Counting Pennies

This is a rough draft- something I wrote a while ago that I'm not pleased with, but am not sure how to fix. Thanks!


It seems that things
just get better and better,
build up to a
crashing crescendo
of joy and laughter,
a short time when
we don't fight anymore,
because there's nothing to fear.

But then, life catches
up to us,
panting and arms pumping,
and there's a stillness
we don't even notice,
a prairie quiet
before the storm, when all the animals
wise in their ways,
have fled.

And then, we're back to
bickering and collecting pennies
in almost empty wine bottles,
empty ringing of metal on glass
the sound of past poverties.
We collect so we can count it out
on store counters
when the fee for Coinstar
is too high.

We're back to a house
that all the neighbors
can look into, when we turn off the lights
and open up the curtains.
It's time again for
that awkward eye contact
when we don't notice
each other snooping
until it's too late.
Neighbor bonding?


Our clothes can wear away
once again,
and we can declare the rag-tag layers
a new fashion.
Our friends, wealthy in their ways,
can follow along,
never knowing the difference.

Time can carry on
and thing can get worse,
and devolve
into ramen days, when we
can actually afford food at all-
but each day, we can remember
the times from before,
ramen days from before
and we can keep on hoping,
and keep on remembering how things got better.

Hey,

I defently see your problem. My only trouble is I can't put my finger on what it is that annoys me exactly. . . I think it may be the structure, mainly the line length in places. I think some could be joined together where as others need to be broken up.

A bit more emotion would be nice in places such as:

We collect so we can count it out
on store counters
when the fee for Coinstar
is too high

I was like so what does she feel about this.

It is very flat as a poem, in the sence that it does not need reading in to. Maybe try putting metaphors into it or changing words so that it must be read into as I think it will become a much more rewarding poem.

build up to a
crashing crescendo
of joy and laughter

My personal favourite part of the poem it has to be said. This was really effective!

It just needs tweaking and maybe editing. I would also consider adding maybe another stanza purely for emotion and imagery. But that's just a thought.

Overall it is a good piece around six out of ten, but honestly, it could be ten out of ten with a bit of work. But do the work to it! I think you will feel very rewarded.

PM me for anything!

~Retro Disco666

I agree with the above comment, I think a bit of imagery would really improve this poem. Like instead of saying things straight think of other ways to make it a bit more abstract and evocative.
I do really like this poem though. My favourite line was "and we can declare the rag-tag layers a new fashion." I think it flows really nicely and it's very clever.
Again, like the above comment I think this could be a really good poem

In a way I like the sparseness of this poem, but in another way I also think it could use more figurative language, or, yes, imagery. But I really liked the whole "counting pennies" stanza, and also the last stanza.