Who Knows?

abba315 wrote:How far would I go for you?
Maybe I’ve become immune
The clock in my mind is set to June
Who knew?
Nature dies and seasons change
Lives crumble and brim with pain
Bound together by a lifeblood chain
Who gains?
Papercuts and freezerburn
Tides rise and waves return
Firewood for flames yearns
Who burns?
Limbs twitch in dying throes
To this sweet dark night they owe
A last lover’s whisper death bestows
And breathes
Who knows?

is this supposed to rhyme? feels like there something wrong with the way it joins XD

ZLYF wrote:is this supposed to rhyme? feels like there something wrong with the way it joins XD

abba315 wrote:
How far would I go for you?
Maybe I’ve become immune
The clock in my mind is set to June
Who knew?
Nature dies and seasons change
Lives crumble and brim with pain
Bound together by a lifeblood chain
Who gains?
Papercuts and freezerburn
Tides rise and waves return
Firewood for flames yearns
Who burns?
Limbs twitch in dying throes
To this sweet dark night they owe
A last lover’s whisper death bestows
And breathes
Who knows?

I kind of agree with ZLYF. I felt like there's something wrong with it. Anyway, write more to improve your writings.

Good luck and keep writing,

Alicia.

Aw ... I completely disagree with the above two comments. I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with it at all!

I like the feel of it - it seems quite scary and eerie (the imagery is v powerful sometimes!)

And the way that the lines run on with no punctuation, then are broken up by the shorter, questioning line. It sounds almost as if the narrator is questioning themselves mid-thought. The effect is quite disjointed, (I think this is what the others were referring to) but it comes across as intentional and reinforces the twisted images ...

It's almost as if the narrator is going a bit mad, and this is an insight into their mind ... it's very dark and mysterious and i love it

I realy like this poem and too have to disagree with the first two comments. I think the poem reads really well and its a very dark and scary poem i just love it!

abba315 wrote:

How far would I go for you?
Maybe I’ve become immune
The clock in my mind is set to June
Who knew?
Nature dies and seasons change
Lives crumble and brim with pain
Bound together by a lifeblood chain
Who gains?
Papercuts and freezerburn
Tides rise and waves return
Firewood for flames yearns
Who burns?
Limbs twitch in dying throes
To this sweet dark night they owe
A last lover’s whisper death bestows
And breathes
Who knows?

Spoiler

Something written as an exercise in inhibition... meaning it doesn't really make much sense. Or does it?

A very beautiful poem, simple sweet and capturing. I enjoyed reading this but I was a little lost with your "who knows, who burns, who gains...etc" I don't think they made enough sense. I think you were trying to fill spaces with those or add a fourth rhyme to your paragraph. Other than that, it was beautiful, good job ^^