Lonely Hearts

Lonely hearts hiding behind false smiles
Catch each other’s eyes, quickly shying away
Walking towards you, feels like many miles
Slowly slipping away; and I’m on the fray
….and its not my style
To give in, but you stay
For a while, while we make a small talk. And I’ll
Be leaving now, thanks, but you urge “Stay”
And everything changes…time stands still…
as we kiss for a while
and lonely hearts become one
then I don’t know what to say?

Not bad, I love the flow.

xwritingprincess21x wrote:Lonely hearts hiding behind false smiles
Catch each other’s eyes, quickly shying away
Walking towards you, feels like many miles
Slowly slipping away;You don't need a semicolon here, just a comma will do and I’m on the fray
….You don't need an actual period here. I think that might be the formattingand its not my style
To give in, but you stay
For a while, while This sounds too repetivewe make a small talk. And I’ll
Be leaving now, thanks, but you urge “Stay”
And everything changes…time stands still…
as we kiss for a while
and lonely hearts become one
then I don’t know what to say?

This is great, though. Keep Going!

This flowed very smoothly. The thing is, it flowed a bit too smoothly, which resulted in me reading this all the way through thrice without actually registering the content. Quite frankly, I'm amazed; usually poems have the opposite problem. You might want to add in a bit more punctuation, particularly of the period kind, to add pauses into the flow that will allow your reader to digest the ideas in your poem.

Another thing you might want to work on is expanding this poem a bit. Right now, it's a bit bland word-choice-wise, though it isn't as noticeable due to how well the poem flows. I know I keep coming back to the flow, but it is so smooth that all the issues that would otherwise be quite obvious barely register as a blip. I can only imagine what this poem would be like if you combined its already great flow with vivid language. You would have something downright wonderful, I think.

But yes. Expansion. Rather than just telling us their eyes meet and they shy away, you could describe to us the circumstances around that meeting, anchor us into a situation that is easy to visualize clearly. The more easy to visualize your poem is, the more relatable it becomes, so you might want to consider grounding your poem with specific snapshots into their relationship.

Otherwise, you just need to make the flow a touch less flowy, but not so much that you kill the flow entirely. Just enough to give your readers an occasional point here and there to appreciate the story the poem tells.

Hi there xwritingprincess21x,

This was a lovely poem to read! It had a nice flow and I loved the rhyming scheme! And I absolutely love the first line, what a great line to open with! But, I didn't really like the last line. It just doesn't fit. And also, I don't think you need the question mark. Also sort this poem into stanzas, it'll be neater and better to read. Otherwise, it was a really good poem!

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

Such an absolutely beautiful poem.
So sweet yet sad at the same time..or maybe that's just me xD
Anyway, amazing poem, keep writing!

I really like the emotions you portrayed in this poem. I think you did a good job of expressing the fear and excitement that come with falling in love. Some things you could do to improve the poem would be to break it up into stanzas and add more punctuation. I think doing these things would help to convey the emotion more intensely and add interest. Good job overall. With a little expansion you can make this good poem even better. Keep up the good work!