White

Black is darkness, misery, suffering,
Black is death,
But all I can remember is white.
White walls, white floors, white coats,
White blood cell counts.

The lights washed out stone faces
Turning the impassive into uncaring.
My hands matched the white bars on your bed
As I gripped them, as I talked to your vacant shell
for hours.

The sheets on the bed where I slept that night,
Like the bleak tundra, cold and lonely.
The pillow where my eyes refused to shut,
The plastic cup I drank from with shaking fingers.

Your pasty skin that paled further
As your strength left you,
As you melted away into tubes and masks.

The white noise in my ears when they told us the worst,
The white veil of anger that clouds my eyes
When I remember how they let you down.

Black may be the darkest colour, but not to me.

Hello!

Now don't take this the wrong way, but I couldn't really find a point to it. . .

I mean I get the piece. I get the death part. I like the different way you approached it, but It doesn't really have a point.

How should I be feeling. Sympathy? Anger? Disgust? All applicable but none invoked.

For example:

Your pasty skin that paled further
as your strength left you
As you melted away into tubes and masks

Amazing Imagery. I feel a little sad, but that's it. You have you hand pulled far back, knuckles clenched but you're failing to deliever the punch.

It has heaps of potential but it is rather flat. I mean associating white with death, a whole new view really, but you don't deliever on the emotion side of it, however your imagery is beautiful, you just need to back it up with emotion and then you're plain sailing. This is about, honestly, four out of ten, but please edit it, as it has a lot of potential. You just need more emotion. This may just be me however.

If you would like a more detailed review just let me know and I will do my best. But please don't take it to heart. I'm reviewing the poem, not you.

PM me for anything.

~Retro Disco666

I agree. That was really confusing. I mean I get the death part but I didn't really feel like I could get any real emotion out of it. Like, I was reading words but not really picking up the meaning or the point.

Hey Izzy. I'm called Izzy too, just not on Yws. I really liked this, it reminded me a little of my own style of writing and a story I wrote a while back called fetus.

Death is usually associated with black
But all I can remember is white.

I don't like the first line, because it seems a let down now I've read the rest of the poem. Maybe put the things you associate with black instead first. Like;

Black is darkness,
Black is stone cold, lifeless,
Black is death
Yet all I can remember is white

Do you see what I mean? It's just a little more descriptive, gives that feeling you give off in the rest of the stanzas.

White walls, white floors, white coats. (should be a comma here, instead of a full stop)
White blood cell counts.

I love this bit, no only do we as readers get the impression of a hospital, also the cause. Cancer.

My hands matched the white bars on your bed
As I gripped them, as I talked to your vacant shell
for hours.

I don't have any comments here, just this bit made me feel so sad, it works really well.

The pillow where my eyes refused to shut

There's something about this sentence that doesn't quite seem to work. The pillow case where my eyes refused to shut, I don't know it just sounds a bit off and breaks up the stanza a little. But that's just my personal opinion.

(Should be a capital A) as your strength left you
As you melted away into tubes and masks.

The white noise in my ears when they told us the worst.
The white veil of anger that clouds my eyes
when I remember how they let you down.
Black may be the darkest colour, but not to me.

There's a few things I'd like to point out about this last stanza. Things usually work and sound best in groups of three. You say "The white noise, The white veil", it would work better if you had a third. Also I would separate the last line from the rest of the stanza so It stands alone. It creates more impact that way.

All together this was a brilliant poem. I loved it and with a small minor adjustments it could be even better. Watch out for silly mistakes and eventhough in poems you can choose when you put grammar, capital letters..ect. It normally works best when you have a pattern for them, or at least use them correctly in places if you use them correctly in others,

Izzy xx

I kinda like it...but I agree, that the reader feels little emotion concerning what you're describing. I think you should make more of a point about what you're feelings are.

In this poem the picture the words painted, to me, was more important than the actual meaning. Choosing white over black to signify death is unique and creative, but doesn't have any further meaning than what it is. Although the imagery is excellent and draws the reader in, the theme is below par. If you choose something more significant to write about- I'm not saying death is not significant- but something with a deeper underlying meaning, you're poetry would be even better. You have so much potential!!

This poem is about the death of my Grandma, not from cancer actually but I can see how you got that. Obviously there's a lot of emotion there but I'm having difficulty translating it onto the page without just saying it straight, which doesn't really have any impact. So it's probably a bit of a dead end there but I'll bear in mind everything you said in future. Thanks for all your comments, they were definitely helpful.

Izzy wrote:Black is darkness, misery, suffering,
Black is death,
But all I can remember is white.
White walls, white floors, white coats,
White blood cell counts.

The lights washed out stone faces
Turning the impassive into uncaring.
My hands matched the white bars on your bed
As I gripped them, as I talked to your vacant shell
for hours.

The sheets on the bed where I slept that night,
Like the bleak tundra, cold and lonely.
The pillow where my eyes refused to shut,
The plastic cup I drank from with shaking fingers.

Your pasty skin that paled further
As your strength left you,
As you melted away into tubes and masks.

The white noise in my ears when they told us the worst,
The white veil of anger that clouds my eyes
When I remember how they let you down.

Black may be the darkest colour, but not to me.

This is sad, and angry. Ofcourse you made it way too personal so I couldn't see myself in there and I couldn't share my feelings and enough imagination with you. What I can say though, is that you're implicit meanings and sad images were breath-taking. I could tell how sad you were when you wrote this. If you ever want me to review anything, just pm it to me. Good job.