Good-Bye Cesar

So I have two poems here that deal with the same topic. The first is the attempted break up. The second is the second-guessing that comes after. You con critique these as two poems or as one. I don't much care.


His beautiful green eyes
Bore into my soul
“I don’t want to fight anymore”
That’s what he says to me
Lies I want to scream
All you ever do is fight
Bicker, argue, whine
“I promise, dear, I’ll change this time”
No you won’t you never will
You’ve hurt me beyond belief DEAR
All those memories I cannot kill
You’ve beaten me, broken me DEAR
I can’t just stand here
And listen to you say “I’m ‘sorry’”
WHAT IS SORRY?
To you, its another excuse to cause me pain
‘I’m sorry’? That’s so lame
I’m done with you its over
No more fighting because I’m gone
Good-bye Cesar



But can I say good bye to you
Because “WE” was the essence of what we went through?

Will I keep getting sucked back in
Because I love the sound of your breath as you rip my skin?

Will I live to die in you cold, hard arms
Because I love the warmth of you and me and ours?

Will I stay here to rot away
Because I love your face shining brighter then the light of day?

And will your radiance keep me alive
Because you love me too, somewhere deep inside?


~Shine

Hi! Teardrop here!

Corrections are in bold, comments are in red.

shineondiamondeyes wrote: His beautiful green eyes
Bore into my soul
“I don’t want to fight anymore”
That’s what he says to me
Lies I want to scream
All you ever do is fight
Bicker, argue, whine
“I promise, dear, I’ll change this time”
No you won’t, you never will Right here and down, the poem looses it's flow.
You’ve hurt me beyond belief DEAR Is the capitilization nessesary, you do this a lot. But that's just opinion.
All those memories I cannot kill
You’ve beaten me, broken me DEAR
I can’t just stand here
And listen to you say “I’m ‘sorry’”
WHAT IS SORRY? This doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but again, only opinion
To you, its another excuse to cause me pain
‘I’m sorry’? That’s so lame
I’m done with you its over
No more fighting because I’m gone
Good-bye Cesar



But can I say good bye to you
Because “WE” was the essence of what we went through?

Will I keep getting sucked back in
Because I love the sound of your breath as you rip my skin?

Will I live to die in you cold, hard arms
Because I love the warmth of you and me and ours?

Will I stay here to rot away
Because I love your face shining brighter then the light of day?

And will your radiance keep me alive
Because you love me too, somewhere deep inside?


~Shine

Okay, overall, I think this was really good. I expecially liked the second one. I think you could have worded that part where I stated you lost your flow, it's not bad, it just could sound better worded differently.

I hope you continue poetry because you're an awesome poet! Keep writing!

*likes*

~ Teardrop

I have to confess I was a little disenchanted with the first one- I agree with Teardrop, it's great until the point where it loses the flow. I would just re-word it while keeping the feeling. I would discard the "DEAR"s, or at least un-capitalize them. I would un-capitalize "WHAT IS SORRY?" too. It's a little assaulting to read. I think after the WHAT IS SORRY, the poem regains it's flow, so it's fine after that. I think the topic is very well expressed, though, and it's easy to see the pain and sadness that goes with a breakup.
The second one I love. It's concise and beautiful, and I love the rhyming. In the third stanza "Will I live to die in you cold, hard arms" should be "your cold, hard arms", but that's the only correction I have. The fourth stanza could maybe be tweaked a little- for some reason it reads as a little long to me, but that's just my opinion, and it doesn't mess up the poem at all. I love the feelings the poem invokes, it's really creatively worded and I just really like it!
In general, I think you write very well, and I really like both pieces, especially the second one. Keep writing, your poetry is fantastic!