Brave On

Brave On

Brave on my soldier,
Surely, I will never ruffle your hair again,
I love you,
Too much to say,
A thousand lessons left to instill,
No time,
A thousand blessings left to envoke,

Billy gazes at the stars,
Blurring together in the heavens,
Crickets chirp and the wind chills his bone,
His heart colder, paler than the moon he gazes,
Looking for what he knows is gone,
His tears like dew on that gentle flower in his pocket,
Her flower,

Soldier on, my brave boy,
Surely we may never share a secret again,
But never forget me,
Very little to say,
But three words,
To let you know,
That it'll all be alright,
I love...

You. It will never be the same without you,
Billy stutters to the sky,
And he starts to sing,
Arms behind his head in the open field,
With the crickets and the deep-humming frogs,
With the wind and dawn,

"Amazing Grace..."

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Hey,

If I was to sum this poem up in one word it would be . . . amazing.

I really liked the way you wrote it, how it swapped between two scenes. I thought the use of italics was well. You defeintly created imagery in my head, which helped me to follow it better. There was no real form to the piece, which I think aided the life of the soldier.

Blurring together in the heavens,

A beautiful line it has to be said. Very well written and the most poetic in the piece I think.

My only critisim would be that I would like another stanza on the end of it from the woman in italics point of view, I am presumming the soldier dies, yes? So I would like to hear like to hear a heartwrenching finish which I think is missing from the piece as it stands.

Well done though. Amazingly well done.

PM me for anything or a more detailed review!

~Retro Disco666

Hi TheNewHero,

This is my first time reviewing your work, and what an amazing poem to review! It was full of emotions and feelings that ran throughout the veins of the poem. It was a deep and well-thought-out poem too. And it was definitely dramatic! An amazing piece! My only suggestion, add another stanza to make it clear how the poem ends (he dies I presume), just make it a bit more clearer, then this poem will be perfect!

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

Interestingly enough the boy is an actual boy, in my view. But having read it a second time I see how he became an actual soldier, nonetheless it works.
RedLeaf > It should be, it was inspired by the death of my dog like four hours after I found out.
Retro > I'm sure I could squeeze that in, have you ever heard Rhythm of Love by the Plain White T's - I could go with that style of defining a 'final dance'.

TheNewHero wrote:Brave On

Brave on my soldier,
Surely, I will never ruffle your hair again,
I love you,
Too much to say,
A thousand lessons left to instill,
No time,
A thousand blessings left to envoke,

Billy gazes at the stars,
Blurring together in the heavens,
Crickets chirp and the wind chills his bone,
His heart colder, paler than the moon he gazes,
Looking for what he knows is gone,
His tears like dew on that gentle flower in his pocket,
Her flower,

Soldier on, my brave boy,
Surely we may never share a secret again,
But never forget me,
Very little to say,
But three words,
To let you know,
That it'll all be alright,
I love...

You. It will never be the same without you,
Billy stutters to the sky,
And he starts to sing,
Arms behind his head in the open field,
With the crickets and the deep-humming frogs,
With the wind and dawn,

"Amazing Grace..."

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This is really beautiful and I believe that what made it so special were the deep images and strong vocabulary you used. I loved the way you described, and the way you carry the reader into your mind with a sweet touch of love. Amazing, good job and pm me with anything you would like me to review.