The Outsider

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After so many months, the evening walk was an everyday routine, an invariably wander in the streets of the neighborhood and nearby parks.
The custom traces itineraries. Thus, although one is allowed to go at random, the steps themselves conformed to the gray monotony of the sidewalks and always led to the same destinations, with identical returns.
Except for sporadic encounters with a neighbor, or unimportant incidental conversations, nothing ever happened.

But that Saturday afternoon - the same could have occurred on a Sunday or a Tuesday - there was a change.
Like so many other days throughout the tedious and endless period of convalescence, I had gone for a walk around the neighborhood. Once back, trying to put the key in the door to enter the old building where I lived, I saw him. Something about him caught my attention, and so I watched him with some curiosity.
He came to my side and stood there as if waiting on me to open the door to enter the courtyard. I did so with a gesture inviting him to cross the threshold, which he did fairly quickly and without the slightest sound, as if made of mist or the intangible essence of dreams. Then he took a little while next to the mailboxes, but never opened one of them. For a moment I thought that he might be a deliverer of advertising, but I rejected this idea, noting that he had no papers in his hands.
I walked past him, muttering a dull "farewell" and received no reply (a very common thing in this beginning of the twenty-first century) and began to climb the forty-eight steps that separated me from my home, from the terrible and unyielding loneliness that I have stiffly built over the last two years.
I soon perceived his light footsteps, undecided, behind me. I was growing increasingly convinced that he did not belong to the building, I feared that I had been followed by a thief (a few days ago an event of that sort had happened to a neighbor in the third floor), but I found that thought insanely absurd. The boy was slim, about six feet and three inches tall. The traits of his porcelain face made it difficult to think of him holding a knife or a gun.
I rejected this view and went up slowly, with that slowness that is given by the exhaustion, the exhaustion born from the infinite repetition of the daily acts. When I finally got near the door of my house, he stood behind me, less than four feet away, looking down in silence.
I felt awkward. I did not know whether to introduce the key in the lock or turn around and go down again forty-eight steps, or maybe face him and ask for the significance of the persecution or staying there. Neither option satisfied me. I was sure I would fluff, regardless of what I ultimately decided to do.
Leisurely, hoping it was him who would be forced to make a decision; I reached into my pocket and took a few countless seconds to find the keychain. Then, with an almost ceremonious parsimony, I selected the indicated key and put it into the lock, turning twice and finally opening the door gradually, with apparent calm (but my heart was a battlefield, a clash of conflicting feelings without solution).
When I was inside my house, I turned a little to check his reaction. He was still there, across the doorway, motionless, looking at me with those blue eyes, deeply, as if waiting for an invitation (I was reminded, don’t know why, those stories of vampires, in which the vampire cannot enter a home without the permission of the dwelling).
But his eyes did not hold a plea, or a question. Nothing. His eyes were a haven of calm water. As if his presence out there, right beyond the door, was the most natural thing in the world.
It is impossible to specify the duration of that scene. I looked at him, questioning his eyes, constantly making difficult conjectures about their motives, hoping he would say something, trying to convince me of the desirability of closing the door and leave him in that same spot with his unbearable silence and his short, shaggy blond hair and the abysmal mystery of his pupils that kept looking at me. He was waiting on a gesture.

The bad thing about decisions is that one should always choose a path and discard the rest. One never knows what might have happened if one has chosen otherwise. The suspicion of having chosen the worst option is frustrating. Consequently, I did not shut the door; neither did I invite him to pass. I turned around and entered the hall, compelling him to decide.
He did not hesitate for even an instant. Askance, I corroborated that, from the inside he closed the door very delicately, as if trying to avoid the slightest noise. I smiled.
Last edited by ivanmarrero0211 on Tue Aug 23, 2011 7:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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ivanmarrero0211 wrote:After so many months, the evening walk was an everyday routine, an invariably wander in the streets of the neighborhood and nearby parks.
The custom traces itineraries. Thus, although one is allowed to go at random, the steps themselves conformed to the gray monotony of the sidewalks and always led to the same destinations, with identical returns. (Nice use of descriptive phrases and philosophical type lines.) Except for sporadic encounters with a neighbor, or unimportant incidental conversations, nothing ever happened.

But that Saturday afternoon - the same could have occurred on a Sunday or a Tuesday - there was a change.
Like so many other days throughout the tedious and endless period of convalescence, I had gone for a walk around the neighborhood. Once back, trying to put the key in the door to enter the old building where I lived, I saw him. Something about him caught my attention, and so I watched him with some curiosity.
He came to my side and stood there as if waiting on me to open the door to enter the courtyard. I did so with a gesture inviting him to cross the threshold, which he did fairly quickly and without the slightest sound, as if made of mist or the intangible essence of dreams. Then he took a little while next to the mailboxes, but never opened one of them. For a moment I thought that he might be a deliverer of advertising, but I rejected this idea, noting that he had no papers in
his hands.
I walked past him, muttering a dull "farewell" and received no reply (a very common thing in this beginning of the twenty-first century) and began to climb the forty-eight steps that separated me from my home, from the terrible and unyielding loneliness that I have stiffly built over the last two years.
I soon perceived his light footsteps, undecided, on my back. ('on my back'? Is that the same thing as 'behind me'?) I was growing increasingly convinced that he did not belong to the building, I feared that I had been followed by a thief (a few days ago an event of that sort had happened to a neighbor in the third ('on' the third floor.)floor), but I found that thought insanely absurd. The boy was slim, about six feet and three inches tall. The traits of his porcelain face made it difficult to think of him holding a knife or a gun.
I rejected this view and went up slowly, with that slowness that is given by the exhaustion, the exhaustion born from the infinite repetition of the daily acts. (You use the words slow and exhaustion twice in this one sentence: repeating a word so close together can make the sentence seem boring and even more so when these two words are already related. Try taking out the part between the commas and changing the way you phrase the last part of the sentence.) When I finally got near the door of my house, he stood behind me, less than four feet away, looking down in silence.
I felt awkward. I did not know whether to introduce the key in the lock or turn around and go down again forty-eight steps, or maybe face him and ask for the significance of the persecution or staying there. Neither option satisfied me. I was sure I would fluff, (I'm guessing this is a slang term from your country. I've never heard it before.) regardless of what I ultimately decided to do.
Leisurely, hoping it was him who was ('would be') forced to make a decision; I reached into my pocket and took a few countless seconds to find the keychain. Then, with an almost ceremonious parsimony, I selected the indicated key and put it into the lock, turning twice and finally opening the door gradually, with apparent calm (but my heart was a battlefield, a clash of conflicting feelings without solution).
When I was inside my house, I turned a little to check his reaction. He was still there, across the doorway, motionless, looking at me with those blue eyes, deeply, as if waiting for an invitation (I was reminded, don’t know why, those stories of vampires, in which the vampire cannot enter a home without the permission of the dwelling).
But his eyes did not hold a plea, or a question. Nothing. His eyes were a haven of calm water. As if his presence out there, right beyond the door, was the most natural thing in the world.
It is impossible to specify the duration of that scene. I looked at him, questioning his eyes, constantly making difficult conjectures about their motives, hoping he would say something, trying to convince me of the desirability of closing the door and leave him in that same spot with his unbearable silence and his short, shaggy blond hair and the abysmal mystery of his pupils that kept looking at me. He was waiting on a gesture.

The bad thing about decisions is that one should always choose a path and discard the rest. One never knows what might have happened if one has chosen otherwise. The suspicion of having chosen the worst option is frustrating. Consequently, I did not shut the door; neither did I invite him to pass. I turned around and entered the hall, compelling him to decide.
He did not hesitate for even an instant. Askance, I corroborated that, from the inside he closed the door very delicately, as if trying to avoid the slightest noise. I smiled.


A general hint for posting on this site: the formatting is different than a lot of typing programs, so your work will be easier to read on here if you put an extra blank line after each paragraph so that they're not all bunched together. I like the way that you build the tension in this story by being very deliberate about the details and having the main character debate between the consequences of her various options. The whole way through the story, the main character seems to be trying to figure out how to get away from the man without making him upset, so I don't understand why she ends up letting him into her apartment at the end. I realize that the focus of this story is on the decision making and the process of making her way back to the apartment, back into her own safe space, but an extra few paragraphs or two might help round the story off. Maybe have the man introduce himself and give some slight hint as to why he is there.




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Very…strange. It is written in a style that sounds like you had a thesaurus open at your side and tried to use as many words as you could (but didn’t understand half of them). Cut down on wordiness and you could have a very good story.
The only other errors were nitpicks:

an invariably wander

An invariable wander? And invariably wandering walk?

sporadic encounters with a neighbor, or unimportant incidental conversations

Both of those speak of the same thing, and are therefore repetitive. Cut.
Also, it’s spelled “neighbour”.

and began to climb the forty-eight steps that separated me from my home, from the terrible and unyielding loneliness that I have stiffly built over the last two years.

This is awkward, reword it to make sense. Maybe, “And began to climb, with the terrible and unyielding loneliness, up the forty-eight steps.” Unless that wasn’t the idea you were trying to get across.
See, it’s rather confusing as you have it now.

I soon perceived his light footsteps, undecided, on my back.

He was walkin' on the MC’s back? How about ‘at’ my back.

Leisurely, hoping it was him who was forced to make a decision

Incorrect grammar: “Hoping he would be forced”, and “Hoping it was he who would be forced,” sound better.

countless seconds to find the keychain.

Endless seconds?

Aside from all that, I’ve got nothing else. You did a good enough job.
-ж-Ж-ж-




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Overall, I truly did like the way the sentences flowed. It reminded me of the phrasing in Frankenstein or The Scarlet Letter. However, in your attempt to create this level of masterful writing, you used too many "big" words. I really like the way Jenthura put it: "written in a style that sounds like you had a thesaurus open at your side." I agree. You must remember that, when you are using a thesaurus, sometimes the words do not fit. For example:

The big dog ran across the street.

Here, the bolded words are the ones of which I would like to find a more accurate synonym for. If I were to simply use the thesaurus, I could change this clause to something along the lines of:

The voluminous dog vamoosed across the street.

Now that just sounds silly, doesn't it? If you do not know what the words mean, then sometimes you will not find an accurate synonym, and your writing sounds, well, silly. The following are some examples where you fall victim to the curse of the thesaurus:

The custom traces itineraries.

The initial problem with this is that the underlined word, itineraries, is usually meant as an organized sort of schedule. I remember, when I went to soccer camp at WSU, we had to follow our "itinerary," or schedule. Instead of "itinerary" you may want to say:
"The custom always followed the same invariable pathway."
Makes a lot more sense. Another problem with this sentence is that it switches verb tense. The word "traces" is in present tense, whereas the rest of your piece is mostly in past tense. You must commit to a single tense.

Except for sporadic encounters with a neighbor, or unimportant incidental conversations, nothing ever happened.

This sentence is particularly odd because it starts off with bombast, but then ends with "nothing ever happened," which is extremely vague. Try this:
"With the exception of adventitious encounters with neighbors, which were always followed with unimportant, bland, conversations, the journey was invariably consistent."

...endless period of convalescence

When I think of convalescence, I think of someone going to rehab, or someone who has been confined to bedrest for many months. Is this what your character is going through? This is basically the only thing you tell us about your character, but is it what you mean to say? Is your character really recovering from an illness or something?

I thought that he might be a deliverer of advertising

Would it really be that horrible to say "mailman?" This euphenism actually makes the writing appear more amateurish, as opposed to more intelligent and sophisticated.

The traits of his porcelain face

When I think of porcelain, I think of a beautiful young child, like the ones they put in the beauty contests down in Texas. And what about the features made it seem as though he were not dangerous? You need to explain more.

I did not know whether to introduce the key in the lock

Really? "Hello Mr. Key, it's me, Mrs. Lock!" "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Lock!"

...ask for the significance of the persecution or staying there

Persecution? That seems like a harsh word for someone who is simply following the guy up to his apartment. I mean, wasn't persecuting what we did to the African Americans in the south in the 1960's? The word isn't appropriate here.

The bad thing about decisions

Did you forget your thesaurus? This makes a sudden jump from overly grandiloquent to extremely nonprofessional.

...almost ceremonious parsimony...

Parsimony is to be extremely frugal.. I'm pretty sure it doesn't work here.


There are a variety of other errors, predominantly in your final paragraphs.
Leisurely, hoping it was him who was forced to make a decision; I reached into my pocket and took a few countless seconds to find the keychain.

Semicolon should be a comma.

But his eyes did not hold a plea, or a question.

"Or" should be "nor."

And all of the ( ) should be removed, as they take away from the sophistication of your writing.


Now I'm going to address plot, because it appears as though there is none. Remember - every basic plot has a beginning, middle, and end. Let's analyze your plot:

BEGINNING: Guy is going on his every day walk around the block.

MIDDLE: Another guy follows him up to his house.

END: ???

We know nothing about your characters, there is no real end, climax, or resolution. Without those things, there is really no point in reading a story, even if the writing is beautiful.


Do not be offended but what I have written; learn from it. I can tell that you put a lot of effort towards the overall sophistication of this piece, and although that failed the first time, if you take some of my advice, I am sure you're writing will improve greatly. Remember, the best way to attain a refined vocabulary is by reading!

Keep writing,
Lena
stay gold, ponyboy



If food is poetry, is not poetry also food?
— Joyce Carol Oates