First Roller Coaster (revised)

"Come on, Khloe! It'll be lots of fun!" Khloe Jackson looked deep into her friend's eager faces and then back at the huge roller coaster looming in front of her, tantalizing her, telling her she couldn't do it. "What if I get sick?" Khloe asked her friends. "Just trust me. You'll love it." Her best friend, Jack, was telling her with a kind look on his face. Though she was set against it, somehow Khloe found herself strapped into the brightly colored seats of The Punisher. She yanked on the heavy straps one last time. Butterflies flew through her stomach and up into her throat. She managed to swallow them down. Her throat was tight with fear, making it difficult to swallow. The girl took a deep breath as the roller coaster jolted forward. Up, up, higher, and highter the roller coaster climbed. Time slowed as she stared, wide eyed, down the side of the tracks and she realized she was shaking. Regret slammed into her like a brick wall. Suddenly, time snapped back into place as the row of cars flew down the first hill. Khloe's stomach slammed against the back of her throat. Her breath ran out of her mouth in a gasp. Before she knew it, she was down the first hill and gliding up the next. The roller coaster roared down the second hill and around a winding turn. She was thrown from side to side. The straps were straining to keep her still. Up ahead, she saw a loop. "Uh oh." She thought. In an instant, she was upside down. Khloe squeezed her eyes shut so tightly that they hurt. She wasn't able to breathe in until the roller coaster screamed through it's last loop. Climbing off, Khloe realized that she loved the roller coaster. The rush of adrenaline was amazing. Now she loves roller coasters!

Hi. At one point you write 'highter' instead of 'higher' which is a small mistake. I thought overall it was good and you portayed the girl's apprehension well.

The only thing was that you use cliches a few times to describe certain things. When you say that "butterflies flew through her stomach", this is quite a common way of describing someone's anxiousness towards something.

Also "regret slammed into her like a brick wall" is a bit cliched. Try and be more imaginative when describing things.

But, yeah, it's good, keep on writing

P.S. i love the name of the roller coaster

Butterflies flew through her stomach and up into her throat. She managed to swallow them down. Her throat was tight with fear, making it difficult to swallow.

These lines sound repetitive.

It was alright, maybe work on describing things differently, you often repeat common descriptions. The last line, "Now she loved roller coasters" is too. . . young. It is more how a child would end the story. Write something about afterwards staring back at it, wanting to ride it again, something like that.

Hey, this was really cool. I love roller coasters, as long as their hills aren't bigger than a building down town in the city. I that one typo has been addressed by previous reviewers and such. Although, I wish you could've described the feeling of going down hills a bit better. It just seemed to go by fast, and I know that's what roller coasters do, but I just think that you should describe that unique feeling you get by going down those ginormous hills. You know, the feeling that your insides have just disappeared, your eyes water at how fast your going and sometimes that feeling when you can't even scream because all the air has escaped your body. And the end, like Roadnevertravelled mentioned, was a bit too... I'm not sure, just not a good way to end a story.
Maybe you could try to end it with something like this, "Khloe climbed off The Punisher, surprised she was ever scared of something so fun only a few minutes ago. She couldn't believe how amazing it was! She now just couldn't get enough of what roller coasters had to offer! The rush of adrenaline, the large drops of the hills, the excitement, the big loops that were gone before you could realize you were upside down! The rest of the day Khloe and her friends went on all the rollercoasters in sight, and Khloe just kept wanting more and more of them! But at the end of the day, Khloe and her friends unfortunatley had to go home, where Khloe dreamt of rollercoasters, and her happy screams as she went down all those crazy hills."
I know that was a little long, and it might be getting too much into your own story, so you can change it as you please. I really liked the story and how you mentioned how Khloe was petrified at first, but then just loved them at the end. Just try to work on describing things, such as feelings, sights, smells, and maybe sounds. Other than that, keep on writing!
-mae

I liked the main idea of it, but I felt as if the part about the butterflies was odd. Change that up a bit. Also, follow up her experience with if she did it again, or just how much she loved roller coasters. Also add her freinds emotions about her experience.

Happy writing

This was an interesting little story.

If I were you, I'd try and make the structure a bit easier to understand. Make it so that whenever someone new is speaking, you start a new line for their dialogue. That way, it's easier to read what's going on.

I think you described your characters physical emotions well, especially when she was on the rollercoaster. Your grammar was good too and I didn't see any big faults in it. For a short piece of writing, this was sweet, and I think that if you make it a little bit longer, it could be really good.

~ Lala