Alezrani Chapter 4(Summary included)

Author's Note This story in a non-linear format, so if you're get confused that's ok. It's my first time writing in such a format, so I don't know how it will turn out.I have three storylines currently. The first one takes place in the present, the second in the past and the third in the future. Enjoy!
This is a summary/synopsis of the previous chapters. It is short and not very detailed. I give you the essentials here. If you get confused, please read the author's note in chapter 1. Seres and Wolf haven't seen each other in twenty years. In the present Wolf has found Seres and told him that he has a part of Seres' soul in the compass that he was carrying. Seres is skeptical, but eventually absorbs the part of his soul that was in the compass. The last scene is a repeat of the first scene in chapter one, but from Wolf's side. In the future, Seres and Wolf have found the last piece of Seres's soul. Seres absorbs it and tells Wolf that he's going to rip out a piece of his soul because he doesn't understand. Since Seres calls him by his real name, Wolf knows he's being serious. Wolf is too shocked to stop him and gets his soul trapped in the same compass.
If anyone's reading this novel. Say hi will you.This chapter has undergone a drastic edit. The scenes that were cut out of this chapter will appear in another. I know most of you like black, but I ran out of formatting choices and I needed to make that announcement stand out.
20 years before the present
Seres struggled, bound by spellrope in the circle. The Collective glanced around him and through him; they refused to look at him directly. He looked up, scanning the chamber. No escape routes. He frowned; there was someone missing-Wolf. He didn't even show up. Hiram paced in front of him, watching the clock on the far wall. It ticked; the echoes multiplying and shaking the lone table underneath it.
"Are you sure you will not reconsider," Hiram said, "all you have to do is say yes."
"No," Seres snapped, “I told you I don't want the power!"
"You will not have your soul ripped," Hiram said, "it'd be much easier for you if you just gave in." Seres shook his head.
"Please," Hiram pleaded, "I don't want to do this to you." He glanced at the clock again. Seres stayed silent. The clock struck, thirteen chimes resonating throughout the chamber. Hiram opened his mouth and shut it again. He straightened, seeming to steel himself. "Well then," he said, "...let's begin" He traced a symbol in the air. It hung there, silver, gold and copper lines glittering. “Hazgrazo” The symbol burned into Seres retinas. It was the only thing he could see. Somewhere, he heard a door open. He sensed Wolf beyond the threshold. Then, he couldn’t concentrate anymore. All he could feel was pain. The symbol hurt; he could feel it branding his soul. He felt a hook, a sharp yank and then another ocean of pain. He vaguely remembers screaming, lost in Elaragnia. Make it stop. Make it stop.

Seres blinked, letting out a loud gasp. "Are you finished yet," he croaked. The spiral-infinity-hourglass symbol glowed; its harsh light bouncing off the walls.
"There is one more piece to go Nightblade," Hiram said. Seres thought he heard his voice waver. Hiram spoke another word and the light grew brighter. Seres flinched. Rainbow light surrounded him, reaching into him. It hooked something and dragged the silvery-sapphire substance out of him. Seres screamed a high shattering sound. The light flashed again, the rainbow strands into him. The symbol broke the echoes of light dissipating. Hiram turned to the collective, "Dismissed" They filed out, two remaining behind-Wolf and Crane. Crane had a tight grip on her brother, who looked like the chamber walls. Hiram glared them, "Leave"
"What," Crane began.
"The new Alezrani and I need to talk."
"Don't call me that," Seres snapped. He got to his feet, swaying.
"It is what you are"
"Not for long," Seres said. He pointed at Wolf, "I," he rasped, "never want to see you again." Wolf opened his mouth, Seres glared at him.
"If I see you ever again," he said, taking a deep breath, “I will kill you."
Wolf nodded, "Understood" He took Crane's arm and pulled her out of the room. The door closed behind them. Hiram turned to him.
"Why didn't you accept," he said, "it would have been easier...your soul would still have been intact."
"I," Seres took a step, staggered and sat down, “was not right for the job. Wolf was, but he refused it. I'm your last resort.” He yanked himself to his feet again, shaking.
“No one wants this job. Remember what happened to the last Alezrani? He destroyed Galaia, created the singularity, nearly split the multiververse in two! I didn't want to become like that! What about you? Would you have accepted this job?" He stopped, panting. The clocked ticked, somehow muffled by the sphere of silence that surrounded them. Seres looked at him. Hiram looked away. Seres sighed and collapsed, boneless, on the ground. “He will have to take the job eventually.” He stared through Hiram, eyes almost, completely silver. Hiram shifted, straightening out. “The Alezrani does not live long. I’ll forget and I’ll use magic and I will die.” He took a breath, choking on air. “After that, he will have to become the Alezrani. And he will die too.”
“We didn’t have a choice,” Hiram says quietly, studying the circle. Seres focused on him. On his soul, Hiram felt.
“You are the head of the Collective,” his voice barely trembled, “you have the final say.”
“I was overruled,” Hiram protested.
“You wanted to be,” Seres said calmly. He staggered to his feet and stepped outside the circle. He swayed again and crumpled onto the cold floor. Hiram studied him for a few minutes before shaking his head. He started towards the door, paused and turned back.
“You will come to accept this,” he said and then walked out of the chamber.

You've got a great grasp of dialogue. In fact, you don't hesitate to use it at all. The thing is, you tend to overuse it a little.

I never thought I'd be saying this, but I think you should try and do a little more telling. The character's words convey the story fairly well, but it needs more detail to really flow. Including little actions (head-scratching, blushing, wincing, etc.) will give us even more insight into the characters' emotions. Don't be afraid to break up dialogue. For example:

"I," Seres took a step, staggered and sat down, " was not right for the job. Wolf was, but he refused it. I'm your last resort. No one wants this job. Remember what happened to the last Alezrani? He destroyed Galaia, created the singularity, nearly split the multiververse in two!" Seres [fill in the blank with an action]. " I didn't want to become like that! What about you? Would you have accepted this job?"

Just a random example, but you get the idea. This does two things: holds the reader's interest even tighter, and shows Seres's reaction to what he's talking about--sort of putting the conversation in perspective for us.

I notice you also seem to skip over parts of the story. Example:

"Well then," he said, "...let's begin"

Seres blinked, letting out a loud gasp. "Are you finished yet," he croaked. The spiral-infinity-hourglass symbol glowed; its harsh light bouncing off the walls.

As the readers, we don't know what it's like to have your soul ripped, except perhaps that it's painful. It's your job as the writer to paint each second for us in every excruciating detail. If you make it sound realistic enough, you'll make people curl up and cringe. If you're not sure what you're going to write, don't just skip over it. Put something there--you can expound on it later.

In general, these gaps in between action--you should aim for banishing them or at least making them smoother, if you can. They were a little confusing and they denied you a chance to further develop plot and suspense and characters.

All that being said, I think once you expand this it will turn into a fascinating plot. It has the makings of a complex intriguing fantasy. You definitely know how to wield your dialogue, and even with just that I have a sense of your characters. Liking it. Keep writing.

So, the next chapter.

I'll be short and quick with this.

First thing, when is this? It would really be helpful if you included a timeline. I'm still trying to figure it out. Though I think it's past but not when past. Also, this is turning like a collection of events that are really good. By this point, a reader will expect description. I want to know what's going on. I need to know when. I want to know who's who, the lands, the language, the colours... you get the idea. Describe the people, their eccentricities etc. You have an excellent command over dialogue, but you need more description. Yes, I stress on it a bazillion times, because this has potential to be a very good piece if you could work on that.
I really like your plot and I suggest you to go over a huge editing process, adding more description.

Good luck and cheers!
~Lava

Me again!

So, again, some interesting scenes. The characters are developing well - to me, the dynamic between Wolf and Seres is one of the most interesting things about this story. And the whole concept of soul stealing/extracting is a fascinating one. Also, there's magic! Awesome!

But, again, it's confusing. Even with the summary I have no idea whether this chapter takes place in the past, present or future. And again, it's lacking in description. The description of what it looks like Seres' soul is removed is really good, but there's no description of how it feels whatsoever. Supposedly it's a very painful process, so describe the pain he feels. Is it in his chest? Is it all over? Does it feel like burning, does it feel like tugging, does it feel like ice, etc. This would make it much more vivid and help get across what a horrible process this is. It has the potential to be a really interesting part of the story, if you get into what the emotional and mental consequences of having part of your soul removed are, and what kind of society this is that's willing to do this to people. But as it is, it's not nearly as effective as it could be.

You've probably had people talking about it a bazillion times by now, but I'm going to bring it up again: dialogue. As others have said, your dialogue is very good. It sounds natural and believable, and you use it to good effect to show us the relationships between the characters and what's going on. However, quite often you focus on what people are saying so much that you don't include any actions, or description of what the characters are doing as they speak. I'm going to link to this handy article from the YWS knowledge base about talking heads, because it's about exactly the problem I'm talking about, and explains it way better than I could.

Characterwise, it would be nice to find out more about Crane. She's been mentioned loads of times and been in a few scenes, but we know barely anything about her. I assume she's either Wolf's girlfriend or she's his wife, but I'm just guessing.

Also, whilst reading this chapter I got a bit mixed up between Sares and Hiram about who's who near the beginning. I think this is because it begins,

He struggled, bound by spellrope in the circle.

But we never actually get told who it is that's bound by rope. It becomes obvious in the second paragraph, but still, if you started off straight away with "Seres struggled, bound by spellrope" it would be more clear, and people reading would know what was going on straight away instead of having to figure it out from the conversation.

Overall, it's pretty much the same situation as last chapter. I like it a lot but I think it has the potential to be far better if you add more description and make the timeline more clear. Just a date like "5693 AD" or something so that we know straight away when each chapter takes place. What with all the reviews you've got a giant amount of feedback in a short amount of time, and I hope it's not too offputting. XD You don't have to edit or revise straight away, but if you just bear these things in mind when you get round to it I really do think you could improve the story a lot.

See you at the next chapter! (I might not get round to it today but I will soon)

Thanks! The article helps.

I loved this one! It was eventful and I'm starting to find sense in the story and fill in the missing peices as I read. The loose ends are starting to get tied and it makes more sense! But I'm also confused with how many names one man is called! But it is good, this chapter is the best so far!

I'm so confuuuuuuused!

You are giving us so much information and so many names, but it's all very fragmented. I can't wrap my mind around what's going on. It almost feels like I have to see at least two flowcharts and three Venn diagrams (and maybe one Gantt chart) in order to actually understand what I'm reading about. I'll be honest with you: the jumping-back-and-forth-in-time thing is not working out right now. It's letting you get away with not explaining vital pieces of the story, and I would love to actually understand why everything is happening the way it is. Just to illustrate my point, here's my current perception of the plot, arranged chronologically:

20 years ago, Wolf either ordered or supervised a ceremony that (among, maybe, other things) removed a part of Seres' soul.
What was the point of the ceremony? What was wolf doing there? Who is Hiram to Seres? What was the sister doing there?
Fast forward a few years: Wolf's mother is sick, and the Collective promises to heal her in return for finding some soul.
What is the Collective? What is the significance of the soul?
Current day: Wolf and Seres meet up in a coffee house.
Why does Wolf have nowhere to go? Why did he show up to Seres? Why did he give Seres part of his soul back? What are the physical effects of not having a "full" soul? Why does Seres think Wolf wants to die?
The future: They're at some temple retrieving some stone, and Wolf gets his soul (or a part of his soul) stolen by the stone.
...what?

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh *runs around in circles holding head*

As you can see, the plot is not easily understandable (to say the least). I'm not sure whether this is just me, but I'm having a lot of trouble connecting to your story. I blame two things: the time frame being all over the place, and the lack of descriptions (compensated by too much dialogue). On to the next chapter! Let's see where this one shall take us.