Grandmother's Watch.

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Grandmother's Watch

The coffee mug clicked against the glass plate underneath as he lifted it to his mouth, the contents sloshing against the sides due to his shaking hands. A light steam rose from the dark brown liquid as he drank deeply, sighing contentedly as he set it back down onto the plate next to him. The elderly man closed his eyes and mleaned his head against the back of the couch, listening to the quiet groans of the old house and remembering when his wife had been alive. Ethel, bless her soul, had been his only love since they'd met in college at one of his friend's parties. She had been shy, never one to talk much, but he'd found a certain spark that made him believe she would speak her mind if need be. The click of the deadbolt sent him sitting upright. He hadn't been expecting company, certainly he would have remembered if he'd invited anyone over for a cup of tea or coffee, but there was the unmistakeable sound of the door creaking open and a footstep slap against the hardwood flooring.

He rose from his place on the couch, slouched over from years of hard labor working on the farm that rested behind his estate. "Who's there?" he rasped, reaching to grab his cane. There was another, louder, sound that made him freeze with his cane in hand. "Don't move." he heard a rough voice speak. It wasn't a man, there was no doubt about it, considering no man would lower his voice to such a faulty point where it sounded as though he were being choked. Men in this town would also have a southern lilt to their words, whereas this intruder spoke with a distinctive lowness to their voice. The old man straightened himself, hearing the crack of joints as he rose to his full height which wasn't much. His filmy grey eyes spotted the small wooden box his wife had given him. "Defend it with your life." she had said, and now it seemed she was testing him. "I will." he whispered quietly to no one in particular before giving a dry cough and turning around with slow wary movements.

He had been right, it was a woman. She sported an outfit taylored entirely of the finest black leather found and she wore a mask the covered only her eyes by a filmy sort of fabric that was thin enough to see through but not enough so as to distinguish color. "What do you want?" he asked, his eyes moving to her outstretched hand where the gun wavered only slightly. It seemed she didn't enjoy killing, that much was easily told, but she wouldn't hesitate if it came to it. "You know what I want, old man." she had given up the act, her voice still low and dangerous with a slight british accent but it also carried a softness that most female's had. "I'm afraid I don't, madam." he responded, and it was true. He knew only of the box, not of what was inside of it. Ethel had never been one do dive into details unless necessary and at the time she had obviously seen that it only be fit he know to protect the box. "I want the watch." she said, annoyed now that he was obvlivious to what it was she wanted. The man stood slightly straighter, perhaps that was what was in the box. Heedless to the object, it was his job to assure that his beloved's wishes were not failed to be met.

"I don't know where it is." he answered, his expression honest. He had liked to act, and now his skills were put to the test. "I do believe your lying." she answered him, in a tone that threatened. His hand clenched around his cane, his breathing still normal and without any expression of concern at the gun aimed just above his eyes, he turned settled his gaze on a spot behind her. "And If I tell you nothing?" he asked her, accepting his fate. He'd known he would die, why fear it coming from the hand of another? "I will pull this trigger." she tapped it with her slender, manicured finger. "If I tell you something?" he asked, again curiosity as to what she would do made his tongue loose. He could see her warring an internal battle. "You see, no matter what I do, I am a dead man. To give the information, is death. To withold it, is death." he said it matter-of-factly, the thought of joining his Ethel did not scare him. "The information will help a greater cause." she answered, "Your death will not have been for nothing, merely so that others do not gather this information, as I have." she said, it was as though she had already earned his information and he waved a frail, veined hand. "I shall tell you nothing, not because I do not want to, but because I have promised, vowed if you will." he told her, and then he closed his grey gaze and waited for the trigger to be pulled.

"I appologize that I must do this, but a fate worse than this would be yours if you were to be left living." she told him softly, it sounded like regret was burried in her harshened voice but he was prepared to die. Prepared to join his Ethel. The sound of the gunshot was barely registered before the darkness was all that he saw, all that he was.

She worked quickly, clearing away any evidence. Any trace of blood that had touched the ground after she had shot him, before moving to wipe anything taht she may have touched- which had been little- before turning to the body that lay crumpled on the floor. The elderly man looked much frailer in death than he had while living, they always did. His pale skin was much paler, like ivory and even though there was pain etched onto his face there was still a smile on his lips. His hand outstretched as though to meet someone's touch. She reached down, a stray piece of hair falling into her face before she cursed quietly. If she left anything for the police to test she would be found, and that may be worse than death. She couldn't let that happen. Removing the man's clothing silently while leaving on his undergarment's so as not to undignify him, she grabbed the body and hoisted it up over her shoulder before making her way out towards the back of the house. The body weighed little, but it was enough to make her sweat in the summer's heat and the clothing in her hands clung to her sweaty palms and traces of the still fresh blood turned them pink.

The elderly man had lived on a farm, that she knew from having researched her victim's history while trying to find the elusive watch. She pushed her way into the tall stalks f corn that spread throughout thirty three acres from a total of eighty four. She stopped only a few feet into the corn field and dropped the body at her feet before turning to leave. A small gap in the rows permitted her to see the vehicle that was currently pulling up into theh gravel driveway. Another quiet curse escaped her lips before she pushed her way through the cornfield, away from the house, going as fast as she dared so as not to sway the stalks. Her feet pounded the ground, crunching the dry leaves that had fallen from the stalks, the paper-thin leaves slicing any exposed skin on her face and shoulders.

When she reached the end of the field she slowed, closing her eyes for a brief moment before reopening them. She hated the feeling of being hunted, but it was a part of her life. She'd always been the hunter, searching for the watch that seemed to slip through her grasp when she came close enough to it and yet always having to run before a proper search because of her hunters, the ones who'd like her skin as a warm jacket, lined with fur. She curled her lip, revealing her teeth at nothing, an expression of disgust. They were lowly scum that had to follow her footprints to exit the maze because if she suddenly vanished among the trees they'd wander in circles without a clue that the sun was setting.

An uneasy, nauseating feeling invaded her gut and she turned to see if she was being followed. Her instincts were beginning to kick in, but she continued walking until she finally heard the soft crunch of her persuers footsteps behind her. There was the sound of a gun being cocked, and she had just enough time to whirl and face her aggressor while she got a good look at his face. "Vinx." she breathed, shocked that he would be the one to find her. He only shook his head, and that was when he pulled the trigger. Time seemed to slow, and she immediately dodged, rolling to the side before staring him straight in the eyes. "To hell with you then, brother." and then she took her own gun from the holster at her waist and aimed at the space between his eyes and pulled the trigger. Her brother strumbled backwards before collapsing to the ground, she didn't bother cleaning up. She wasn't sure why they wanted the watch, but she knew that she had to get it before they did.
Last edited by WrittenInStone on Mon Dec 13, 2010 8:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
To fly away on gossamer wings, sheer as night's reflective glow, I would could I cradle child hecate to my breast.

|| Wisp. ||




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WrittenInStone wrote:Grandmother's Watch


The coffee mug clicked against the glass plate underneath as he lifted it to his mouth, the contents sloshing against the sides due to his shaking hands. A light steam rose from the dark brown liquid as he drank deeply, sighing as he set it back down onto the plate next to him. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the back of the couch, listening to the quiet groans of the old house and remembering when his wife had been alive. The click of the deadbolt had him sit upright.It would sound better if you said it sent him sittng upright He hadn't expected company so late in the afternoon, certainly he would have remembered, but there was the unmistakeable sound of the door creaking open and a footstep slap against the hardwood floor. This sentence doesn't seem to flow. I think you should elaborate on certainly he would have... and make this whole sentence divided by adding a semi colon or making it two sentences. He rose from his place on the couch, slouched over from years of hard labor working the farm that rested behind his estate. "Who's there?" he rasped, reaching out to grab his cane. Something clicked from behind him, "Don't move." he heard a rough voice speak. It wasn't a man, he knew It would sound better if you said It wasn't a man, there was no doubt about it.. Men in this town would never have spoken with such a distinctive lowness to his voice. Ignoring the woman's words, he turned around with slow, wary movements as he turned to face the intruder. This last sentence doesn't make sense. Change it into saying something like he moved warily, as he turned to face the intruder.

He had been right, it was a woman, wearing a mask that covered only her eyes and an outfit taylored of only take out only the finest black leather found. "What do you want?" he asked, his eyes moving to her outstretched hand where a gun wavered only take out only slightly. He frowned, and she wouldn't hesitate to kill him if necessary. "You know what I want, old man." she had given up the act, her voice still low and dangerous but with the softness that most female's had. "I'm afraid I don't." he responded cautiously as she jerked the gun towards his bedroom door. "I want the watch." she said, annoyed now that he didn't know what it was she was talking about. The man stood slightly straighter, knowing that if she wanted the watch that she'd have a reason to want it. "I'm not going to explain." she hissed, knowing what it was he wanted by his expression. He looked around his old estate, his eyes moving from the torn fabric couch to the coffee table that still held his steaming cup of coffee before his gaze returned to her masked face. "I don't have it." he told her, his expression honest. "Wrong answer." she responded casually, aiming the gun at his forehead before pulling the trigger. This paragraph moves a little fast. It's not that long when she's first coming into his house and then shooting him. The man has no fear and acts as if it's normal for someone to just walk into his house which is weird. Also there are various times where you use comma's and periods would work better (I'll explain that later)

She worked quickly, cleaning evidence of any trace of blood before moving to wipe away anything that she may have touched -which had been little- and then turning to the body that lay crumpled on the floor. The elderly man looked much frailer in death than he had while living, they always did. She reached down, a stray piece of hair falling into her face before she cursed quietly. If she left anything for the police to test she would be found and she couldn't let that happen. She removed the man's clothing silently, before grabbing the body and hoisting it up over her shoulder and making her way through to the back of the house. He lived on a farm, that she knew from having researched the man's history while trying to find the watch, and she pushed her way into the tall stalks of corn that spread throughout thirty three acres from a total of eighty four. She stopped only a few meters away from the entrance of the corn field, and dropped the body at her feet before turning to leave. It was then that she spotted the vehicle pulling up into the gravel driveway. Another quiet curse escaped her mouth before she pushed her way through the cornfield, going as fast as she possibly could while being cut by the paper thin leaves on the stalks. Once again you have an extensive use of commas and a lack of periods. For example when you said He lived on a farm, that she knew from having researched the man's history while trying to find the watch, and she pushed her way into the tall stalks of corn that spread throughout thirty three acres from a total of eighty four. You could easily make this two sentences and if you did the sentences wouldn't be short and choppy, they would be a good length.

When she'd reached the end of the field she slowed, closing her eyes for a brief moment before reopening them. She hated the feeling of being hunted, always having to be on the watch for those who'd ordered her to find the watch. She only looked as far as the woman's distant relations on the family tree and had found that man who'd apparently known nothing of the whereabouts of the watch. She wasn't sure why they wanted the watch, but she knew she had to get it before they did. To me, the last paragraph was confusing to read.


-- That's the beginning, so far. Hope you liked it..


Oveall, it was a well written piece. I liked your word choice, description, and idea of the story. The only thing that was wrong with it was that it overused commas at many times. Many places where you use commas you need to use semi colons or periods. The story also seemed to be going a little fast. The elderly man seemed like an important character, but then he just dies. It wasn't that long, and if you could elaborate it and add more it would have been an even better piece. This was a great hook to introduce us to the story you were going to be writing. The only thing that bugged me was the COMMAS. If you fix that I will be happy to re-read and re-edit it. Sorry if this is harsh.

-lilgreendots
Incarceron is a prison like no other
It gives life
It deals death

It Watches All

Incarceron
By: Catherine Fisher


For more information about the book click here!

Need a Review Click Here!




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 4670
Reviews 51
WrittenInStone wrote:Grandmother's Watch


The coffee mug clicked against the glass plate underneath as he lifted it to his mouth, the contents sloshing against the sides due to his shaking hands. A light steam rose from the dark brown liquid as he drank deeply, sighing as he set it back down onto the plate next to him. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the back of the couch, listening to the quiet groans of the old house and remembering when his wife had been alive. The click of the deadbolt had him sit upright.It would sound better if you said it sent him sittng upright He hadn't expected company so late in the afternoon, certainly he would have remembered, but there was the unmistakeable sound of the door creaking open and a footstep slap against the hardwood floor. This sentence doesn't seem to flow. I think you should elaborate on certainly he would have... and make this whole sentence divided by adding a semi colon or making it two sentences. He rose from his place on the couch, slouched over from years of hard labor working the farm that rested behind his estate. "Who's there?" he rasped, reaching out to grab his cane. Something clicked from behind him, "Don't move." he heard a rough voice speak. It wasn't a man, he knew It would sound better if you said It wasn't a man, there was no doubt about it.. Men in this town would never have spoken with such a distinctive lowness to his voice. Ignoring the woman's words, he turned around with slow, wary movements as he turned to face the intruder. This last sentence doesn't make sense. Change it into saying something like he moved warily, as he turned to face the intruder.

He had been right, it was a woman, wearing a mask that covered only her eyes and an outfit taylored of only take out only the finest black leather found. "What do you want?" he asked, his eyes moving to her outstretched hand where a gun wavered only take out only slightly. He frowned, and she wouldn't hesitate to kill him if necessary. "You know what I want, old man." she had given up the act, her voice still low and dangerous but with the softness that most female's had. "I'm afraid I don't." he responded cautiously as she jerked the gun towards his bedroom door. "I want the watch." she said, annoyed now that he didn't know what it was she was talking about. The man stood slightly straighter, knowing that if she wanted the watch that she'd have a reason to want it. "I'm not going to explain." she hissed, knowing what it was he wanted by his expression. He looked around his old estate, his eyes moving from the torn fabric couch to the coffee table that still held his steaming cup of coffee before his gaze returned to her masked face. "I don't have it." he told her, his expression honest. "Wrong answer." she responded casually, aiming the gun at his forehead before pulling the trigger. This paragraph moves a little fast. It's not that long when she's first coming into his house and then shooting him. The man has no fear and acts as if it's normal for someone to just walk into his house which is weird. Also there are various times where you use comma's and periods would work better (I'll explain that later)

She worked quickly, cleaning evidence of any trace of blood before moving to wipe away anything that she may have touched -which had been little- and then turning to the body that lay crumpled on the floor. The elderly man looked much frailer in death than he had while living, they always did. She reached down, a stray piece of hair falling into her face before she cursed quietly. If she left anything for the police to test she would be found and she couldn't let that happen. She removed the man's clothing silently, before grabbing the body and hoisting it up over her shoulder and making her way through to the back of the house. He lived on a farm, that she knew from having researched the man's history while trying to find the watch, and she pushed her way into the tall stalks of corn that spread throughout thirty three acres from a total of eighty four. She stopped only a few meters away from the entrance of the corn field, and dropped the body at her feet before turning to leave. It was then that she spotted the vehicle pulling up into the gravel driveway. Another quiet curse escaped her mouth before she pushed her way through the cornfield, going as fast as she possibly could while being cut by the paper thin leaves on the stalks. Once again you have an extensive use of commas and a lack of periods. For example when you said He lived on a farm, that she knew from having researched the man's history while trying to find the watch, and she pushed her way into the tall stalks of corn that spread throughout thirty three acres from a total of eighty four. You could easily make this two sentences and if you did the sentences wouldn't be short and choppy, they would be a good length.

When she'd reached the end of the field she slowed, closing her eyes for a brief moment before reopening them. She hated the feeling of being hunted, always having to be on the watch for those who'd ordered her to find the watch. She only looked as far as the woman's distant relations on the family tree and had found that man who'd apparently known nothing of the whereabouts of the watch. She wasn't sure why they wanted the watch, but she knew she had to get it before they did. To me, the last paragraph was confusing to read.


-- That's the beginning, so far. Hope you liked it..


Oveall, it was a well written piece. I liked your word choice, description, and idea of the story. The only thing that was wrong with it was that it overused commas at many times. Many places where you use commas you need to use semi colons or periods. The story also seemed to be going a little fast. The elderly man seemed like an important character, but then he just dies. It wasn't that long, and if you could elaborate it and add more it would have been an even better piece. This was a great hook to introduce us to the story you were going to be writing. The only thing that bugged me was the COMMAS. If you fix that I will be happy to re-read and re-edit it. Sorry if this is harsh.

-lilgreendots
Incarceron is a prison like no other
It gives life
It deals death

It Watches All

Incarceron
By: Catherine Fisher


For more information about the book click here!

Need a Review Click Here!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1778
Reviews 70
Thank you, I appreciate the help.
I do realize now that your comment has helped greatly, I'll be sure to change some of that afterwards. x]
To fly away on gossamer wings, sheer as night's reflective glow, I would could I cradle child hecate to my breast.

|| Wisp. ||



"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind