Preview for my new story (suspenseful) ((needs COMMENTS!))

I wake in cold sweat. Breathing heavily, I wipe the sweat from my chocolate brown hair. I rush to turn the lights off; I think better in the dark. I climb out of bed and take a pair of shorts and put them on. I consider walking down and talking about my nightmare with my mom, but I know what she'll say, "Everyone knows that you get nightmares when your hot, Cassidy." I mimiked my mother's energetic voice, "You want to have a drink of cold water?" But I don't want cold water, I want some answers. Maybe if I asked my dad-- no, nevermind. He's still in the office and to bother him would be disasterous... my mother told me this as a joke as a kid, but I could hear the seiriousness behind her voice. I have a gift like that. Sometimes, I'll even have a glimps of the reality behind what people say, but I could conjour no image (not that I wanted to).
I take a look at my clock and check the time. It's almost time to get up, so I turn on the lights (slightly burning my eyes from the change) and go into my bathroom. I look into my mirror and I see a face that's pretty common enough inTwin's Hallow. Pale skin, bright blue eyes, but I have brown hair which is really unusual in this town.
Figures. My mom is from another town and dad had to make her a Hallow before she married him. If not, my father would be kicked out of his proffesion, and my dad loves that over all. But my mom use to say that she had brown hair before she came here, but will never speak anymore, her sleek silver hair glinting in the moonlight.
Things are not always what they seem.
Today at school, a group of kids our age came to visit our school from outside of town. They were all really friendly but one girl in particular seemed to be more friendly than the others. At least to me. While the others regarded our pale hair, eyes, and skin with extreme disdain, this girl, Missy, seemed to (at least) be interested. With her fiery red hair and temperment, she was a perfect friend for me-- brown headed and calm. When her group left at the end of the day, she asked me to write to each other and I agreed even though I broke one of the two laws imposed on our town in Twin's Hallow...
contact with the outside world.
Missy promised to write first and here is what she wrote:
Dear Cassidy,
[i]Today I had a wonderful time at the mall! I went with my friends (Amber and Lola) and we talked about boys. Seems like my crush I've had on since the first grade wants to ask me out. I'm sooo excited! But something weird happened, when I told them about you and the class trip, Amber said that she had that dream before and Lola said stop lying and trying to make myself look cool. When I explained that it wasn't a dream and I wasn't lying, Lola and Amber ditched me when I was changing in Macy's. They even gossiped and called me fat! But since I'm the most popular girl at my school, I kicked them out of my clique... SERVES THEM RIGHT!
Write back soon!,
Missy
I tried to write back but since the mail is different in the Other Town, I couldn't send it to her so I lost contact with her for a couple years.

Hey, Sionarama! Let's start with the good:

Good job! You were right, this is suspenseful! I think its cool how you kinda just throw the reader into the story. At first, I thought she was an ordinary girl, but as I read on, it wasn't true! But there were some things that confused me.

Why does she think better in the dark? What was the nightmare about? Is she concerned with something? Is that why she wants answers? Where is Twin's Hollow? Is it some secluded town in USA? Or is it on another planet?

Even though these things confuse me, I liked that they did. It makes you want to read more about it. So I hope you write another section about Cassidy, Missy, and Twin's Hollow!

I liked it! It follows the "isolated civilization", and It was suspenseful! I cant wait to see more

To me, it wasn't that suspenseful.
THats basically because I felt no emotion while reading. You tell the reader a lot. Your should slow it down, add more description. Paint the scene for the reader, without telling them all the details in a I-Did-that-I-did-this manner.

Keep working
~WickedWonder

Hey Sio! Pink here

So, the first thing I noticed here is the excessive use of "I". When writing in first person it's important to stray away from using I too much, otherwise it comes to be repetitive and then every sentence sounds the same.

I wake in cold sweat. Breathing heavily, I wipe the sweat from my chocolate brown hair. I rush to turn the lights off; I think better in the dark. I climb out of bed and take a pair of shorts and put them on. I consider walking down and talking about my nightmare with my mom, but I know what she'll say,

This is very bland. You don't have very many descriptions either. It's "I did this then I went here and I did that. While I watched her, I said this."
Do you see what I mean? Here's a link that might help you vary the sentences a bit.
Click me!
Try experimenting with different sentence structures and see what comes out.

But my mom use to say that she had brown hair before she came here, but will never speak anymore, her sleek silver hair glinting in the moonlight.

The last part of this sentence is random imagery. I would suggest putting it in a proper place. Example, when she really sees her mother.
Also, you seem to be stuffing a lot of information into this piece. It's off putting and almost boring to read because we barely know her and haven't developed an interest in her personal life yet. But then again, this is a preview but I would have picked a better preview, something not so much info and more action to reel readers in. You need to buy us in with your plot, haha.

All in all, there are quite a bit of points you need to work on. As wicked as mentioned, I didn't feel much suspense from this either. More info dumping in a sense. But, work can always be improved. Work on your descriptions and sentence structure. That's all, if you have any questions feel free to PM me. Good luck with the rest of this!
Cheers,

~Shear

Nice story I really love it! You should write more too. I want to read this story. Well done, well done

I agree with the previous comments, this is an extremely well structured and well typed story! Personally, I love these types of stories. Riddles at first, then throughout the story the unravel and make a lot more sense. Your story probably does this too, and that's why I'm kind of anticipating the rest.

I only have one or two minor negative comments. In the first two paragraphs, I start to feel like you were over using I as a sentence opener, which I notice has already been mentioned. You did of course lose this during the rest of the story, but avoid doing this again.

The other thing is...

[i]Today

I know this isn't much of an impact on the grammar or anything else about the story, it's just a simple error I thought you'd like to know about incase you missed it

Hope to see the rest.

-Pernicious.

There's not much here to critique so far, but I love the idea of another town, cut off from the rest of the world; a town where things aren't quite what they seem. I can't help but wonder why people change when they move to this town, and why Cassidy remained the same.
All in all, nice and creepy!
Keep writing!