Untitled: Part One

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Untitled: Part One

Writing prompt for the quote- “Everything hurt.”


As he lay on the ground, taking deep, painful breaths, the man stared at the blue sky that floated above the treetops wondering what had just occurred. Large white spots blurred his vision and his head throbbed. Every time he blinked, his head exploded into a hot fury of pain. Slowly, his breaths started to become shallower and shorter, and his body tingled with shock attempting to push the intense waves of pain at bay. The man’s mind was slowly starting to register the events that took place.

How many of them were there? He couldn't remember. Suddenly a full on slot of pain jolted its way through his entire body and he started to choke and cough up a thick, red substance. Was that blood? He rolled onto his side crying out in pain. His whole body was on fire, and a large wave of nausea flowed over him. His throat burned as the vile vomit splashed onto the ground. He groaned loudly attempting to pull himself up. A rotten smell started to fill his nose and he held back the urge to throw up again.

The man sat up trying to assess his situation. He had been kidnapped, beaten, thrown and discarded deep into a forest. He laughed softly to himself at the irony of it all, but he quickly regretted it feeling another large wave of his torment engulf his body.

“I am getting too old for this,” he hissed to himself as he struggled to pull himself up against a tree. He froze when his eyes fell upon the source of the putrid smell. Just a few feet away from him, dead bodies rotting away in the hot, summer air. The burning sensation rose through his throat again and he slumped against the tree, letting the fluid spill out of his body. The faces of the men were unrecognizable, but he had not doubt in his mind he once knew them. The man’s fate was to lie decaying away next to them if he did not get himself out this mess.

He quickly wiped his mouth and glanced around at the forest floor, trying to find a good stick to walk with. His body screamed and torn muscles did not want to work properly. It had been a long time since he had been beaten to where everything hurt. Everything down to his big toe nail was beaten and bruised. Someone would pay for this. He pictured the face of the man who was the most probable suspect. How he would love to take his old, dark blade to his stomach, but that would have to wait.

The man winced with each breath that he took. It has also been a while since he felt the sting of breathing with broken ribs. Something deep down told him that he missed the excitement and enjoyment of this sort of life. Another chuckle escaped his lips just at the thought. “No man can run from his so called destiny, huh?” he asked the nothingness.

“Hell, where the heck am I?” he cursed into the forest; every word making the sharp pain dig deeper in his chest. His calculated mind quickly started to analyze what to do next. A list of things started to flood the imaginary paper before him. Another groan left his mouth as he took a small, staggering step south. Clenching his jaw hard, he held back the pain, he slowly made his way through the forest.



The man lay passed out, unconscious on the side of a dirt path. The path was overgrown with brush and weeds, indicating that few travelers passed this way through the forest. His body almost motionless expect for the rise and fall of his chest from his labored breathing. Sweat glistened off his body and the cuts that marred his tanned skin were starting to pus and swell. Dried blood matted his hair and tethered cloths.

Deep in his mind he was cursing himself for being weak. Two decades ago, this would not have happened to him. He would have caught the signs that someone had been following him, and that someone was lurking in his safe house. Never had he been ambushed and not aware of it. He was getting too rusty. He cursed at himself for not at the top of his game any longer. He left that life, but it came charging back full force with horns bared. He would be thrown back into the world that he escaped from so many years ago. He was tired, and not getting younger. His mind started to wonder, thoughts about surrendering to the darkness that surrounded him. To be lost in the great abyss, never having to worry about taking another man’s life, or dealing with the regret. Just as he was about to let his life slip into the deep shadows and he let the painful breathing finally come to an end, a jolt of pure, hot energy ran through his veins.

Fury filled every cell in his beginning. Who dare deny him death? Who would dare attempt to use magic on him to bring him back?! Had he not dealt with enough in his tormented life? He came to the conclusion that one of the gods must hate him. His mind was racing and his body tensed the moment he felt himself starting to gain consciousness again. He waited; playing possum, until he knew his vision had also come back to him. Quickly, faster than he thought he could move at the moment, he grabbed who’s ever hand it was hovering above him and quickly slammed it to the ground. He heard the familiar pop and crack that sent shivers up his neck in slight excitement. He jumped up and grabbed the woman’s dark hair and swiftly pinned her to the ground with all his strength, not caring if he broke anything or hurt her in any way. He smirked slightly liking that he had in fact hurt her.

“You should not have done that, whore,” he said through gritted teeth. The woman did not cry out or beg for him to let her go. She simply and calmly laid, pinned to the ground breathing heavily from exhaustion and having the wind knocked out of her. He studied her carefully, surprised at her nonexistent reaction. Than suddenly he let go of her and backed away, eyes wide in confusion.

He looked down at his hands, no longer covered in blood and dirt. His wounds were gone, along with the constant agony of breathing. He took a very large breath of air and laughed loudly when no pain came and the motions of exhaling felt refreshing. His whole body felt more alive than it had in ages. The mental sickness that was slowly eating away at his body was gone. He felt free. He bent down stretching and his mind soaked in the glory of his almost weightlessness. He had forgotten about the discarded girl whom managed to sit up and was watching him blankly with her dark, black eyes. Her sea blue robes where now covered in dirt and mud from the roadside. Her hair was still tousled; she made no move to fix it. Her dull eyes just watched his every move.

Another sensation started to rush over his body. His muscles tensed waiting to determine what type of magic it was that started to flow through him. It soon felt the same warm, pure magic course through his veins. But, as soon as he relaxed his body there was a spike in the magic current. It held malevolent power, and sent the hairs on the of his neck stand on edge. It quickly subsided as fast as it had appeared and returned the pristine presence. He slowly turned his head to turn and gazed into the young woman’s clouded over eyes. His own eyes widened in shock. He kept his body still, trying to analyze all possibilities that could come out of this.

You did not want to die, but we have determined that it is not your time, Tarhe. He held his breath when he felt a small pinch in his mind and than a woman’s voice filled his head. He slightly frowned blinking. He was sure his eyes were not playing tricks on him. The woman’s lips had not moved to allow any sound to project. The sound was not coming from the area around him, but inside him. He slowly let out his breath, his mind finally realizing what was happening.

“You have some nerve not letting me just die,” he said slightly bored. “Didn’t I already get rid of you guys? I already saved your asses once, I will not lend my daggers to your cause ag-“ he was cut off by the sound of the woman laughing.

Think of this as a gift from us, Metsu.

He winced at the word, Metsu. “Do not call me that,” he said softer than he had meant to. He watched as the woman’s face still remained static, not changing.

We do not give out…gifts like this out to everyone. You will take your second chance and make a difference yes? Or not, do whatever you please. We do not care. Just so long as you-

“I knew there was a catch. There is always a catch with you Mages damn it,” he said throwing his hands in the air. He paced, keeping his mind on the ground, trying to think things through. His hang idly rubbing his chin, and scratching his small beard. “What will happen with the girl?” he asked casting a slight nod to the woman’s way but not looking at her.

She is just a vessel for us. You can do what you…want with her. Have your way with her. The woman’s voice gave a haunting laugh. Tarhe frowned in disgust and he shook his head.

He paused his pacing and sighed softly. There was no way out of this mess. “What will you have me do?” he asked defeated.

Simply kill the men who did this to you. That is all we ask for. You managed to piss off some powerful men, which is a good thing for us. You want revenge, we want them gone. If you really want to die, death will come later. Probably sooner than you think it will. We can arrange something?

“You’re not very good at convincing someone,” he mumbled as he tried to weigh his options. “Fine, deal.” He said after a few minutes of listing the pro’s and con’s. Pro’s were that he was alive and his body felt like it was 15 years younger. He also has a chance to go kill off some bastards. Con’s were, well he would be dead.

Than it is a deal, Metsu. We will find a way to contact you again, the woman’s voice said with a hint of warning. He grimaced as he felt the magic flow quickly out of his being and he watched as the young woman fell and collapsed hard onto the ground.
Last edited by RainStormZ on Tue Oct 26, 2010 7:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey there Rain,

Tanya here for a review! :D

How he would love to take his dusty and old, dark blade to his stomach, but that would have to wait.
Did you really mean dusty? Or perhaps rusty? Because if you're implying that the blade is old, well, you've said it but it somehow doesn't fit to have a 'dusty' knife, I think.

The path was over grown with brush and weeds, indicating that few travels passed this way through the forest.
travelers, maybe?

“You should not have done that whore,” he said through gritted teeth.
there should be a comma between that and whore. You should go back and reread this piece, perhaps out loud, because I noticed one or two of these little mistakes. For instance, with no comma here, it sounds like he's telling her that 'she shouldn't have done that whore", instead of calling her whore, you get me?

She simply and calmly laid, pinned to the ground breathing heavily from exhausted and having the wind knocked out of her.
exhaustion

The mental sickness that was slowly eating away at his body was gone
um, I'm not sure what you mean by this. I mean, if it's a mental sickness, it should be driving him nuts, not eating away at his body, right?

It quickly subsided as quickly as it had appeared and returned the pristine presence.
the repitition of 'quickly' so close together is a real eye sore. I suggest removing the first which will help the flow of the sentence :D

“You’re not very good at convincing someone,” he mumbled as he tried to weight his options
If I'm not mistaken, it should be 'weigh'

Rain, done with the nitpicks! I'm as impressed this time as I was before when I read your chapters. Geez you're talented!!

I really liked this so far. you say so much with so little words. You didn't need to tell us experienced he was with killing and stuff, you simply let us into his head. Very nicely done.

As for titles, it's a little hard for now because we don't know the whole story but I suggest you write down the main elements of your story and play around with them. That's what I do when I'm stumped.

Hope this helps, can't wait to read the second part, and don't forget to go back and reread for commas!
Tanya :D




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Hullo,
Ill be reviewing your story, hope it helps :)

Before I get to the nitpicks and such, I'd like to say I really enjoyed your descriptions in the beginning. The part where the man was almost dying. You managed to put a lot of emotion into your choise of adjectives and the result is splendid. The story really dragged you in, in a good way of course :D, and Metsu was a real human being in my mind. That been said, onto the nitpicks. Unfortunately, there were quite a few minor errors, but let's see if I can sort some of them out:

the man starred at the blue sky

Should be stared

There were a few dead bodies rotting away in the hot, summer air.

I like this sentence, but I think you should use another word than few. By using few, it makes it seem as if the bodies are of no great importance. And I'm pretty sure dead bodies are of some importance :D.

It has also been awhile since he felt the sting of breathing with broken ribs

A and while should have a space inbetween them I think. I could be wrong though.

His calculated mind quickly started to analyze what to do next

I think you meant calculating here.

Clenching his jaw hard holding back the pain, he slowly made his way through the forest.

There should be a comma between hard and holding. As a matter of fact, there's something wrong in this sentence, I don't know how to explain it, but when you use clenching, and then holding, it just doesn't flow right. Try saying it outloud, it seems funny. Try "Clenching his jaw to hold back the pain, he slowly..." or something like that. Hope you got anything out of that :D

path was over grown with brush and weeds

It's spelled together, overgrown. I thinks... :D

Never had he been ambushed and not aware of it.

...not been aware of it.

He cursed at himself for not at the top of his game any longer

...not being at the top... Also, I would write "He cursed himself" instead of "cursed at himself". A personal preference only though.

, but it came charging back full force with horns barred

...horns bared.

the discarded girl that managed to sit up and was watching him blankly with her dark, black eyes

Should be "whom had managed", seeing as she is a person not an object and also add the had.

Another sensation started rush over his body.

Either "rushing" or "to rush", you can use either one.

His muscles tensed waiting for to determine

There should be a comma between tensed and waiting. Also, lose the "for", it's confusing.

We do not give out, gifts like this out to everyone

There's no need for a comma here, nor for the second "out".

He paced, keeping his eyes on the ground, trying to think things through. His hand idly rubbed his chin and scratched his small beard

The bolded words I changed, and I added a few commas

Than it is a deal, Metsu.

Should be Then

...................................................

This turned out to be a pretty long review, but I hope it helps. As mentioned before me, read the story through out loud. You will notice that you're missing a decent amount of commas, just put them where you would naturally pause while reading.
Overall, I really liked your idea, just clean up the grammer mistakes and everything's swell. The flow was perfct, neither too fast, nor too slow, that's something that many people have a hard time in, so congrats on that :). You're a talented writer, and with practice I'm sure your stories will be amazing ^^

Really hoping this review doesn't bore you out of your mind,

|Life|
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
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Tanya and Watingforlife, Thanks so much!! :D I was so excited that I actually finished this first half, I posted it right away. I finished it at like 4 in the morning. I attempted to proofread but as you can see, I was so tired I missed a crap ton! I did go through and make the changes you both suggested, thank you for taking the time out to point those out to me!! :) I plan on going through tonight to re-read it again. :p Can never proofread too many times. I am very happy you guys enjoyed this! It has been a real pain in the butt, let me tell you. For some reason, this character is hard for me. I can't wait to get Part two out to you guys! :D

-Rain




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Spoiler
RainStormZ wrote:
As he lay on the ground, taking deep, painful breaths, the man stared at the blue sky that floated above the treetops, [The sky floats?] wondering what had just occurred. Large white spots blurred his vision, [I'm having difficulty imagining this] and his head throbbed. Every time he blinked, his head exploded into a hot fury of pain [Were his eyelids laced with acid?]. Slowly, his breaths started to become shallower and shorter, and his body tingled with shock, [How does shock "tingle"? I can only imagine electrical shock doing this. If this is, in fact, the case, disregard this comment] attempting to push the intense waves of pain at bay. The man’s mind was slowly starting to register the events that took place.

How many of them were there? He couldn't remember. Suddenly a full on slot of pain [What kind of pain is this? What is a "slot" of pain?] jolted its way through his entire body, and he started to choke and cough up a thick, red substance. Was that blood? He rolled onto his side crying out in pain. His whole body was on fire, and a large wave of nausea flowed over him. His throat burned as the vile vomit splashed onto the ground. [So is this vomit or is this blood?] He groaned loudly attempting to pull himself up. A rotten smell started to fill his nose and he held back the urge to throw up again.

The man sat up, trying to assess his situation. He had been kidnapped, beaten, thrown and discarded deep into a forest. He laughed softly to himself at the irony of it all, but he quickly regretted it, feeling another large wave of his torment engulf his body.

“I am getting too old for this,” he hissed [not sure about the word choice here for "hissed", I think "wheezed" would work better] to himself as he struggled to pull himself up against a tree. He froze when his eyes fell upon the source of the putrid smell. [Did his eyes fall out? I'd use "sight" instead of "eyes"] Just a few feet away from him, dead bodies rotting away in the hot, summer air. [This sentence makes no sense. Maybe "...from him, dead bodies were rotting away..."?] The burning sensation rose through his throat again and he slumped against the tree, letting the fluid spill out of his body. ["Fluid" is vague. Unless this is a plot point later on, by this time I'd state whether this was vomit or blood] The faces of the men were unrecognizable, but he had no doubt in his mind that he once knew them. The man’s fate was to lie decaying away next to them if he did not get himself out this mess.

He quickly wiped his mouth and glanced around at the forest floor, trying to find a good stick to walk with. His body screamed and torn muscles did not want to work properly. [So far, it sounds like he's in too much trouble to walk at all... and now we find out he has torn muscles. How did he get up again?] It had been a long time since he had been beaten to the point where everything hurt. Everything down to his big toe nail was beaten and bruised. Someone would pay for this. He pictured the face of the man who was the most probable suspect. How he would love to take his old, dark blade to his stomach, but that would have to wait.

The man winced with each breath that he took. It has also been a while since he felt the sting of breathing with broken ribs. Something deep down told him that he missed the excitement and enjoyment of this sort of life. [He missed vomiting blood, ripping his muscles, and generally being near-dead?] Another chuckle escaped his lips just at the thought. “No man can run from his so called destiny, huh?” he asked the nothingness.

“Hell, where the heck am I?” he cursed into the forest; every word making the sharp pain dig deeper in his chest. [Why??? Why is he making himself hurt more?] His calculated mind ["Calculated"? You mean "calculating"?] quickly started to analyze what to do next. A list of things started to flood the imaginary paper before him. Another groan left his mouth as he took a small, staggering step south. Clenching his jaw hard, he held back the pain, he slowly made his way through the forest.



The man lay passed out, unconscious on the side of a dirt path. [This the same man?] The path was overgrown with brush and weeds, indicating that few travellers passed this way through the forest. His body almost motionless, except for the rise and fall of his chest from his labored breathing. Sweat glistened off his body and the cuts that marred his tanned skin were starting to pus and swell. Dried blood matted his hair and tethered cloths.

Deep in his mind he was cursing himself for being weak. Two decades ago, this would not have happened to him. He would have caught the signs that someone had been following him, and that someone was lurking in his safe house. Never had he been ambushed and not aware of it. He was getting too rusty. He cursed at himself for not at the top of his game any longer. He left that life, but it came charging back full force with horns bared. He would be thrown back into the world that he escaped from so many years ago. He was tired, and not getting younger. His mind started to wonder, thoughts about surrendering to the darkness that surrounded him. To be lost in the great abyss, never having to worry about taking another man’s life, or dealing with the regret. Just as he was about to let his life slip into the deep shadows and he let the painful breathing finally come to an end, a jolt of pure, hot energy ran through his veins.

Fury filled every cell in his beginning. Who dare deny him death? Who would dare attempt to use magic on him to bring him back?! Had he not dealt with enough in his tormented life? He came to the conclusion that one of the gods must hate him. His mind was racing and his body tensed the moment he felt himself starting to gain consciousness again. He waited; playing possum, until he knew his vision had also come back to him. Quickly, faster than he thought he could move at the moment, he grabbed who’s ever hand it was hovering above him and quickly slammed it to the ground. [Just the hand, not the rest of the person?] He heard the familiar pop and crack that sent shivers up his neck in slight excitement. He jumped up and grabbed the woman’s dark hair and swiftly pinned her to the ground with all his strength, not caring if he broke anything or hurt her in any way. He smirked slightly liking that he had in fact hurt her.

“You should not have done that, whore,” he said through gritted teeth. The woman did not cry out or beg for him to let her go. She simply and calmly laid, pinned to the ground breathing heavily from exhaustion and having the wind knocked out of her. He studied her carefully, surprised at her nonexistent reaction. Than suddenly he let go of her and backed away, eyes wide in confusion.

He looked down at his hands, no longer covered in blood and dirt. His wounds were gone, along with the constant agony of breathing. He took a very large breath of air and laughed loudly when no pain came and the motions of exhaling felt refreshing. His whole body felt more alive than it had in ages. The mental sickness that was slowly eating away at his body was gone. He felt free. [Uh... didn't he just want to die a minute ago?] He bent down stretching and his mind soaked in the glory of his almost weightlessness. He had forgotten about the discarded girl, who managed to sit up and was watching him blankly with her dark, black eyes. Her sea blue robes were now covered in dirt and mud from the roadside. Her hair was still tousled; she made no move to fix it. Her dull eyes just watched his every move. [She sounds kind of like a zombie]

Another sensation started to rush over his body. His muscles tensed waiting to determine what type of magic it was that started to flow through him. It soon felt the same warm, pure magic course through his veins. ["It soon felt... magic course through his veins"? Who is "it"?] But, as soon as he relaxed his body there was a spike in the magic current. It held malevolent power, and sent the hairs on the of his neck stand on edge. It quickly subsided as fast as it had appeared and returned the pristine presence. [What is "pristine presence"?] He slowly turned his head to turn and gazed into the young woman’s clouded over eyes. His own eyes widened in shock. He kept his body still, trying to analyze all possibilities that could come out of this.

You did not want to die, but we have determined that it is not your time, Tarhe. He held his breath when he felt a small pinch in his mind [What is a "pinch" in one's mind?] and then a woman’s voice filled his head. He slightly frowned, blinking. He was sure his eyes were not playing tricks on him. The woman’s lips had not moved to allow any sound to project. The sound was not coming from the area around him, but inside him. He slowly let out his breath, his mind finally realizing what was happening. [Silly Tarhe, the zombie is telepathic! I kid, I kid because I love...]

“You have some nerve not letting me just die,” he said, slightly bored. “Didn’t I already get rid of you guys? I already saved your asses once, I will not lend my daggers to your cause ag-“ he was cut off by the sound of the woman laughing.

Think of this as a gift from us, Metsu.

He winced at the word, Metsu. “Do not call me that,” he said softer than he had meant to. He watched as the woman’s face still remained static, not changing.

We do not give out…gifts like this out to everyone. You will take your second chance and make a difference, yes? Or not, do whatever you please. We do not care. Just so long as you-

“I knew there was a catch. There is always a catch with you Mages, damn it,” he said throwing his hands in the air. He paced, keeping his mind on the ground, trying to think things through. His hand idly rubbing his chin, and scratching his small beard. [Sentence fragment. Hardcore sentence fragment. I'd suggest you re-read it and re-write it] “What will happen with the girl?” he asked, casting a slight nod to the woman’s way but not looking at her.

She is just a vessel for us. You can do what you…want with her. Have your way with her. The woman’s voice gave a haunting laugh. Tarhe frowned in disgust and he shook his head. [So she WAS a zombie...]

He paused his pacing and sighed softly. There was no way out of this mess. “What will you have me do?” he asked, defeated. [Why would he do anything for these people? He did not want to be saved, did he?]

Simply kill the men who did this to you. That is all we ask for. You managed to piss off some powerful men, which is a good thing for us. You want revenge, we want them gone. If you really want to die, death will come later. Probably sooner than you think it will. We can arrange something?

“You’re not very good at convincing someone,” he mumbled as he tried to weigh his options. “Fine, deal.” He said after a few minutes of listing the pros and cons. Pros were that he was alive and his body felt like it was 15 years younger. He also has a chance to go kill off some bastards. Cons were, well, he would be dead.

Than it is a deal, Metsu. We will find a way to contact you again, the woman’s voice said with a hint of warning. [So the woman is speaking directly now rather than telepathically?]He grimaced as he felt the magic flow quickly out of his being and he watched as the young woman fell and collapsed [Who collapsed? The woman or the man? If it was the woman, you already stated that she fell, no need to reiterate] hard onto the ground.


The spoiler above contains my full text review. My comments are in [red brackets]. A word simply highlighted in red means that I have fixed a spelling or grammar mistake there, and a word highlighted in orange means there's another word exactly like it somewhere nearby, and therefore breaks the flow.

From a technical perspective, you rely too much on the verbs "to start" and "to be". As a general rule, try to avoid using both of these unless absolutely necessary (as in, "He started the machine..."). "Started to think" can be re-written as "A dark thought crawled into his head...", and so on. You also have a bit of an issue with proper placement of commas - many of these are missing. I've highlighted the ones I added myself in red, in case if you wish to correct your piece.

I don't understand the main male character's feelings at this point. At the beginning, it really sounded like he wasn't enjoying the massive pain he was in. Then he didn't mind it when he thought he was about to die. Then he flipped out at a mage for reviving him, and then he agreed to do a favour for the same mage because that mage revived him. Very inconsistent. The girl-vessel also made me think: it seems that whoever sent her is at least decently far away, and somebody in a blue dress would probably be prone to an attack on the way to the main character. Quite the fashion for someone considered a vessel, at that. However, these are just my own concerns, and I suppose they could be answered in upcoming chapters.

If a plot is there, it is absolutely opaque at this point. There are some hints at a backstory, but I would appreciate a few more bread-crumbs of information to hook me and wonder what happened to the MC and why he was attacked. I can't even say much about the scene, either, as there isn't much conflict to be seen - just several paragraphs of describing the guy and his terrible, terrible pain.

Now that we've finished all the tough carbonCore criticism (©) on our plate, let's move on to what I did like. The way the mage approached the task - that is, with a psychic healing zombie and not him/herself - intrigued me and made me wonder at the magic system you've got set up. The male MC, though quite inconsistent right now, has a few shining examples of badassery going on. As it goes right now, I would absolutely love to see a situation such as this taking place: the male MC feels sorry for the "vessel", who is now left semi-catatonic, and takes her under her care while kicking ass left and right on his hardcore adventure. This may be idle fantasy (har har har), but, as I said, it's something I'd like to see.

Best of luck.
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Grammatical nitpicking to ensue! :) Let me just start off by saying that I really like the story idea, and it's very interesting to read. I look forward to the further chapters! :D
Spoiler
As he lay on the ground, taking deep, painful breaths, the man stared at the blue sky that floated above the treetops, wondering what had just occurred. Large white spots blurred his vision and his head throbbed. Every time he blinked, his head exploded into a hot fury of pain. Slowly, his breaths started to become shallower and shorter, and his body tingled with shock, attempting to push the intense waves of pain at bay. The man’s mind slowly started to register the events that took place.

How many of them were there? He couldn't remember. Suddenly a full I think you meant 'onslaught' of pain jolted its way through his entire body and he started to choke and cough up a thick, red substance. Was that blood? He rolled onto his side, crying out in pain. His whole body was on fire, and a large wave of nausea flowed over him. His throat burned as the vile vomit splashed onto the ground. He groaned loudly, attempting to pull himself up. A rotten smell started to fill his nose and he held back the urge to throw up again.

“I am getting too old for this,” he hissed to himself as he struggled to pull himself up against a tree. He froze when his eyes fell upon the source of the putrid smell. Just a few feet away from him, dead bodies were beginning to rot away in the hot, summer air.

He quickly wiped his mouth and glanced around at the forest floor, trying to find a good stick to walk with. His body screamed and his torn muscles did not want to work properly. It had been a long time since he had been beaten to where everything hurt. Everything down to his big toenail was beaten and bruised. Someone would pay for this. He pictured the face of the man who was the most probable suspect. How he would love to take his old, dark blade to his stomach, but that would have to wait.

“Hell, where the heck am I?” he cursed into the forest, every word making the sharp pain dig deeper in his chest. His calculated mind quickly started to analyze what to do next. A list of things started to flood the imaginary paper before him. Another groan left his mouth as he took a small, staggering step south. Clenching his jaw hard, he held back the pain and slowly made his way through the forest.

This is a little confusing to me. Is it the same man?

The man lay passed out, unconscious on the side of a dirt path. The path was overgrown with brush and weeds, indicating that few travelers passed this way through the forest. His body almost motionless except for the rise and fall of his chest from his labored breathing. Sweat glistened off his body and the cuts that marred his tanned skin were starting to pus and swell. Dried blood matted his hair and tattered clothes.

Deep in his mind he was cursing himself for being weak. Two decades ago, this would not have happened to him. He would have caught the signs that someone had been following him, and that someone was lurking in his safe house. Never had he been ambushed and not aware of it. He was getting too rusty. He cursed at himself for not at the top of his game any longer. He left that life, but it came charging back full force with horns bared. He would be thrown back into the world that he escaped from so many years ago. He was tired, and not getting younger. His mind started to wonder(wander?), thoughts filling his head (or something like that) about surrendering to the darkness that surrounded him. To be lost in the great abyss, never having to worry about taking another man’s life, or dealing with the regret. Just as he was about to let his life slip into the deep shadows [not needed]let the painful breathing finally come to an end, a jolt of pure, hot energy ran through his veins.

Fury filled every cell in his beginning. Who dared deny him death? Who would dare attempt to use magic on him to bring him back?! Had he not dealt with enough in his tormented life? He came to the conclusion that one of the gods must hate him. His mind was racing and his body tensed the moment he felt himself starting to gain consciousness again. He waited, playing possum, until he knew his vision had also come back to him. Quickly, faster than he thought he could move at the moment, he grabbed the hand that was hovering above him and quickly slammed it to the ground. He heard the familiar pop and crack that sent shivers up his neck in slight excitement. He jumped up and grabbed the woman’s dark hair and swiftly pinned her to the ground with all his strength, not caring if he broke anything or hurt her in any way. He smirked, slightly liking that he had in fact hurt her.

“You should not have done that, whore,” he said through gritted teeth. The woman did not cry out or beg for him to let her go. She simply and calmly laid, pinned to the ground ,breathing heavily from exhaustion and having the wind knocked out of her. He studied her carefully, surprised at her nonexistent reaction. Than suddenly he let go of her and backed away, eyes wide in confusion.

He looked down at his hands, no longer covered in blood and dirt. His wounds were gone, along with the constant agony of breathing. He took a very large breath of air and laughed loudly when no pain came and the motions of exhaling felt refreshing. His whole body felt more alive than it had in ages. The mental sickness that was slowly eating away at his mind (if it's mental, it shouldn't have to do with his body) was gone. He felt free. He bent down, stretching, and his mind soaked in the glory of his almost weightlessness. He had forgotten about the discarded girl, who had managed to sit up and was watching him blankly with her dark, black eyes. Her sea blue robes where now covered in dirt and mud from the roadside. Her hair was still tousled; she made no move to fix it. Her dull eyes just watched his every move.

Another sensation started to rush over his body. His muscles tensed, waiting to determine what type of magic it was that started to flow through him. It soon felt the same warm, pure magic course through his veins. But, as soon as he relaxed his body there was a spike in the magic current. It held malevolent power, and made the hairs on the of his neck stand on edge. It quickly subsided as fast as it had appeared and returned the pristine presence.A little awkwardly phrased, in my opinion. He slowly turned his head to turn and gazed into the young woman’s clouded-over eyes. His own eyes widened in shock. He kept his body still, trying to analyze all possibilities that could come out of this.

You did not want to dieI thought he wanted to die?, but we have determined that it is not your time, Tarhe. He held his breath when he felt a small pinch in his mind and then a woman’s voice filled his head.The timing in this is a little weird. Should this be placed before the voice spoke? He frowned slightly, blinking. He was sure his eyes were not playing tricks on him. The woman’s lips had not moved to allow any sound to project. The sound was not coming from the area around him, but inside him. He slowly let out his breath, his mind finally realizing what was happening.

“You have some nerve not letting me just die,” he said, slightly bored. “Didn’t I already get rid of you guys? I already saved your asses once, I will not lend my daggers to your cause ag-“ he was cut off by the sound of the woman laughing.

He winced at the word, Metsu. “Do not call me that,” he said softer than he had meant to. He watched as the woman’s face don't need the 'still'remained static, not changing.

We do not give out…gifts like this out to everyone. You will take your second chance and make a difference, yes? Or not, do whatever you please. We do not care. Just so long as you-

“I knew there was a catch. There is always a catch with you Mages, damn it,” he said throwing his hands in the air. He paced, keeping his mind on the ground and trying to think things through. His hands idly rubbed his chin and scratched his small beard. “What will happen I would say 'to her' here, because calling her a girl and then a woman is a little confusing.?” he asked casting a slight nod to the woman’s way but not looking at her.

She is just a vessel for us. You can do what you…want with her. Have your way with her. The woman’s voice gave a haunting laugh. Tarhe frowned in disgust and don't need to repeat the pronounshook his head.

He paused his pacing and sighed softly. There was no way out of this mess. “What will you have me do?” he asked, defeated.

Simply kill the men who did this to you. That is all we ask for. You managed to piss off some powerful men, which is a good thing for us. You want revenge, we want them gone. If you really want to die, death will come later. Probably sooner than you think it will. We can arrange something.

“You’re not very good at convincing someone,” he mumbled as he tried to weigh his options. “Fine, deal.” He said after a few minutes of listing the pros and consno apostrophes in pros or cons. Pros were that he was alive and his body felt like it was 15 years younger. He also has a chance to go kill off some bastards. Cons were, well he would be dead.

I took out the paragraphs that needed no correction, so don't worry that I've missed part of it :P
I really like the premise so far! Just brush up a little on comma use and keep up the fantastic writing! :)




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Hi Rain! Pink here, dropping by for a review :)
As he lay on the ground, taking deep, painful breaths, the man stared at the blue sky that floated above the treetops wondering what had just occurred. Large white spots blurred his vision and his head throbbed. Every time he blinked, his head exploded into a hot fury of pain. Slowly, his breaths started to become shallower and shorter, and his body tingled with shock attempting to push the intense waves of pain at bay. The man’s mind was slowly starting to register the events that took place.

First of all, I think you have a lovely opener. It's deep and cutting, nicely written and pulls you in. My only real nitpick with this part would be the first sentence which seemed to drag a bit. I think you could chop it up a little. Sometimes short sentences can do wonders, especially in these circumstances where you're describing feelings or actions with your character. Although, it does vary. Nice opening, nonetheless.
Suddenly a full on slot of pain jolted its way through his entire body and he started to choke and cough up a thick, red substance.

Comma after suddenly. You're also having some trouble with comma placements so I suggest you take a second to review those rules. Also, try rewording this a bit to tighten up your sentence structure. Example:
"Suddenly, a shot of pain jolted up through his body and he choked, coughing up a thick, red substance."
Of course, there are various ways you could take this and try experimenting with them. There is not right or wrong. Just what sounds better in that given text.
Cut out unnecessary words that clump the sentences. Good writers know how to get a point across in strong, short words and sentences.
His whole body was on fire, and a large wave of nausea flowed over him. His throat burned as the vile vomit splashed onto the ground. He groaned loudly attempting to pull himself up. A rotten smell started to fill his nose and he held back the urge to throw up again.

You have a problem concerning repetition with the word 'he/him'.
I understand that you're using third person here but still, you need to keep an eye out for that repetition. Same thing would go for first person/ second person. I would suggest limiting yourself to one-two "he/him" per paragraph. Of course, you can go beyond that if necessary. But keep it to a minimum.
Anyway, experiment with your sentences and figure out a way to make it work with your writing.
“No man can run from his so called destiny, huh?” he asked the nothingness.

Poor choice of words with nothingness. I would change it to something more intriguing. Perhaps, clearance? Emptiness is nearby but I'd look for something stronger. I can't think of one right now...
Never had he been ambushed and not aware of it.

A bit of awkward wording here.
or hurt her in any way. He smirked slightly liking that he had in fact hurt her.

I actually dislike the repetition of 'hurt' here. Maybe change the sentences a bit?
with her dark, black eyes.

Dark and black? They mean the same thing, don't they?

Overall, I'm not going to go through and do deep nitpicks of this. As others have already nitpicked the living penguins out of here. Haha. I think you have an interesting idea here. I mean, it's not that bad, it 'sounds' good but you failed to give us information concerning the real plot of this. What it all means. We're left confused and starting off with the scene that you started off with is already confusing. We have lots of questions and it hard when you add more characters to the play and more information that we don't understand. With that said, it might be hard for readers to keep interest for it might bother them.

Casting the negatives aside, however. I think you had a pretty decent piece. Your writing skills are nice but they need some tweaking. The more you write and understand things, the better you'll get. You're good, don't get me wrong but there is always room for improvement. Continue writing and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Best of luck with the rest of this.
Cheers,

-Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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I really enjoyed reading this, although it was confusing- its only the beginning- and a little overly dramatic, in my opinion.
But keep up the good work! I'll definitly check out what comes next...



Look closely. The beautiful may be small.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher