The Bourreau and the Waltz Dancer - Ch.2 - P. 1

I think this will be set in the French Third Republic ( Search it up ) time period. It's just that I will MAKE A LOT of changes lol. I don't follow by the historic rules. Screw Republics! >:]

Screw this, I'm going back to past tense.

The night darkened its surrounding as the light weakened, yet a bright light seamed from the ground below. It was three in the morning and I was unable to get a wink of sleep. I just couldn’t get those words out of my mind. Like a broken record, it repeated over and over again.

Such a pitiful man, being such a coward against death.

The once gone anger reemerged; I raised my fist and pound it on the wall, letting the blood drip down my knuckles. I got off the bed and went to the Executioner’s Den. I found a fresh clean towel as I soaked it in cold water and covered my bloody hand. Wanting some fresh air, I walked out of the den and embraced the darkness. It has been a long time since I was out in the dark, alone. I decided to take a walk around town to see how it goes in motion at nighttime. Completely in an desolation; something of my expectation. The markets were closed shut and armed with metal walls; the bakery was the one that was always fully arm and even has a night guard. That was how bread was important to citizens. While fascinated in my own thought, a shadow moved along the side of the markets. I watched as the shadow ran outside of town. Wondering if it was a thief, I followed the shadow and into the fields. As my feet crushed the grassy ground, the black figure disappeared from my sight. I'm surprised. Am I just chasing my own imagination? Sounds of crushed grass fixed my attention to the right as I saw the dark figure once more. The movement was different from before, its body structure seem a little more… elegant. Was it dancing? No matter, I had to give the person the basic warning.
“Hey, you shouldn’t be out here all alone!”
The person was startled and looked ready to flee.
“Wait! I’m just here to warn you, go back home, don’t run further into the fields.”
The figure stopped, bowed to me, and said, “Merci beaucoup, bonne nuit à vous!”
That is the most beautiful voice I ever heard. I wasn’t able to get her name in time for she was already gone the time I blinked my eyes. I sighed and gave another thought: Am I really imagining things? I walked back to my Den and lay down on the bed. I stared at the ceiling and repeated her words.
“Thank you very much, good night to you.”
Was she afraid that I might have brought her to the authority? She must be from a noble family then. I closed my eyes and black filled my vision as my conscious faded away. It was a good three hours sleep.
Knock! Knock!
The sounds of pounding wood opened my eyes only to shut them again from the blinding sunlight.
“Vincent! Get out here now!” the man shouted.
Getting off the bed, I answered the door. Slowly opening it I looked at the noble guards standing before me. They were looking for me?
“Vincent, the executioner, who has slain over 120 lives and destroys many others. Today we, the king’s messengers, have requested you to perform an execution for King Alfred XIV.”
The guard captain said with a loud and clear voice. I agreed by default and as I got out and proceeded to the Executioner’s Den, a silent mutter wheezed to my ears. “Filthy pigs.”
I grinned to myself. I couldn’t blame them; nobles were all the same. After I got dress, I went back to the guards and off we went to the king’s palace.
“So... who am I giving the execution?” I asked them, they said nothing. I sighed; this is going to be a boring trip.
The palace never looked more magnificent. The outside was built with the finest stone of all France. The insides were filled with glistering marbles. Large red carpets covered the marbles from the stairs to the entrance. Before I could take a step, the guards stopped me and said, “Wait here, executioner.” The guards then took off, leaving me outside. The captain stood beside me, observing me. I guess I’m too much of a filthy pig to be left alone. A minute passed since the noble guards left their post; both the captain and I had not said anything since. I took a glimpse of him as he took a deep breath and began to speak.
“I’m sorry that one of my secondary insulted you.”
Huh? Why is he apologizing? “Oh no, it’s nothing, I get that a lot.”
Though I said that, I accepted his apology in the end.
“No, it is wrong for them to do that. You might be a peasant but you fulfill an important role in France.”
“Important role?” I repeated his words. How is an executioner an important role?
“An important role isn’t meant to be answer with an insult. They might be noble guards, I might be their captain, but that does not make them noble. We are still peasants no matter what.”
What a speech; the captain looked at me and as he took off his helmet, he raised his hand to mine.
“The name’s Theodore,” he said.
I stared at his hand for a second as I also took off my mask and we both shook hands.
“Vincent, Laroche Vincent.”
We grinned at each other as the guards came back. We both put on our mask and waited for their report.
“The king is waiting for you at the court.” One of the guards announced.
“Now can you tell me who I am executing?” I insisted but the guards would not answer. I groaned and brought myself to the court or the stage—that was what the commoners prefer to say.
The king and queen were sitting on a “reserve” seating. The nobles stood quietly. It was something I expected the nobles to do; this probably means I don’t have to make them feel vile. I step upon the platform of the stage and waited for the prisoner. The quiet crowd turned into an angry mob as soon as they heard the rattling noise of the open prison cart. I take back about how I expect the nobles to act. They were no more than a mere peasant. Throwing food and anything else they had in their pockets. I couldn’t help myself to laugh with my hand covering my mouth. The nobles were the ones who said peasants were savage on how they treated the execution and here I am, watching a bunch of nobles acting like peasants.
The prison cart made it to the stage and they took the prisoner up the stage. The condemned man looked nothing but of a normal citizen, then why was this a noble execution? The king stood up and everyone got quiet as he said his speech.
“This person may look like an ordinary man but he is the one who has killed my only daughter." The king then pointed at the criminal. "The Sandman!”
Taunts filled the air as the king turned towards me and said those simple start words, “We are ready, executioner.”
I nodded. The guards grabbed the Sandman and pulled him towards me. Walking behind him and grabbing a small knife from my pocket, I cut down his mane. Clenching the strands of hair, I felt something within the mane. My eyes scan the area, making sure no one hears my wordings.
“What would you like me to do with this?”
Without a sound or looked, he mouthed out his words, “Axelle… Eade.”
Keeping it in mind, I resumed the execution progress. He grinned and said his final words.
“Merci.”
Hold down, raised axe, and chopped off head—simple steps that haunted me for many years. I wondered about that idea, I took his head and brought it to the crowd. They weren’t so exciting, but their face showed a sign of fascination. The people in the front were soaking their handkerchief in the blood puddle. My lips curled up in disgust; I do not want to see any more of this. I quickly threw the head in the metal container and walked off. In the back, before I could take my mask off, the king, himself, greeted me alongside with his noble guards.
“The execution was magnificent my fellow executioner, may I ask for your name?” he asked me politely. I took off my mask and told him, “My name is Vincent Laroche, your majesty.”
“Oh! Are you the son of Patron?” his politeness turned to excitement. I didn’t give him an oral reply, instead I gave him signs.
“Ah, I see, your father was a great executioner. I do see that you take it from him.”
“Yes, your majesty.”
“Don’t be so formal in front of me, my friend.”
I did not reply to him. What kind of a king would say that?
“Now what was I suppose to do… oh, yes that’s right! Would you like to join the dance ball this evening?”
What? He can’t be serious.
“Your majesty, we can’t do that, he’s a third-estate!” The guards protested.
“Unless he is personally invited by the king, besides, he won’t even look like a lower class citizen with that golden hair of his. He can probably woo any woman with that look!” the king said, joking around, though I couldn’t get myself to laugh at things like that.

Have the king lost this mind? I wondered to myself as he left. I walked beside Theodore, who was leading me to the castle, when we were in the halls of the palace; I cleared my throat as I asked, "Theodore, why did the king invite me to the dance?” He stopped and thought about it for a second and answered, "It's probably because the king and your father were ami back in their time. He would always go on and on about how Patron was like this and that." Theodore then looked at my face and said, "Do you have any more questions?"
He read my mind.
"Yeah, King Alfred XIV looks... how can I say it?" I pondered in my own thoughts, trying to think of a word that described him.
"Magnificent?" He said.
"That's right; he looked magnificent when he’s on stage, so why does he look so careless when he’s away from citizens?"
"Well, he's just like that." He looked at my unsatisfied face and added, "He only acts like that with citizens so that they could trust him and respect him."
"Ah..." I sighed and we resumed walking.

Time passed as the evening came. I was forced to dress in this “fabulous” suit. It was white all over with a pinch of cinnamon on the inside blouse. Disgusting. I walked to the nearest wall and laid my back on it. I sighed and looked around; it seemed that I was the center of attention. Sighing once again, I closed my eyes and thought about what I should do next.
“Hey Vincent, you shouldn’t be so quiet, every single femme in here would love to have a dance with you.” Theodore said as he strolls along. I stared at him and replied, “How can I? I’m a commoner.” I said in a loud tone but Theodore shushed me. “I don’t know how to dance.”
“Shh..! They don’t know that.”
The lights went out, leaving the one above the king’s throne shining. King Alfred XIV stood up and said, “Welcome my fellow nobles to this dance. Today I have two important guests.”
He turned towards me as we made eye contact. “The first guest is the man you should know already. And the second guest is…”
The throne light shut down and the middle glass light turned back on. There stood a woman in splendid dressing. She wore a white short dress that only reach to the level of her thighs and the long cotton socks covered the rest of her legs with the addition of her ballet shoes. On the top of her peach color hair was a red rose; she wore a mask that matched the colors of her clothing.
She spins around once and bowed as she began to dance. Her movements were smooth and… elegant. Where have I seen this before? I ponder in my own thoughts. The memory of the dark grassy fields popped into my head, ah!


Chapter 1
Chapter 2 - Part 2
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:
SO MANY ONE LINES IN THE STORY FORMAT!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!! D8

The Sandman = A stupid nickname ( to me). I only put it like that because I couldn't think of a name for him xD

Describing all these stuff was a pain in the neck I tell you.

I change the king's name because I notice that King Richard II was a bad man and the king that I made is a relaxed and unaware kind of man. LoL.

This is part 1 so most of the things you question here is going to be answer in part 2.
I didn't feel like combining them together, that's the reason.

Heya, Roal.

I was looking forward to reading the next part of this, actually. I'm the first one her,e so hopefully, I won't have a pathetic amount of nit-picks. Plus, I won't have to worry about repeating a load of stuff you've already heard. One thing I want to say though is that I'm not going to correct any tense issues because you do seem to have a lot of them. Besides, simply correcting them for you won't be much help. If there are punctuation errors though, I'll fix them. If there's a tense error within a grammatical error sentence, I'll fix it though because otherwise, it'l bug me.

Completely left alone like a dessert; it was somewhat what I was expecting.

I was surprised. Was I chasing my own imagination?

“Thank you very much, good night to you.”

Well done for writing what the woman said in English for us to understand, but doing it in a very clever way by including it in the novel.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

Personally, I don't like all capitalized words. All you need is exclamation marks and it will just be as, if not more, effective.

The sound of pounding wood opened my eyes only to shut them again from the blinding sunlight.

I agreed by default and as I got out and proceeded to the Executioner’s Den, I heard a silent mutter.

I grinned to myself. I couldn't blame them; all nobles were the same.

“No, it is wrong for them to do that. You might be a peasant but you fulfill an important role of France.”

“The name’s Theodore,” he said.

“Now can you tell me who I am executing?” I insisted but the guards would not answer.

“This person may look like an ordinary man, but he is the one who has killed my only daughter, the Sandman!”

This kind of sounds like his daughter's called The Sandman... xD. I'd suggest changing it to something like this... "This person may look like an ordinary man, but he is the one who has killed my only daughter." The King nodded at the man. "The Sandman!"

Taunts filled the air as the king turned towards me and said those simple start words, “We are ready, executioner.

”

Hold down, raise axe, and chop off head; simple steps that haunted me for many years.

“Ah, I see, your father was a great executioner. I do see that you take it from him.

”
How can executing be a skill? As long as you can chop someone's head off, you're good to go.

I didn’t reply back to him. What kind of a king would say that?

Your tenses were perfect here.

“Unless he is personally invited by the king, besides, he won’t even look like a lower class citizen with that golden hair of his. He can probably woo any woman with that look!” the king said, joking around, though I wasn’t able to get myself to laugh at things like that.

The lights went out, leaving the one above the king’s throne shining. King Alfred XIV stood up and said, “Welcome, my fellow nobles, to this dance. Today I have two important guests today.”

One question: What time period is this supposed to be set in? I assumed that it was in the past, but if that is the case, how can lights be turned off? In the period I assumed this was set in, they would have used candle's for lighting. Therefore, they couldn't just be turned off. Am I making sense?

There stood a woman in splendid dressing. She wore a white short dress that only reached to the level of her thighs, and the long cotton socks covered the rest of her legs with the addition of her ballet shoes. On the top of her peach colored hair was a red rose; she wore a mask that matched the colors of her clothing.

Once again, this gives the impression of rather modern times because wearing short, thigh length dresses just didn't happen in the past.


Overall

I have to say that out of the two chapters, this one is probably my favourite. You are progressing with the story, although it's happening slowly, I like where it's going. I think I can predict what's going to happen between your MC and that girl as well. Like I said in my previous review - I think I said it anyway - one thing I love about this novel so far is its originality. As far as I'm aware, there's nothing like this out there at the moment. I adore original stories because it's harder for me to predict what's going to happen next. Minus the slight tense issue, your grammar was pretty good. There were a few phrasing issues, but that's fine because English isn't your first language. I don't think it is, anyway. Your spelling was great too!

The only critique I have for this is more of a question, if I'm honest. You might have guessed this, but I'm not too sure about when this story is supposed to be set in. After reading the first chapter, I assumed that this was set quite a while back, but now I'm not so sure. The reason for that is because of little aspects to this. The short dress and the lights, for example. I'm edging on you wanting to set this in the past. If so, I'd like to know when exactly this is supposed to be set in. Also, if it is set in the past, I'd consider editing the little issues like the short dress because poeple in the olden days thought short dresses were terrible because it showed a woman's ankles. Weird, I know. If that isn't the case though, and this is supposed to be set in modern(ish) times, I think you might want to revise it. I'm not familiar with punishment in France, but I'm pretty sure they don't behead people anymore. I don't think this is supposed to be set in modern times though, so I won't go into too much detail about that.

Hmmm... I think that's it. I feel kind of useless. xD Sorry this hasn't been the most helpful review in the world, but I hope that I have somewhat helped you out. If you have any questions or anything, just drop me a PM and I'll be happy to answer them for you.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Spoiler

P.S I'm watching a programme set in France right now... creepy...

Hey, thanks for the request... I'm reading for the first time while reviewing so... I'll tell you my opinion at the end.

Roal wrote:

Chapter 2: The Waltz Dancer - Part 1

The night darkens This is a run-on. Put a period or semi-colon here. its You need an apostrophe to make a contratction since you're saying it is. surrounding as the light weakens, Do you mean the night surrounds the town or... what. The sentence is a little vague. I think you need the night to surround something. yet there was a bright light seaming from the ground below. I'm not sure what you mean by seaming... I even looked it up and couldn't really get a definition that fit. It was three in the morning and yet I’m unable to get a wink of sleep. I just can’t get those words out of my mind. Like a broken record, it repeats over and over again.

Such a pitiful man, being their work slave.

The once gone anger reemerge, Because anger is singular you need an s on the verb. It's reemerges. I raise my fist and pound it on the wall, letting the blood drip down my knuckles. So... This is fine but it's kinda hard to believe he's that angry. If you can, try a more believable sign of his anger. I got off the bed and went to the Executioner’s Den. I found Found needs to present tense. I find. a fresh A comma needs to go here because you're listing adjectives. clean towel as I soak it in cold water and cover my bloody hand. Wanting some fresh air, I walk out of the den and embrace the darkness. It’s been a long time since I’m It needs to be I've been instead of I'm.out in the dark, I don't think a comma should be here. alone. I decide to take a walk around town as I see how it goes in motion at nighttime. Last half of that sentence doesn't mesh well to me. It might be different with someone else. Completely left alone Left alone is a very good describing word. Try something like silent or desolate. I do like the simile though. like a desert; I don't think you need a semi-colon. Maybe like a desert is what I am expecting... That still doesn't sound right but the semi-colon is a little odd there. it’s somewhat I was I think was is past tense but I could be wrong. expecting. The markets are close shut and arm I'm not sure how to put this in present tense but arm isn't right. I think it my be the markets are armed. Close needs a d on the end if I'm not mistaken. with metal walls; the bakery is the one that is always fully arm Here again armed. and even has a night guard. That’s how bread was important to citizens. This needs to be reworded. That's how important bread is to the citizens. Was is past tense. While I am?fascinate in my own thought, a shadow moves along the side of the markets. I watch as the shadow run outside of town. Wondering if it was is a thief, I follow the shadow and You don't need an and here. into the fields. As my feet crush the grassy ground, the black figure disappears from my sight. I was surprise, am surprised... was I chasing my own imagination? I think you need to break that up a little. It's a run-on right now.Sounds of stepping grass caught catch my attention to the right as I see the dark figure once more. The movement was different from before, Period instead of comma or conjunction. its body structure seem You need a s on the end of seem. a little more… elegant. Was it dancing? No matter, I have to give the person the basic warning.
“Hey, you shouldn’t be out here all alone!”
The person was startle is startled. Startled is a adjective not a verb. and seems ready to flee.
“Wait! I’m just here to warn you, go back home, don’t run further into the fields.”
The figure stop, stops bow to me, and said, “Merci beaucoup, bonne nuit à vous!”
That was isthe most beautiful voice I ever heard. I wasn’t am not?able to get her name in time for she was already gone by the time I blink my eyes. I sigh and gave another thought: If you want to keep this it would be give but I don't really like it.Am I really imagining things? I walk back to my Den and lay down on the bed. I stare at the ceiling and repeat her words.
“Thank you very much,Period or conjunction good night to you.”
Was she worried that I might have brought her to the authority? Normally people refer to cops and people of that line of work as authorities. You need to make it plural. She must be from a noble family then. As I close my eyes, black fills my vision as my conscious fades away. It was a good three hours sleep. You shouldn't have past tense here... but you should. This is why I don't like present tense. It's confusing.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
The sound of pounding wood opens my eyes only to shut it from the blinding sunlight. The problem with this sentence would be the sound didn't open or close your eyes. Rethink that sentence a bit.
“Vincent! Get out here now!” The man said.
I got get up, off the bed, and You need walk here.to the door. I slowly open it and saw noble guards standing before me. They’re looking for me?
“Vincent, the executioner, who has taken You don't need has. It's takes. over 120 lives and destroys many others. Today we, the king’s messengers, have requested you to perform an execution for King Alfred XIV.”
The guard captain spoke speaks with a loud and clear voice. I agree by default and as I got get out and proceed to the Executioner’s Den. I heard hear a silent Silence is the absence of noise. Maybe quiet or something along those lines. mutter.
“Filthy pigs.”
I grin to myself, I can’t blame them, all nobles are the same. You need a period or conjunction where all the commas are. It's one long run-on. After I got dress, get dressed I went Go, I think. back to the guards and off we went go to the king’s palace.
“So... who am I giving the execution?” I ask them, Period they said say nothing. I sigh; this is going to be a boring walk.
The palace never looks I think it would be looked here since you're talking about how the palace appeared before. more magnificent. The outside is built with the finest stone of all France. The inside was is fill with glistering glistening marbles. Large red carpets cover the marbles from the stairs to the entrance. Before I even took take a step, the guards stop me and said, say “Wait here, executioner.” The guards then take took off, leaving me outside. The captain stands beside me, observing me. I guess I’m too much of a filthy pig to be left alone. A minute pass passes since the noble guards left their post; both the captain and I have not said anything since. I took take a glimpse of him as he takes a deep breath and begins to speak.
“I’m sorry that one of my secondary secondaries insulted you.”
Huh? Why is he apologizing? “Oh no, it’s nothing, I get that a lot.”
Though I may have said that, I accepted his apology in the end. Can't you just show us this through dialouge? Do you need to tell us this?/b]
“No, it is wrong for them to do that,[b] Period you might be a peasant but you fulfill an important role of France.”
“Important role?” I repeat his words. How is an executioner an important role?
“An important role isn’t meant to be answer answered with an insult. They might be noble guards, I might be their captain, but that does not make them noble. We are still peasants no matter what.”
What a speech; the captain look at me and as he take takes off his helmet, he raise his hand to mine.
“The name’s Theodore.” He said.
I stare at his hand for a second and I also take off my mask and we both shake hands.
“Vincent, Laroche Vincent.”
We grin at each other as the guards came back. We both put on our mask I thought Theodore had a helmet. and wait for their report.
“The king is waiting for you at the court.” One of the guards announce. announces
“Now can you tell me who am I executing?” I insist but the guards will not answer. I groan and walk myself to the court or the stage—that’s what the commoners prefer to say.
The king and queen were are sitting on a “reserve” seating. The nobles stood stand quietly. It was something I expect the nobles to do; this probably means I don’t have to make them feel vile. I step upon the platform of the stage and wait for the prisoner. The quiet crowd turns into an angry mob as soon as they hear the rattling noise of the open prison cart. I take back about how what I expect the nobles to act. They are no more than a mere peasant. Throwing food and anything else they have in their pockets. I can’t help myself to but? I'm not sure. The sentence doesn't sound right though. laugh with my hand comma covering my mouth. The nobles were are the ones who say peasants are savage on how they treat the execution and here I am, watching a bunch of nobles acting like peasants.
The prison cart made makes it to the stage and they took take the prisoner up the stage. The condemn Since it's an adjective it would be condemed. man looks nothing but of a normal citizen,Period then why is this a noble execution? The king stands up and everyone got gets quiet as he said his speech.
“This person may look like an ordinary man but he is the one who have has killed my only daughter, the Sandman!”
Taunts fills the air, Period the king turn towards me and said says those simple start starting words, “We are ready, executioner.”
I nod. The guards grab the Sandman and pull him towards me. I walk behind him; I grab a small knife from my pocket and cut his ponytail. You might want to say why he does this. Giving it a tight clench, I felt feel something within this mane; I look around, and made make sure that no one hears my wordings. Wordings is right but it sounds odd here. Words may be better.
“What would you like me to do with this?”
Without a sound or look, he mouth mouths out his words, “Axelle… Eade.”
Keeping it in mind, I resume the execution progress. He grins and said says his final words.
“Merci.”
Hold down, raise axe, and chop off head, simple steps that haunts haunt me for many years. I wonder about that idea, Period I took take his head and bring it to the crowd. They didn’t Don't look so exciting, but their face shows a sign of fascinate. Fascination. The people in the front were are soaking their handkerchief in the blood puddle. Eww. My lips curl up in disgust; I do not want to see any more of this. I quickly throw the head in the metal container and walk off. In the back, before I can take my mask off, the king, himself, greet greetsme alongside with You don't need with. his noble guards.
“The execution was magnificent my fellow executioner, Since the king isn't an executioner he wouldn't refer to Vincent as fellow executioner. may I ask for your name?” He asks me politely. I took off my mask and told him, “My name is Vincent Laroche, your majesty.”
“Oh! Are you the son of Patron?” His politeness turns to excitement. I didn’t give him an oral reply, instead I gave him signs. ... Like a nod? What kind of signs?
“Ah, I see, your father was a great executioner. I do see that you take it from him.”
“Yes, your majesty.”
“Don’t be so formal in front of me, my friend.”
I didn’t reply back to him, Period what kind of a king would say that?
“Now what was I supposed to do… oh, yes that’s right! Would you like to join the dance ball this evening?”
What? He can’t be serious.
“Your majesty, we can’t do that, Period he’s a third-estate!” The guards protest.
“Unless he is personally invited by the king, Period? beside, Besides he won’t even look like a lower class citizen with that golden hair of his. He can probably woo any woman with that look!” The king said, joking around, though I wasn’t able to get myself to laugh at things like that. this?

Have Has the king lost this mind? I wonder to myself as he left. leaves Theodore walks behind me as he led me to the castle. I walk beside him in the hall of the palace. I clear my throat as I ask, "Theodore, why did the king invite me to the dance ball?” He stops and thinks about it for a second and answer, "It's probably because the king and your father were ami friends? back in their time. He would always go on and on about how Patron was like this and that." Theodore then looks at my face and said, "Do you have any more questions?"
He read my mind.
"Yeah, King Alfred XIV looks... how can I say it?" I ponder in my own thoughts, trying to think of a word that describes him.
"Magnificent?" He said.
"That's right; he looks magnificent when he's on stage, so why does he look so careless when he's away from citizens?"
"Well, he's just like that," he look at my unsatisfied face and add, "He only acts like that with citizens so that they could trust him and respect him."
"Ah..." I sigh and we resume walking.

Time pass passes as the evening came. I was force to dress in this “fabulous” suit. It was is white all over with a pinch of cinnamon on the inside blouse. Disgusting. I walk to the nearest wall and lay my back on lean against? it. I sigh and look around; it seems that I was am the center of attention. Sighing once again, I close my eyes and thought think about what I should do next.
“Hey Vincent, you shouldn’t be so quiet, every single femme Do you mean girl or woman? in here would love to have a dance with you.” Theodore said says as he strolls along. I stare at him and reply.
“How can I? I’m a commoner,” I said in a loud tone but Theodore shush shushes me, “I don’t know how to dance.”
“Shh..! They don’t know that.”
The lights went go out, leaving the one above the king’s throne shining. King Alfred XIV stands up and said says, “Welcome my fellow nobles to this dance. Today I have two important guests today.” All of that dialouge is a little akward.
He turns towards me as he made makes eye contact, “The first guest is the man you should know already. And the second guess guest is…”
The throne light shuts down off maybe? and the middle glass light turns back on. There stood stands a woman in splendid dressing ,You don't need the ing. Period instead of comma she wore a white Comma short dress that only goes to the level of her thighs, the I don't think you need the. long cotton socks covers Since socks is plural you don't need a s. the rest of her leg with the addition of her ballet shoes. On the top of her peach color hair was is a red rose; she wore a mask that matches the colors of her clothing.
She spins around once and bows as she begins to dance. Her movements were smooth and… elegant. Where have I seen this before? I ponder in In isn't needed. my own thoughts. The memory of the dark grassy fields pop into my head, Ah! Personally I don't think you need the Ah! I think It's a nice ending alone.

If I repeated anything, I apologize. I didn't read the other review. I think you may need to convert your story to past tense because you didn't pull present tense off like you did in chap. 1. Mainly, you need to watch run-ons and sentence structure. Thank you for explaining almost everything you said in French in English. It helped. I liked the story and the waltz dancer. The Sandman is a fine nickname. If you could give us some background it would be better. I do have a lot of questions but I'll leave them for part two.
Megsug

Hello, Roal. Jashy reporting for duty! =))

First, since, like you said, you’re writing in present tense, all of the tenses should be—duh me—in present tense, unless you’re talking something about the past. I know, verbs are very confusing, esp. tenses. But proofreading should do the trick. I’m going to point out examples of your verb mistakes and I hope when you edit this, you’ll keep in mind the things I’m going to tell you:

Highlights in pink means I corrected the nitpick; yellow means give some attention to what you just have written.

The night darkens its surrounding as the light weakens, yet there was a bright light seaming from the ground below. It was three in the morning and yet I’m unable to get a wink of sleep. I just can’t get those words out of my mind. Like a broken record, it repeats over and over again.

“Was” is the past tense of the auxiliary verb “is”. They are not used interchangeably. If you’re writing in present tense, use “is”.

The once gone anger reemerge, I raise my fist and pound it on the wall, letting the blood drip down my knuckles. I got off the bed and went to the Executioner’s Den. I found a fresh clean towel as I soak it in cold water and cover my bloody hand. Wanting some fresh air, I walk out of the den and embrace the darkness. It’s been a long time since I’m out in the dark, alone. I decide to take a walk around town as I see how it goes in motion at nighttime.

In the previous paragraph, we read a lot of Is. No problem with that really, it’s just, you used the same sentence structure again--with the active verb to be precise--and it made the paragraph boring to read. There are a lot of ways to write sentences. Why don’t you review about them so you can have a variety of sentence structures there and spice up your writings? =))

Completely left alone like a dessert; it was what I was expecting.

Again, the verb confusion.

The person was startle and seems ready to flee.

I really have no idea how to help you with the tenses. They're all mixed up! =O But if you're really into writing in the present tense, the previous sentence should be:

The person is startled and she seems ready to flee.

The figure stop, bow to me, and said, “Merci beaucoup, bonne nuit à vous!”

Ooh, French.

As I close my eyes, black fills my vision as my conscious fades away.

I have a problem with that sentence: there were two clauses that start with “as”. 0_o

Knock! Knock!

I just prefer that italicized; if you don't want, then just never mind that.

After tense confusion, be careful with dialogue:

“Vincent! Get out here now!” the man said.

I got up, off the bed, and to the door.

You don’t have to tell the reader every single thing he does. Like, you can imply by simply saying “I get off the bed to answer the door. Slowly opening it...”

“Vincent, the executioner, who has taken over 120 lives and destroys many others. Today we, the king’s messengers, have request you to perform an execution for King Alfred XIV.”

I believe the commas are not necessary.

The guard captain spoke with a loud and clear voice. I agree by default and as I got out and proceed to the Executioner’s Den, I heard a silent mutter.

Tense confusion. 0_o

“This person may look like an ordinary man but he is the one who has kill my only daughter." The king then points at the criminal. "The Sandman!”

Hold down, raise axe, and chop off head--simple steps that haunts me for many years.

They didn’t look so exciting, but their face shows a sign of fascinate.

Were the the one who looks exciting? Are their appearances exciting to see? Or do they look excited?

"Well, he's just like that." He looks at my unsatisfied face and adds, "He only acts like that with citizens so that they could trust him and respect him."

“The first guest is the man you should know already. And the second guest is…”

So you have an issue with verb tenses. I salute you for taking a whole lotta guts and writing in present tense. It's just too complicated to write in present tense. You have to fix your mistakes yourself first. You shouldn’t expect reviewers to point out each nitpick, thought, of course, we'll help all we can. Like me, I couldn't point out every little mistake. They were too repetitive. Mastering tenses isn’t easy, I know, but it’s worth the shot. As a writer, you have the responsibility to study hard. PM me if you’d like me to tutor you with tenses. I'll help you with internet links to grammar sites and such.

Okay, let’s go on with the characters. Yes! I now know your MC’s name. XD Vincent. So Vincent is kind. Fairly written well. Though I still don’t understand what urges him to execute when he seriously loathes his job? Is it for money? Reputation? I’d like to know.

About the plot. My only comment is the ending of this chapter was a bit predictable. When you told about the mysterious lady, it started to sound predictable. But this is just the beginning. I’d like you to surprise me and kill my guesses. Now if you can do that without clashing any events, you’re good. XD
That’s all for now.

~~ Jash ♥

Hey, Roal! Here to review, my apologizes for being late.

I was surprise.

I am surprised? Present tense.

Sounds of stepping grass

Grass cannot step. I know what you mean, but technically - this doesn't make sense. Reword, maybe?

The person was startle and seems ready to flee.

I think you seem to be having a sort of problem with your tenses. I would be sure to recheck your work and make sure you're in present tense. Was = past. Is= present.
The person is startled and seems ready to flee. Notice the difference?
Startled was put into past tense and was is changed to 'is'. For more information, click the link. It's a nice website to study up on rules and such.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/601/01/

“Vincent! Get out here now!” The man said.

It would be nice if you used stronger dialogue tags. Here you show a man banging on the door but only provide us with a 'man said'. Why not go beyond and use "He yelled/shouted/barked"?
It can make your writing a lot stronger.

I nod. The guards grab the Sandman and pull him towards me. I walk behind him; I grab a small knife from my pocket and cut his ponytail. Giving it a tight clench, I felt something within this mane; I look around, and made sure that no one hears my wordings.

You tend to overuse the "I". Writing in first person can prove to be a bit difficult because you're limited to using just "I/my/me". With that said, it can end up sounding very repetitive. To cancel that, try varying your sentences and use some descriptions to give your work some variation.
Example:
I nod. The guards grab the Sandman and pull him towards me. Walking behind him, my fingers pluck a small knife out of my pocket. The sharp blade slides underneath the man's ponytail and I cut it off. Clenching the strands of hair, I feel something within the mane. My eyes scan the area, making sure no on hears my wordings.

You see, I cut the usage of 'I' from 5 to 3. Practice using less of them and experiment with sentence structure. You'll get better in no time. ^^


Overall
Well, I won't go through and nitpick all of this, that's not for me to do. I just pointed out a few things that I suggest you might need to work on. As for the story itself, it's interesting and quite mysterious. The plot is moving along slowly but you have the ability to keep readers attached. Descriptions were nice but there are some parts where I think you just rushed to move onto the next big thing. Thinking about it, your story seems to leap from one event to next and some transitions are bit rough.

I'm interested to see where this all goes and how it plays out, honestly. I find myself asking a lot of questions such as where he's headed after this. Will romance bloom between this woman and him? He's and executioner, what does fate have in store for him? What is up with the king? Is there a deeper meaning behind all your characters and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, it was fun chapter to read. I do advise you to edit this though. There were many tense mistakes and little wording errors that I noticed.

Present tense, present tense, why do most writers think you're difficult?
I agree it is a more strange realm. But, if you practice writing and reading it- it will become easier for you to write it on your own. But if you're having too much trouble with it, I suggest you go back to past tense. Do what you're more comfortable doing.
Overall, a nice chapter. PM me if you have any questions.
All the best,

-Shear