Clusters of Seashells

There are a couple parts I think need fixing... Let me know what you think!

He smiles, teasing,
albeit flushed,
the corner of his mouth twitching,
afraid he might be too forward,
and grabs my belt loop.

Yesterday I yelled, tears splashing down my face,
I love you,
while, tentatively,
his brow furrowed,
he rifled through my music,
still haunted by the distant echo of memories
of the graceful silhouettes of dancers
lying side by side and laughing up at the June sky,
and of a parting of the ways,
and of falling apart doggedly to the music of complicated grief.

It’s good to hear his voice here,
where stars walk over the ocean,
and watch clusters of seashells swirl
under the significance of his crooked smile.

Dazzling happiness lives in his gaze,
unspeakable,
promises of eternal inspiration in his smile,
unintelligible,
and stars fall across our eyelashes as we fall asleep on the sand.

This was . . . just beautiful. Your poetry reminds me a lot of Persephoneia's; is that weird? lol. You have a great way with maintaining a slightly informal tone, but conveying a really deep message. This line had to be my favorite:

"and stars fall across our eyelashes as we fall asleep on the sand."

The many commas and irregular line breaks grew a little confusing in some places, but it was still really great. Do us all a favor and keep writing!

BlueAfrica wrote:There are a couple parts I think need fixing... Let me know what you think!

He smiles, teasing,
albeit flushed,
the corner of his mouth twitching,
afraid he might be too forward, - Suggest, don't state. Only an omniscient narrator would know exactly what's going on in every character's mind
and grabs my belt loop.

Yesterday I yelled, tears splashing down my face, - I can't imagine tears "splashing" on a face. Running down maybe?
I love you,
while, tentatively,
his brow furrowed,
he rifled through my music,
still haunted by the distant echo of memories
of the graceful silhouettes of dancers
lying side by side and laughing up at the June sky,
and of a parting of the ways,
and of falling apart doggedly to the music of complicated grief. - Where are they in this stanza? How would the "I" narrator know all this? I don't see what the dancers are for (and why the memory of them is significant), unless they're the couple at the start of the poem.

It’s good to hear his voice here,
where stars walk over the ocean, - When something walks, it moves. You don't see stars moving at night.
and watch clusters of seashells swirl
under the significance of his crooked smile. - What do you mean by this? Why are the seashells swirling?

Dazzling happiness lives in his gaze,
unspeakable,
promises of eternal inspiration in his smile,
unintelligible, - Again, these state rather than suggest.
and stars fall across our eyelashes as we fall asleep on the sand. - It's hard to imagine eyelashes showing such detailed reflections

I found the piece confusing, but what I get is this: one night, after having reconciled (and made love) the day before, two lovers make love on a beach.

Do away with abstractions and statements (parting of ways, dazzling happiness, eternal inspiration, etc.) and stick to concrete imagery.

Also I think the poem would work better if you start with "Yesterday I yelled..." and put the beach imagery after that.

The piece is very promising though. Keep writing!