The world Beyond

re-read this bit of work, and didn't like it.

This is a very very good story. I'm just curious:

1. You say that the narrator is eleven. It sounds like it was written from more of a 7-9 year old's point of view. The vocabulary and voice seem to point to that.

2. Why is the mom out of town?

3. It's too short! Flash fiction is good, but this one feels almost too fast.

Hope to read more from you soon!

thanks for the review, I Haven't actually finished the story i was just giving the basic concept so i can get reviews on whether i should stick with the story line or scrap it completely.
Oh really? I Just wrote it remembering back to the way that i thought when i was 11, but maybe i don't remember clearly enough or perhaps i was a very Innocent child.
Thanks a lot this has helped me, ill keep your points in mind when continuing the story.

Hey
This is a really good start and the storyline is interesting.
In my opinion I don't think you should mention how old the character is, just mention that its a little kid, that way the reader can have a broader image of the boy.
I think you should go on with this story because it seems too short and extending the paragraphs would be a good thing

Great job!

Heyo!

I's like to see where this leads. So far, it has good ideas, even if a little too fantasy-like.

I thought to myself after 30min of walking.

Write it as thirty minutes or half an hour. Will sound better that way. It is always good to write out numbers in the narrative.
Also, it should 'Miss Alexander' with a capital 'M.'
I don't mind the innocent tone of the kid. However, if he swears, then, you really shouldn't keep up the innocent tone.

I grabbed an old paint brush and a paint pallet from my wardrobe, along with the sketch book Miss Alexander had given me for a birthday gift and placed them on my table.

The sketch book is on the table, and paint drips onto the carpet later on? Maybe put in a line that he placed it on an easel or something.
Now, this needs a lot more 'show' description. (Here's a link for you : topic41426.html)
The lack of description in the right places and the right amount will make this forgettable. And by description, I don't mean just the places, but also the sounds, smell, emotions, atmosphere etc.
That said, I would like to see more of this, and if you edit this, I;d be happy to read it again.

Good luck.
~Lava