me to trip, but I tripped much further than intended. Miss Crest had still not finished apologising to my mother for hitting me with her car, until last week, she drowned herself in the bath from guilt. Wow. I really liked this part. She was a christan so our paths won't cross again, but I hope she's happy anyways." Now I'm not so sure you meant to have commas after your quotes. As far as I know, you don't have to have commas or periods but it needs to be uniform. Make sure to read through this and decide.I finished to Doctor Fitzpatrick. Even the dead have special treatment. I was in counsiling to learn to deal with my grief.
I see why all of this is in quotes but you're talking to a ghost about afterlife... It doesn't really make sense. I like it though. I just don't know what you should do about it. In case you missed it, which I'm sure you didn't I put corrections in this paragraph since it's so long.

"You're making excelent progress Sophia-Jane-" He started.
Excellent has two l's.
"Please, Sophie," I interupted.
Interrupted has two r's.

"Okay Sophie. Like I was saying you're making excellent progress. We will carry on next week okay." He finished.
I think you need a comma after saying and before you're and one after week.

"Okay Doc," I said and walked against the whitewashed wall in the back of St James hospital.
Is there a period after St.?

"How did it go baby girl?" Mia asked with a welcoming smile.

"Okay. I guess." I fanswered half-heartidly.
Get rid of the f. Halfheartedly doesn't have a hyphen and it's an e instead of an i
"Well let us get out rest. Mia has a lesson and a half for you tomorrow," She cackled and put her arm around me. WE began to walk slowly towards the grave yard. Home, for now anyway.
Comma after well. E is lower case in we. Also you said your afterlife was a circular room but now it's a graveyard... Clarification here, please?

So I'm a little rushed for time but all I've got to say is watch for grammar especially with commas and keep uniformity. The story was great.
Megsug

Thank you for the comments!

Yeh, I think I will write another part to it :L

~Retro Disco666