postcard#1 contest entry

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/download/file.php?id=7919 That is the postcard I choose. Note, this isn't a true story.

"Welcome to Starbucks!" The employees cried. Yup, I think I had the weirdest Starbucks in the U.S, or at least Boston. I sat at a small, deserted table, surrounded by other people. Where was he? Maybe he got lost, maybe I just wasn't pretty enough... or probably he just dumped me here, for everyone to laugh at wen he didn't show up.

"Welcome to Starbucks, ma'am. what can I get you, Ma'am?" A friendly waitress that had one (or five) too many espressos asked, barely able to stand.

"I'm waiting for someone, thank you. I'll order when he comes."

"No problem, Ma'am. Tell me when you need me, Ma'am, and I'll be right here-"

"You really don't have to call me that. Just 'miss' is fine."

"No problem... miss. I'll come when you need me,Ma'am." She said, walking into the kitchen. No wonder she worked at Starbucks. She defiantly wasn't lawyer material, if you get what I mean. I dug out my amazing copy of Pride and Prejudice and plummeted into it's sea of words.

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The faint ringing of bells and the chorus of 'Welcome to Starbucks!' jolted me from my book. A handsome looking man walked in, but it wasn't the man I met at the bar last night. He looked around, not able to find another table.

"Can I sit here?" He asked, his voice like honey.

"Yea, no one's coming anyways." I replied as he plopped into a chair. He. For a fleeting moment hope returned, but ai bushed it away. Who would want this trash?

"Who?" He asked, as I tucked my book away.

"A man I meet last night... it doesn't matter. He was a drunk old hag anyways." I replied.

"I'm sorry. I'm sure you can find better. Love is the most trick emotion to handle."

"So tell me about yourself." I asked him.

"I'm a student at BU(Boston University)."

"Me, too. What's your major?"

"Communication and Journalism. You?" he asked.

"Biochemistry and the works." I said with a =P face.He chuckled.

"So. You're a ...?"

"Junior."

"Same." He replied.

"Oh, Ma'am, you want something now?" The bubbly waitress asked.

"A Pumpkin Spice Latte," I ordered.

"Make that two." He added.

"Right away, Ma'am and Mister. I'll get them now, Ma'am and Mister." She added.

"One latte too many." He said as she scuttled away. I giggled.

"That's what I was thinking."

"You know, she's been here... oh, say, five years.She looks like a freshman, doesn't she?" He observed.

"How do you stand her?" I asked.

"You plug your ears." He said. We continued to talk a bit, even after we finished our Lattes.

"Look at the time! I have to go, I'm sorry!" He said. But, we should really get together again."

"I'd like that." I mumbled. We swapped numbers and made plans to meet here in a week.

"Oh! I didn't catch your name." I remembered.

"Shaun Parks." He said, slipping me a... something and leaving. My mouth hung.

"Shaun Parks. Nice, Ma'am." The serving girl said, watching him go. I saw the fifty dollar bill on the table for the check, the one he must have left.

"Thanks."

"Ma'am, your lucky." She said, walking off. I looked at the thing he gave me. It was a folded latte holder, and where it says the beverage is hot, he crossed it off and said customer. Warmth blossomed on my cheeks.

"Ma'am-" The waitress started. I gave her the check, a bit angry now. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am!

"Thank you." I said through closed teeth as she walked off. I sighed, Looking at the latte cup. I didn't even realize when the espresso lady walked up.

"Ma'am, here is your change, ma'am." I took the check, and slid te money into my purse. I grabbed my purple highlighter, the same color Shaun used, and scribbled : #BF00BF ">When you call me Ma'am, you lose a tip. On the back, I scribbled : #BF00BF ">Too late!. I gave it to the lady, who thought it was a tip, and left the Starbucks.

P.S: Shaun parks is a millionaire entrepreneur that invented Nappster, a website that is free music.

Hm. Well, I think you've got the basics for a cute story here, but it needs a little touching up. The first few lines are a little confusing. Try saying something like, "Welcome to Starbucks!", the employees cried as I walked through the door of my local Starbucks, which is probably the most eccentric in the country."
The next few lines move very quickly. Try establishing the reason for your character's visit, and then imply that some time has passed before she starts wondering where her date is. Other than checking the rest of the story for things that are unclear (especially the ending, now that I come to think of it) or move too quickly, watch for spelling and grammar. Sometimes, you just miss a letter here and there- obviously typos and not a lack of knowledge, although I noticed you spelled "definitely" as "definately", which is a common mistake. You often have trouble with entering/exiting dialogue as well. The correct form is to give your quote, followed by a comma, followed by the rest of the sentence, which starts with a lower case letter.
Overall, I think that this would make for a cute story, but it will be hard for some readers to follow unless you clear a few things up. Remember that a good writer is constantly checking, editing, and revising their work, and that this could be considered a draft, rather than a final copy. I suggest reading the things you write aloud, and as you do so, check for clarity, consistency, flow, and grammar.

Good luck to you! I entered the same contest.

Firstly, some grammar.

plummeted into it's sea of words.

Its. It's is a contraction for it is, which isn't what you want here.


Secondly,

For a fleeting moment hope returned, but ai bushed it away. Who would want this trash?

Confused. What do you mean there. Did you mean I pushed?
and secondly,what trash? I don't get it. Clarify.

Overall, it's nice and cute.
I like it.
Good luck!

~WickedWonder

Dun...dun...dun...
The judge has come. . .
Don't worry, I'm just reviewing this for you. I will take in the overall story and compare with all the others based on creativity and all after I have finished reviewing everyone.

"Welcome to Starbucks!" The employees cried. Yup, I think I had the weirdest Starbucks in the U.S, or at least Boston.

What makes this the weirdest Starbucks? Because they cry, "Welcome to Starbucks?" I've worked in fast-food and shops before, it's almost mandatory to say, "Welcome to -insert name-!" Every time a customer comes in. Therefore, it's not weird. It actually represents good customer service.

or probably he just dumped me here, for everyone to laugh at wen he didn't show up.

*when?

"Welcome to Starbucks, ma'am. what can I get you, Ma'am?" A friendly waitress that had one (or five) too many espressos asked, barely able to stand.

This sentence here is a bit weird, possibly loose the parenthesis and replace them with commas.

"Can I sit here?" He asked, his voice like honey.

I dislike it when people describe voices like honey or sweet fruits and candies. I can taste honey, not hear it. :/
That's just me, other people might understand what you're going for though. I won't take this seriously, lol.

but ai bushed it away. Who would want this trash?

*I?

"Who?" He asked, as I tucked my book away.

Dialogue punctuation error.
"Who?" he asked.
Lower case 'he'. Also, you don't need the comma after asked since you have 'as'.

"Shaun Parks." He said, slipping me a... something and leaving. My mouth hung.

A whut? lol



I think you did a pretty good job putting it all together. The story was interesting and it didn't make me lose interest, really. The beginning was alright and I liked the character's thoughts, she was funny. My main critique with this would be to give us some more description regarding that dialogue chump you had there with the conversation. Also, what happened to the other guy? I'd have liked to see some more bitterness towards him since he stood her up and what not but hey, at least she met a nicer dude.

As in the creativity, could have been funnier. The waitress actually went overboard with the whole ma'am/mister thing. I mean, normally people don't do that, even if they had one too many lattes. It was actually annoying to read her say that twice in every sentence but I suppose that part was intentional.
Well, not much else to comment, I'm trying to keep these slightly on the shorter side and not intimidate you all, aha. =)

Good job,
-Shear